I Have Been Learning Me

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 10, 2023 | About Summer, Cancer, Life, Opinions

I have been learning me diligently for about 20 years now. It might be odd that I didn’t start until I was in my mid-20’s for some, but it makes sense to me. I lived in a very controlled environment. It didn’t even occur to me to ask myself what I wanted until I was 35-years-old. I am not angry about it. It is just a fact. I don’t believe that age confines us to anything. I believe that age is just a number to keep track of how long we have been here, what is important is what we think and believe.

In fact what I thought and believed kept me in a small and controlled environment because I didn’t believe I could leave. I didn’t have faith in myself. I was scared. In reality I can’t afford to live on my own. The cost of living is well beyond my disability benefits, which I didn’t have when I was living in my controlled environment. Even with a wife who works 2 jobs we have had a hell of a time finding housing that isn’t too close to the industrial area of town or infested with bugs. I can’t live with either. We lived 2 blocks from the industrial area for 3 years and I was constantly sick and terrified with the drug and gang life that surround the area. We lived with cockroaches and bed bugs for 11 months and I came really close to another mental break; I still have flashbacks. I think people that can live in these environments are so brave. I am not brave in this way.

I hate fighting. I avoid it and have avoided it at all costs all my life. I am so thankful that Karen and I agree on this. We don’t fight. We both grew up with fighting. We have fought about 2 times; for real fights. Enough to know we fight the same. No one is listening and everyone is screaming and saying things you can’t take back. So we don’t fight. We take a time out and then we talk it out. Tearing down the team is not on our agenda. But most of the world is not made this way. But as I addressed in Addressing Mental Health Issues, I often fight inside my head with characters that I don’t have in my life anymore, or rather I used to have in my life.

Since I have relinquished these characters to God with His blessings on them, I have been able to sleep better. But they snuck back in through my dreams the last few nights. I tried to ignore them but they were sitting there, ready to fight, until I remembered that I don’t have to live with them and I asked God to take them and love them and bless them and keep them far from me and I feel so much better. I want their wellness and if we are to reconnect, I want God to orchestrate that. Right now I am working on being at peace and I can’t do that while fighting with people who aren’t actually here.

All my life I was told I would never succeed because I was fat. I would never have the job, relationship and health I want because I was fat. I read the books that were put in front of me, I watched and worked out with the videos they placed in front of me; I believed them. But you know what? There is more to me than my fatness. Even though many in the world are afraid or angry with me about my size, I don’t have to be. A few weeks ago I started to think those thoughts because my underwear is falling apart. When I went to the site where I bought them in the past I had to search my purchases because I couldn’t remember the brand and I remember that I really like how they fit in the beginning of our relationship. They didn’t fall down, they didn’t pull, the fabric breathed nice and I didn’t feel too warm. I bought the same brand for Karen, funny enough, I bought her’s 2 years ago, which started me thinking a different thought. Now I wanted to see how long it has been since I bought myself new underwear. You know what? I have been wearing the same underwear for 3 years. I had forgot to replace them sooner. No wonder they are starting to fall apart. It isn’t because I am fat. It is because I forgot to buy new ones…and guess who it getting new underwear next month? Self care is so important.

I am not saying that I should not be aware of my eating habits and working out, but beating myself up about my size is not healthy either. I am very fat. But my blood pressure is always good, unless I am in a lot of pain or angry. My cholesterol is in normal range. My a1C is in pre-diabetic range with the lowest dose of medication. All my blood tests are good. I do have cancer but we are working on that. I have chronic mental and physical illnesses but I might have had all of these if I were skinny too. I recently had a CT scan on my organs and they all look good. There is a little fat on my liver, so I am making a few more changes to my diet; less processed foods, more nuts for healthy fats, but I already don’t drink anything but water, herb tea and maybe a decaf Americano 2-3 times a week. I cook most of our food so I can control what types of carbs and ingredients we are eating; I eat oatmeal with dried fruit and nuts made with almond milk in the morning and that is what brought my cholesterol down.

We did have a treat yesterday though because you have to have treats every now and then. I am so excited that I finally found the pizza of my cravings. For years I have this taste I have craved but have never found it until yesterday. We have tried several pizzas at PieTrio’s Pizzeria and always enjoyed them but it was never perfect until yesterday when I decided to get the BYOP. You can choose 4 toppings so I chose Beef, Salami, Artichoke hearts and Fresh mushrooms. It was perfection! Their crispy crust and the perfect red sauce with the lightest hint of fennel and just the right amount to mozzarella was amazing! Why am I telling you this? Because it made me happy and two thin slices were satisfying and I like to support local business when I can. If you haven’t tried them, you should.

PieTrio’s Pizzeria
614 Commerce Ave Longview, WA 98632
360-353-3512
Find them on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/pietrios/

Also the fact that I can occasional enjoy some pizza with red sauce proves that my stomach has healed a lot. I have successfully removed nightshades and kept gluten to a minimum so that on occasion I can have a little bit. Although I love tomatoes, my stomach and joints can’t handle them every day. My stomach doesn’t even digest bell peppers or most peppers. So pizza is a treat, not a lifestyle, which is the way it should be anyway.

Everyone’s wellness journey is personal. What works for one, wont work for another and that is ok. I was at a doTERRA class about supplements, yesterday, and we were sharing experiences and people were suggesting things for my chronic stuff. They didn’t understand that I have been doing this a long time. I have been using doTERRA for 11 years and although I don’t know all their products I have tried almost all of their oils. I appreciated the suggestions and was glad to share that my response to Turmeric is anaphylactic so, no, Turmeric is not an option for me because I like to live. But I did learn about a product that I would never have tried because in other forms it doesn’t work for me but after hearing about how it is working for others for chronic pain, I am willing to try it. Maybe it will help me overcome some of my pain so I can train for the 5K I still want to do…after I have healed from the hysterectomy I will probably be having in the next few months, of course.

I was recently invited to join a group on Facebook that looked like a nutrition group. I hate feeling interrupted by groups but I thought I would give it a try. Turns out is a group to market diet foods based on some MMA from the past. I know doTERRA is an MMA too but it is my only one and I don’t tend to purchase anything but oils and I love their deodorant. My body can’t process fake sugars and food coloring well. It causes my blood pressure to shoot up, sometimes the coloring comes out my sinuses or other weird places. I don’t know if it is the fake colors or the oils they use to make them stick to the powders but I just don’t eat diet food. I am better off with a burger and fries than diet food, in most cases. I gave it a try but I can’t stay in a group that keep showing me pictures of “donut holes” that are “healthy”. That isn’t working for me. I have worked really hard to learn how to learn how to enjoy real food in moderation or learn to enjoy healthier foods to sabotage myself like this.

Now all I need is a … well God knows. Thanks for reading.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.

If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Bruises

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 16, 2023 | Cancer, Poetry

My arms and torso and legs are covered in yellow
not my happy yellow but the one with a bit of brown mixed in
that makes me sad to look at
It is heavy and thick like wet cement
and made worse by the valentines I can’t swallow

If I could have a baby
the one I have always wanted
I would paint their room a rainbow
including yellow with a hint of lavender
my favorite color
But it wouldn’t be the color that would make me smile

How would you know
You have never had a child
These are mean words that cut deeper than the curette
used to cut away at the cancer cells inside my uterus
The bleeding and cramping will heal after the medical procedure
but I will be forgiving for a much longer time

I told them to go away and then I made them do it
because I was tired of feeling rejected
unloved
I told them what I needed
But after the compassion was handed out to everyone else
There was never enough for me

I want to be green and lush
Cool and clean
but my memories keep me awake and steal my smiles
I feel so alone even though You are with me
Why can’t I let this sadness go

Radiation treatment is the next trauma
I don’t know what color I will be then
but I know You will be carrying me
when I can’t move on my own

Cancer Update February 6, 2023: D&C under anesthesia

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 14, 2023 | About Summer, Cancer, Life, Opinions

I had my 4th procedure on Monday February 6, 2023. When I say procedure I am speaking of a D&C under anesthesia. My oncologist removed the IUD, filled my body with gas and made my uterus dilate. She inserted a camera to see what there was to see and took biopsies of the tissue in the lining of my uterus and removed any obvious cancer cells. Although it is a common procedure and I have had it 3 other times besides this time, I still was very anxious and very thankful that Karen could be with me until it was time to go to the operating room.

When I am very anxious I twitch in my torso and legs, sometimes in my arms. The anesthesiologist noticed when she came to see me before the procedure and I let her know about my random and involuntary twitching. She told me she had some medicine for that that she would give to me before she put me to sleep.

I hate the ride to the operating room. It makes me feel out of control and a little nauseous, even with the patch they put behind my ear to avoid that. So I keep my eyes closed. The operating room is very intimidating. It seems extremely large when you are on a gurney. Almost bulbous. There are people on all sides of the rooms getting things ready, just for you. You hear all kinds of sounds, music, tools being prepared that sound much like setting a large family dining room table. Everyone has those little booties over their shoes so their feet make that faint shuffle sound with every step. But as they asked me to move from the gurney to the cold, metal operating table all I could hear was the blood pumping in my ears as, what seemed like 5 nurses, all trying to offer their help with my gown and getting my arms in the right spot and getting me centered on the table.

