Tired but Hopeful

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 8, 2022 | Cancer, Life

I am so tired but hopeful. Karen and I are working on getting the doctor bills paid and applying for assistance. This lifts a little of the burden off our shoulders. For some reason prescription costs are covered less by insurance one year and more the next, and we are in the year of more coverage so that is encouraging too.

I had to get up super early to be at PeaceHealth St John at 7:45 am…I am a night person so this is no small thing but I did it. Despite being careful about my food choices my stomach is regularly blowing up so sleep was nearly impossible last night. I mentioned that to my rheumatologist and she suggested I see an immunologist to help me with this. I thanked her and told her that like the suggestion of seeing an ENT that my neurologist gave me, this would have to wait until I am caught up on my bills with PeaceHealth and Legacy. She totally understood.

With that in mind, I was glad she was able to use the imaging from my abdomen to look at my spine, where my pain is the worst. We found that I am suffering with bone spurs and osteoarthritis. It isn’t PsA because Psoriatic Arthritis would create a bridge on the bones. She said this is where people tend to get arthritis first. Since I cannot take OTC meds and I am not interested in narcotics, all I can do is continue with my workouts and weight loss.

She was able to see recent labs from other doctors, instead of ordering new ones and costing me more money, to see my kidneys and liver are doing well. This is good because methotrexate can cause damage to these organs but it is obviously keeping PsA under control for me. She told me we cannot talk about changing meds right now because there is not a treatment that won’t impede my cancer treatment...so no changes…

When I got home I told Jamie about my tummy troubles and she reminded me that the cancer meds might be causing my problems. I am thinking about ways to change my eating. We had roasted vegetables and shared a grass fed steak last night. Maybe I need to eat heavier meals on Karen’s days off when we can have them for lunch instead of closer to bedtime. I made soup for tonight. We do eat a lot of soups and usually I don’t have a problem so it must be easier for me to digest.

My neurologist put me on a different pill before bed to help me sleep that isn’t addictive that works better than the one my psychiatrist has me on, which is addictive. The hard part is since my body is fighting cancer it wants two naps a day, yet when I allow that, I have trouble sleeping when Karen does… I am always a bit sleepy but my evenings are harder. I am trying to adjust. I am very thankful to find a solution for sleeping at night! This is wonderful! I have always had trouble sleeping at night.

I saw my eye doctor last week. I think Dr Tack has retired. I missed him. I honestly don’t remember my new doctor’s name but she is great. I don’t remember ever having my eyes dilated before…which only means if I had it done, my brain chose to forget it…wow! That was painful! However I learned that diabetes has not caused any damage to my eyes at all. The images of eyes are beautiful. I do need progressive lenses, which doesn’t shock me because I really struggle looking at things close up; especially reading…but otherwise my vision is really good.

The last month or so has been a time of collecting information about my health so I can fine tune my wellness plan. I have had quite a bit of suffering this winter but I am not a quitter. I may need to go slow. I may need to rest a lot but I am always trying to be better.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Radical Acceptance

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 28, 2021 | Cancer, Life

I am so thankful to Jesus! Radical acceptance tells me that I am not ready for what I want but He is always working on me and I always have what I need. I am a blessed woman.

The easy way has never worked for me so struggle is not new to me. Luckily for me, I don’t consider obstacles to be punishment or the sum of my life. I don’t make yearly resolutions and I don’t add up my painful experiences and decide that this year or that year is bad or good; life is growth and growth is not supposed to be easy and I don’t take life lightly.

That said, I am tired. I have lots of things that I am tired of but sharing those things doesn’t help others. Many of the things I am tired of relate to others so I am asking God to help me accept those things. I can’t control my body much of the time but I can control how I respond to things that happen. I want to be able to diffuse God’s wisdom and love through Jesus in me. I don’t want to judge or cause pain.

Pain is something I have had to make peace with. Tomorrow it will be two weeks since I have been suffering with a flare of trigeminal neuralgia. Most episodes are 1-3 seconds but I have had searing pain in my face for episodes of 2 to 41 minutes. The episodes that wake me confuse me. I sleep with a mouth guard so I cannot move my face a lot. Generally episodes are triggered by talking, eating, drinking but it seems any movement of my face can cause it. I have lots of stressful dreams due to PTSD, and episodes tend to happen when I am having a stressful dream. As irritating as it is at the time, Xavier is getting really good at waking me often.

