I had a friend that I considered more like family dump me over the weekend. it wasn’t the first time. They do this every 7 years or so, whenever I feel brave enough to ask for growth in our relationship. We have known each other for more years than we haven’t and gone through a lot together. I love them a lot.
I think that is why I tend to be the one that makes contact again after being dumped. I wait until I miss them and can’t stand it anymore. We stay casual and then fall into old habits. Eventually I feel like I am giving more and I say something and I get dumped.
The last time we reconnected, they actually contacted me on my birthday which made me cry because I was confused. I don’t remember what they did to disconnect from me that time, but I know it was painful because it took them a lot to get me to decide to give them another chance.
This has been the longest time we have stayed connected. Maybe it is because this time we are both married and live in different states, maybe it is because we are both being faithful to our mental health and we have healed a lot, but for whatever reason it has been nice.
Recently they came home for a visit and it was wonderful to see them! There was a peace in them I have never seen. I reveled in the healing they have found. I enjoyed the peace in myself too. Although we don’t agree on politics we could talk about other things and most conversations were fun and I thought everything was great. But then it wasn’t.
There was an issue that they brought up that I could not ignore. Not that I wanted to beat them up about it but I needed to be heard. I just needed them to know they hurt me. It was a short conversation. I told them how I felt. I told them how I wished they would have responded. Then I was done.
They got defensive.
I had hoped we could be grown ups. I mean we are almost 50 years old…
As the days went on. We had light conversations. Everything seemed fine but I knew they were going to dump me again. It probably showed in my last two blogs.
I have to remember what they said this time: I don’t want to know you.
Whether or not they meant to be abusive, which I am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt on because I know they have been through a lot in their life. I have to remember this because I have come to a place in my life where I no longer crave being rejected. Emotional neglect survivors at some level get used to this dynamic and create it in their lives and I don’t want to do this anymore.
I have prayed a lot for this person this weekend. I will continue to do so as they are on my heart, because that is what I do for people that are not in my life. Love doesn’t just die but relationships do. I will always love this person but I won’t let myself be rejected by them again.
So goodbye. I forgot to say that…
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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Yesterday was a big day for emotions. Many people happy and many people afraid or angry about the Supreme Court’s decision to revoke Roe v Wade. I consider myself a concerned citizen for people who live in states that do not leave room for humanity in a legal aspect but what got me thinking was a poll someone put up in a group I didn’t add myself to. I don’t even remember the question because it was so ignorant and one sided and I surely didn’t respond to it…but it did get me thinking. This is not a yes or no question. It is lots of aspects question, so many that one article wouldn’t be enough. But I am going to share a few questions I started thinking about because of that question, that I can’t remember besides What Have We Done?…
When people don’t have the right to make the medical decisions that they feel they need to make, for their personal reasons and a child is born that they don’t want what happens? They are stuck with a child they don’t want. Now the beautiful thing about God is that most of the time the hormones He created to be running through a mother’s veins during the birthing process cause them to fall in love with their baby and the rest is a story of hard word and love but sometimes it isn’t.
According to the Children’s Bureau at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Administration for Children and Families (ACF) there were 407,000 children in foster care in The United State of America at the end of 2020. 117,000 of those children were waiting to be adopted as their parents had lost all legal rights to their children. These numbers were down from the previous year, with no clear reason, but still large.
In more recent numbers, according to iFoster, a nonprofit that helps assist in making sure that foster children have what they need to thrive while growing up in foster care, there are approximately 424,00 children in foster care nationwide. The number of children in foster care changes constantly and there are no two months or years that are the same.
The median age of children in foster care is 6 1/2 years old which has a huge impact on their cognitive and emotional development. Each year 20,000 young people age out of a system that is hugely underfunded. They often have not finished high school and have no chance at going to college. Within 4 years of aging out of the system, and no support system these young people often end up on government assistance or homeless.
Before we can answer this questions we have to address what abuse is. There are 4 main types of abuse and neglect:
At least 1 in 7 children have experienced abuse or neglect in the last year in the United States. Since most cases are not reported, this number is probably larger.
In 2020 there were 618,399 reported cases of child abuse and neglect in the US.
In 2019 there were 4.4 million referrals involving alleged maltreatment of children to CPS agencies.
2/3 of all reports of alleged child abuse cases are by educational personnel, law enforcement and legal personnel, medical staff, social services, foster parents and daycare providers. Most other reports of child abuse come from friends, neighbors, relatives and anonymous reporters.
Children that have experienced abuse may have the immediate cuts, bruises and broken bones but they may also have emotional, psychological and cognitive difficulties throughout their life as well. As adults they may experience being a victim or perpetrator, substance abuse, STIs and difficulties finding employment.
In 2019, 29 states reported 877 unique cases of sex trafficking. Of these children, 88.5% were girls and 76.2% of all children were aged 14-17, some of these children were infants.
In 2019 38,625 infants in 47 states were referred to CPS as infants with prenatal substance exposure.
In 2020, 1,750 children died of abuse and neglect in the United States of America.
In 2019, 1,840 children died due to abuse and neglect.
So unwanted children have it pretty hard. I have heard the same people who say abortion is evil complain about people on government assistance when the two are partners for a reason. Unwanted children grow up and tend to be adults that are unable to support themselves and have chronic conditions we as a society must continue to support, and the cycle continues.
The next thing I was concerned about is that clinics that offer abortions probably offer other services that are very important. in more rural areas, I am sure that these clinics are a God-send. But as funding is cut off to many clinics they will be closed down, making it harder for people to get the medical help they need.
Besides abortion services the following services may be offered at clinics:
I know I could have gone deeper with my research. I know there is more information to know and to share. I just couldn’t keep going. These things make me sad and angry. I feel lucky that in Washington state we don’t have to worry about these things but I feel bad for people in states that aren’t honest about humanity. Texas is against abortion but they are the state with the highest rate of child abuse too. Over half of the states that are highest for sex trafficking also have laws against women’s rights to make medical decisions about their bodies.
In the end of all my reading I was most surprised by one thing…can you guess who the largest perpetrator of child abuse is? It is white mothers. The stats show that twice as many reported cases of child abuse are of white parents over black parents. Yet the media often portrays the bad guy with a black face. But that is a different blog…
I am going to keep praying. I hope you will too.
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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I was told by someone I have known most of my life that they don’t read my writing because our opinions are so far from each other that they feel if we had just met we wouldn’t choose to be friends now. I agree with them but that doesn’t stop me from loving them. That doesn’t stop me from mourning what I would hope for most, a relationship that was mature and equal.
I am in mourning. I had so hoped we could be honest with each other at some point in our relationship; or rather I could be honest with them. As it is a censor myself a lot, partially because we when talk they dump their life on me, I listen captivated, offer support, prayers, affirm their hard work and compliment their growth. When I have hurt their feelings, I apologize. I try to change my behavior. What I am surprised by is that with all their talking, they haven’t shared their “personal opinions” with me so I can know what I shouldn’t talk about when I do get a chance to talk. When it is my turn, I am interrupted by their busy life, their spouse and in-laws. Many times they just have to go and I sit there out of breath because I am exhausted.
I am writing this because I have been thinking about this for a long time. I want to be the same Summer all the time and it pains me that I have to censor myself with this person. I don’t get apologies or complements or affirmations from them. They don’t ask me why I think about things the way I do. I don’t believe that most of my opinions are the end all. I know I have a few trigger responses but most of my thoughts could at least be altered by a well-thought response. Not because I am wishy washy but because I understand there are truths that are truth for different people and my truth is not your truth.
Take for instance abortion. I am concerned that Roe v Wade was overturned by the Supreme Court. When I post messages in support of a woman’s right to choose it isn’t because I am for abortion, it is because I am supportive of a woman’s right to make decisions about her life. I am pro life and I believe that life doesn’t end at birth. God doesn’t create babies He doesn’t want. I believe this and I also know He knows the fate of all His children. He is with each of us at every stage of our life and He has grace for every moment. When people hear abortion they don’t always consider all of the reasons why a woman might consider an abortion. But God does. He knows and His grace is big enough for our humanity. He knows that some babies are dead before they are born. He knows that some women will die and maybe the baby too if that child is born. He knows the child that was conceived by a violent rape and the mother wants to die every time the child moves. He knows that if women don’t have safe options they will choose unsafe options and now we have two deaths. I am thankful that Washington state has laws that allow women to make human decisions because God gave us freedom of choice and He respects our choices. We don’t have to judge people for their choices. God will do that. He has that under control. Life is hard enough on this earth. Other states are not as thoughtful about humanity. That is my concern for those people. I pray that God creates ways for their humanity to be honored in their states too.
I am glad we live in a state that has strict background checks for guns. I have never owned a gun so I don’t understand the need for one, yet I respect people that do. I do believe that people that don’t register their guns should have consequences. I believe they should have some serious community service time if they are caught with an unlicensed gun, that has not been proven to be used in a violent crime. Three times and they should serve time. Why? Because if you are not careful with your weapon it could get in the wrong hands and then we have a problem. At least if you are forced to serve your community, you might learn understand caring for your community. However, if you can care for your guns so well and store them so safely that no one ever finds a reason to serve you with community service hours, you deserve to keep your guns and your free time. Why do I think licensing is important? Because it holds people accountable that may not be able to be responsible with a tool that requires much responsibility.
Why do I think we need to remove guns meant for war from households that can’t be responsible for them? Because people are dying for going to school and work and the grocery store by the hands of people that are not mentally able to handle the responsibility of these tools. I don’t think the general public needs to have access to these guns. If you want to have access to these guns I think you should be required join the military and receive the training and be willing to lay your life down for our country. If you are not that generous, you don’t deserve the right hold that kind of gun. I bet once you have been to war, you will think less of wanting one of those guns because you will better understand the actual weight of that gun. Those are the type of people I want to be able to bear those guns. But I believe the same way about guns of war as hand guns and hunting rifles. If you can care for them and secure them so well that they are never a problem and no one feels the need to take them from you, you should be able to keep them because you must be able to handle the massive responsibility of these tools.
I am just a person that wants to be better every day. I am a thinking person. My sister, Jamie Holloway, says I am a deep thinker, more deep than most. Maybe that is my problem. Most people don’t think as much as I do. I don’t care for superficial or silly. Comedies and cartoons are lost on me. I sometimes wish I could be lighthearted, but I am not wired that way which is why Karen has to find other friends to watch comedies with. Because I want to be better every day I appreciate when people say they don’t agree and why. I think they care enough about me to help me see another viewpoint, even if I can’t come to their side, I know it takes courage to tell someone you don’t agree with them.
But I also don’t like to be judged and I think I feel that I have been judged by this friend. Although Trump is a trigger topic for me, which I talk to God about a lot because I know I need to be healed. I am very confused about the Republican party, because many Republicans went against their own policies and beliefs to support Trump. I am not anti-republican and I am not a Democrat. I believe that in the pure sense of both parties, both have merit and both have room to grow. I wish The United States could support several political parties because I feel like we are not being honest enough with only two. In reality there are Republicans that are very far to the right and some that are more in the middle and Democrats that are very far to the left and some that are more in the middle. The ones that are farthest to the right or the left are scary to me because I don’t think they can hear anyone but themselves and then we have no communication. In reality, it is in my opinion that we could use 1-3 more parties to choose from but it seems like when we try to add those the voters don’t support new parties. Too bad; it would be nice if we could be more honest.
Honesty is where the freedom really lies. That is where I want to be. My friend was fine with whatever I wanted to do. They were fine with the way things were, but fine if I wanted to call it quits. I hate complacency but I also love this person and I know that in the past when I have dumped people, I miss them and I know I will come to a day that I will want to know how they are doing. Right now I am waiting. I really don’t know how to give them what they want. They said they were more happy with the “idea” of a friendship than an actual friendship. So I am waiting. I think they should know me well enough to know I wouldn’t know how to process that. Maybe they really don’t know me that well, but I am too old to just dump someone that I love. When it comes down to it, that is the part that feels the most honest to me. I love them so I give them room to be themselves. Even if they can’t do that for me, maybe I will just wait and see if they can make room for me later.
