Without Hurting You

I don’t know everything I want right now
that is outside the norm
without hurting you

~

I know the truth is too much
it always has been
my anger and depression
has always had a cause
because I don’t like being set aside

~

I didn’t answer the phone when you called
because I wasn’t ready to talk
I didn’t invite you over
but you marched up to my door
and Karen let you in

~

I didn’t hug you back
I didn’t say I love you
because I wasn’t ready to pretend I was ok

~

The pleading in your eyes
The fear in your voice
Tell me you need me to keep up the facade
I know how to stand strong and look good
while on the inside I am falling apart

~

The holidays are coming
and we had nice ones last year
Make sure to finesse the situation
with tradition and expectation
while I am changing therapists and insurance plans

~

While I am planning chemotherapy
and considering losing my hair
I am scared
and i am choosing who will speak for me when I can not

~

You call and beg for a place at the table
but I can’t take care of you
You act like because you can buy me things that you are helping

~

But you are asking me to carry a lot
You like to listen to me talk about other people
but you can’t bear that I might be talking about you
You have said you are sorry
but you have never repented

~

If you were listening
You would know that’s what I need
but then you might not be the hero
But actually, you would be
Because repenting means you would try to stop

~

I know I want too much
I know you can’t give me what I need
You can’t see me as an adult

~

You can’t see me as separate from you
You can’t not manipulate situations to your satisfaction
Regardless, I do love you

~

You have to give me time
It has to be about me this time

~