I am used to flares of something (new or old pain, depression, and similar sufferings) when I start to feel successful. This is something that makes me tired too. Since I can’t truly pinpoint what my triggers are for my face issues I have paused my workouts. As the days go by my pain in the rest of my body has gotten worse. The snow and dry air doesn’t help. One side effect of my cancer meds is gas. I live with GERD so I don’t need help with this. Today I woke up in so much pain in my midsection I decided I had to do my workout. Working out doesn’t just increase flexibility, burn fat and release endorphins, it also helps our body eliminate things it doesn’t need. I am so thankful that I only had a few twinges during my workout! The rest of me felt better when I was done too!

Side effects of the anticonvulsant drug I am taking that are supposedly mild and should resolve themselves are extreme exhaustion, headaches, dry mouth, irritability, depression and blurred vision. I have episodes of all of these. I have been sleeping a lot. I am an action person so this is hard on me but I try to do a few things every day. I know I am doing what I can. I am having to learn that this is enough. It is hard.

I am frustrated that I have emailed my primary twice since Tuesday and she has not responded. I understand that it is Christmas but I would so appreciate if her assistant could respond…another thing I cannot control…

I know it may sound like I am complaining, and technically I am, but my heart and intent is to accept the things that happen in my life. Radical acceptance is a wonderful gift! I have many struggles and a few obstacles but my life is never without joy and accomplishment. For this I am thankful and I can see God thinking peace and hope for me. No matter what is happening in your life, I hope you can hear this lovely piece of wisdom that is a promise to those who love God.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Self-Care is Important

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 19, 2021 | Cancer, Life

Today is a good day! But last night was terrible …you would think I would read ingredients on a new food…but I didn’t so I have been tired and in more pain all day. I decided today was a good day to rest from my workout because self-care is important and rest is good self care.

I did put together grocery lists for today and Christmas Eve. I also showed Karen my new favorite treat: open faced, toasted caramelized onion sandwiches…she was super impressed. I also finally got all the squares crocheted for Kaison’s blanket. Now I am done for the day.

I used to get projects done so much faster. I was lamenting this and then I realized that I also used to never exercise and I ate a lot of processed foods. Wellness takes time. Yes, arthritis in my hands, ribs and shoulders is not fun, but in reality the real reason this project is taking longer is that I am putting my health first. I rest more because my body is fighting cancer and she also has chronic pain. I cook most of our food from scratch to avoid my sensitivities and get as many nutrients in our diet…healthy veins and connective tissue are built by vegetables…bones and muscles are not the only parts of our bodies we should consider. Exercising most days means I spend an hour or more moving on purpose, which is very different from working and living.

The other day my sister, Jamie, sent this message to me:

I responded that our well-being should always be paramount. Society lies to us, in the most co-dependent way, by telling us to give until it hurts. But Jesus never said that. He told us to come to Him when we are tired and He will give us rest. He also said to give freely…but freely implies we have abundance to give from. Jesus knows we get tired and when we are tired we can’t give freely. If we are dragging around a tired heart, mind and body we are probably not going to give our best. I think Jesus invented boundaries…

I didn’t clean today and I am ok with that too. The dirt will be there tomorrow after I have rested.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Another Great Day

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 14, 2021 | Cancer, Life

Today was a great day! I needed this. The last week has been a struggle. Especially Saturday, Sunday and Monday. My body has recovered from my procedure well but as my body gets used to balancing hormones it has been hard. I had my post op appointment today and the NP I spoke with told me to pay attention to when that happens and how frequently. I may need to talk to my psychiatrist if the big swings keep happening. We may need to adjust my mood stabilizers.

I thought I had gained my weight back because I have not been able to exercise and my seatbelt is tighter but I found I lost another 5 lbs. The NP said I could still have gas used during the surgery trapped in my body and even have some swelling that is normal. I am down 25 lbs since September and down 45 lbs from my top weight. I am shocked and relieved that my body is doing so well.

When we were done at Legacy we went to Jamie’s place. It was great to see her! We had a delicious meal: roasted sweet potatoes with pesto, grits, uncured bacon and fried cage free eggs. Yum! We also watched Clifford the Big Red Dog. I have not laughed or watched Karen laugh so much in a long time. This visit was really needed…. and I highly recommend this movie!