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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
We Are Not Like Them is a novel written by Christine Pride and Jo Piazza. Like the writers, the main characters are women, one black and one white. Riley and Jenny have been friends since they were little girls. Jenny’s single mom was a free spirit who often enjoyed leaving Jenny with Riley’s family while she went on adventures. She knew they were good people and Jenny felt like she was part of their family, even though her skin was white and her hair was smooth and blonde.
The story begins as they are adults well beyond those more simple times. Riley is a news broadcaster and Jen is the wife of a police officer that has just shot a 14-year-old black boy. Jen’s husband, Kevin, is not a bad man or a bad cop, but in a split second, his training to support this partner has led him to a transitional moment that is causing their whole world to shake.
There are many things about racism and prejudice that can’t be put into words but you can feel them if you listen. I felt it in this book and I have felt it while walking beside my wife for the last 8 years. We can hear some of those things in a poem from chapter 7, in the book, that was shared at the funeral of Justin, by Justin, the boy killed at the beginning of the book:
What do you see when you see me?
Have you made up your mind about who I can be?
You could get to know me if you tried
You could see what I’m like inside
I am made of blood, bones, and muscles too.
So how can you say I am less than you?
I have so many dreams, even at my age.
Let me be free, don’t put me in a cage.
Watch what I can do.
In the book, Riley gets the chance to cover some of the story and interview the grieving mother. As great as this is for her career it really stretches her relationship with Jen as they are forced to look at issues they have never talked about before. Will their love and history be enough to carry them through this time?
“When I think of Kevin pulling that trigger…” She stops and shakes her head. “But I also believe that he gets a chance to explain himself, Jenny too. But things have always happened in the world, especially to our folks, but we can’t shut down every time they do. No choice but to keep pushing forward. It’s the same for you and Jenny — you gotta talk to see where you go from here.” Sandra Wilson, Riley’s mother, chapter 9.
I got this book from my sister, Jamie Holloway, you can read her review at JamieChasesButterflies.com.
We Are Not Like Them has come to me at a time when I am trying to come to peace with things I haven’t put words to in my life, but need to, like racism which I never had to worry about when I was a single white woman. I am well aware of prejudice as a woman with mental and physical chronic illness who is poor, fat and queer but I couldn’t understand my wife’s poor luck until I came to terms with the fact that racism is real but not something she wastes time worrying about. I admire Karen G Clemenson for that. Her strength is so much like Riley’s mother. Karen never lets anything keep her down. She takes the loss and keeps moving forward. So that is what we do.
…with that said, I think you should read this book. Your viewpoint will be totally different than mine and I would love to hear what you think!
Buy your own copy of We Are Not Like Them by Christine Pride and Jo Piazza on Amazon…
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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
“I learned a strange thing — that in a jumble of unintelligible talk the word “nigger” leaps out with electric clarity. You always hear it and always it stings. And always it casts the person using it into a category of brute, ignorance.” John Howard Griffin, Black Like Me, November 8 excerpt
I recently re-read this powerful book entitled Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin. I remember reading it in high school, back in the early 90’s but really all I remembered was that he was a white man, a journalist, and he had chemically darkened his skin with the help of a dermatologist in order to experience the life of a black man. Every other detail was brand new to me and I have to say reading this book has shaken me to my very core as a white woman, as a United States citizen and as a spouse to a mulatto woman, born in 1965, in North Carolina.
“Walking along Dryades, through the ghetto, I realized that every informed man with whom I had spoken, in the intimate freedom of colored bond, had acknowledged a double problem for the Negro. First, the discrimination against him. Second, and almost more grievous, his discrimination against himself; his contempt for the blackness that he associates with his suffering; his willingness to sabotage his fellow Negroes because they are part of the blackness he has found so painful.” John Howard Griffin, Black Like Me, November 10-12 excerpt
Just as the SS encouraged other Jewish prisoners to abuse and take ownership over other Jewish prisoners during the Holocaust, some white people encouraged black people to abuse each other and most of the rest of the white people stood by and let it happen. I have often read about black culture, slave culture. I know it was common for slaves to abuse their children bitterly because they felt it was better that they beat their children then the master do it. In many families this is still in place, this post slavery trauma response that hasn’t been altered by time because of lots of reasons, all individual to each family. And not just because of lack of education or change in some black families but the lack of education and change in some white families; the existence of white supremacy that is so accepted that we don’t realize it is there.
In his November 14 excerpt, Griffin travels to Mississippi, against the advice of his new friends who have been very helpful to his change over to his new life. Recently the FBI had delivered evidence that proved a black man had been kidnapped and lynched in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, yet the Pearl River County Grand Jury failed to return any indictments or even consider the provided information.
Although Griffin found it relatively pleasant in New Orleans, at the train/bus station, his experience was one of pure hatred. The woman who sold his ticket to him, almost would not. She gave him the “hate stare” and when she did finally change his $10 bill, she threw his change and ticket at him, instead of handing it to him or placing it on the counter. Although the depot was large and empty, except for a porter and one white man, that man also gave him the “hate stare” making it obvious he was not welcome. The porter, who was black, showed him to the crowded, COLORED CAFE located behind the depot.
While traveling into Mississippi the black people seemed to become more caring, as if they were a buffer for the hatred from the white folks, this was a common occurrence everywhere Griffin went. When the bus would stop, the driver would allow the white people off but not the black people for bathroom breaks. Griffen noted that farm animals are given more grace. As they came closer to Hattiesburg, a woman was happy to warn Griffen to never look at a white woman, “look at the ground or to the side.” He wasn’t even to look at a picture of a woman at the movie theater or in a magazine.
Another black man advised him of a safe place to stay and offered to check in with him in the morning. Griffen was impressed by his kindness but he was scared. He was intimidated by the white boys driving by and yelling at him and other people on the street. The squalor of the room, the fear he felt, it was so great that he felt he couldn’t even write a letter to his white wife and this led him to reach out to a journalist friend that lived in the area that he thought might take him in.
The journalist was glad to have him. His viewpoint in his writings left he and his family isolated and he enjoyed having Griffen help him with his writing, but Griffen could not rest there, and he couldn’t do what he set out to do there. Before his friend brought him back to New Orleans, they visited Dillard University (November 16). As kind as his friend was to him, he was different around “real” black people: “Did you ever see such a damn beautiful campus for a bunch of niggers? They’re getting uppityer and uppiter.” This viewpoint was shockingly different from the abolitionist and advocate he portrayed in his work and personal life, working for equal voting rights.
This way of making an exception for a black person you know but not the entire race is another way that prejudice can hide in plain sight and I think it still thrives today. I believe fear comes in all colors and if we aren’t willing to look at it and call it what it is, we will never become enlightened.We will remain afraid, small and unable to change.
“The whites frequently walk into colored restrooms, Scotch-tape these notices to the wall. This man offered his services free to any Negro woman over 20, offered to pay, on an ascending scale, from $2 for a nineteen-year-old girl, up to $7.50 for a fourteen-year-old and more for perversion dates. He gave a contact point for later in the evening and urged any Negro man who wanted to earn $5 for himself to find him a date within this price category…To the Negro who sees the element of the white man’s nature — and he sees it much more often than any other — the white man’s comments about the Negro’s alleged “immorality” rings maidenly hollow.” John Howard Griffin, Black Like Me, November 16 excerpt
Believe it or not, this is not the most deplorable example of degrading actions that white men portrayed against black men and women, yet it explains how a black women could feel she is only worthy as a sex object and how men are supposed to use and abuse that part of her, instead of honoring and respecting her. I know that so many people have grown beyond this. I do know that 1960 happened 62 years ago and I see a lot of growth that I am thankful for but I also see where we haven’t changed too. Areas were poverty and crime prevail women and men still violate and dishonor each other every day. It is like the self-hatred has been passed down through generations and gotten stronger.
As Griffen traveled through the South, he often hitchhiked. This was common during this time and he was most often picked up by white men who wanted to fill their sexual deviant minds with questions they thought were acceptable to ask this man because he was black or COLORED as was the term used at the time. One young college man was surprised that Griffen could tell him that black people were parents just like white people and they wanted their children to grow up healthy and remain virgins as long as possible just like white parents. It impressed him, but not enough to stop him from asking Griffen to show himself to him. Another man became violent and threatened to kill him when Griffen would not answer his vile questions.
Money was another way that black people were controlled. Gas taxes paid by all were used to maintain beaches black people were not allowed to use. Stores would offer credit to black families, yet it seemed like fees were always added so that they could never be paid off so the families were always so poor they could barely afford to improve their homes or clothe their children.
One man that picked up Griffen, brought him home with him, he was positive that there was nowhere safe for him to stay for the night. He let him know that he only had 2 bedrooms and 6 children but he could have the floor and it was clean. Griffen had bought a loaf of bread and a few candy bars before he was picked up. When they reached the man’s home Griffen met the man’s wife and children. She was happy to meet him and happy all her children were healthy, she mentioned that many families had children that were blind or maimed in some way, Her husband was a little embarrassed in his meager home and plain dinner of beans with no meat but Griffen praised his beautiful and obviously healthy children until the father beamed. He offered the bread and they enjoyed a feast. They sliced up the candy bars for dessert and were thankful. This experience really made Griffen appreciate how hard this man worked for his family.
Within a week Griffen could no longer handle being black all the time and stopped taking the medication that was keeping him dark. He applied a dye to his skin when he was prepared to enter society as a black man that would wash off when he had had enough. So much of society was shut off to him as a black man. He spent most of his time walking, worrying about what bench or park he could sit in, what bathroom he could use, what fountain he could drink from, if there was a colored cafe nearby where he could get a bite to eat. All of these things were few and far between. In more religious areas, whites were sometimes more gentle but there was always a line that Griffen had to be aware of in order to keep the peace. There were no jobs he could have. They were either taken or being weeded out by communities that were purposely making it impossible for black people to survive there before the equality laws were passed. White men said these things to him like they were telling him the prices of a bushel of apples.
When Griffen returned home, he was overjoyed to see his wife and 3 children but even his publisher offered him an out. He did not have to publish anything about his adventure. But Griffen was committed to sharing what he had learned. With that came what he was expecting. Hatred. Threats. Quiet gratitude. In the end his family and his parents had to move from their Texas home to New Mexico to be free from the violent calls and threats but Griffen remained faithful to his truth and he had gained respect from many people of all colors.
In no way have I shared the entire story. I think you should read this book. I think you will absorb it differently than I did. I am very glad I walked into Storyboard Delights on Karen’s arm last month and found it on the used book shelf. This book has helped me understand a few things about my wife, things that I always loved but made me really respect her even more for, about the way she responds to people. Her humility and servant attitude are skin deep and I know that some of it is learned behavior from being a mixed girl child of the south. Not just black, not just white, not just Native American…with those freckles and too much pride. I know she has lived through trauma and when she is too tired to hide it, I meet a girl that has been hurt. I have a friend that moved to Arkansas and she often tells me I should move there and how much I would love it. I don’t think I would, but more importantly, and I finally told her this: my wife is a mulatto female that worked really hard to leave the south, and although I would like to visit, I don’t ever see us moving there. I think she finally understood.
I live in a town that is 87% white. In Longview, Washington 10% of the population is mixed and all other races are less than 2%. I have been thinking about this for a few days. Actually I have been thinking about this off and on for quite some time because my wife has eluded to it a couple times. I have come to the conclusion that there are lots of reasons people of color would move here. I am glad they did. When I was growing up here, I bet Longview was more like 97% white and I enjoy seeing the diversity. I like seeing change. I made a comment that I don’t care what color a person is, but it is more than that. it isn’t that I don’t care about a person’s color, because what I care about is the person’s heart. I love to learn about their culture, beliefs and who they are. I do think dark skin is more beautiful than white skin but my wife says that is just a preference…I think she is correct.
Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin showed me that there were many types of people: hateful people, enlightened people, and complacent people and they come in all colors. I don’t care what color you are, what I really care about is how open you are to becoming enlightened; letting go of fear and embracing love, peace and freedom. I am not perfect. I can say I probably have a mix of all three characteristics in me, but I hope I am more enlightened than I used to be. I do know that next time someone asks me if I am prejudiced, instead of being defensive or fighting with them, I am willing to saying, “Let me consider that. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.”
Buy your own copy of Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin on Amazon
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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I sometimes feel bombarded. The world has so much pain in it and there is so much to forgive. I recently got into a debate with an unwilling person on Facebook and I feel bad about that. I know they are dealing with a lot of past trauma. They are in the venting mode and lately my newsfeed is inundated with the negative memes and messages they feel they need to share with the world as they tell every bad thing that ever happened to them. I usually can overlook this because I understand they are on their own journey and this part of their path, but I am human too.
I chose to step out of my normal supportive mode and challenge them when they suggested that everyone needed to rush over to Hulu and watch a documentary about the evils of tourism. Something in me had to speak. I had to tell them that I don’t watch every documentary and read every negative thing in the world because I can’t feed the part of me that enjoys evil.
In my past I had many fractured parts of me, a coping mechanism that my brain used to handle the stress of my life and through prayer and therapy I have been able to be healed of most of those fractures, but I had a few that didn’t want to leave. I decided to name them so that I could regain control of myself. One of them, I named Gula, another word for gluttony, because she loves evil and she is never satisfied. Since I named her, she seems to be gone. I love that by telling God I didn’t want to be afraid of her, and giving her a name she lost her power.
I tried to share this with my friend, but I knew they weren’t ready to hear this. I wasn’t surprised when they became defensive and suggested that my resistance to know every evil in the world suggested that not enough people cared and that is why the world could not be saved. I told them that I am not ignorant of the evil in the world, I just meter it out in small amounts that I feel I can handle, and as God tells me. I also don’t believe the world can be saved…
I said it. I don’t believe the world can be saved. I have never read in the bible where the world was supposed to be saved. Jesus didn’t come to save the earth. He came to save the children of God. I told my friend that Jesus had conquered the world and told us to rejoice. I believe my job is to unlearn fear and to try to focus on loving myself and others.
They didn’t like what I had to say…I have noticed that they are missing from my newsfeed. I am wondering if they unfriended me. I really do love them. I just got tired. I hope some day they can forgive me.
I have to remind myself that forgiveness comes in waves and layers. I have been having nightmares lately about people in my past. I wake up in pain because I tense up in my sleep. I wake up and forgive the people in my dreams and myself….in layers and waves. I remind myself that I may have to forgive myself and others any number of times.
Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”
Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”
Before I fell asleep last night, Karen had the late night news on. We heard updates on the war in Ukraine. I cried as I watched people desperate to know where they would sleep that night. I cried as I saw the food rotting that was supposed to feed people in Africa and the news feed that estimated that over a million people might die around the world because that food would not be dispersed because of Russian blockades. Then we saw an update on the Buffalo shooting in May, where a white man shot 10 black people to protect the white race. This really made me feel sick, especially since I just finished reading Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin that day.
I thought about conversations I have had with another friend that likes Trump for president, again and I am so confused. I don’t understand people that say they are Christians that want him for president. It isn’t that he is a republican. Believe it or not I am an independent and I will vote for any candidate with intelligence, fairness and the ability to work with both parties that I think will be a strong leader. I believe that Trump is probably a genius. I also believe that at the very least he too is a trauma survivor and at the most he is mentally ill and addicted to drama and that makes him a poor leader. Although he is highly intelligent, he kept everyone on the edge of their seat every day of his presidency and it took its toll on me. I could never listen to him and when I did, his words were very antagonistic and sometimes plain foolishness. I am not saying that I probably missed some very intelligent speaking but I know the heart of a man is revealed in his speech and I don’t want a leader that I can’t respect leading me.
Proverbs 15:7
The lips of the wise spread knowledge, but the hearts of fools are not upright.
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Luke 6:45
As good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
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Ephesians 4:29
Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.
I am still praying for Trump, It does me no good to wish hardship on this man that many still listen to. I am praying for myself and my friend too because I don’t like feeling as though I am judging them. I love them. I know they are super smart and a truly loving person. I also know I don’t have to agree with everything everyone says.
Forgiveness is very important and not just for the little things but the things that shake us to our core. We have to look at the things that make us pause and the things that make us feel punched in the chest and decide if we want to be angry or at peace. I want to be at peace. This means I need to be open to seeing other people’s perspective and showing compassion. This world might not be able to be saved, but I can change myself and maybe change situations around myself in the process in love and truth.
Be loved.
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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
You know when there are times when you say something in passing that leaves others thinking something you didn’t mean, but maybe there is a grain of truth in it too? That happened to me last week. But I would like to take a moment and clarify that I don’t hate Pride Month.
It was just a week ago and my sister, Jamie, sent me a message: Happy Pride Month!
I promptly responded with: Yes. We will be inundated for the month of June. Ugh!
I didn’t mean to be rude or dismissive but it just seems like Pride Months of the past have been times where flamboyant queer people flash their feathers with great gusto and conservative Christians get offended and everything is suddenly about equality and I feel a bit bombarded. But in my every day life I am happily married to my beautiful wife and we live our lives and in our reality being queer is just something we don’t worry about because we are 46 and 57-years-old and it hurts to get out of bed in the morning, its hard to remember if eating the entire egg is healthy or not and I am very glad Xavier woke Karen up because she forgot to plug her iPhone in and her alarm didn’t go off.
But you know what I have noticed that I love? I don’t feel bombarded this year because certain media outlets have gotten better at including trans people and same sex couples in commercials and TV shows (yes it could be better but I am not ungrateful) and people are safer to be proud more naturally and so Pride is what is should be, an every day thing.
Now don’t get me wrong. I know that in certain parts of The United State where queer folks have it much harder than they do in other parts of The US. I also know that in Longview, Washington gay men have it harder than queer women and no one knows what to do with trans folks here. I know this. I am sorry. I also know that ignorance and prejudice live everywhere and I regret that too but we are growing and I want to take a moment and praise Jesus that humans are hating each other a little bit less and loving each other a little bit better every day, regardless of what the media wants to force feed us. By the way…the answer to all these situations is to treat every one with respect regardless of how they dress or who they love…
Hype comes in all colors and so I know a little bit about drama and trauma, those terrible rhyming words. As a white, disabled, fat, poor, mentally ill woman from a dysfunctional family I know about prejudice and privilege. But you know what? Walking behind people you learn that other people get it too. I have a friend that was more poor than me and more terribly abused than me growing up, and walking behind her has broken my heart at times. Until she became healed through prayer and therapy, people saw that on her and it seems like she drew abuse out of them. Walking behind my wife blows my mind. I am invisible when we walk up to another black person unless they read that we are married and then I am as black as they are…but when we were first married, we were at a park in Kirkland and the looks she got from a man, wow! He was not enjoying sharing air with my obviously mixed wife and he was Asian. I really don’t understand that, but Karen says that is normal. So it never shocked me when I got the evil eye from the old white guy when I was holding my wife’s hand under the table at a restaurant. Hate comes in all forms and I never asked him what he hated about me. I am not going to worry about it either. I forgave him.
When I growing up I don’t remember a lot of talk about queer folks but I do know that when I looked it up in the bible by myself, I understood it was an abomination. This was hard because I was having feelings about a lady that worked a diner I went to a lot. I didn’t understand those feelings and she enjoyed setting me up to see her with another woman, so I am pretty sure, she felt what I was feeling and wanted to make me uncomfortable so it was really easy for me to shut that part of myself off.
I had always found both sexes attractive so I thought I just saw beauty in all people. My nana had taught me to not waste my affections on people I wouldn’t marry and my pastor had taught me that if a person wasn’t my spouse, they were someone else’s and I should wait for marriage so all these things helped me justify why I didn’t think about people the way my friends did. They were horn-balls! Now I know that I am demi-sexual and so it is normal that I would not be sexually attracted to someone unless I was intimately connected with them emotionally…which explained the very short list…which my wife is very happy about. I am too.
I wish I had waited for marriage. Not for religious reasons but for emotional ones. It is just deeper and safer and better with someone you know wants to be there every day for the rest of your life. Maybe that isn’t important to some people, but it is to me.
I was married for 1 year before I came to terms with the fact that I was queer. I remember telling people that I didn’t feel gay. I just married my best friend. One year in and I had a good cry and talk with God and the main message I got when I asked Him if I should divorce my wife was, “No!” When I asked Him for scripture to back Him up and He said: Galatians 3:28
“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”
I said some stupid things that first year. Things I wish I hadn’t said because now I understand I was ignorant and maybe even hurtful to people that hadn’t come out yet. But I have forgiven myself and if I get the chance to step back those statements, I will because I understand now, that I was scared and ignorant. The men in the bible were doing abominable things. They were raping and murdering people out of hatred and control. They were not in loving relationships or even consensual ones. That was the abomination.
Abusing people is never ok. NEVER OK. This is what we should hate. Not a month where we celebrate people that want to be accepted and seen.
I learned a new word today: Heterosexism. It is similar in power to Homophobia but I think it is bigger. The word Heterosexism first showed up in writings by Craig Rodwell, a gay rights activist, in 1971. Heterosexism is a belief that female-male sexuality and relationships are the only norm and that makes them superior. This attitude extends beyond the bedroom, but also in the workplace, medical facilities and every part of society. No wonder people are so offended by Love Makes a Family by Sophie Beer.
But back to Homophobia, this term was coined by a straight psychologist, named George Weinberg, in late 1960’s. He was probably self-diagnosing himself, because this term describes someone who is afraid to be in the vicinity of someone who is queer, their culture and behaviors.
I am glad that my fear is going away regarding people. You know who scares me now? Not LBGTQIA+ people. Closed-minded people. People that think it is ok to hurt people for any reason at all. I have met some of their victims and it makes me want to more than pray, but that is what God said to do and I know He listens to my prayers.
If you are hurting and need support for issues related to coming out, relationships, bullying, self-harm and more contact LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564
As for me, I am enjoying a quiet Pride Month but I am also enjoying posts from friends that are going all out. I am happy for them. However you are celebrating, I hope you enjoy yourself and know that I know you are valuable and beautiful and loved. Happy Pride!
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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I was shocked to find myself very upset about the end of the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard trial, which I didn’t watch. I am so glad it is over. I avoided it to the best of my ability. I thought it was about money but apparently Amber really did abuse Johnny and that is why he won. When I looked at him I saw a big man that was not able to avoid the abuse or leave before it escalated out of control, consuming him. Yet even while I thought that, I knew that I could easily relate to Amber because I know about being human.
I didn’t watch the Depp/Heard trail because I try to limit negative media for my mental health needs. I took one look at them and I saw drama and trauma and knew their dance would bring nothing positive to my existence. Just because drama and trauma rhyme doesn’t mean they are good together. Besides, I don’t really follow them, I don’t jump watch their movies, and they aren’t part of my life so it was easy to just move on. But as I learn more and more that we are connected, I realize that it might be normal that I would be affected by their pain.
I still don’t know this ex-couple. I will probably google them to make sure I spell Amber’s name correctly but we are all human and being human we are all connected and all capable of fear and love. When I saw trauma on them, it is because I have experienced enough to know that Johnny is not fully innocent and both he and his ex-wife could probably benefit from some form of treatment, at least some great therapy sessions. I think everyone should go to therapy, so don’t think I am picking on them, personally.
I did hear Johnny say that she was very possessive about taking his boots off. It seems weird but I understand this. There are things that I enjoy doing for Karen that are helpful to her, that only I do because she is my wife. There are things that, if I am not medicated and going to therapy to stay balanced that I might become unbalanced about and a bit obsessive about in a way that my responses may not feel so loving.