I have skinny and deep veins. It is always a challenge to get an IV in my arms. I know this, so I made sure to drink a gallon of water the 2 days before my procedure and a liter of water before I was cut off from any fluids. It is the only thing I can do to help; making sure I am not dehydrated is all I can control. This day was no different. They brought in the hot packs, they beat on my arms, they had the tourniquets on and finally brought in the special light to be able to see where my veins were. They chose a spot that is hard for the technicians in the operating room, my wrist. If my hand is not perfect the medicine doesn’t go in so someone has to hold my hand during the procedure to make sure I don’t wake up. Usually I am asleep a lot faster but on this day, it took us a minute to realize the arrangement we were stuck with by the phlebotomist. My oncologist came in and flipped my blanket and gown over my face. The nurses quickly said hello to the doctor but obviously more with their eyes, because my gown was pulled down and my doctor said hello to me. I was able to say, “Hello Dr Westhoff,” before I fell asleep…this the fourth time we have met like this, at some point modesty is not on the top of the list.

When I woke up I was being returned to my room. I felt like my vagina had been scrubbed by a pine cone and that pine cone had been shoved in my uterus and was quietly on fire. I don’t remember it feeling this bad after other procedures. I kept telling people how bad it hurt. Unlike other times where I was ready to jump off the bed, get dressed and leave, this time I was not in a hurry, although I wanted Karen to be found as quickly as possible. The nurse told me I had been brought directly from the OR to my room, instead of going to recovery first so this must be the difference. At some point Karen showed up. No one offered me any of the nice intravenous meds I had been offered in the past and if I could just stop the world from spinning, I was ready to go home and be miserable there. I was offered one dose of oxy but I turned it down. I don’t like that stuff.

The next day it was obvious that just as the other times, I had needed to be put under more so I would stop moving. I know this because my throat was burning from the tube that had been put down my throat. I have had a terrible cough since as my throat has healed. I move all the time. I rarely stop, even if it is only small movements. I am sure this makes it hard to do what the doctor needs to do.

This week has been hard. More emotionally hard than anything else. I have been depressed for the last month and let me tell you, this procedure is not what you need to come out of it. I feel isolated and the after effects of surgery for me are not fun. My body does not like to be poked and prodded and there are ways it shows me, both mentally and physically that are unpleasant.

I have been watching for emails from my doctor about the biopsy. I got one a few days ago that said there was still cancer there. I wasn’t surprised because I had been ordered to begin the cancer meds again. We had stopped them after I had the blood clots in my lungs, back in October, so that my body could respond and get rid of them. Cancer meds aren’t fun. I keep telling myself I am lucky because other people have to fight harder with other methods that are more painful…but today I got an email from my oncologist that said we have to talk about radiation.

I didn’t need this today. I am so tired. I am so sick of pills. I am so angry to be stuck in this body. There is always a barrier standing in front of me and I just want a bit of freedom…

…and yet God is faithful and He will bring me through this too.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Sometimes You Just Feel Thankful! A Cancer Update

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 25, 2022 | Cancer, Life, Prayers & Thanksgiving

I feel so thankful today! I just got off my video appointment with my oncologist just a few minutes ago and got really good news. Sometimes you just feel thankful and this is one of those times for me.

This appointment was supposed to be a pre-op appointment for my next procedure, the first week of November but because I haven’t been on my blood thinners for a month yet, Dr Westhoff wants to put my next procedure off until early December. Hey, I don’t mind.

She told me that my pulmonary embolisms were very large and there were three factors that could have contributed to why I got them: my inactivity because of my pain levels, my endometrial cancer and the Megestrol to treat the cancer. I haven’t been taking my cancer meds for a couple weeks, when she told me to stop taking it.

She wants to hold off on the next D&C until I have been on the blood thinners for at least a solid month. She also wants to order an ultrasound on my legs prior to my next procedure to make sure that there are no new blood clots in my legs. If there are blood clots found, we will wait a bit longer for my next procedure because the type of anesthesia we use can actually cause blood clots to come loose and send them to my lungs and then I will be in the same position.

Once we are able to do the next Dilation and Curettage she will decide if and when I will restart taking the cancer meds.

She also told me that I will be taking Eliquis longer than 3 months, but as long as I have active cancer in my body. She insisted that I needed to stay on Eliquis and not another medication because it works better with my treatment and the fact that I have cancer is a factor that may cause me to have blood clots. I was a little stressed about that because that means $250 a month, after insurance. Dr Westhoff helped me to feel better when she told me that she would have Legacy’s pharmacy call Karen with resources. Because I have cancer there are resources to help get that number to an easier amount each month. Thank You God!

Dr Westhoff made sure to remind me that during the last procedure she could see that my body was responding to the treatment plan. She is also happy that I haven’t had a period in 2 months which means that the IUD is doing its job in making my uterus a peaceful place…I will be doing blood work for my primary tomorrow to verify that I am no longer anemic…

All in all I am getting good news from my doctors and I am so THANKFUL!

Happy birthday Mom!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I Had to Paint my Toenails Today

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 11, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

Coming home is a process and sometimes each day has only enough spoons for that day and not enough for coming home. My last procedure for my endometrial cancer was in August and I was told to remove my toenail polish, all my jewelry and wash from head to toe with antibacterial soap twice and wash all my bedding and clothes I would wear to bed the night before and to the hospital. I have been home 5 days from my bout with deep vein thrombosis and pulmonary embolism but I am still not totally here…so I had to paint my toenails today.

If you aren’t chronically ill or aren’t close to someone who is, you might not know what I am talking about when I mention spoons, but basically, it is a way of talking about how much energy you have. If you are my wife, with untreated ADHD, you have many more spoons than I do. If you are a normal middle-aged woman you might have twice as many more spoons as I do…the number of spoons I have varies depending on how much pain I am in, what I did the day before, how much anxiety or depression is affecting me today and if there is something else happening that I don’t know about, like DVT or PE.

I never did repaint my toenails after my procedure in August. There have been lots of reasons why. Sometimes it is hard to come back home after being in the hospital and I just didn’t do it. But it is a vanity that makes me feel like myself and I should have done it as soon as I could sit up.

Having cancer has been not unlike any other diagnosis for me. I know it is there. I take my meds as prescribed. I drink my water. I have cut out some more of my favorite foods. (I should premise that my favorite foods have included tomatoes, pineapple, peppers, chilis, curries, and many other healthy foods). I do my exercises. I try to stay positive. I show up at the hospital when they tell me to. I planned it that way. In fact my diagnosis for arthritis bothered me more, it is not curable and it is debilitating. With cancer there is a chance it will be cured. The fact that I have cancer has made my body more susceptible to blood clots and the hormone treatments has also increased my chances at blood clots.

Enter DVT and PE…I was reading about them today. I am taking my blood thinners. Not the old, less expensive ones but the new and very expensive ones (donations can be sent via PayPal to karen@wellnessworksnw.com…I am not joking…these meds cost double what we usually spend on ALL my meds for an entire month, after insurance). We chose the new ones because the old ones have lots of side effects, I would have to come in for blood tests weekly and I would have to give up even more of my favorite foods and there aren’t many left.

My breathing has gotten much better the last two days but I am still tired really easily. The articles I read said it could take 3-6 months for my body to break down these blood clots.There is a chance my body will never break them down. That is not where my mind is going.

I had an appointment with my rheumatologist today. I like her but she is located inside PeaceHealth St John. I was very stressed while being there. I am thankful that I didn’t have a full blown anxiety attack and my blood pressure was only slightly high…I have lost 10 lbs since I was weighed on Friday…this place makes me crazy. When I checked in, the receptionist kindly asked me if I would like a wheelchair. I thanked her but told her I needed my exercise. I want these blood clots gone. I may move slow, but I am trying to get back to me.

I am glad I painted my toenails today…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I am Here Now

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 10, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

I keep reminding myself that I am here now because it is the truth but my mind keeps slipping back to the past. I keep feeling the cords on me holding me down. I keeping hearing the beeping of the machines. I sometimes feel their hands on me holding me down and telling me not to help them because it makes it worse while they ripped my clothes off of me. I tried to tell them that I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD and I needed to be heard, but their rules were more important than me. My heart rate shooting up, sweating, and my hyperventilating were part of my new condition but they were probably part of mega anxiety attacks. Why couldn’t my wife be with me? She has seen all my parts. She is a trained CNA. She grounds me.

It has been hard to try to come back to my life. I keep slipping back into recent events and very old ones. I am always telling myself: I am here now. My emotional support animal, Xavier, is here. When she is not at work, my wife, Karen G Clemenson, is here. I have my diffuser going and air isn’t cold and dry, although I am still dealing with the after effects of 6 days of cold dry air. My sinuses are killing me and I my nose bleeds all the time. I would tell the nurses about the air and they would all say the same thing: Is it?

I told my friend about some of my experiences and she asked me why I had not changed into a gown when I was in ER and I had no answer. The ER department is very different from ICU. In ER, my wife could have helped me. I was well aware that I was very sick and in need of help, it would have taken me a long time to undress and dress myself but I trust Karen, in fact she is one of the only people I do trust.

I went to PeaceHealth St John with shortness of breath and chest pain on Sunday October 2, 2022. I had been having shortness of breath since the Wednesday before and thought maybe my asthma had been flaring up, although I haven’t had a flare in years; I have arthritis in my ribs so I am also used to some pain in my chest as well. Up until that day, taking a nap helped, and by the evening the pain was a strong 7 and I couldn’t fall asleep for the pain. I finally agreed that I am not Wonder Woman and since I had never had a heart attack before, what if this was what was happening?