Jamie gifted me with a new mug. She has a matching one. We will pray for each other when we use them…I was really wanting a new mug. Jamie always knows how to touch my heart!

I know God is good and faithful all the time, even when I cannot see it. This is a beautiful promise I can fall back on when I am super tired. I will need this because I found out I will have to have a D & C every 3 months until no cancer is found and then every 6 months for at least 2 times after that. The bills are starting to come in and I am so thankful for insurance but I am a little overwhelmed with the the thought of how long it will take me to pay my part, especially since I will continue to need these small surgeries. I am thankful that all my doctors take payments and I may be eligible for grants for the big stuff… I will keep reminding myself that God is good, faithful and gracious all the time.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

3 Days Post Surgery…

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 4, 2021 | Cancer, Life

It has been 3 days post surgery. I am getting around fine, but I know I can’t do what I was able to do before my surgery and that is hard on me. It is amazing how you can work hard to create a healthy habit, like working out every day and then something happens and you have to take a break…and you feel a little lost.

Wednesday was quite the day. I did my workout and took my second antibacterial shower…that soap has been long thrown away…We made it to Good Sam in Portland in good time, considering a semi truck rolled in the area along the way. That truck was pretty badly torn up. I hope the driver is ok.

Waiting…I am ok with it but sometimes I get impatient. I spent a lot of time in a waiting room and then more in the room where they get your prepped for surgery…3.5 hours to be exact. No music. No TV. Hardly room between patients. Not fun. My phone is on its last leg so I couldn’t use it, in case I had to actually make a call so I was on my own. I admired the cleaning woman that worked very hard. The whole time I was in there, she was scrubbing or mopping or moving furniture. She looked to be maybe a little older than Karen. I was impressed.

My nurses were great. I was surprised how many of them thanked me for getting my COVID-19 test before the surgery…I guess people just don’t do it and they have to have the test done prior to surgery and slow things down…That is so impractical…I didn’t even notice the IV until she had already taken 3 vials of blood. My doctor finally showed up to let me know that the woman before me took longer than expected. That helped me get over my boredom. I hope she is ok too. Everyone seemed surprised when I told them that Karen was probably in the parking garage, although Good Sam is in a great area with shops and restaurants, I knew Karen would not leave. She had even been invited over to Jamie‘s but, still I knew she would not leave…and she never did…

I was told by the anesthesiologist that he would just use the same IV they were giving my fluids through so they wouldn’t need to use a breathing tube. I liked that idea. His nurse was great too. As I was falling asleep she was asking me about what I wanted for Christmas: the bills paid and larger place to live…

I awoke in a stressful situation. The recovery room was filled with people, very close together. The ceiling was covered in rails for the many curtains and I was crying. At first I didn’t realize it was me crying, but I kept hearing people say: Who is Karen?

That part is normal for me. I have been under anesthesia before and woke up in an anxiety attack, crying for Karen…but that time COVID-19 was not a barrier and Karen was quickly summoned. I am pretty sure anyone in ear shot, knew that Karen was super important to me and that I loved her…because that is what I kept saying. I wasn’t totally aware, but I knew enough to not ask about Jamie and Xavier…they were also on my mind. Eventually my personal nurse, told me, it was his job to get me well enough to get me to Karen. He was the one that kept telling people Karen was my wife…He was a very nice man. His words helped me focus. He coached me on deep breathing, because you can’t do deep breathing and stay in an anxiety attack and that would be helpful to everyone.

When they moved me to the next recovery room, they didn’t talk to me much but I heard the nurse tell other people, they couldn’t leave until they could urinate. That became my new goal…I couldn’t get the hand rail down on my bed, and that was the only thing that kept me confined. As soon as the nurse in this department came by I was asking to use the bathroom. After I finished with that, I refused to get back on the bed and was dressed in a very impressive amount of time…Scott my first recovery nurse had given me both an injection and pills before I left him, so I was feeling no pain and with my cane in hand, I am used to overcome dizziness.