When I am following my wellness plan, I might still have moments where I am feeling a bit unbalanced. I can remind myself that Karen is perfectly capable and able to care for herself, if I missed my opportunity to care for her and I don’t have a right to feel anger or jealousy towards her self-care. I can tell myself to find something constructive to do until my negative feelings pass. I can do this because my medications slow me down enough to help me make better choices. You see because I have worked hard to be well, and continue to work hard, and am committed to always work hard, I have a peaceful life but if I just made a few different choices, my life could be a mess.
This is the truth. We are all human and we are all just a number of choices away from being like Amber or someone that might even be seen as worse. Why am I telling you this? Because alongside my mental illness, my gift of empathy is a hard one to carry sometimes but I have had to learn to know what to do with it or it will take me out, but it is also a beautiful and wonderful gift. I feel things deeply. I feel my feelings and I feel the feelings around me. This is a gift because I know how to pray. I sometimes know what to say to help someone feel better. I sometimes know to say nothing but just let them know I see them. People feel so alone sometimes.
I implore you to not judge so harshly. Every person who hurts someone, has been hurt. That is how they learned to hurt people. They have trauma that they haven’t dealt with. Maybe you have trauma you haven’t dealt with. Maybe that is the reason that you think you have the right to judge because you haven’t cut someone’s finger off or bit someone, but I tell you one thing…just a few different choices and you could be. Because that is what being human is.
God didn’t make us to carry around out hurts. He didn’t make us to capture all our fears and let our ego get so big that all we can hear is fear. He sent His son to take our sins and open a dialogue between us so that we would feel safe to hand Him our hurts, when we were ready, so we could accept healing and restoration. He gave us therapists, teachers, friends and leaders to help us because He knows that is hard for some of us to trust someone we can’t see. He is here. He is always here, waiting to lighten our load when we ask Him to help us forgive the people who hurt us and ourselves and restore us to the perfect creation He made us to be. He knows it is a process because we have collected a lot of hurts but He is always good and always patient.
I could spend time hashing out what the Johnny and Amber trial means to men and women and abuse victims but in reality someone else will do that. My agenda is about love and forgiveness. What I really want is to tell men, women and non-binary people, children and anyone with a pulse that while it is not ok to be abused and you should never allow someone to abuse you, you should never hold onto that abuse either. Forgive your abuser. Forgive yourself. Make room for healing and light in your life. Let God show you that you were made for love and not fear.
You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. Song of Solomon 4:7 NIV
Note: Image found on funhandprintartblog.com.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I have a lot of labels I could wear. If you read my blog, you are aware of them. I have several chronic diagnoses that I deal with every day. But as I am healing from some of the damage from my past, I realize that I can stop being a victim. Victim? Who is hurting me? Well, in reality in every relationship where there is a victim, both the victim and the victimizer are the victim and the victimizer. That is a lot to swallow but hear me out.
Yes, I am an emotional neglect survivor. I have lived through some trauma both real and imagined, in my mentally ill mind, before I found the proper treatment. I come from people that know trauma. I think that is pretty common. But that is not who I have to stay. I can choose to be a woman that is healing and learning to be a positive thinker, a person that is forgiving as issues arise and a person that is trying to live in the moment instead of staying tied to the past or avoiding now by daydreaming about what could happen. I don’t want to be a victim anymore, to anyone, especially myself.
When I am a victim, I become defensive. This is a natural response. In my retaliation, I vindicate myself by hurting my victimizer, therefore I make them a victim and I take on their role as the victimizer. it sounds childish and it really is. I want to grow up. I don’t want to act like a child. I am 46 years old and I want to act like a caring, intelligent woman. Because that is what I am.
Caring, intelligent women, use their brains. They don’t have to tear people apart with manipulation and rejection, they can set healthy boundaries and say yes or no, depending on their own limits and they can choose how much time they give to loved ones that are not making choices to get well or to honor their boundaries.
When you choose to stop being a victim, you might entice some of your loved ones to make healthier choices to work toward their own wellness and that is something to celebrate, but you might not and that is hard. Being a grown up means we have to accept each for who we are and if I choose A and you choose B and B hurts me, I might have to limit my time with you or not have you be part of my life at all. That is not being a victim, that is setting proper boundaries for my mental and physical health.
As I began facing my trauma, I came to a point where I needed validation for my abuse. I wish I had left that between me and my therapist, God and the few friends that weren’t offended to hear my stories. Instead I chose to post things on Facebook and my blog. It felt good to write it out. Maybe I could have just written it and printed it and stuck it in a box to burn later but I posted it. At the time, I thought I was being careful to not name names but some people knew who I was talking about and they printed it and sent it to specific people and it just stirred up angst between me and others.I felt validated for a moment, even for several moments but now I wish I had kept it between me and God, my therapist and my few friends. It didn’t add anything to my life.
I am going to chase a rabbit really quick here…just a short jaunt…when I was 25 years old, I realized I was a 20 year old Christian but I felt like a toddler. So I told God I wanted Him to catch me up. God is always willing to do what we ask and the next 7 years were really intense. Basically I stopped going to church, ran every thought and action through Galatians 2:20 and told God to prove Himself.
“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” Galatians 2:20
Since I wasn’t going to a regular church, I ended up going to a small group that was basically saying that everything was finished on the cross and by the resurrection of Christ we were now a new creation. The renewing of the mind was this: that we had parts of ourself that had been forced to fracture off to handle the scary and traumatic parts of our life that were not saved and it was our job to bring them into the part of ourselves that knew Jesus, while also bringing around any other parts of our mind that didn’t realize we were a new creation. It fit well with my goal of seeing the world through Galatians 2:20 and I saw tremendous amounts of healing and restoration in my life. I was able to forgive a lot and God did prove Himself, although I have no proof to prove Him to you…but, I believe that is the way He likes it. God likes to chase down His kids.
Since that time, I have gone through many other experiences. While in this group I did deal with a terrible break up and after the group stopped meeting I kept my friendship with the people and would get together with some of them and we would talk about issues we were going through and I talked about feelings and fears of feelings I had for Karen. I believed being queer was bad because that is how it was taught to me and the leaders of the group agreed with me.
I lost those friends when I married Karen. They didn’t feel their ministries would be strong if they were connected to anyone living our lifestyle. They weren’t the only people I lost when I married Karen but I can understand why they made their choice and I respect it and in reality it is good to know who can’t stand behind you anymore.
So now that I have finished chasing that rabbit, I want to tell you what I learned while I was growing in that group and have been rekindling while I have been reading Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love and The Gift of Change. Forgiveness is key. Forgiveness comes in waves and layers. Forgiveness is probably never-ending. Forgiveness has everything to do with untying myself from people that I hurt, that hurt me, that want me, that don’t want me, and most importantly giving all authority to God who is the only one strong enough to handle all the mess we can make of each other.
So what do I know? I know that I have to take my medication or I get sick in the head or my body. I have to go to my doctor and therapy appointments to make sure that everything is working right and my wellness plan is still on the right path. I need daily time with God or I fall over and sometimes I need it more than others and since He said to pray without ceasing I can talk to Him while I cook dinner and He is ok with that. I want to unlearn fear and learn positive thinking so I need to read and watch positive things and limit media with violence and other things that don’t add anything to me. I need to apologize when I know I hurt someone and try to stop that behavior. I need to be loving toward Karen and Xavier because that is how we like to be treated in this house full of stubborn tank-heads.
…and most of all…Nothing can separate me from the love of God. He is with me and for me and He knows I am married to the love of my life and we are queer and that is something that makes me want to smile and I need to try to smile and laugh more because it feels good. Happy Pride Month!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I bought A Return to Love back when Marianne Williamson was running for president in 2020 but I didn’t get around to reading it until now. I actually think I wasn’t ready to read it until this time in my life and I am really glad I was able to absorb it in this time where I am better able, and trying to forgive more, putting effort into unlearning fear, and learning to love better. I really enjoyed this book and I highly recommend it to a mature reader and a mature Christian or person who is comfortable in their beliefs.
The book I have is actually two books in one: A Return to Love and The Gift of Change, both by Marianne Williamson. There was so much to absorb in A Return to Love that I chose to do two different book reviews. I haven’t read the second book yet but I will do a separate book review for The Gift of Change when I have completed reading that book.
Marianne begins A Return to Love by explaining that she was raised in a Jewish home and has studied many religions. She also set aside her beliefs for some time and now is a Christian. Although her writing leaves room for any higher power, she refers openly to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit as her belief system and some people might be offended by this.
“The spiritual journey is the relinquishment — or unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts. Love is the essential existential fact. It is our ultimate reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
Commonly throughout the book Marianne writes that people undervalue what we know to be true in our hearts and overvalue the things our physical senses can see. We do this because love is hard to see because love is an energy that is experienced through kindness, giving, mercy, compassion, peace, joy, acceptance, non-judgement, joining and intimacy. Fear is the opposite of love and gives a false testimony to the meaningless of love. Fear looks like anger, abuse, disease, pain, greed, addiction, selfishness, obsession, corruption, violence and war. Love is threatening to our ego because it is simple.
“The places in our personality where we tend to deviate from love are not our faults, but our wounds.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
“Forgiveness is the choice to see people as they are now. When we are angry at people, we are angry because of something they said or did before this moment. But what people said or did is not who they are. Relationships are reborn as we let go of the perceptions of our brother’s pasts. ‘By bringing the past into the present, we create a future just like the past.’ By letting the past go, we make room for miracles.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
All negativity comes from fear. Anger, rudeness, manipulation, cruelty all comes from fear. Forgiveness transforms them all. Pain doesn’t come from the love we don’t give others but from the love we choose not to give. So the answer is to ask the Holy Spirit to change our perspective and help us forgive. When we close our heart in response to other people’s choices we hurt ourself but when we remain able to give love we see a miracle.
According to A Return to Love and my personal experience, the world has taught us to fear. This is unnatural to humans because we were created in God’s image and love is the only real emotion. This is what we have to return to — to live in love and let go of fear. When we are feeling angry or annoyed with people we can confess this to the Holy Spirit, who wants to help us, and we will see the help we need, whether it is more compassion or forgiveness, or whatever is needed in the moment.
“Personal growth can be painful because it can make us feel ashamed and humiliated to face our own darkness. But the goal of personal growth is the journey from dark emotional patterns that cause us pain to those that create peace.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
When someone hurts use we can blow up at them or we can forgive them. Here is a helpful prayer to repeat until you are not longer angry:
“I forgive you _________________, and I release you to the Holy Spirit.”
This is a simple and very powerful prayer because it acknowledges that you know that God loves you and this person and wants the best for both of you. It also proclaims your trust in the Holy Spirit. I have tried this prayer out on many people and even with forgiving myself with some pretty powerful responses.
“…there is nothing we have been through or seen, or done, that cannot be used to make our lives more valuable now. We can grow from any experience, and we can transcend any experience. This kind of talk is blasphemy to the ego, which respects pain, glorifies pain, worships pain, and creates pain. Pain is its centerpiece. It sees forgiveness as its enemy.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
Our only real pleasure will come when we do what God created us to do. We must ask Him to help us be an instrument of His peace and use the abilities He gave us to spread love.
“…as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
“It is our humility, our desire to be of service, that makes us stars. Not our arrogance.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
We can only receive God’s plan. If we add anything to it we take away the little that was asked of us. We are only to align ourself with God’s plan. He will make it happen. This is a very anti-world mindset. But it can be done.
“Dear God, I surrender this situation to you. May it be used for your purposes. I ask only that my heart be open to give love and to receive love. May all the results unfold according to Your will. Amen.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
Another important concept that is talked about in A Return to Love are that we are interrelated but we have forgotten that because our ego supports a mentality where instead of “we” we talk about “my career”, “my money” or “my life.” But we are not separate. This falsely created separateness leads us to mistake where we put our devotion — our stuff instead of our love, relationships and our higher power.