They took me back to a triage room right away and I was given an EKG and my stats were checked. My numbers were off and my heart rate was thready. I was taken back to a room in the ER and also given a test for COVID…which I don’t have. Eventually a doctor came in and told me he thought I was having a heart attack because my heart was creating a hormone that tells that. I was going to be given blood thinners and admitted to the ICU. Eventually a wonderful nurse was following me down the hall, which I couldn’t walk down without leaning against the wall, trying not to pass out. She was listening to what I was saying and running to get a chair. After that she talked the doctor into a CAT scan where they found that I had a large blood clot in each of my lungs. One was putting pressure on the right side of my heart and stressing it out. I wasn’t having a heart attack but that was why my heart was creating that stress hormone.

The CAT scan was terrifying. The ride to get the CAT scan was terrifying. All the lights and colors and people not talking to me, but about me. I couldn’t focus. I can’t handle being man handled. I have no doubt that this team could care for me but they weren’t talking to me or asking me questions. I had never been to this hospital for this service before. My experiences with Legacy were very different. They tell me everything and listen to me; it helps me stay calm and be part of my experience. I know the medical professionals were doing their job at PeaceHealth St John but they were only treating my body, they were not considering my mental status and they were causing me trauma after trauma.

I was trying so hard not to cry. I knew no one would care if I cried and it would only stress my lungs out more. By the time I was admitted to ICU I was a mess and that was the worst experience ever. The nurse that led my experience of moving me from one bed to the other and ripping my clothes off, while refusing to listen to me at all, brought in a fan and wanted to know if we were best friends now. I couldn’t speak. I was terrified of her. Even as she put oxygen on me, which I knew I didn’t need, I kept it on because I was afraid of her.

The next morning they brought in an ultrasound machine to look at my legs and found more blood clots in my left leg. The technician came back the next day to have a look at my heart. He could see my heart was still stressed out on the right side. That ultra sound was super uncomfortable. The skin under my breast is very soft and it got all torn up. It is still healing and very painful. He was a very nice man and that wasn’t his goal but it was another blow to my experiences…

I did have one nurse that I really loved in ICU and she was the main nurse I worked with. She helped me a lot and I really appreciated her.

Every doctor said the same thing…that my blood pressure was good and that they could find no reason for the blood clots other than a reaction to the hormone therapy I am going through to treat my endometrial cancer…that will be another adventure…all of them seemed surprised that even though I was stuck in bed I was doing exercises every day. What else was I supposed to do? I was bored and I have arthritis? Movement is the only thing that works for me. Even if I can only do the easy ones…(My oncologist did take me off the Megestrol and said we talk more on my pre-op appointment later this month).

I spent 2 days in ICU and then I was moved to a regular room. I was still confined to a bed. The doctors wanted me to have a certain amount of days with blood thinners in me before I started moving around. Just like in the ICU they insisted I try to use a bed pan. I told them my body does what she wants, but go ahead and try…and just like in the ICU I sat on that thing until I lost feeling in my rear end, with no luck. Unlike in ICU, they didn’t put a catheter in (Thank God!) but they did bring in an ultrasound to see how much fluid was in my bladder. It was fine until morning and by that time the doctor felt I could get up and walk to the toilet. Was I glad to hear that!

By Thursday I was so done. My anxiety levels were off the chart, regardless of the extra meds the doctors prescribed and my blood pressure was starting to rise to showcase that. I was starting to have bouts of deep depression that I couldn’t shake and fleeting thoughts of suicide. My blood sugars are normally right around 100-120 but they were high every time they checked and I was losing patience with anyone touching me. I actually told off a few of the people who were there to help me. I just don’t like being touched and I needed to go home. I was so happy on Friday morning when I was told the doctors finally were setting me free!

Overall most of my nurses and CNAs were amazing during my stay at the hospital. They were helpful and compassionate, for the most part, but I don’t understand some of the philosophy differences and I am frustrated that the medical profession still does not assess the whole person. I have decided that I wont be going to PeaceHealth St John for my hospital needs anymore.

I am still winded very easily but I guess my body still has not broken down the blood clots. My body doesn’t feel like my own. I am having trouble getting back into my routine. I suppose this is normal. I am still learning what to do with this condition…but I am here now…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Sometimes You Have to Fish on the Other Side of the Boat

by Summer D Clemenson | Aug 19, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Life, Opinions

I have been very tired this week. Literally most of what I do is sleep. I am sure a lot of that is because my body is fighting the cancer. Yes. We have confirmation after my last procedure that the treatment is working. My body is killing the cancer. The tissue samples in my 2nd procedure were rubbery but my samples from last procedure were soft and brown, which is more normal. That means the IUD and the medication is helping my body get rid of the cancer on its own. If things keep going in this direction, after my next procedure in November we can start spreading out the procedures and maybe even cut back on the meds. This makes me very happy.

We have had a lot of trials to overcome. This week is not without them. My sister, Jamie Holloway, is still in the hospital. She is planning to have surgery on Thursday to have stints put in her lungs on Thursday. She is also confronting the reality that she is at the point that she has to give up much of her freedom. Her doctors want her to go to a group home where she will have round the clock care, which sounds great but she won’t be able to have her cat with her or visitors and she isn’t sure about her books or her internet. These are all her security blankets. She asked my opinion and I started asking questions. Before we could get really anywhere she told me she was going to ask about assisted living where she could have her cat, visitors and internet. I told her I felt that she would not do well in a place that did not let her have these things. She agreed.

I am heartbroken.

I just got off my Zoom appointment with my psychiatrist. He is nice but he isn’t my therapist. He is mainly there to make sure my meds are correct. They are. Even he asked if I had spoken with my therapist about Jamie. I look forward to Monday when I talk to my therapist.

I hadn’t realized how sick my friend was until I saw her in the ICU. It took me seeing her being helped by 2 nurses, knowing that they don’t put you in the ICU for no reason, to know that my friend and I might not get to do some of the adventures we dreamed of.

God gave me this message a few weeks ago. I have been chewing on it for a while. I wasn’t sure what it would look like because I wasn’t ready to write it. I have been reading a lot. I have been trying to live better. Enjoy life better. As our car is still at the shop because we don’t quite have all the money to pay for it and there are programs we have been waiting YEARS for that we know we are eligible for, but for whatever reason we are still waiting for, I could let myself be pretty let down with this side of the boat, but I know that there is another side of the boat.

On the other side of the boat, Jamie is safe. She is cared for and Nicholas, her cat is safe with Jamie’s brother’s family. Karen and I have a roof over our head, food to eat, clothes and shoes to wear and we too are safe. We have everything we need. Not only that, we like each other and enjoy each other and many married couples can’t say that. Karen got hired on at another job that she will start this weekend. Although I don’t like her having to have this other job, I appreciate that she is willing to do it so our bills can be paid and we can save for emergencies like the car breaking down. Or better yet, trading this one in for vehicle that works better for us both.

I have been reading all kinds of books lately. I had to leave some people I love on their path because they were taking away from my harmony and balance. It is hard. It doesn’t turn off my love for them but it helps me heal and learn my harmony and balance so I can be a better person. From what I have read, it seems that in many religions there is a higher power or Creator, and the main goal is to learn peace, harmony and balance with others and to learn how to love others which doesn’t always mean staying with people that promote chaos and drama, whether intentional or not. Most religions promote listening over talking. I find this refreshing. Most religions teach a connection with all living things. I feel this. I have always felt this. I don’t believe this takes away from the teachings of Jesus, in fact I think it enlightens them.

Did you know that our Cherokee brothers call our White brothers, brothers? Even with all the terrible lies we told them and everything we took from them, they consider them on their own path. The Cherokee have sacred teachings about everything from the beginning of time that talk about global warming and chronic illness, their teachings and ways would have protected us longer. They believe that their White brothers are just not as advanced on their path. That is how they talk about people that look like me.

I am reading Beloved by Toni Morrison right now too. If you have never read it, it is a novel where most of the characters were slaves at one point in their lives and they were from plantations where the masters were terrible. I have read easier to read stories. This is not one of them. One of the characters says that White people don’t know when to stop.

As I process these different ideas and books I know that not all White people are evil. This is a good time to fish on the other side of the boat. For every evil person, there were people that taught others to read, gave them food, took care of their wounds, gave them jobs and were their friend. There were advocates of every color and creed. There still are.

Why am I doing this? I am searching for myself. When I told certain people I had to leave them, I lost everyone. My family doesn’t reach out to me; they don’t answer me. I felt disconnected. But I am not. Karen is my family. God is my family. Everyone is my family. I am looking for what I don’t know that is missing in me. So I am reading autobiographies, random novels by powerful authors and everyday I am in the bible. I am fishing on the other side of the boat and I am amazed at what I am finding.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Revive me, O Lord, for Your name’s sake!

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 15, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Essential Oils, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

This has been a hard week.

I have thought about writing but decided to do my bible study before I wrote and each time decided I would put it off because I was not right and I didn’t want to write the wrong thing. Knowing when to not say anything is wisdom too.

Today I found the scripture that captured how I have felt and still feel a bit. I am so thankful that God is so faithful! He is so patient and helpful when we keep pushing into Him for guidance and healing.

I can see now that I set myself up for failure. I can blame no one but myself.

I chose to get my final COVID-19 booster on Saturday. I have been exhausted and my arm has been in more pain that I remember from most immunizations but Frankincense and Peppermint have proven to be the best helper.