The new nurse asked if I could at least wait for her to call Karen and get my after surgery instructions. Lucky for all of them, that didn’t seem to be too much to ask for and a nurse came with a wheel chair very quickly, because I was prepared to walk out on my own the minute she handed me my discharge papers. I was dizzy and a bit dingy but I was determined to get to Karen. When Karen saw me she jumped out of the car to help me into the car, but I just wanted to hug her. I heard people in the background awing…so it must have seemed sweet to them…It just felt natural to me.

…and then we came home. Xavier was glad to see us. He was a little put out that I was too tired to brush him and give his coconut oil to him, our nightly routine, but he could tell I was sick. He had been so sweet to me for a few days. He knew something was up.

My throat hurt so bad. I didn’t understand this. The next day a nurse called to check on me and I told her that my throat was very sore and raw and I had a terrible bruise on my left shoulder; I thought maybe they had a hard time moving me, or something. She explained that if after being given the regular amount of anesthesia, if I kept moving, they would have put a breathing tube in so they could sedate me more. She also said they filled my body with gas to create more room to work and that gas often follows nerves, which is probably why I had a swollen and bruised spot on my shoulder. I had told Jamie about my throat and she was sure they had given me a breathing tube, even if that wasn’t in the original plan…with my nervous energy…the description of what probably happened, sounded reasonable.

I have been sleeping a lot. I decided to not fill the prescription of oxy. I know if I do that I will push myself too hard and maybe hurt myself. My body has been through enough I am tired of giving access to my body to others, so I need to be careful…and if you know me, limits are not something I enjoy…this is a trial too.

We had a friend that sent us some money for food. I had made a huge pot of soup, but it was such a treat to take advantage of pasta night at Mary’s Bar and Grill. Yum! I am glad I made the soup, it has been nice to just heat it up and eat. I am really not feeling a lot of hunger yet, but I have to eat with several of my pills so I know I need to eat something when it is time to take those pills.

I am hoping I feel better enough to don my compression pants and take a short walk tomorrow. I am getting antsy. Without my methotrexate, I am having more pain, but luckily I can have my tincture again, so sleeping at night is easier.

We found out I lost another 5 lbs before my surgery, so that is a positive thing and another reason to not let my good habit wain for too long. I never did see my doctor before I left. Maybe I was too impatient…or maybe she doesn’t see patients after surgery…I don’t know…but I will see her on the 14th and I am sure she will give a recap of what happened and the next steps.

I am not looking forward to seeing her again…but we did make plans to visit Jamie afterwards so we could all watch Clifford the Big Red Dog…that sounds fun.

Here is to another great day!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Doing the Work Anyway

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 20, 2021 | Cancer, Life

Today has been a wonderful day. It started sad but eventually turned to glad. I had a very stressful dream that left me very sad. I couldn’t shake it. My brain wanted to dissociate, which is a normal trauma response for me, so it was hard to make different choices but I am committed to my wellness and I had to keep my appointment for my flu shot in case it knocked me down for a few days (sometimes that happens). I have several appointments on Tuesday…

My workout was emotionally hard. Not only did my body hurt but my heart and mind hurt and I had to choose to do every single rep and set of movements. When I was done I still was in pain and the sadness was trying to drag me to depression but I chose to do my devotional. I had a nice time in the word. I was reminded the God thinks of us with peace and with the purpose of giving us a future and hope. It helped a little.

I was chatting with Jamie Holloway and told her my struggle. She congratulated me on actively choosing to stay on task with movement and time with Jesus. That was nice to hear. She always says what I need to hear. I told her I was still blue but I hoped that when Karen got home she would cheer me up, like she always does. Jamie said she was glad I had Karen because she is the perfect spouse for me.

When Karen got home from work, I told her my struggle because when I am in that mood I sometimes say things wrong and I didn’t want her to take it personally. She appreciates the warning. As we headed towards our pharmacy it was so nice to listen and talk with her. She has been working so much. I think I missed her. When I see her she is usually getting ready to leave or heading to bed.