We hear people say to us to feel our feelings, which is important, but they are usually referring to fear, pain, shame, all the negative emotions, but we also need to feel all the positive ones too: love, satisfaction, joy… The ego does not like positive thoughts and works against them but our natural inheritance is to enjoy the good in our lives, especially if it is small. There is nothing wrong with being too happy.
Love is not just sentimental mush on a greeting card. It is a practiced discipline of defying our ego’s voice. It is relying on the Holy Spirit and focusing on the our capacity to love by training our minds to the habits of loving.
Today’s goal is peace. I should have that tattooed somewhere.
Buy your own copy of A Return to Love and The Gift of Change by Marianne Williamson on Amazon
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Love Does is the name of the latest book I read by author, Bob Goff. “That’s one of the things about love. It doesn’t recognize boundaries and never obeys the rules we try to give it,” wrote Goff. All 224 pages of this bright blue book with colorful balloons that don the cover, I think to help us remember to allow some adventure into our every day lives, Bob tells story after story that are meant to remind us that Love Does.
“I think every day God sends us an invitation to live and sometimes we forget to show up or get head-faked into thinking we haven’t really been invited. But you see, we have been invited — every day, all over again.” Bob Goff
Bob is a Christian but he isn’t like a lot of the Christians I have met. He is very laid back. He is very relational. In fact that is his entire motivation, even referring to some of his experiences at bible studies as feeling more like stalking Jesus than getting to know Him. Bob wasn’t trying to put down people who study their bibles he just felt like there had to be more to his relationship than just memorizing words. He wanted to find out how to relate the words to how he lives his life.
“What if we were just to do awesome, incredible stuff together while we’re here on earth and the fact that only He knew would be enough? If we did that, we wouldn’t get confused about who was really making things happen.” Bob Goff
This book reads like a familiar old friend; sometimes it even feels like a safe hug. Bob Goff has not lost his child-likeness and it is refreshing. I can feel it in my heart that he loves freely, like my wife, Karen, so he must be a kindred spirit. It took me a week to read, only because I was too sick to hold the book up for 3 days. As I read this book it felt like parts of me were being dusted off.
Bob reminded me that the religious people don’t get to pick who goes to heaven, God does. It is my job just to love. I don’t have to worry about anything else. I worry a lot. I needed the reminder.
I think about experiences I have had a churches, even experiences I have had at my own hand in where I tried to “overcome satan” for lack of a better term. I always felt slimed later. It wasn’t for me. I am an encourager. I am not a fighter. I love that Bob refuses to capitalize the first letter of his name. We really do give that guy too much attention…I think I learned a lot about who I am in Bob’s few lines about his approach to this fallen angel, who isn’t sorry and never will be:
“When I think about satan, my thoughts go to how Jesus interacted with him in the desert. Jesus spoke with him in just a few seconds and then sent him away…” Bob Goff
Reading good books is a great part of wellness because it helps us see new ways to live. My therapist suggested this book to me over a year ago and I have had it for about that amount of time. I am so glad I took the time to buy it and read it. I needed to hear positive stories from a person that is easy to respect and like. I highly recommend this book to anyone, even if you are not a believer because the book isn’t really about Jesus, although it does talk about Him, it is about the adventures that Bob takes from his childhood through his adulthood and how those adventures and being open to some whimsy can lead to more adventures and places you never thought you would go. Even if that is just into relationships that are more fulfilling than sitting alone.
Buy your own copy of Love Does by Bob Goff on Amazon.com
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
There are things about society that bewilder me. It seems people are so quick to have an opinion about others that they have never met and that seems odd to me. Take for instance the slap heard round the United States…starring Will Smith. I didn’t even watch the Oscars, not because I didn’t want to, I was doing something else and forgot about them but at some point, I kept hearing about something Mr. Smith did so I thought I would check it out.
My experience at the clip I saw of Chris Rock’s comment towards Jada Pinkett-Smith and Will Smith’s reaction left me dumbfounded.
I don’t know this man but I have followed him a bit because I think he is a great actor. I see he is trying to be a good man. He has great energy and he is trying to grow and be a positive force in the world. The fact that he has remained married so long as a Hollywood A-lister is admirable. Marriage is a special and complicated relationship at best, and Hollywood warps that experience to a place far beyond the norm…Then he walks up to Chris Rock, a comedian, known for his teasing style of comedy and slaps him for a comment that was not terrible…
I am still confused.
Enter everyone’s opinions. Some want him retired. Some sing his praises. Why do we think we get to judge people so much? Why does everyone think we all get a say?
If an actor is known for being violent on set and people don’t want to work with them, then they naturally will lose rolls. Personally I can’t consider that ending his career would be anyone’s right but his and the people who will or wont hire him. If a person has a bad moment at a public event and the committee that runs the event decides to restrict access or fine a person for behavior that is unbecoming, that is none of my business. I am sure the fact that Mr. Smith has been restricted from the Oscars for the next 10 years has made several people very happy; to me it is just a natural consequence.
Innocent people are losing their homes and lives in another part of the world. Children are going to bed hungry. People are living on the streets and every late night talk show host is talking about Will Smith…and I keep hearing how as a nation, we need to heal from this situation. The confusion keeps growing…
I am going to be honest here. I have rarely enjoyed Chris Rock. I don’t like how he picks at people but I understand that many people enjoy this style of comedy. However, as he has gotten older, I see he is softening. Honestly I thought his comment to Jada Pinkett-Smith about her short hair was not a put down. I think she is incredibly stunning with short hair. I did not know she had alopecia. Maybe he didn’t know either. And his reference to her starring in a GI Jane 2, could have been a compliment, in my opinion. GI Jane is a great movie.
I am incredibly astounded, still, by how he responded to Mr. Smith’s behavior. He took the slap and responded with grace; not only by keeping the show going but by not pressing charges and making the matter bigger. I must say I really respect Mr. Rock for his choices in this matter.
Why can’t I find what she thinks about all this? Hello? She is a strong woman. She doesn’t usually require saving. I don’t know her, but, like her husband, I have admired her work and the authenticity she tries to embody.
I really thought about this situation more than I wanted to. Days later, it occurred to me that I never prayed for them so I did and God whispered things to me that helped me have even more compassion for all of them. I am so thankful I am not part of the Hollywood Roster
One guy hit another guy for making a comment about his wife. The guy who got hit forgave the guy that hit him and the guy that hit him admitted he was wrong and asked to be forgiven. Yes, many people saw it, but really it was a personal issue that got aired in public because of a moment of bad judgment. Nobody else was hit. These things happen every day. The only difference is that we are talking about celebrities and not Steve and Mark, down the block. As a society, I maintain that putting people on platforms because they are talented enough to make a ton of money, dishonors the regular Joes and Janes in the world and my brain cannot see value in that. Will Smith is a valuable person but he is no more valuable than me and I don’t want to be judged by one bad moment.
All this judging of each other is a waste of time and this imaginary need to heal as a nation we put on ourselves only distracts us from real things we need to heal from. We definitely need to keep praying for ourselves and each other.
After Chris Rock made his comment about Jada Pinkett-Smith being in GI Jane 2
Pinkett-Smith: Borrowing Demi Moore’s line after a severe beating by the Master Chief, “Suck my dick!”
Will and anyone at the Oscars: acting as Moore’s fellow soldiers, “Hoorah!”
…now that would have been a great moment…
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Love is important but respect is key.
Karen and I had a rare moment where we weren’t exhausted or didn’t have to be somewhere. We were enjoying that moment by having a nice talk. I told her I thought love was fickle. To me, respect was most important. I give every person a certain level of respect, as a human, but respect is a two way street and must be earned. I think I respect Karen the most out of everyone I have met (besides Jesus).
Karen is a magnificent person who has the ability to let each person be themself without losing herself. It may appear that she might be a pushover but she is actually very measured and in more control of situations than expected. She is honorable, loyal and wise. She has helped teach me how you can’t have true love without respect. She is not perfect but she will admit that too…and she is working on herself all the time which I totally respect as well.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I read this book yesterday. It only has 64 pages so I drank two cups of green tea with honey, from my friend Heike, to help with my allergies and digested the words in this book.
The depth of the belief in God, or the Great Mystery, as their Higher Power, is enough to leave me speechless and a little envious. The things taken from the Native Americans and added to or adulterated by white man, are too great to fathom and I shed a few tears and asked God to forgive my ancestors. But the loss white people have, and still may cause the people who were here before anyone else for centuries, is not the greatest knowledge I gleaned from this book.
The reverence the Americans spoken of in this book, toward their Creator is mind blowing. The respect for life, ALL LIFE, before they were affected by alcohol and self centered concepts is astounding! Not just humans, animals and our earth, but everything because they believe that the spirit of God is in everything the Creator made and is alive and worthy of respect. Quiet praise is constant toward the Great Mystery.
Last night I regurgitated some of the beliefs and customs of these peaceful people over and over to Karen. We enjoyed talking about these things and even debated about government influences in the world in response to the information shared.
Today as I put together a meat loaf it occurred to me to thank God for the animals who died for our dinner tonight. Then I was thanking God and asking blessing for all the hands that had a job in growing the produce, processing the seasonings, herbs and condiments…and then the people who created the dishes I used, the tools and appliances I have and home I live in, the clothes I wear and the linens we have, the drivers, the clerks and so on.
We are such a blessed people. History cannot be undone or erased but it can be a tool to bring us to repentance and change in ourself. I have no power to change anyone but I can look honestly at myself and bring the less than perfect parts of me before God, or whatever you call your Higher Power, and make a plan to change: the way I think, speak, live and honor all that My God has let me have in order to bring Him glory.
I can only judge myself and blame myself for the behaviors I have let myself act out, but since restoration is His goal in His great love, Jesus has paid for any blame and I am grateful. I am not perfect, but I am going to keep looking inside myself for anything that does not bring Jesus glory and acknowledge His grace and His newness in me as I try to let go of bad habits that hurt His creation and make Him smaller than He actually is in my life.
If you take anything from this writing, please know that there is no condemnation for those in Christ. If you feel defensive, repent and ask your Higher Power to show you how to be better. This message is not meant to make anyone feel bad or guilty but ask you to look to Your Creator and ask how you can be better from this moment forward.
I do not believe in a fire and brimstone god or one who wants me to feel guilt and shame because that is not what Jesus taught. I believe in The Lord that is happy to have made me, live for me, die for me, return to life and show me how to live in peace and love with Him.
With all my heart: God loves you and is happy He made you, no matter who you are, what you have done or what has been done to you and He is the God of reconciliation. Be blessed!
If you want to purchase this book, I bought my copy of The Soul of the Indian by Charles Alexander (Ohiyesa) Eastman on Amazon.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
There should be a difference between our public and personal behaviors. There are things I do at home that I would never do in public. The same with public health guidelines and personal choices.
We must own our behaviors and choices and stop being defensive, while knowing that the same right I have to believe or live in a certain way, is also your right too. We don’t have to agree but we should be respectful.
We also don’t all have to be friends. If my beliefs and choices offend you, and you have discussed it with me, and I don’t accommodate you, you have the right to choose how much of your time you want to give me; as I also have the same right to choose how much time I want give you.<
You don’t have to own the weight of my choices. You don’t have to change me. Your responsibility is to your physical and mental health and to learn and respect your boundaries. If you choose to give your time and energy to others, own that too.
We are all dealing with personal issues from our past and present. It is ok to not engage with people that make you tired or feel defensive. These people may not mean to steal from you, but if someone cannot be enough for themselves and they purposefully or inadvertently take your energy, you have the right to be your best person separately from them.
People that make you tired are not getting the best you either…you eventually will abuse them in your exhaustion even if you don’t want to. I have experienced being the abuser on both sides: I have taken too much and I have defended myself to the detriment of others and myself…even with people I love.
I have reasons for wearing or not wearing a mask, getting a vaccine or not, eating in restaurants or not…or any other behaviors that might trigger you. I don’t have to share these with you. You don’t have to explain yourself to me either; however we must respect each other enough to not abuse each other for our choices and choose how much time we will give to each other.