I chose to visit a church that was an offshoot of a church I have been to before that I know has cult-like beliefs. I wanted to believe they would be different. They have amazing worship but their teachings are not entirely biblical. I know this. I was hurting a lot and I wanted to be healed even though God has told me that no one would ever be allowed to prophesy over me or heal me. I let them anyway and brought home someone’s spiritual junk.

My neurologist has been adjusting my anti-convulsants, hoping to address my Trigeminal Neuralgia with a medicine we are currently using to control my migraines. It seems to affect my moods until my body is used to the new dosage. I can see and feel this. I should stay off Facebook while we do this but I chose to become part of a conversation I should have stayed out of. Instead, a comment I made that was not fully thought about became a huge thing and one of my sibling’s adult children used a comment they used to use to hurt me. I am glad I showed restraint in my response because the next day when I looked at their comment again, I realized they were being 20 years old and not being malicious.

But PTSD had taken hold of me.

This comment had done its damage and they might as well have sliced me in two so I could have had Karen G Clemenson send pictures to my oncologist to see if my cancer was still there. I have been fighting with old feelings all week. Forgiving was painfully hard and didn’t seem to be working like usual. The pain would not go away. It has been very hard to function but I have succeeded to do my workouts on most days, do my bible studies, get laundry done and cook healthy meals…not much more.

I have worked though a lot of things and God reminded me that I don’t have to visit any churches this coming weekend so I can rest a bit more from the stress I caused myself and be able to enjoy some time with Karen on her days off. He never did say I had to join a church, that is something I crave. A family, but I have issues with family and He isn’t done working on me…

One thing that was a turning point for me this week, that really helped me stop focusing so much on my pain was the miracle that Jamie has found a doctor that will help her with her collapsed lung. You can learn more about what she is going through in her article called Update on June Goal! Jamie Holloway has been my best friend and sister for many years and I love her so much. When I need someone to listen or tell me the truth she is always there to listen and pray. She knows my heart, doesn’t feel the need to be defensive with me, and knows me better than most people so her struggle with getting enough oxygen hurts my heart. I pray every day that God heal her lungs and throat. I admire her strength and determination to have the best life she can even in the most scare circumstances.

So…I choose to forgive myself for putting too much on my plate and expecting too much out of myself and setting myself up for failure and I trust myself to the Holy Spirit that loves me and wants to see me whole by the grace of God. Amen

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Cancer Update June 2022

by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 23, 2022 | Cancer, Prayers & Thanksgiving

I was supposed to have a D&C on Monday. If you don’t know what that is. It is short for Dilation and Cutterage and it is exactly what it sounds like. It would have been my third one since I got my endometrial cancer diagnosis. The reason I didn’t have the procedure is that my insurance doesn’t want to cover the possibility that the IUD would have to be replaced at the end of the procedure.

Because my cancer is in stage 1 and class 1 we are treating my cancer with a D&C every 3 months, placement of a Molina IUD to help balance my hormones in hopes that my body will fight off the cancer on it’s own and then with the highest dose of Megestrol I can take every day. My insurance doesn’t want to cover an IUD that should last 5 years but it has to be removed for the procedure plus normal wear and tear sometimes makes it so that it must be replaced sooner. I can see why my insurance company is saying no.

I have a lot of doctor bills. They actually are probably pretty normal for a middle class family but we are not a middle class family. We have filled out all the applications for assistance but it seems like it still takes a lot of phone calls and time to get the wheels moving to get grants to help. I can understand this too. Right now, Legacy is concerned about the size of my account. I don’t blame them. I make payments each month but it all takes time and money and I have time and very little money.

I can see why we have been rescheduled for August for my next procedure. This procedure is the pivotal moment. This is the one that tells us whether the treatment has worked or if we need to talk about more serious options. This also gives us time to get assistance in order. It also let’s Karen start at her new promotion, get trained and receive her raise and work with her union. It may be that adding me to her insurance and having her insurance cover what mine won’t is the answer. We will see.

I am excited for Karen’s promotion. She has worked so hard for this. She loves it! And I get to see her more…plus it even leaves her more time to work with clients so she can still work on her dream of being a personal trainer. It’s a win-win all around.

When I do have my next procedure, if there isn’t enough change to see that the treatment is working we will have to plan for a laparoscopic hysterectomy. This surgery means I would have to essentially be upside down on the table for the procedure and that will put a lot of pressure on my lungs. If it seems that my body can’t handle this, the procedure will be cancelled and we will have to stop and plan for something else.

I am not a candidate for a vaginal hysterectomy. My uterus is very enlarged and I am very narrow. There is not enough room to safely remove my uterus without making sure all the blood vessels are handled correctly so that I don’t bleed out on the table. I appreciate that my doctor doesn’t want me to die during surgery. That doesn’t sound fun for either of us.

If the laparoscopic surgery doesn’t work we have to talk about an abdominal removal of my female organs which is dangerous and increases the risk of infection. We can also consider radiation. I am not wanting to consider either of these options but I will if I have to.

I am asking you to pray for me and my wife. She is good at wearing a strong face but I know she is worried. I am a stubborn woman and short of death, I will fight through no matter what but I worry about Karen. I don’t like pain but I am used to pain…although that doesn’t mean I want more.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

I Believe in Miracles

by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 14, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Life

I had my post-op appointment on Tuesday and it went well. My Oncologist said that the cancer is still there but that it is still stage 1, class 1, which means that it is not growing but it is not gone. Even though I am taking the highest dose of Megestrol and I have a Molina IUD, which has the highest level of hormones, 6 months is a short time to expect my body to eradicate the cancer in my body. Even though I believe in miracles, she and I agree that the cancer being gone that fast, would be a miracle.

For some reason the scale at my oncologist office will not work when I am on it. They have assured me it can manage my weight. I tell the nurses it is probably my magnetic personality. I see doctors frequently so they always ask me when I weighed last and I tell them. This time it was at my surgery, about 3 weeks ago. The nurse looked it up and I haven’t lost or gained anything. I am holding firm, despite not exercising and not really watching what I eat more than my normal restrictions, however I do drink a gallon of water or unsweetened herb tea almost every day. My doctor gave me the look when I told her that I haven’t been exercising. The answer that I had had severe cramping and bleeding until a few days ago was a good answer until a few days ago and I know it. She reminded me that if the drugs and IUD don’t work I will require a full hysterectomy and that is a dangerous surgery at my size. I know this and getting any weight off or at least being stronger would help me in many ways. I know this too.

Change can be a Miracle

As many of you know I have worked hard to be committed to my workouts. These surgeries every 3 months have thrown a wrench in my commitment. However that doesn’t mean that I can’t keep drinking 4 liters of water or unsweetened herb tea every day, which I do faithfully, only missing very rarely and eating well and balanced.

I started exercising Wednesday. This morning was painful but I feel better after my second day of working out and I know that I will continue to feel better as I get stronger, eliminate the extra water and waste in my body and build muscle. Losing weight would be nice but I have learned with this body to be happy with being strong. If I lose weight that is a bonus. Although I would like to be smaller for many reasons: I don’t fit in many chairs, traveling is hard and if I fall, my wife can’t lift me, even though she lifts weights and is stronger than many women, and I know she worries about that…If I need a hysterectomy it will be very dangerous at this size. I do know that, but I can’t worry about that. There is risk in everything and I have made many wellness changes in my life and have committed to continue to do so and that is all I can do.

Each day I have chosen to move my body on purpose has been a miracle because there was a time in my life that I did not do this. I am thankful that I have been able to commit to myself to be as well as I can be, in spite of chronic pain and illness. This is a miracle in my mind. I thank God for His help all the time. I remember when He has coached me and He still does. He knows me best.

Struggle can be a Miracle

I have been struggling with my Neurologist since I began seeing him on January 27, 2022. I thought I misread him, that maybe once I got to know him better that I would be able to work with him but his ego never got smaller. At our first visit he put my other doctors down and told me that doctors that aren’t helping should be fired. He had already decided my diagnosis before he saw me and began treating me for migraines immediately. I agree I have migraines but I went to him for the pain in my face that makes it hard to speak sometimes. This pain makes it hard to drink, eat, floss and brush my teeth, even washing my face can be painful and when it is really flared up, it can wake me up at night. He told me at my first appointment that all I had to do was email him when my face began acting up and he would prescribe what I needed but when I emailed him, he didn’t read my messages. All I got was apologies from his medical assistants. I left him with 3 prescriptions, 2 for every day and 1 for big migraines which I take, but when I have asked questions about these, I have got no response. I have called. Karen has called. No one calls back. So I finally decided I wanted a referral to another neurologist and sent an email asking for one. Still no response. Even when both I and Karen called.

Since I was in the building on Tuesday, I decided to stop by there. I felt so bad for the young lady at the reception area. She looked petrified when she realized who I was. I was not angry but I was direct when I told her my goal was to change my appointment on the 22nd to be with a different neurologist before I left there that day. She seemed tongue tied and went to verify information with someone. She thought I would need to ask my primary for another referral for a neurologist. I had the email penned before she came back but I deleted it when she let me know there was one neurologist that could take my case, if she chose. She would be in the office later. She pointed to her card, but I chose to not take it. I didn’t want to appear to eager. Instead I looked at her with honest eyes and said: I just have this pain in my face that he said he would help me with and he is ignoring me. I just need help. Her stress softened. I think she understood, I wasn’t trying to be a pain.

I am still waiting to hear from them. They do not communicate anything like my oncologist’s office.