We have talked about changing pharmacies because it would be so convenient to have Karen be able to grab meds at the Safeway where she works but in reality, we love the service at the Walmart pharmacy on Ocean Beach. I am sure the Safeway pharmacy is great but we have a relationship with our pharmacy. As I waited for my flu shot the technician asked me if I was ready and I didn’t respond as positively as usual. She asked me why and I apologized and told her I was diagnosed with cancer a couple months ago and I am just sick of the process. I also had needed to look at my options for health insurance and I was surprised at how many companies don’t cover my meds. I told her we would have to stay with a more expensive plan because some coverage is better than no coverage and Fluvoxamine and cancer meds are expensive. She looked genuinely concerned, asked me about my treatment plan and said she would pray for me. It felt nice to have that connection.

After my shot, we walked around for about 45 minutes. That was good cardio. We ran into an old friend and then we started towards home where we had a late lunch and took a nap. It was great! Tonight we will watch a movie or two and relax. I love spending time with Karen. I just enjoy her so much!

Thank you for your prayers for Jamie. She is doing well after her surgery and should be able to go home on Monday.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Being Human

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 11, 2021 | Cancer, Life

Today was a big day with lots of emotions. I couldn’t sleep last night so on less than 4 hrs of sleep I did my workout and found myself at PeaceHealth Imaging for the first CT scan of my life. It went well and quickly.

When we were pulling out of the parking garage, my oncologist called. She was finally able to view my MRI and found that my lymph nodes are clear and the cancer in my uterus is minuscule. She has decided that we will not do the hysterectomy but a D&C and insert an IUD which along with the cancer meds I take may resolve my condition. She will use the CT Scan to verify my MRI.

I have found myself very angry at both gynecologists I have seen in the last few months because when I asked them about the chance that I may have PCOS they would not listen to me. My oncologist who specializes in gynecology keeps pushing weight loss surgery. She acts as though this procedure will give me a new lease on life, but I don’t agree and she ignores me when I try to explain myself. I do understand that my weight makes surgery more dangerous and although losing weight may help some of my conditions, which are under control, less of an issue, it won’t lessen my pain. I know this because my joints don’t bother me nearly as much as the pain in my nerves and connective tissues which is not going to change other than progress as these conditions do.

All my life, I was told that because I was fat, I would not marry or date, I would not be hired for the jobs I wanted and I would die young. Even my desire to dance was not fostered because I was too fat. It has taken me years to not hate this body. I am still dealing with emotional pain as the memories come back while my brain heals from trauma. I believe that weight loss surgery has benefited many people, but I also know it is not perfect and I don’t believe I would be successful with the procedure for several valid reasons. The fact that I have tried to advocate for myself and been ignored makes me feel like a child again.

I feel like this doctor must get kickbacks for pushing this option on people. I am sure she wants to see me succeed but I don’t want to be ignored when we are talking about my body.

I am not upset about the change. Who wants to have body parts removed? The surgery is invasive and we don’t know how my body will react to the stress. Another plus is that the IUD will balance my hormones and may be what helps me lose weight slowly and more naturally. I do workout almost every day and have been walking a lot more, I already eat mindfully and drink lots of water. I mentioned that to this doctor and she ignored me.

I have decided to not be pushed back about this. She wants to refer me to a specialist in weight loss surgery but I am not going to jump to do that. I have read quite a bit about weight loss surgery and even went to an orientation with my friend. My wife is a personal trainer and has heard many horror stories, along with success stories, but I don’t want to set myself up for failure. Since the IUD may be what I need to help my body work better, I will not consider changing my mind until we see what having the IUD will do for me.

I have been chewing on this all day and I have to say I am proud of myself. I did my workout, took 2 walks and got a nap in. Over the last two days I have worked with three patterns for a blanket for my great nephew, who should be here in February. I have ripped out my attempts so many times but I have finally found a design that inspires me. I have not crocheted in over a year but it is nice to have yarn in my hands. My new bamboo crochet hooks are wonderful too! Karen had the day off and it was nice to veg out with Christmas movies on the Hallmark channel and be able to spend time together.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Getting Some Answers

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 2, 2021 | Cancer, Life

Today was a success! Even though the clutch went out (we will find out if the parts that are acting up are still covered by the warranty on Wednesday) we were able to get a rental…thanks to our good friend, Jhohanna, and not miss my first visit with the oncologist.