There have been many lovely people that I have wanted to have a closer relationship with, that never worked out. It didn’t work because our paths were different and we had to choose where we used our time. These choices had nothing to do with the level of respect we had for each other.
Each person has only enough energy for a certain amount of relationships based on how they live, work and view relationships. Karen and I are intense people. One thing we have in common is how we view relationships, although we may interact with the people around us very differently based on our perspectives, personalities and energy levels. Our relationship with each other is paramount to any other, except our God. We have an extreme need for a higher level of privacy than many people we have met and we each have about 2 extremely close friends, about 2 close friends and everyone else is an acquaintance at varying levels. We don’t do this because we don’t love people but because we do love people and highly value relationship and we are hard workers that have to balance our responsibility to our work, personal and family relationships. I also have many chronic illnesses that affect our choices on how we use our time. I am assuming everyone must decide how they use their time, energy and devotion and I know that everyone has different levels of what they can give and receive from the world.
Society paints an illusion that we must be the same with everyone in many versions of codependent experiences and expectations. This is not true. If you cannot or won’t do a certain thing that I find vital to my existence, it is ok. I don’t disregard your freedom to live your life. It is yours and mine is mine. We don’t have to set fire to each other because we don’t live the same way. We only need to give each other the grace to live knowing that some decisions we make will keep others outside our space and we can choose to stay out of other people’s spaces if they do not align with what we need to be successful.
My choices, behaviors, beliefs are mine and yours are yours. This is how we love our neighbor as ourself. Jesus told us to give freely, not to the detriment to ourself and others. I give everything I have until I have to stop. Sometimes I feel loss because I don’t have what others need. Sometimes I feel loss because I don’t have enough for my own needs. This is part of the limitation of being human. Love as much as you can. It is ok to say no.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
This morning, for the first time in almost 2 weeks, I had the energy to lay Karen‘s clothes out for work, tidy up, make coffee and Karen’s lunch (including scrubbing her lunch box), check email and try to get Karen out of bed in time to grab a real breakfast before her long shift at Safeway…
I had this great post planned in my head as I was lying in bed with my family, enjoying the moment. There was a moment that my hand fit in Karen’s and Xavier was lying on my chest with his paw on my cheek. It was sweet. One moment where we were all holding onto each other. I got some great sleep last night, even before I fell asleep it was sweet and silly. I have been really sick all month and I finally decided to stop living with the pain and vape a bit of high CBD so I could relax. I have been using the same cartridge I bought in September 2019, so I obviously don’t do this often.
That great post is gone now but I will try for something great…
Last night ended up being great night! I couldn’t talk and that made me laugh. I could feel my body letting go of the tension, first in my face and head, then my hands and then slowly, my midsection. Xavier decided to lay on my stomach for a while and it seemed like much longer than usual. He and I are both very anxious creatures so he generally does a check in and then gets overly stimulated and has to walk away for a bit. He is terrified of being under blankets so if I put my hands under the blanket he leaves. But last night he was happy to sit and purr and didn’t care if I slipped under the blankets. I was pretty inebriated so I can only gauge how long the visit was by the amount of time he spent on me while we watched SNL…even by that measurement, it was a longer and more peaceful sit than we have had in a long time. I think he must have been enjoying my calm.
I have been miserable for the entire month of January. It seemed like all my chronic conditions each wanted to host their own rager…I have a lot of them so it has been quite the ride. I was never much of a partier so I am ready for peace. That said it has been a month of total blessings right along with the trials. Although I have been dealing with symptoms that left me exhausted, and in fact the last two weeks I have hardly been able to stay awake long enough to use the restroom and drink ridiculous amounts of water. The inflammation in my abdomen had effected all of me so I was forcing myself to eat small amounts, in order to just have enough calories to function. I could not cook or do the laundry or any of the things I do to maintain our home and Karen as she works her 2 jobs, on top of trying to keep Wellness Works NW open during a pandemic and all that implies, so Karen had those things on her shoulders too, which I feel bad about but she says I shouldn’t…
As I could do little but sleep, I would pray. I couldn’t sit up long enough to read my bible so I figured I would use the time to just talk with God as He inspired me to. During my moments of lucidity here are just a few things that bless my so much!
I crashed yesterday. You can only try to maintain through pain so long…While I have been sick I have been having lots of nightmares. I would wake up and talk to God about them. Most of my nightmares are either real events I have lived through or symbolic of real trauma situations or relationships. I don’t want to hold people guilty for things they can’t undo, especially when I know they are just as exposed, if not more, to emotional neglect, mental and physical abuse…I can’t hold someone guilty forever without hurting myself and I don’t want to hurt them either. Most of these people are smart, good, hard working people and they were just surviving; the neglect and abuse, no matter how much it hurt me, was in most cases, just them living the way they know how to live.
But I keep hearing a moment in Blue Bloods (Season 10, Episode 16) where Erin says to her ex-husband, Jack, “You hurt me.”
They say a few more lines and then Jack asks her how he is supposed to respond and Erin says, “You aren’t.”
There is a universal truth to this conversation. Many times when people hurt each other, it is only our responsibility to handle our pain. The truth is there are people who hurt me. I know I have hurt them too. The revelation seems fresh to me, however it isn’t. I carry pain inside me that has been with me forever. I don’t mean to. Scientists have proven that our muscles have memory and we carry our trauma with us. Even if that is true, I want to be honest with myself so that I can walk forward and not worry about the past. God wants me to live in the moment. In Genesis 19, Lot’s wife became a pillar of salt when she looked back as they fled for their lives. God told them not to look back. She may have become overwhelmed by the very site of God raining down His punishment on Sodom and Gomorrah but either way the woman lost her life because she looked back instead of living in the moment, like God said. I don’t want to be like Lot’s wife.
I also really want Jesus to bless these people who aren’t with me right now. I want them to be healthy, successful and happy. I don’t want to make a painful situation worse.
Besides this revelation, I had another this week: I have had migraines since at least 6th grade and I didn’t know it. I have a ridiculous pain threshold. I thought the whooshing sound I heard in my head was a hallucination or stress because I never had a heart attack or stroke and they usually happen when I am torqued. I had been checking my temperature and Karen had been checking my pulse and they were normal as it sounded like troops marching in my ears and felt like someone was shoving golf balls through the veins at the base of my neck. I felt sorry for my 10-year-old self who had way too much responsibility. I had to fight back the guilt laden tapes of people begging me to go to the doctor when I was a girl, that I rebelled against because it was the only thing I could control and I would not be allowed to go alone and I didn’t want to be the reason for someone else’s mental break because I wasn’t the child they wanted or needed me to be. I had read the Mayo Clinic website several times trying to take in what it had to say while memories of my younger self flushed over me.
Another reason for my crash, besides the normal stress of living in a hotel and trying to find housing, being chronically ill, both physically and mentally, COVID-19, politics and all the other normal challenges of life is a choice I made. I kept seeing this #senioryearchallenge and I know I needed to stay clear of it. I knew it would not help me. But in a moment of being sick and wanting to find a way to feel less disconnected I answered the questions.
Class of: 1993
I know it seems harmless enough but it opened a chasm of old tapes, feelings and partial memories; kind of like a volcano of hurt.
Every time I have a hurt or a memory or dream I try to give to to God ASAP. I really do. My brain and body have lived through things they can’t forget. I can tell myself it isn’t happening anymore, it wasn’t as bad for me as other people I know, but even that seems like not honoring myself. There are people in my past that wanted me to be like their version of me and they refused to acknowledge that it is ok to not like a certain item, regardless of the great deal they got on a such a high quality item or how thankful they think I should be for whatever they are trying to make me want. On a normal day I can move on. When you are sick it is really hard to get out of your head…Although I tried. I texted a few young adults I know, how proud of them I am. I searched Facebook for people to pray for. I listed good things that had happened in the last few days. I told God how amazing and MAJESTIC He is…
When Karen got home, I lost it. I can’t cry right now. I have had a migraine for a week now and crying with a migraine really FUCKING hurts! (I am sorry there is just no other way to put it) I also knew that with this chasm of old feelings freshly exposed, my tears, if they started, would get out of control and 45 years of soul wrenching sobs would scare the other guests here and I know there are children here. I wont hurt a child, if I can help it…So I threw myself on the bed and surrounded myself with pillows and tried to breathe and let my body convulse. In case you didn’t know, twitching is an anxiety response. Xavier meowed to let me know he was near but he was going to stay out of my way and my beloved stood ready to help and then honored my request to ignore me because I just had to deal with myself. I could hear my family watching TV and playing together (they are awesome) while I thanked God for holding me. It is the biggest anxiety attack I have had in a long time. When it was quiet I realized the prayers, essential oils, my tincture and all the tools I have learned in therapy were not enough and I quietly asked my wife to go buy me a new battery for my vape pen and she did.
We ate a quiet dinner. I got all our medications and supplements in their sorters for the week and made the bed ready for collapsing in and told Karen whatever didn’t get done by 11:30 pm didn’t need to be done…Karen really enjoys Saturday Night Live…she even went outside with me, although she would never use cannabis for any reason and then she helped me walk back inside. I think she really enjoyed this part because I was giggling so much. Even though I was really intoxicated, I realized how much I have healed in the last few years. It has been a year since I vaped and I never giggled like that, since I was 20 and not using cannabis for medical reasons. 🙂
I slept so well! When I did wake up it wasn’t from a nightmare but God was whispering to me, “Here and Now.” I am still only at about 85% but if you made it this far I want to thank you. Not only did you bother to read this short novel, but I want to convey that with the bad there is positive if you really look for it. The hurts I have would not be so terrible if there weren’t so many good memories that make me miss the people that I can’t be with because I am not able to make healthy choices in their presence. Or if I didn’t respect that they have the right to be themselves and they don’t have to want to change to make me better. Being in an EPIC flare was filled with sweet moments with Jesus, talking about people I love and thanking Him for choosing to save me and love me. Even in all the turmoil, Karen and I have continued to support and praise each other for our successes while being authentic and honoring of each other…even though I can often hear venom in my voice which is only because I am suffering and that is what pain sounds like.
I still maintain that I am a blessed woman. I hope you know you are blessed too.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
This article is based on my opinion as well as information I gained through web series I took part in in July of 2020 called LGBTQ+ Cultural Competency Workshop. This workshop was sponsored by Lambert House, Healing Bridge, PFLAG, PFLAG SW WA, Connect BG and Wonderfully Made. You may want skip this article if you don’t like people who might be different from you.
God please help me write this the way my heart is feeling it because for some reason it seems so hard.
Years ago I met a person who was trying to tell me something about themself, but I could not hear them. I still thought the world was very black and white. I am not sure where I learned this but it was a reality for me. Black and white thinking is not very inclusive.
The definition of inclusiveness is an aura or environment of letting people in and making them feel welcome.An example of inclusiveness is when you make your home a comfortable place for all of your friends, family, guests and people you meet.
When we are thinking about whether or not you are practicing being inclusive we need to ask ourselves some questions:
These are universal questions. When you have the answer for yourself, the next step is to consider whether you are giving what you need to others in an open-handed way that allows them the freedom to express themselves. One thing, I think is universally true is that people like to be heard. They don’t like to be invited into someone’s space, and have no room to be themselves, be allowed to speak and be empathized with.
I know it the past I was not able to hear people who were trying to express that they had a burden and they wanted to share it with me. They were not asking me to hold it for them or take it from them, they just wanted to show it to me and know that they were safe with me to just sit in their honesty.
Do you know how I know this? As I have gotten older, I came to the realization that I had to know my identity; the one I was born with that maybe I didn’t know how to look at or foster in myself. This same identity that maybe no one else knew how to look at it or foster, or they just didn’t want to.