Communication is really important to me; vital. I was ignored a lot in my life and I won’t be ignored anymore. Especially when it comes to doctors who I have hired to help me be healthy. The struggle I have had with this neurologist is also a miracle because it has forced me to stand up for myself and yet be fair and direct and not violent. To me this is a miracle. In the way I was raised the only way to be heard was to freak out but that is not healthy for me or for the people that are not hearing me. I have communicated my needs and expectations. I have heard their response. I know that if they don’t choose to serve me that I will be contacting my primary about a referral outside of Legacy next week and I am ok with that. In my mind that is a miracle.

Loving Relationships are a Miracle

Especially with gas prices where they are at, we wanted to make sure to stop by and hug Jamie Holloway before we left Vancouver. It was good to see her and deliver some treats I bought for Nicholas, her fur-baby. Even though she is only breathing with one lung and she started steroids that day, she looks pretty good and Yelena, her caregiver was there. She is a great lady. It was a nice visit.

I love when I get to see Jamie because I know I am with someone that gets me. We don’t even have to speak but our hearts do. Especially at this time, I know we hold each other up. She has encouraged and taught me how to fight for my wellness and I know I encourage her too. I have learned to ask more questions than to offer her advice. No one knows how to live in a chronic body better than a chronic person and what works for Jamie’s body doesn’t necessarily work for my body. She and I have been learning to live as well as possible in our chronic bodies for 8+ years each (she longer than me) we are not newbies. That doesn’t mean we can’t learn more but we do know more than a healthy person. Healthy people are blessed in a way they can’t imagine.

The healthy people around us, know something that healthy people that don’t take care of chronic people would never know. You have different conversations with each other. Karen and I talk about my death more. We talk about pain more. I may not know how to get rid of mine, but I know how to help her with hers. I know she worries about if she dies first a lot more than she tells me. That too is part of a loving relationship.

Tuesday was a great day. Wednesday was a quiet day. To be honest Mahjong was most of what I accomplished. I have slept late today and I know a nap is in the future as well but I am glad to have got my workout done. I have some cleaning that needs to be attended to as well.

I hope your day is blessed!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Better Habits: Refrigerator Stone Ground Oats Recipe

by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 7, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Community, Food, Life

Regardless of what your food philosophy is or what diet plan you follow or don’t, eating is important. Babies that don’t learn to latch on properly at birth are labeled failure to thrive and have a hard path in front of them and people with food issues do too. I was raised with several food issues and I have spent about 20 years trying to reteach myself better habits.

Breakfast is a hard one, especially because my wife, Karen, works swing shift and doesn’t come home until at least midnight sometimes and I like to eat dinner with her so we don’t often get to bed until 2 or 3 am. So my normal breakfast time is not the normal breakfast time but really breakfast is really just the idea of breaking a fast so it doesn’t matter what time it happens.

I also don’t wake up easily. I hate waking up. I am grumpy and in pain so making breakfast is not something I want to do. I tend to batch cook so we always have something ready to eat in the fridge. Karen is an action person and she is always coming and going so I often have hard boiled eggs, a frittata and maybe a soup or stew in the fridge. Sometimes we can’t get a hold of farm fresh eggs and my body can’t process store bought ones. I also can’t eat a lot of gluten, sugar and since I have been on megestrol for my cancer treatment, I can’t eat avocados, coffee, tea with caffeine and most recently spinach and wild rice…I was craving Cream of Wheat a few months ago but knew I couldn’t have that. When I did a search I found they had a gluten free option, Cream of Rice. I purchased it and found that I hated it when I made it with water but if I made it with almond milk, I loved it…but starting that day with that many carbs was causing me to crave carbs all day. That wasn’t working for me either.

I had some organic gluten free rolled oats but those just seemed so heavy and for some reason they didn’t stay with me. Did you know that if you purchase oats that don’t say gluten free that they might have gluten in them? I didn’t know that but I sure could feel it sometimes. I like cereal in the morning so I kept thinking. Then I remembered that I had bought stone ground oats and had loved them in the past. I knew they took a lot longer to cook than rolled oats so I started Googling. I found that they had protein, fiber, potassium, iron and calcium while the rice really only had carbs…and I could soak them overnight and get the same effect as cooking them. How exciting!

Summer’s Refrigerator Stone Ground Oats Recipe

1 Glass Quart Sized Jar with the lid
2 cups Organic Gluten Free Stone Ground Oats
2 cups Raisins
Organic Ground Cinnamon
Sea Salt
Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk

I don’t really measure anything. I use the measurements on the side of the jar but I don’t get out any tools.

Add half a jar of oats.
I turn the cinnamon upside down in the jar and slap the bottom 30 times (or as much as you like).
I guestimate about 1 tsp sea salt.
I fill the rest of the jar with raisins.
I close the jar really tight and shake it really good.
Open the jar and fill it with Almond Milk (or whatever type of milk you like).
Put the lid on really tight and give it a really good shake. Refrigerate overnight.

In the morning…or whenever you enjoy your oats…

In a bowl that holds at least 2 cups add 4 tsps of oats from the jar and then add as much milk as you like. Heat on high for 2 minutes in the microwave. Stir and enjoy.

You should have 5 adult servings. Adjust for smaller eaters.

These oats are super filling! They have a luscious texture so if you are used to butter in your oats, you won’t miss it. There is just enough salt to accent the sweetness of the oats, cinnamon and raisins that you won’t miss the sugar so you won’t need to add more than what is naturally occurring in the food. I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.

Today was a great day!

Today has been a very productive day. I was really feeling down a couple weeks ago. I was starting to abuse myself because I felt like I had given up on everything I like to do, even writing and then I realized that although I hadn’t been updating my blog, I had taken to writing long Facebook posts and even dating them. For the last two weeks I have been going through all those posts from back in October when I got my cancer diagnosis and reading them. The ones that were good enough for the blog are now here…and that is most of them.

I learned a lot. I have gone through a lot. There is a reason I am exhausted. I shouldn’t let my mind tell me I am lazy or unmotivated. I am sick and I probably a little shell shocked. I am mourning losses and yet I am growing.

My phone phobia is getting worse. I can send small books via text or messenger but I can barely speak to people I love on the phone. It is very hard to talk to doctor offices. I am glad that most of the time, Karen makes those calls for me. I think that is why I feel like I failed so badly with my neurologist. I tried to communicate well with him but he was not able to reciprocate. I did not call on Monday like I said I would. I chickened out. But I did call today and I was put through to an answering machine where I explained my phone phobia and let them know that I would try really hard to answer the phone when they called back but even with all the worrying about that. They never did call back.

My primary called today. I could not make myself answer, at the time, but I did make myself call back. They were responding to my email about some tummy trouble I had for about a week. Luckily, when Karen called to reschedule my post-op appointment with my oncologist because of this uncontrollable issue, they put her directly through to the nurse who advised her that my meds were probably causing my issue and I realized that the the spinach and wild rice in the stew I had made were different than what I normally ate and when I stopped eating it, my problem went way…poor Karen has had a lot of that stew to eat on her own…So even though I was tongue-tied when I called I communicated to the person on the phone that I appreciated them calling to set up an appointment, but that the problem had subsided with the guidance of my oncology nurse, and was an issue caused due to a side effect of a medication I take for my cancer treatment, I was happy to keep my regularly scheduled checkup appointment scheduled for next month. She eventually caught up with me.

I am so much better in writing…

Yesterday was a blessing too! I was contacted by Heather at RAINS who was concerned because she had contacted Karen about a grant that was available for her. Heather let me know that both of us could apply and we should apply soon. What a blessing! So of course, I applied for both of us. We live in such a great community!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Medical Issues

by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 2, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Life

My surgery went well last week. I will see my oncologist on Tuesday and I believe I will hear good news at my post-op appointment. But during this time I have been suffering with a bad specialist of another kind. I have sent numerous messages and Karen has called many times. From the very first time I met him, I have felt confused and that confusion has become bigger and turned into all out feelings of neglect. To have such success on one side of my medical issues and such failure on another has left me exhausted to the extreme.

I sought out the help of a neurologist to help me with the pain in my head that was making self-care and speaking difficult. There are times, I can barely speak and drinking water or chewing, flossing or brushing my teeth excruciating. I was told by my doctor that if these symptoms were to return I would only have to email and he would fill the prescription I need to help me get back into remission but he did not follow through with his word, regardless of my many attempts, even telling him the name of the medication that was previously prescribed by the ER doctor who helped me. He does not respond. The only response I ever get back is an apologetic medical assistant.

He asked me to journal my pain and what I do, which I did. This makes me depressed. I don’t like to focus on the same thing all the time, that leads to the same thing, that is not helpful. This is the same reason my primary does not have me check my blood sugar, because it makes me stressed out and makes it worse, and when I don’t check my blood sugar, my sugars are better controlled and at almost pre-diabetic range. I journaled anyway. I shared with him the information that although I took the meds the way he told me to and I drank a gallon of fluid a day, the pain was getting worse and the Trigeminal Neuralgia pain was coming back…and he wished me well on my surgery and thanked me for the update.

Meanwhile my beloved, sister, Jamie is getting ready for another procedure to see how much damage has been done to her lungs and if it can be repaired and I feel so helpless. I am so thankful for her other friends that can help her. I am so thankful and even jealous of her amazing team of doctors that communicate so well for her good. I want that.<

I deserve that so I have decided to fire my neurologist before my next appointment. Even though I haven’t been told my results from the MRI on my brain. Any doctor can tell me about that. Jamie suggested that I see this doctor face to face and tell him he failed but I just can’t afford to pay to see him again. We are still working on paperwork for assistance and I feel like I am drowning in doctor bills and I won’t pay to see this man again, who cares so little for me and so much for his ego.