I did not take my pill that helps me sleep last night because it makes me sleep hard and I didn’t want to sleep through my alarm. I knew the only way I could do all walking I needed to do is if I started my day with my workout…so on about 3 hours sleep I did my whole day. Lucky for me, my only appointment tomorrow is on Zoom… I may not be able to move much tomorrow…

We made it without any events and I really like my doctor. She explained things well and her goal is for me to have surgery within the first week of December. She has taken me off a lot of my supplements and I will probably have to go off methotrexate the week before surgery. I already had labs scheduled for Thursday to check my hemoglobin and kidneys but my oncologist wants to order full labs so she will talk to my primary. She wants a CAT Scan and echocardiogram too. I will probably see her two more times before surgery.

She is very positive about my diagnosis. From my test results it appears I am in stage 1, class 1. This means we caught it early and it growing very slowly. My procedure will be done laparoscopically which means it will heal faster.

On our way back we stopped at Trader Joe’s and grabbed a few things for dinner to take to Jamie’s home. I love their yogurt and carrot juice so we got some of that too.

Our visit with Jamie was wonderful! We Zoom and chat often so we are up to date but it has been so long since I could hug her neck! It was great! I brought gifts I have been collecting since I saw her last. She had some for us. It is fun to see what we have for each other…although I must say my favorite gift was watching Nicholas year into the Goofy toy I bought him! I think more toys might be found for fur-nephew…

I am now lying in bed and will probably not need help falling asleep tonight. What a great day!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

No More Flying Monkeys…Unless We are Watching The Wizard of Oz

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 31, 2021 | Cancer, Life

I have been in therapy many times throughout my life. I have been diligent for the last 6 years. I am healing from a lifetime of being a scapegoat. I have had people from my past on restriction for about 5 years and now know I must give up the idea of reconciliation. This has been a gut wrenching decision, long in the making. I have mourned for years and I imagine I will have moments of mourning for the rest of my life but I am at the point where I must focus on my life…funny that a 45-year-old woman would say this, but I was 35 before I realized I didn’t even know what I wanted.

My main goal in therapy, now that I have accepted my decision, is to keep fine tuning my response to adversity and continue to love myself and affirm my own value. The cycle of abuse ends with me.

I have wanted to be a foster parent since I was very young and these beautiful children don’t deserve to come to another dysfunctional home. In my house we do our best every day, recognize failure and start again. There will be no scapegoat or golden child, orbiting spouse or flying monkeys (unless we are watching The Wizard of Oz).

When my nephews and nieces were little and they would act out, I would ask the other children if they felt loved by this behavior and then we would express other ways to communicate and interact with each other. I intend to keep that up. There is no need to compete in a family who refuses to leave a man behind.

The last few days have been hard. With effects of cancer and inappropriate interactions with people from my past, I have been dealing with feelings of failure, hopelessness, anxiety and obsessive thoughts, but I try again every day. So far I have done my workout, had a nice brunch with My Love, have a load in the washing machine and I will probably make some adjustments to who can view my posts. I might see if my friends want to Zoom or read a book…who knows…but whatever I end up doing I plan to make sure it adds to my life. I deserve it.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

The Side Effects of Illness is Extra Expenses…

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 27, 2021 | Cancer, Life

Today was a good day. I have very little energy but I was able to stay awake more today than yesterday. Maybe my body will adjust to the new meds and it wont be so bad…especially as I get used to the side effects. I already take a lot of meds but I have to say the side effects of the cancer meds are not fun…headaches, extremely painful gas pains, absolute exhaustion, constant cotton mouth…even my taste buds seem to have changed…avocados seem to taste like fish lately…and not in a good way. Jamie Holloway reminded me that I will see the oncologist in 6 days and maybe she will make some helpful changes.

My moods are balancing out but anger still creeps in and I have no one to be angry with so I feel very frustrated. No one gave me cancer (or any of my chronic conditions), it doesn’t make sense to be angry at my sick body…she didn’t mean to get sick, and cancer just happens sometimes, so it doesn’t make sense to be angry at cancer being itself. Yet I have the worry and the pain and everything else that comes with it. I don’t carry it alone though. This isn’t the first time Jamie has reminded me of something positive and you have to believe that Karen wakes up positive (after her coffee…and at least 10 am) and she stays that way until she passes out. Last night she was verbally reminding herself that her talking was keeping me from falling asleep. I also know that I have a ton of people praying for me and believing I will be healed. That helps too.