Read: A Letter to a Younger Me – AKA 16 Things I Know
What I have come to understand is that my identity is mine and it includes many aspects: dreams, beliefs & philosophies, sex, gender identity, gender expression, orientation are only a few and each one has their own importance. These aspects can only be identified by me and no one else, just as I can only listen and hear what others are saying to me and choose what I will do with it.
Many years ago, I had a conversation with someone about their gender identity. I can’t seem to shake it. I think about it often so I decided to sit with what I know. What I came up with is this: I didn’t let them tell me their truth without interrupting them and defining them in my black and white knowledge.
I know there are people, who will say: Summer, you are a Christian. How can you not tell people the truth?
My answer is this: Jesus is the truth and the life. It is His job to define my identity and salvation. It is His job to change people. It is not my job to tell people their truth. It is my job to love people with Christ’s love. If He thinks they are wrong, He will show them in His amazing way. But who am I to define someone else?
Now, before someone says: Summer, what about people who are breaking the law? I am not talking about that, I am talking about someone’s identity. If someone else’s identity is hurting me, than I might really have a problem within myself, not them. I know I used to have issues with other people’s identity and, for me, it was because I didn’t know my own identity because I had never thought to consider it and what makes me who I am.
For the last 20 years or so, I have looked at myself as honestly as I can. I have questioned myself. I have questioned God about myself. I am sure I will keep doing this for the rest of my life, since the bible says that if I believe Jesus is the Son of God, than He abides in me (1 John 4:15), and I want to know Jesus, and that is a relationship that was created before the foundation of the world (Romans 8:29) and it will definitely not end any time soon.
What have a learned? I have learned that I am always changing. I am always thinking and learning. To be the same would mean that I was stagnant and I never want to be that. The only thing that never changes is Christ’s love in me…but what that means to me and how I react to it that just keeps getting deeper and deeper…
Be as well as you can be, my friends…
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Amen
The Lord is with you always.
Note: If you leave comments that are not open-minded questions or statements we can discuss in order to better understand each other, calmly and in a loving manner and you do not include your name and email address, to facilitate conversation, you will not see them posted on this blog. I welcome conversations and questions, but I will not be abused and I will not allow abusive language on my personal blog. If you read something you don’t like on my blog, please pray for me.
If you are living with a chronic physical or mental illness you understand the word: Trigger. It is important because once you know your triggers you can better protect yourself from episodes or flares. My main triggers are: angry people, fighting voices and being lied to, weather changes, smoke and mildew, nightshade fruits and vegetables, additives, food coloring and certain cooking oils. There are more but those are the biggest…oh the joys of chronic illness!
As I peruse certain social media sites and news broadcasts I think most of society has a few trigger words: Trump, Biden, Inslee and Racism are just a few.
Trump is president until he is not….
I want to share something with you. I had an emotional break when Trump became president. I disassociated for I don’t know how long. The very sound of his voice or his name would cause me to have an anxiety attack. It wasn’t until the last year that I have been able to call him President Trump. You can judge me or listen to me…that is your choice…your opinion of me is none of my business….
Over the last few years, I have prayed for President Trump. I have watched him grow a little bit. I don’t hate him and I have found a few things to respect about him.
I am writing this for people who don’t know they can refuse to watch tv tonight. I am writing this for people who are so stressed out and on edge about what will happen. I am telling you, it doesn’t matter what is going to happen tonight. I am ready for a full-on fight to the Supreme Court and hoping for a peaceful ending.
No matter, who you are voting for, President Trump is president until he is not. Radical acceptance is a life-saver to me and I want to share it with you. We will not die and our lives will not change that much in the next few months, regardless of who wins.
So if he is not your choice, or even if he is, I want to tell you, you have a right to not turn the tv on. You can read a book, play with your kids, stream from your favorite service or watch DVDs..I am thinking Hulu is where I will be tonight and probably the next few nights because I am a hypersensitive person and I have to protect myself from the chaos of the American people who are acting out.
This post is not about who our president is. It is about choosing how much chaos I want to ingest. Stress kills people too. I think people have forgotten that not everything is about any one person, even if that person is the president or not. I am not advocating for any candidate. I am advocating for good mental health.
God bless you.
I am so surprised by some of the responses from people who did not understand that I was talking about my personal experience and mental health. All they wanted to do was use my wall to share their opinions on the candidates. This made me sad.
My good friend, Jamie, told me, not too long ago, that emotions are a choice. Now, I had come to understand that Joy and Peace are choices because the bible says so, often, to choose them but I hadn’t considered that all emotions are choices and we don’t have to be run by them. I have been trying to learn this well.
In the homea I was raised in, certain things were not my choice…So many things that I didn’t even realize many other choices were available to me as well. So I am trying to catch up. I have been told I am very immature for my age, by some people and very mature by others. I will be 45 on my next birthday and even though I don’t really mind what others think about me, unless they are working to have a healthy relationship with me, I do want to catch up to what I think a 45-year-old woman should be able to comprehend and process in a healthy manner.
I come from people who enjoy being angry. I am not sure they would agree with that statement but I know how long it has taken me to understand that I can choose to be angry or I can choose to be something else, and I want to celebrate that. Even my therapist was happy with me when I told her how I had chosen to not engage with someone for a fight, but remained calm and waited for them to make that choice too. When people are angry all the time, it is easy to fight. I can’t afford to fight.
When I allow myself to become angry, I am not in control of myself. I am not hearing or listening. I am just angry and sometimes it takes days for me to come back down. The result is to lose time where I could be at peace and productive; it is also a flare. When my emotional health is out of wack, it triggers fibromyalgia, who will engage psoriatic arthritis and lymphedema (who is always kind of a bitch anyway) and then the list of possible painful and potentially embarrassing symptoms fight over who will enter the door first…and they always stay too long. I look at this as a blessing because it forces me to choose peace, which is what my soul really wants.
Can you relate to any of this?
I am still telling myself: Trump is president until he is not…
That statement is not against him or for him, it is just a truth that I can find peace in because it is true. Even though the media is trying to engage us with rumors that Biden may have won the war over who presides in the White House, I am choosing to say: Trump is president until he is not….
I can’t do anything about our government, other than vote…and I did that. Worrying or being angry about the results will not make our government stronger and it sure wont make me stronger.
Our souls crave peace and some of us are so starved of it, we don’t know what it is anymore. Peace is that quiet, calmness that we can slip away to, inside ourselves. I have always enjoyed being alone, however I did not always have peace. In fact without my medication and mindfulness practices there is a screaming that overcomes me in my mind that distracts me and makes it hard for me to focus and make good choices. That screaming is deafening and aggravating and anxiety ridden. I have named her Anna and she is friends with Veda and those two do not make my life even slightly bearable. I named them because it is easier to love them if they have a name. I bet that sounds weird to you.
Love is the only thing that can overcome hate and anger. Acceptance of personal responsibility and rights is part of love that can be shared and given to ourselves.
How do you love yourself?
There is a camaraderie found in choosing a political party, not unlike choosing friends. But when our friends encourage us to hurt other people, would we continue to stay in that relationship? I don’t see a lot of wisdom in choosing one side. I value attributes of both sides, but I also abhor some of the behaviors I see on both sides. When I separate my emotions from what I see, it is easy for me to say that I am neither red or blue…I am not purple either…but more like a red, white and blue tie-dyed t-shirt with bursts of colors that dance together.
I am not setting any one person’s political choices on fire. I believe in the strength of the soldiers who have died to allow me the right to make my own choices without persecution. What I would like to do is shine a light on what is true. We have had 58 successful elections in our short life as the United States and only 45 presidents. I have never experienced the level of anger and hatred that I see now. Yes it was there, and it seems to have gotten more noticeable with every election since I can remember but not like now. Why is that?
My wife said something last night that caught my attention. I may be paraphrasing her badly but it was along the lines of this: We shouldn’t just be red or blue but we should be Red, White and Blue, the colors of our flag, because we are Americans before we are a political party. Karen and I don’t agree on everything politics but we do agree on this: We are Americans and we are lucky to be Americans and we should not be fighting each other.
So if you are reading this and you never knew it before: You have a choice. You have lots of choices. Don’t let the media or the masses stop you from hearing the quiet place inside you. If you don’t have a quiet place, please find someone to talk to. We were not made to fight. We were made to be in relationship with each other. We were made for peace.
It’s ok to take your finger off of the trigger.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Amen
The Lord is with you always.
I am so angry and sad right now. I am thankful too. Chronic Illness is a bitch. She is ruthless and steals good things from people. I am angry because too many people don’t have enough options. I am sad because people I love are losing things that are important to them. I am thankful because my wife made sure that I didn’t miss my anxiety meds yesterday.
For people who are healthy or maybe are able to ignore their ailments it may be hard to have compassion on people who can’t. Loss is part of life but when you are chronic it can be a daily thing. It is exhausting to have to try so hard every day to be productive when you spend your time maneuvering around your circumstances. Strangers can be heartless. Strangers can also be amazing. You never know which one you will meet. I suppose that is true for everyone but when you are chronic you are always worried and you don’t need to worry about if people are kind or not. You are busy worrying about how you measure up, will your body or mind embarrass you, will you be a burden, will your needs cause discomfort to someone. It is easier to stay home. What if you don’t have a home? What if you have an addiction that you haven’t learned how to control yet?
I am being so generic right now. It tears my heart out when I hear someone say anything about people who are hurting, whether they are chronic, homeless, an addict, or variant from what society deems is the norm. You don’t know the energy it may have taken for any person around you to be there. I am sure there are more generous people out there than the ones I see posting selfish, hateful things on social media…but the squeaky wheel sure can throw me into an episode…
This morning I have had news of losses for 2 of my beloved friends. You spend a lot of time mourning when you are chronic and not just for yourself but the people you love who are also chronic. It becomes like an old sweater you keep because you are used to it. Even if it is worn out and doesn’t look like it did when you first got it. It is familiar.
I bought this old sweater, in the picture, when I was 20. I have had it almost 25 years. I have gone through a lot with this sweater. At some point it became a comfort to me and I began sleeping with it wrapped around my neck. It reminded me of the purple panda bear someone had made for my younger sister when she was born. She didn’t like him but I fell in love with Concord Grape, that is what we named him because he was made of two shades of purple wool. I took him everywhere. As he fell apart, I would keep a piece of him in my pocket and run my fingers over the scratchy fibers. When I was about 10 years old, my mom threw him away. I was heart-broken. Nana bought me a new bear that Christmas. Theodore E Bear is great, but he was nothing like Concord Grape. As a young adult, I went through a lot of Motrin and aspirin and I was starting to have panic attacks in my sleep. Even then, Fibromyalgia, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD were starting to become something I couldn’t ignore. That sweater helped me a lot.
My sweater has traveled everywhere I have gone because when I forgot it, I couldn’t sleep. I remember the first time one of my nephews called it my blankie. I wanted to be a grown-up and grown-ups don’t have blankies…but he was right and even though I call it my sweater, it is, in fact my blankie. As it began falling apart, I would keep parts of my sweater in different bags so I could run my fingers over the scratchy wool and be comforted.
In 2014, I got the flu. It was worse than I had ever experienced and the cellulitis that I had been nursing without medical help for years went from a patch around most of my left ankle to my leg looking like I had dipped it in boiling bbq sauce up to my thigh. Karen, who was my good friend and business partner took me to the hospital where I stayed for 5 days getting very strong antibiotics. She never left my side. That was when I really began falling apart. I had to address my symptoms that had become impossible to ignore.
I don’t think I took my sweater with me to the hospital but I did take my best friend, who refused to leave my side. Karen even stayed with me when I came home because I could not care for my wounds. Somewhere in there we realized we were more than friends and were married. She is my favorite teddy bear now, but I still sleep with this sweater.