I sent the following message to him tonight:

Dr *****,
I have thought about it and I need to make a change in our relationship. On our first consult you put down all my other doctors. You also lied: you told me sinus headaches are not real, but you gave me a magazine about migraines that said they were a type of headache. You also told me if I had any Trigeminal Neuralgia symptoms to email you and you would prescribe the medication I need. That also did not happen. You don’t even read my messages, while my other doctors do. It costs me 5% of my monthly income to see you. I need a bigger return from you to allow you to remain such a large part of my budget. I understand you probably have many clients with similar issues, if you took even a moment to say, “this is to be expected,” or something to let me know that I am on the right track, it would have helped me so much but as it is, you don’t encourage or educate me.

My friend suggested that I face you and tell you that you had failed me but I have decided that I don’t need to pay to see you again. Please refer me to one of your colleagues. Thank you….

I am going to find the doctors that want to help me be better. I plan to call and cancel my appointment on the 22nd on Monday and see about getting connected with another neurologist.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Until we stop choosing trauma, we can’t know peace.

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 22, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Life

My surgery is tomorrow. I have spent today doing laundry, drinking water, updating my blog with posts I wrote in October but didn’t post and trying not to think about my surgery tomorrow. The last time I went through this I didn’t know what to expect and it was kind of nice to just go with the flow. One good thing is that they are allowing Karen to wait with me in the prep area and she will be in the room directly after I come out of recovery. That will be nice. I am not a person who naps or relaxes so it will be nice to have her there to visit with me and make me laugh. They will probably appreciate me not trying to run away too…

But I am scared. Not just from the pain and bleeding following the surgery but the unrelated but even more painful nerve issues that arose in my face following surgery that seem to be arising before surgery now. One good thing, this time I have a neurologist and I have already contacted him via email and his assistant assured me that she has sent my message and details to him for evaluation. I don’t see him until the end of April but I am already seeing some scary changes since the 13th of March. I know that stress can make migraines worse and that is probably what this is, except for the Trigeminal Neuralgia pain that is making it hard to chew or floss my teeth.

When I was single I said I would never treat cancer. I would just let it take me. I had no reason to fight it. But now that I know what a healthy love is, that makes me want to be better not just for me but for Karen and our future and the children we are building our future for, I have to fight this. So as scared as I am. I am choosing to be brave and you know what? I know I am not here by myself. I feel a light holding me. The same one that has taught me, and saved me and protected me when there was no one there who could.

I have had Jeremiah 29:11 on my wall for weeks. It fell off a few days ago and I can’t find it but I have memorized the main idea of it? God said: I know the thoughts I think about you. They are of peace, not of evil. I want to give you a future and a hope.

If God wants to give me hope, He probably wants me to seek hope. I went deeper with my therapist yesterday about some family members who will never be satisfied with what they have. It makes me sad. All I ever wanted was time and relationship. I see money and things as tools to take care of people. I am glad they are comfortable and I pray they are satisfied someday. Hope is what I hope they find.

The world doesn’t offer much hope. We turn on the TV and there is violence, sex, drugs, anger. We are so desensitized to it, we don’t even realize we are drawn to it, even in all our good intentions. Our bodies and minds are frail and it is easy to become sick there too. Hope is the key. Hope is where we find abundance and joy, kindness, goodness and the very Spirit of God.

I hope the next time you think about watching a reality show that you think about how much production goes into that “Reality Show” so it will be compelling enough for you to want to watch it because trauma sells…and maybe choose hope. Find a show that teaches you something…or turn the boob tube off all together and read a book or play a game. Until we stop choosing trauma, we can’t know peace.

Be well.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Food for Thought

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 3, 2022 | Cancer, Life

I realized today that some of my depression is that I miss enjoying food. I miss coffee made in a French Press with cream. I miss green tea with honey. I miss avocado with a little Himalayan Sea Salt. I have a strong sense of smell and a good palate…enter cancer meds…I have danced through GERD, giving up many of my favorite foods over the years, or at least minimizing how I have them but these cancer meds leave a bad taste in my mouth always…

Now if I am eating or drinking anything that doesn’t have a clean flavor, it tastes disgusting. Like Stash Tea…which all restaurants serve. It is cheap. I understand why they choose to serve it but my peppermint tea tasted like an ash tray today… I am an ex-smoker (16 years free) so I have some actual experience here. I had a feeling I should have brought my own…Rude. Yes…but only my server would know…

Karen really wanted to celebrate her birthday today. We have not eaten out in a restaurant since before COVID-19. Seriously. This was big. We chose the restaurant we went to based on a post on Facebook. We had been there before. I always hope more for them but everyone else seems to think they are great…I guess because I am a pretty good cook, and I watch the Food Network a lot, my standards are a bit higher than I tend to find in Longview. When it comes down to it, I don’t want to travel out of town to get a healthy meal in a beautiful setting…

I wasn’t impressed with the out-dated decor and I wasn’t impressed with the lack of uniforms on servers but I was impressed with the cleanliness and the friendliness of the servers…that made up for the lack of ambiance…almost. I ordered a fish meal that I am positive was frozen and reheated which left me bloated and a little disheartened but the post that got me there-the cake…which was great!

The reason I won’t go back is that the owner was bad-mouthing another local restaurant while standing in the middle of the dining room…not while they were in their office or break room…Not cool. I miss some of the old social expectations of knowing when and where to air your laundry.

This restaurant won’t miss me. I have only been there about 4 times. Their website is terrible and ordering online is only going to work if you have their menu memorized because they have no descriptions listed. They are obviously not marketing to me. That’s ok.

The best part of my experience is the way the sunlight lit up My Love’s face in the restaurant. Our spot near the window was wonderful and the clouds changed so much while we were there; they gave us quite a show! Karen really enjoyed her pasta dish and I am so glad we had some time to laugh in a new place. When we left, there was a 20-something couple that took turns holding the doors for us. I guess we are old but there are benefits to not dying so we can live another day and keep moving forward.

Veda is still here but I tried harder today. I did part of my workout until my abdomen started to hurt. I paid the bills and ordered what we needed for the month. I met with my psychiatrist and we agreed to increase one of my meds a little bit. I had to wrap my leg today instead of wearing compression hose because of the size of my leg but I walked more today and then I stayed in bed to keep my leg up so maybe I will have more success tomorrow. We shall see.

We also found a movie that Karen loved!!!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Veda is Here

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 2, 2022 | Cancer, Life

I am so blessed to have everything I need. I don’t tend to go into detail when I am depressed but Veda has been here 3 days. I named her that. I can already imagine the conversation with my psychiatrist tomorrow: No. I don’t think I need more meds. I think I can name several natural triggers for my feelings and mood…

1. There is war going on. I can feel it.
2. I have cancer. The meds make me super tired. They have also affected my taste buds. So far I cannot stand cheese and avocado… These meds have also made my stomach much more sensitive than usual and I also cannot have coffee or caffeine at all…
3. In the next 3 weeks I have an MRI on my brain, mammogram and follow up surgery scheduled…
4. One of the meds I take for migraine causes swelling so no matter what I do, the lymphedema in my left leg is somewhat out of control… I went 2 days without a headache this week for the first time in forever but being swollen is painful and unattractive…
5. Being swollen no matter what has made it easy to skip exercising…Not exercising is never good for me…
6. I have friends going through personal things and I know they will be ok but I still worry…
7. Nightmares have started again…the horror movie kind…

I know you probably have a lot to pray about already…we live in the same stressed out world…But if you want to add me to your list, I am grateful.

On a positive note… I got another doctor bill in the mail today. I had a knot in my gut knowing I had $7 left in my budget after bills and groceries… God is very good though, that doctor bill is only $4! Praise God!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Tired but Hopeful

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 8, 2022 | Cancer, Life

I am so tired but hopeful. Karen and I are working on getting the doctor bills paid and applying for assistance. This lifts a little of the burden off our shoulders. For some reason prescription costs are covered less by insurance one year and more the next, and we are in the year of more coverage so that is encouraging too.

I had to get up super early to be at PeaceHealth St John at 7:45 am…I am a night person so this is no small thing but I did it. Despite being careful about my food choices my stomach is regularly blowing up so sleep was nearly impossible last night. I mentioned that to my rheumatologist and she suggested I see an immunologist to help me with this. I thanked her and told her that like the suggestion of seeing an ENT that my neurologist gave me, this would have to wait until I am caught up on my bills with PeaceHealth and Legacy. She totally understood.

With that in mind, I was glad she was able to use the imaging from my abdomen to look at my spine, where my pain is the worst. We found that I am suffering with bone spurs and osteoarthritis. It isn’t PsA because Psoriatic Arthritis would create a bridge on the bones. She said this is where people tend to get arthritis first. Since I cannot take OTC meds and I am not interested in narcotics, all I can do is continue with my workouts and weight loss.