Today I had to adjust my November budget, lucky for me, Karen bought some of the things on my list so it wasn’t hard to add the things I missed on. While I was in spreadsheets I added the receipts for October that I have so far…and because I my OCD gets things interesting sometimes I looked to see what I have spent on wellness this year. Wow!

I am on disability and I do get more than single people, but I have co-pays, my insurance doesn’t cover all my prescriptions and between my tincture, vitamins and essential oils…I spend A LOT on supplements. From January through September, Karen has spent $748.68 on my meds, after insurance. My October budget is not done so I didn’t add it but we have spent about $130 the last two months and I am sure it will keep going up with this cancer diagnosis. I have spent over $400 on doctor bills and that doesn’t count the balances I am working on, but I am grateful to be caught up on my payment plans and very grateful that all my doctors are willing to bill me (I am a little scared to see the bill for my ultrasound and MRI…and I know PeaceHealth has not updated my account for the 2 visits to the specialist each costing me $50 each. Between all the supplements, Karen pays for my tincture and I don’t separate her supplements from mine (she has a few different ones and so do I) and we both use the essential oils…it is hard to say what each of us pays for this part of our wellness and I am not even including groceries. It is very expensive to be sick.

I would like to take a moment for a shameless plug for Wellness Works NW…if you would like to avoid illness or have help creating an action plan for your wellness, regardless of whether you do or don’t have chronic illness, Karen G Clemenson would love to help you. She especially enjoys working with children, more mature adults and those living with chronic illnesses and she is really good at it. She is willing to go to doctor appointments and work with specialists on a personal plan for you. She has had several people who have come back from the doctor and heard from the doctor: Whatever your trainer was doing with you, keep doing it.

Did you know that you can write off some of your cost for a personal trainer? Karen does and she can tell you how…for the entire month of November if you purchase 2 months, up front, you can have January for free…Call or text 360-442-8061 for more information.

I was told to rest today so I saved laundry for tomorrow. I think I will spend the rest of the evening resting and watching reruns of Blue Bloods. Enjoy your evening!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Invisible Illness Awareness

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 20, 2021 | Cancer, Life

Every day I wake up is a good day. Today I am exhausted.

Jamie Holloway has been posting on Wellness Works NW about Invisible Illness Awareness. I live with invisible illness and if I didn’t have my cane you might not think I was sick. But I live with at least 10 diagnoses and I am good at pretending I am fine. I have watched my reaction during Zoom meetings where I have shooting pain running through my face with hardly a flinch and a calm placement of my hand on pressure points.

I don’t require a cane always but side effects from my mood stabilizers makes me randomly dizzy. I don’t know when it will happen and I don’t want to fall so I walk with a cane to brace myself when necessary. Without my mood stabilizers, I am tormented by obsessive thoughts and am angered easily. I take my pills everyday because I hate living with myself without them but mostly because Karen doesn’t deserve my rage…ever.

I can do my workout for an hour, most days but my workout is not aerobic and it cannot be. My exercises are meant to isolate and work individual muscles and joints so I can keep moving. My muscles and bones are strong but my nerves and connective tissues are affected by fibromyalgia and psoriatic arthritis. I also have lymphedema in my left leg, which means I have a lot of pooling and swelling in my leg. Many of my exercises are meant to help my body push fluids towards my abdomen so they can be eliminated. My body is always tired but there are times I don’t have a choice but to stop. Compound movements (movement that utilizes several muscle groups…like walking) are very draining for me.

I was so thankful to be invited to walk a section of the lake by one of Karen’s clients but in reality I have had so many flares, as well as issues related to my cancer, that I cannot do it. I am still low on blood; it took my body 4 months to recover from the transfusion I needed in February and my hemoglobin was not as low in February as it was in September. When you are low on blood your organs work harder to deliver the oxygen and blood needed throughout your body. Every time I have a flare I have trouble functioning at all because my pain triggers my anxiety which makes my pain worse and sometimes causes twitching in my breast bone, where I have arthritis; eventually, if it is a long flare I tend to become depressed.

I am hoping when my cancer is eradicated I will have an easier time building my stamina again. I miss the body that used to be able to walk a section of the lake in 10 minutes and could work all day. If I push myself too hard now, I may not be able to move for a day or two. I know I may never be able to do a 12 minute mile again but I do want to complete a 5K at some point in my life…probably not in the next 12 months though…

I have lived with GERD for 20 years. I used to take all kinds of meds but now I know how unhealthy that is. I have removed many things from my diet. These same things that cause eruptive acid reflux also causes pain and swelling in my body. I enjoy my stomach not hurting so even though it makes it hard to go out or even have dinner at someone else’s house, it works for me.

I didn’t choose to live in a body that needs all the rules I live with but I have learned to love my body and usually I am good at going with the flow. I have pushed myself a lot lately, trying to feel normal and do many things I let go while I was too sick to do them. I am not surprised I am exhausted today but I have learned to do many things while seated to save my energy. I was able to make Karen’s lunch. I put away the laundry from yesterday and laid out Karen’s clothes for tomorrow (she is so spoiled). I tidied up Karen’s“corner” not a fun job but necessary. I also cleaned out the drawer in my desk. I plan to spend the rest of the time until Karen gets home resting and napping with Xavier while Blue Bloods plays in the background. Yes…today was a good day..

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Cancer Made Me Choose Me

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 14, 2021 | Cancer, Life

Today has been a great day! I got my workout in and gave myself a pedicure. I have had several moments with Karen and cuddled with Xavier. I can also sign off on the June financial documents…I worked on July and August a bit too…I have listened to great music…at some point I will put away the laundry that hangs to dry, take a walk with My Love and maybe even watch a movie.

It has occurred to me that my cancer diagnosis may have been the best thing to happen to me. I didn’t realize how much energy I gave everyday to mourn and pine for people that just aren’t into me. Since I made the decision to let them go, I find myself asking myself what I want to do today. I am much more focused and productive.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Cancer is Just Another Diagnosis

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 11, 2021 | Cancer, Life

I have decided that cancer is just a diagnosis, much like all the other ones I have lived through. In fact I took having arthritis much harder because it is chronic and debilitating. I am going to live through this and become stronger…and if I don’t I will go live with Jesus. Either way I am blessed.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

I Have Cancer

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 9, 2021 | Cancer, Life

I made two phone calls today. I had shared the news with my two best friends in their preferred way of communication; Messenger. I had thought it many times, cried about it too but those phone calls where I said the words brought me to hysterical tears. It doesn’t matter that the doctor said we caught it early, it is easily treatable and doesn’t usually spread quickly…I feel disconnected. I am changed. I have cancer.

I am overwhelmed with the response to my post about my cancer diagnosis. For someone who feels alone most of the time, I don’t even know what to say but: Thank you.

To be honest I am extremely touchy right now but thankful for positive comments.

I am not a person that understands contacting people on holidays only, so if you are one of those people, please just send your prayers.

Even if you think you know my history, you probably only know someone else’s perspective. Before I was diagnosed with cancer, I was also diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Lymphedema, GERD, Diabetes, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and OCD…with only my wife and sister/friend to help me be strong. I have already been contacted by a sibling that hasn’t spoken to me in years. I made sure they understood I have nothing for them.

If this is too much information for you, I am sorry but I strive to live an honest and authentic life. Secrets got me here and they are not welcome anymore. It may sound like I have forgiving to do but I have forgiven and love and pray for the people in my past, I just have no appetite for drama and competition and I choose to be honest and refuse to be punished for it.

God bless you all.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Connect the Dots Featuring New Hope Cancer Recovery

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 13, 2013 | Cancer, Community

Back in August we were blessed to have the opportunity to work with Kim Walters of New Hope Cancer Recovery on her annual event, Cruise for the Cure. This annual event takes an entire year to pull off and according to Kim, when we met with her last week over lattes at our mutually favorite coffee shop, ZoJo, she has several details well underway.

Before Cruise for the Cure 2012, we had the opportunity to interview Kim for a Connect The Dots Episode with a lot of fuel injection! Of course our attention was detoured from blog entries while we jumped from Cruise for the Cure to Christmas Angel Telethon…so here is our thoughts on this show.

New Hope Cancer Recovery is a resource for those that are living with cancer and those that love them, as well as those who have lost someone to cancer. When you watch this episode you will get an idea of how New Hope Cancer Recovery can help you and some of the fun that happens at Cruise or the Cure which always takes place in beautiful Downtown Longview!
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