She was able to see recent labs from other doctors, instead of ordering new ones and costing me more money, to see my kidneys and liver are doing well. This is good because methotrexate can cause damage to these organs but it is obviously keeping PsA under control for me. She told me we cannot talk about changing meds right now because there is not a treatment that won’t impede my cancer treatment...so no changes…

When I got home I told Jamie about my tummy troubles and she reminded me that the cancer meds might be causing my problems. I am thinking about ways to change my eating. We had roasted vegetables and shared a grass fed steak last night. Maybe I need to eat heavier meals on Karen’s days off when we can have them for lunch instead of closer to bedtime. I made soup for tonight. We do eat a lot of soups and usually I don’t have a problem so it must be easier for me to digest.

My neurologist put me on a different pill before bed to help me sleep that isn’t addictive that works better than the one my psychiatrist has me on, which is addictive. The hard part is since my body is fighting cancer it wants two naps a day, yet when I allow that, I have trouble sleeping when Karen does… I am always a bit sleepy but my evenings are harder. I am trying to adjust. I am very thankful to find a solution for sleeping at night! This is wonderful! I have always had trouble sleeping at night.

I saw my eye doctor last week. I think Dr Tack has retired. I missed him. I honestly don’t remember my new doctor’s name but she is great. I don’t remember ever having my eyes dilated before…which only means if I had it done, my brain chose to forget it…wow! That was painful! However I learned that diabetes has not caused any damage to my eyes at all. The images of eyes are beautiful. I do need progressive lenses, which doesn’t shock me because I really struggle looking at things close up; especially reading…but otherwise my vision is really good.

The last month or so has been a time of collecting information about my health so I can fine tune my wellness plan. I have had quite a bit of suffering this winter but I am not a quitter. I may need to go slow. I may need to rest a lot but I am always trying to be better.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Radical Acceptance

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 28, 2021 | Cancer, Life

I am so thankful to Jesus! Radical acceptance tells me that I am not ready for what I want but He is always working on me and I always have what I need. I am a blessed woman.

The easy way has never worked for me so struggle is not new to me. Luckily for me, I don’t consider obstacles to be punishment or the sum of my life. I don’t make yearly resolutions and I don’t add up my painful experiences and decide that this year or that year is bad or good; life is growth and growth is not supposed to be easy and I don’t take life lightly.

That said, I am tired. I have lots of things that I am tired of but sharing those things doesn’t help others. Many of the things I am tired of relate to others so I am asking God to help me accept those things. I can’t control my body much of the time but I can control how I respond to things that happen. I want to be able to diffuse God’s wisdom and love through Jesus in me. I don’t want to judge or cause pain.

Pain is something I have had to make peace with. Tomorrow it will be two weeks since I have been suffering with a flare of trigeminal neuralgia. Most episodes are 1-3 seconds but I have had searing pain in my face for episodes of 2 to 41 minutes. The episodes that wake me confuse me. I sleep with a mouth guard so I cannot move my face a lot. Generally episodes are triggered by talking, eating, drinking but it seems any movement of my face can cause it. I have lots of stressful dreams due to PTSD, and episodes tend to happen when I am having a stressful dream. As irritating as it is at the time, Xavier is getting really good at waking me often.

I am used to flares of something (new or old pain, depression, and similar sufferings) when I start to feel successful. This is something that makes me tired too. Since I can’t truly pinpoint what my triggers are for my face issues I have paused my workouts. As the days go by my pain in the rest of my body has gotten worse. The snow and dry air doesn’t help. One side effect of my cancer meds is gas. I live with GERD so I don’t need help with this. Today I woke up in so much pain in my midsection I decided I had to do my workout. Working out doesn’t just increase flexibility, burn fat and release endorphins, it also helps our body eliminate things it doesn’t need. I am so thankful that I only had a few twinges during my workout! The rest of me felt better when I was done too!

Side effects of the anticonvulsant drug I am taking that are supposedly mild and should resolve themselves are extreme exhaustion, headaches, dry mouth, irritability, depression and blurred vision. I have episodes of all of these. I have been sleeping a lot. I am an action person so this is hard on me but I try to do a few things every day. I know I am doing what I can. I am having to learn that this is enough. It is hard.

I am frustrated that I have emailed my primary twice since Tuesday and she has not responded. I understand that it is Christmas but I would so appreciate if her assistant could respond…another thing I cannot control…

I know it may sound like I am complaining, and technically I am, but my heart and intent is to accept the things that happen in my life. Radical acceptance is a wonderful gift! I have many struggles and a few obstacles but my life is never without joy and accomplishment. For this I am thankful and I can see God thinking peace and hope for me. No matter what is happening in your life, I hope you can hear this lovely piece of wisdom that is a promise to those who love God.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Self-Care is Important

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 19, 2021 | Cancer, Life

Today is a good day! But last night was terrible …you would think I would read ingredients on a new food…but I didn’t so I have been tired and in more pain all day. I decided today was a good day to rest from my workout because self-care is important and rest is good self care.

I did put together grocery lists for today and Christmas Eve. I also showed Karen my new favorite treat: open faced, toasted caramelized onion sandwiches…she was super impressed. I also finally got all the squares crocheted for Kaison’s blanket. Now I am done for the day.

I used to get projects done so much faster. I was lamenting this and then I realized that I also used to never exercise and I ate a lot of processed foods. Wellness takes time. Yes, arthritis in my hands, ribs and shoulders is not fun, but in reality the real reason this project is taking longer is that I am putting my health first. I rest more because my body is fighting cancer and she also has chronic pain. I cook most of our food from scratch to avoid my sensitivities and get as many nutrients in our diet…healthy veins and connective tissue are built by vegetables…bones and muscles are not the only parts of our bodies we should consider. Exercising most days means I spend an hour or more moving on purpose, which is very different from working and living.

The other day my sister, Jamie, sent this message to me:

I responded that our well-being should always be paramount. Society lies to us, in the most co-dependent way, by telling us to give until it hurts. But Jesus never said that. He told us to come to Him when we are tired and He will give us rest. He also said to give freely…but freely implies we have abundance to give from. Jesus knows we get tired and when we are tired we can’t give freely. If we are dragging around a tired heart, mind and body we are probably not going to give our best. I think Jesus invented boundaries…

I didn’t clean today and I am ok with that too. The dirt will be there tomorrow after I have rested.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Another Great Day

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 14, 2021 | Cancer, Life

Today was a great day! I needed this. The last week has been a struggle. Especially Saturday, Sunday and Monday. My body has recovered from my procedure well but as my body gets used to balancing hormones it has been hard. I had my post op appointment today and the NP I spoke with told me to pay attention to when that happens and how frequently. I may need to talk to my psychiatrist if the big swings keep happening. We may need to adjust my mood stabilizers.

I thought I had gained my weight back because I have not been able to exercise and my seatbelt is tighter but I found I lost another 5 lbs. The NP said I could still have gas used during the surgery trapped in my body and even have some swelling that is normal. I am down 25 lbs since September and down 45 lbs from my top weight. I am shocked and relieved that my body is doing so well.

When we were done at Legacy we went to Jamie’s place. It was great to see her! We had a delicious meal: roasted sweet potatoes with pesto, grits, uncured bacon and fried cage free eggs. Yum! We also watched Clifford the Big Red Dog. I have not laughed or watched Karen laugh so much in a long time. This visit was really needed…. and I highly recommend this movie!

Jamie gifted me with a new mug. She has a matching one. We will pray for each other when we use them…I was really wanting a new mug. Jamie always knows how to touch my heart!

I know God is good and faithful all the time, even when I cannot see it. This is a beautiful promise I can fall back on when I am super tired. I will need this because I found out I will have to have a D & C every 3 months until no cancer is found and then every 6 months for at least 2 times after that. The bills are starting to come in and I am so thankful for insurance but I am a little overwhelmed with the the thought of how long it will take me to pay my part, especially since I will continue to need these small surgeries. I am thankful that all my doctors take payments and I may be eligible for grants for the big stuff… I will keep reminding myself that God is good, faithful and gracious all the time.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

3 Days Post Surgery…

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 4, 2021 | Cancer, Life

It has been 3 days post surgery. I am getting around fine, but I know I can’t do what I was able to do before my surgery and that is hard on me. It is amazing how you can work hard to create a healthy habit, like working out every day and then something happens and you have to take a break…and you feel a little lost.

Wednesday was quite the day. I did my workout and took my second antibacterial shower…that soap has been long thrown away…We made it to Good Sam in Portland in good time, considering a semi truck rolled in the area along the way. That truck was pretty badly torn up. I hope the driver is ok.

Waiting…I am ok with it but sometimes I get impatient. I spent a lot of time in a waiting room and then more in the room where they get your prepped for surgery…3.5 hours to be exact. No music. No TV. Hardly room between patients. Not fun. My phone is on its last leg so I couldn’t use it, in case I had to actually make a call so I was on my own. I admired the cleaning woman that worked very hard. The whole time I was in there, she was scrubbing or mopping or moving furniture. She looked to be maybe a little older than Karen. I was impressed.

My nurses were great. I was surprised how many of them thanked me for getting my COVID-19 test before the surgery…I guess people just don’t do it and they have to have the test done prior to surgery and slow things down…That is so impractical…I didn’t even notice the IV until she had already taken 3 vials of blood. My doctor finally showed up to let me know that the woman before me took longer than expected. That helped me get over my boredom. I hope she is ok too. Everyone seemed surprised when I told them that Karen was probably in the parking garage, although Good Sam is in a great area with shops and restaurants, I knew Karen would not leave. She had even been invited over to Jamie‘s but, still I knew she would not leave…and she never did…

I was told by the anesthesiologist that he would just use the same IV they were giving my fluids through so they wouldn’t need to use a breathing tube. I liked that idea. His nurse was great too. As I was falling asleep she was asking me about what I wanted for Christmas: the bills paid and larger place to live…

I awoke in a stressful situation. The recovery room was filled with people, very close together. The ceiling was covered in rails for the many curtains and I was crying. At first I didn’t realize it was me crying, but I kept hearing people say: Who is Karen?

That part is normal for me. I have been under anesthesia before and woke up in an anxiety attack, crying for Karen…but that time COVID-19 was not a barrier and Karen was quickly summoned. I am pretty sure anyone in ear shot, knew that Karen was super important to me and that I loved her…because that is what I kept saying. I wasn’t totally aware, but I knew enough to not ask about Jamie and Xavier…they were also on my mind. Eventually my personal nurse, told me, it was his job to get me well enough to get me to Karen. He was the one that kept telling people Karen was my wife…He was a very nice man. His words helped me focus. He coached me on deep breathing, because you can’t do deep breathing and stay in an anxiety attack and that would be helpful to everyone.

When they moved me to the next recovery room, they didn’t talk to me much but I heard the nurse tell other people, they couldn’t leave until they could urinate. That became my new goal…I couldn’t get the hand rail down on my bed, and that was the only thing that kept me confined. As soon as the nurse in this department came by I was asking to use the bathroom. After I finished with that, I refused to get back on the bed and was dressed in a very impressive amount of time…Scott my first recovery nurse had given me both an injection and pills before I left him, so I was feeling no pain and with my cane in hand, I am used to overcome dizziness.

The new nurse asked if I could at least wait for her to call Karen and get my after surgery instructions. Lucky for all of them, that didn’t seem to be too much to ask for and a nurse came with a wheel chair very quickly, because I was prepared to walk out on my own the minute she handed me my discharge papers. I was dizzy and a bit dingy but I was determined to get to Karen. When Karen saw me she jumped out of the car to help me into the car, but I just wanted to hug her. I heard people in the background awing…so it must have seemed sweet to them…It just felt natural to me.

…and then we came home. Xavier was glad to see us. He was a little put out that I was too tired to brush him and give his coconut oil to him, our nightly routine, but he could tell I was sick. He had been so sweet to me for a few days. He knew something was up.

My throat hurt so bad. I didn’t understand this. The next day a nurse called to check on me and I told her that my throat was very sore and raw and I had a terrible bruise on my left shoulder; I thought maybe they had a hard time moving me, or something. She explained that if after being given the regular amount of anesthesia, if I kept moving, they would have put a breathing tube in so they could sedate me more. She also said they filled my body with gas to create more room to work and that gas often follows nerves, which is probably why I had a swollen and bruised spot on my shoulder. I had told Jamie about my throat and she was sure they had given me a breathing tube, even if that wasn’t in the original plan…with my nervous energy…the description of what probably happened, sounded reasonable.

I have been sleeping a lot. I decided to not fill the prescription of oxy. I know if I do that I will push myself too hard and maybe hurt myself. My body has been through enough I am tired of giving access to my body to others, so I need to be careful…and if you know me, limits are not something I enjoy…this is a trial too.

We had a friend that sent us some money for food. I had made a huge pot of soup, but it was such a treat to take advantage of pasta night at Mary’s Bar and Grill. Yum! I am glad I made the soup, it has been nice to just heat it up and eat. I am really not feeling a lot of hunger yet, but I have to eat with several of my pills so I know I need to eat something when it is time to take those pills.

I am hoping I feel better enough to don my compression pants and take a short walk tomorrow. I am getting antsy. Without my methotrexate, I am having more pain, but luckily I can have my tincture again, so sleeping at night is easier.

We found out I lost another 5 lbs before my surgery, so that is a positive thing and another reason to not let my good habit wain for too long. I never did see my doctor before I left. Maybe I was too impatient…or maybe she doesn’t see patients after surgery…I don’t know…but I will see her on the 14th and I am sure she will give a recap of what happened and the next steps.

I am not looking forward to seeing her again…but we did make plans to visit Jamie afterwards so we could all watch Clifford the Big Red Dog…that sounds fun.

Here is to another great day!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Doing the Work Anyway

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 20, 2021 | Cancer, Life

Today has been a wonderful day. It started sad but eventually turned to glad. I had a very stressful dream that left me very sad. I couldn’t shake it. My brain wanted to dissociate, which is a normal trauma response for me, so it was hard to make different choices but I am committed to my wellness and I had to keep my appointment for my flu shot in case it knocked me down for a few days (sometimes that happens). I have several appointments on Tuesday…

My workout was emotionally hard. Not only did my body hurt but my heart and mind hurt and I had to choose to do every single rep and set of movements. When I was done I still was in pain and the sadness was trying to drag me to depression but I chose to do my devotional. I had a nice time in the word. I was reminded the God thinks of us with peace and with the purpose of giving us a future and hope. It helped a little.

I was chatting with Jamie Holloway and told her my struggle. She congratulated me on actively choosing to stay on task with movement and time with Jesus. That was nice to hear. She always says what I need to hear. I told her I was still blue but I hoped that when Karen got home she would cheer me up, like she always does. Jamie said she was glad I had Karen because she is the perfect spouse for me.

When Karen got home from work, I told her my struggle because when I am in that mood I sometimes say things wrong and I didn’t want her to take it personally. She appreciates the warning. As we headed towards our pharmacy it was so nice to listen and talk with her. She has been working so much. I think I missed her. When I see her she is usually getting ready to leave or heading to bed.

We have talked about changing pharmacies because it would be so convenient to have Karen be able to grab meds at the Safeway where she works but in reality, we love the service at the Walmart pharmacy on Ocean Beach. I am sure the Safeway pharmacy is great but we have a relationship with our pharmacy. As I waited for my flu shot the technician asked me if I was ready and I didn’t respond as positively as usual. She asked me why and I apologized and told her I was diagnosed with cancer a couple months ago and I am just sick of the process. I also had needed to look at my options for health insurance and I was surprised at how many companies don’t cover my meds. I told her we would have to stay with a more expensive plan because some coverage is better than no coverage and Fluvoxamine and cancer meds are expensive. She looked genuinely concerned, asked me about my treatment plan and said she would pray for me. It felt nice to have that connection.

After my shot, we walked around for about 45 minutes. That was good cardio. We ran into an old friend and then we started towards home where we had a late lunch and took a nap. It was great! Tonight we will watch a movie or two and relax. I love spending time with Karen. I just enjoy her so much!

Thank you for your prayers for Jamie. She is doing well after her surgery and should be able to go home on Monday.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Being Human

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 11, 2021 | Cancer, Life

Today was a big day with lots of emotions. I couldn’t sleep last night so on less than 4 hrs of sleep I did my workout and found myself at PeaceHealth Imaging for the first CT scan of my life. It went well and quickly.

When we were pulling out of the parking garage, my oncologist called. She was finally able to view my MRI and found that my lymph nodes are clear and the cancer in my uterus is minuscule. She has decided that we will not do the hysterectomy but a D&C and insert an IUD which along with the cancer meds I take may resolve my condition. She will use the CT Scan to verify my MRI.

I have found myself very angry at both gynecologists I have seen in the last few months because when I asked them about the chance that I may have PCOS they would not listen to me. My oncologist who specializes in gynecology keeps pushing weight loss surgery. She acts as though this procedure will give me a new lease on life, but I don’t agree and she ignores me when I try to explain myself. I do understand that my weight makes surgery more dangerous and although losing weight may help some of my conditions, which are under control, less of an issue, it won’t lessen my pain. I know this because my joints don’t bother me nearly as much as the pain in my nerves and connective tissues which is not going to change other than progress as these conditions do.

All my life, I was told that because I was fat, I would not marry or date, I would not be hired for the jobs I wanted and I would die young. Even my desire to dance was not fostered because I was too fat. It has taken me years to not hate this body. I am still dealing with emotional pain as the memories come back while my brain heals from trauma. I believe that weight loss surgery has benefited many people, but I also know it is not perfect and I don’t believe I would be successful with the procedure for several valid reasons. The fact that I have tried to advocate for myself and been ignored makes me feel like a child again.

I feel like this doctor must get kickbacks for pushing this option on people. I am sure she wants to see me succeed but I don’t want to be ignored when we are talking about my body.

I am not upset about the change. Who wants to have body parts removed? The surgery is invasive and we don’t know how my body will react to the stress. Another plus is that the IUD will balance my hormones and may be what helps me lose weight slowly and more naturally. I do workout almost every day and have been walking a lot more, I already eat mindfully and drink lots of water. I mentioned that to this doctor and she ignored me.

I have decided to not be pushed back about this. She wants to refer me to a specialist in weight loss surgery but I am not going to jump to do that. I have read quite a bit about weight loss surgery and even went to an orientation with my friend. My wife is a personal trainer and has heard many horror stories, along with success stories, but I don’t want to set myself up for failure. Since the IUD may be what I need to help my body work better, I will not consider changing my mind until we see what having the IUD will do for me.

I have been chewing on this all day and I have to say I am proud of myself. I did my workout, took 2 walks and got a nap in. Over the last two days I have worked with three patterns for a blanket for my great nephew, who should be here in February. I have ripped out my attempts so many times but I have finally found a design that inspires me. I have not crocheted in over a year but it is nice to have yarn in my hands. My new bamboo crochet hooks are wonderful too! Karen had the day off and it was nice to veg out with Christmas movies on the Hallmark channel and be able to spend time together.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.