About a year ago I collected all the pieces of my sweater I could find and binge watched Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium and Little House on the Prairie while I sewed all the pieces together. I kept the collar and tags to remind me of when it was actually a sweater, but it looks more like a blankie than ever. It was healing to me to sew all the pieces together. I find crocheting and sewing by hand very calming to me and I have lovingly sewn many blankies and teddy bears back together for children I love, it was kind of like me doing something loving for myself. I had to be creative with some of the pieces. My sweater is no longer 100% wool. I used whatever thread I had on hand so now it is also acrylic, polyester and cotton and like my monthly therapy sessions, I have to spend time mending my sweater too.
A couple weeks ago, I was watching Red Table Talk while I repaired a few tears in my sweater and it occurred to me that I am like this sweater. Many of the original fibers are there but, much like the threads holding my sweater together, my lifestyle changes have not only changed the shape of my life but they hold me together.
My self-care includes daily anaerobic exercises, donning of heavy duty compression hose because of lymphedema in my left leg (some traumas don’t go away), flushing of my sinuses, specific amounts of water every day, and exclusion of foods I can’t eat anymore. I take medications and (lots of) supplements at 11 am, 2:30 pm, 5 pm and 11 pm. I use essential oils to help manage some symptoms. I use a 5:1 ratio tincture and topical ibuprofen and lots of distraction and mindfulness to manage pain. I also make time to mend my sweater while I watch Red Table Talk or listen to my favorite podcasts: Joyce Meyer Enjoying Everyday Life and Elevation with Steven Furtick. And I nap and pray as necessary.
I pray for myself but mostly for the people I know are suffering with their own chronic issues because it is very hard to never know what you will wake up to that day. You learn to be ridged with other people and fluid with yourself because it is the only way to survive. My body and mind create enough drama for me. I have nothing for people who let chaos reign in their life.
I was so angry when I started out. I asked Jesus to take the anger and help me mourn. I still feel so tired. I am always tired. But I am not angry anymore. I am still a little sad but my friends are powerful women and God has them. They have overcome more than this. When we are done on this earth we will be with Jesus and that is a comfort.
I implore you to turn the news off today. You wont miss anything important. Find a quiet moment and be thankful for your loved ones, your home, your job…whatever comes to mind. If you think of someone who you know is struggling, say a prayer or send good thoughts, whatever your belief allows. Find some peace. It is not outside yourself, I promise you.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Amen
The Lord is with you always.
Dear Younger Me (and anyone who wants to read this),
I am writing this letter to you as a celebration. As I round the bend toward be alive 45 years, I realize how far I have come. I never thought I would live beyond 32 years old; I am not sure where I got that idea but it was something a 14-year-old version of myself believed. The last 13 years have been a bonus and that is how I look at every year now.
Although I know that I am not like everyone else, I do know that I am not totally original. I hope that if you’re reading this that you find hope for yourself here. I have been called many names, as you may know, our favorite is wife and Auntie Summer…some of the other names aren’t worth mentioning and a few of them haven’t happened yet.
You are loved by me. We are learning, to be still and know that God’s love is infinite and sustained by Him. We are learning, even as I write this, that you do not know all the answers but you will never find them by defining anyone but you. In reality, the answers you really want, will only be shown to you by God when you are able to hear Him.
Not making a choice is still making a choice. When you let things happen without action, you have actually made the decision to not act. When you were a kid, this may have been someone else’s fault; as an adult your decisions are your responsibility. All choices have reaction some are no big deal, some will leave scars for the rest of your life…or someone else’s. Do not be complacent. God hates that.
Make choices that affect your future in a good way. Take the promotion in a new city. If you are meant to be in Longview again…it will happen…Don’t skip on a new adventure because you are afraid to go alone. Even the people closest to you, may not be there forever, no matter how much you want them to be, so don’t short-change yourself.
You will never measure up, be enough, or be able save ANYONE. You are not like others because you were created to see the world and people differently. You were created to feel with others and hear what your spirit leads you to. You have been scared of this because it is confusing but I promise, if you lean into God, He is the best Father and teacher you could ever hope for. These truths are meant to lead to you prayer and love for God and those He has sent to you, however you will be blessed too.
Our standards do not take away anything, from anyone else. If other people think that our truth takes something away from them, they should work on that without us to interrupt them. On the flip-side, other people’s standards are great for them. If other people can trust that we accept that each of us must live our own truth, then we can be friends as long as they are peace-seeking people…
Your inability to reach other people’s standards or even your own, is not failure. At your age, (I am considering my 17-year-old self) you may think this is criticism because that is what you know. What it actually is, if you can hear me, is the ticket to your freedom. When you embrace that you will never be what your family or friends want you to be, or that you will never be what the media or what you imagined was perfect, you can drop the veils you surround yourself with. You can stop working so hard to make others happy. You can let the words that you choose to accept from yourself and from others, that burn your soul, become like water on a duck’s back. You can become who God made you to be. Just yourself.
You can forgive. I know you think it is useless because when you forgive the people that hurt you, they just do it again but that is because you don’t understand that forgiveness does not change other people; it only changes you. You can start letting go of the old sadness and anger…it will take you a long time, so why not start now…I am still working on it. You will have more painful times but it is ok to give yourself time to feel your feelings and learn from them. When you hold the pain forever it becomes toxic and makes you bitter and sick. Just remember God never gave anyone the right to hurt you…but He loves the people that hurt you too…
You can choose who you spend your time with. Let the people who do not edify or lift you up, go…even those that you rely the most on. If they really love you, they will fight to come back. They will learn how you need to be loved and prove themselves worthy. It may take years for them to understand, heal, forgive, stop being afraid, and understand what you need, but they will succeed at being better so you can feel safe around them when they are ready to build a relationship with the actual you. Yes, you are hyper-sensitive, it might be easier to love other people who are not easily triggered by bright lights, sounds, smells and emotions but you are worthy of people that don’t take advantage of that. You can’t make people love you, regardless of how hard you try and conforming does not feed your spirit.
Trauma is relative to each person. Trauma is not always planned out acts. When you are hyper-sensitive what hurts you might not hurt other people. Also other people may not realize they have their own trauma that needs healing. “We are all equally scary people,” as Karen says. If you can’t stop bleeding all over someone, take care of your wounds before you infect someone else. When you feel like you can try with someone again, be prepared to be rejected, but hope for the best. God is healing them too and their process may be different then yours.
Although it has been drilled into your head that you are too fat or too something…to have the life you want, you must try to break those bad tapes. They are lies. Everything you really want will come true. The good and the bad things you want will happen because you are a spiritually powerful woman and God honors our words. Foster the good dreams and protect yourself from situations that make you want the bad. Your dreams will not look like what you thought they would…but God will give you every desire of your heart in His time and own way. When you feel hopeless, think about this until you can push forward again.
Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. You will have to do this often. Standing up for yourself doesn’t have to mean fighting with people who like to fight. Sometimes standing up for yourself is walking away and letting people fight without you until they are ready to stop. It doesn’t make you wrong to decide to choose peace. It doesn’t mean they are bad or take anything away from them, except your presence and permission to be abused by their choices, or allowing them to be abused by your anger and resentment. They may not be trying to hurt you. They may not understand what you need. They may not be able to hear you when you ask for peace. They may not even know they are fighting and competing all the time. If they want to join you, they will change. It is ok to let people go if they are never ready to choose peace. You are not alone. God is with you always and He will never leave…accept for that week after you told Him to, “Fuck off.” If you haven’t got there yet, don’t worry, before the words can come out of your mouth, He will be back…that was the loneliest week of our life….but He is always present.
Advocate for yourself. Don’t be afraid to go to doctors, specialists and therapists. If they don’t hear you or if they are wrong, make sure you are heard. Remember you are different. Teach them that even though you don’t know how to fight for you, you are willing to learn. If they can’t answer your questions, find someone who can. Don’t be afraid of the pills that you need to be healthy. Learn about them. Learn what you can do to not need some of them. Be patient with yourself, like no one has been with you. It will take time but you will find the exercise, medications, foods and self-care it takes to quiet the storm that is inside you…some of your issues are related to your mental and physical health. It is not your fault. It just is part of your path.
Your gender, sexuality and identity are just fine. It is not bad to talk about them or seek out your truth. Even though you have been taught (or not taught) otherwise, you are beautiful just the way you are, God knows you. He loves you. God made the real you. So here are our truths: Our gender is Cis Female. Our sexuality is Demisexual. Our mind is Androgynous but we enjoy representing ourself as Feminine.
Wait for a partner that wants us and loves us as much as we love them. If we love them or want them more than they love or want us, we will not be able to make up for their lack. Love and want are not related to need. Need is a misrepresentation of love which is what we really want. Remember…we will never measure up to anyone else’s standards…so wait for the one who loves us as close to the example that Jesus has shared with us. You wont even start to understand this until you are at least 25…that is ok. Nana was right when she taught us to not waste our affections…Be patient and work hard on yourself and don’t worry about being alone forever. You wont realize that that crazy friend that you have trusted and loved for 10 years is the one God made for you until we are 38…and even then you wont totally get it…
Here is a mind-blower! Your time is not God’s time. God’s time is not limited to our understanding. If you are tired. Stop and rest. If you wear yourself out, who will be you? Let me tell you…I didn’t focus on you when I was young and had more energy and less pain. At this point, sometimes it takes all the energy I have to accomplish is our self-care. I am not talking about make up and hair…although we do enjoy trying new styles…What you look like on the outside is nothing if you don’t have peace and love for yourself. Get that couch off your back. Find time to think and feel. Do what makes you happy. Dig in the dirt. Read. Learn…this is your favorite thing to do!
Accept your feelings so you can heal, grow and love yourself. You don’t hate people; you hate yourself. You want to die, but you haven’t learned how to live. Spend more time learning how to love yourself so you don’t fall back on manipulating people.
No one owes you a thing but if they don’t treat you the way you want to be treated, it might be because they are seeing how you treat yourself or their way is the best they know. If their way is not helping you, then decide how much energy you want to give them. Give yourself the love you need…lean into God. He knows what He has planned for you.
Accept that you are just as guilty as you judge others to be. Every time you hurt, be honest about the situation. Did you manipulate them? Did you lie to them? Did you ignore them? Maybe your actions require repentance…which means confession, forgiveness and change on your part. You can’t change anyone but yourself…If you changed and they didn’t then decide how much of your time you will keep giving them.
I have noticed that when I share my viewpoints, sometimes, people respond as though I am challenging them to a fight. I have been asking God how I can better communicate with people. I want people to understand that most of what I say is my opinion. I stand by my opinions but I am also fluid with them once I have heard enough evidence to change them. When I voice my opinions or share my stories and experiences, I am not looking for a fight, but a discussion. Discussion allow for communication, understanding and growth. Fighting allows for noise and pain. I am trying to learn out how to speak to people so they know, I am still in the process of learning not to judge them or fight with them. When I share my thoughts and experiences it is for the purpose of growth on my part, and their part, if they are interested. Hearing people tell me no, or that I am wrong in a way that is kind and direct is welcome. I am waiting on God for His answer…it will take as much time as it takes for me to be able to hear the answer…but I have chewed on questions for years without an answer before. If I die before I hear Him…it wont be an issue anymore. 🙂
With all the interesting viewpoints, facts and feelings there are to experience enjoy your favorite thing. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep loving and make sure you love yourself first. It isn’t selfish, like we were taught. The extra love will overflow on the right people.
I am so thankful to God for coming to us when we were a little girl. I remember that day so clearly. We were 5-years-old, I was playing in my backyard, under the apple trees and suddenly we weren’t alone anymore. It was just that simple. We were baptized 2 years later because the church we went to needed to feel certain that we knew what we were talking about. Church has been a part of our life for as long as I can remember, but part of the problem is that I don’t remember everything. Trauma can do that to a person. At this point we don’t go to church because I am selfish with my Sundays. I also know distinctly that a church that is labeled affirming, is made of people who don’t know what to do with me and my wife. Change is a process. I know that we will be ready to try other churches eventually. We all have our process, don’t we?
Wherever you are in your process, do what you can to grow and enjoy life. Love yourself and God will love others through you. I wish you well.
Sincerely,
Summer
The following article is an editorial. This article is not meant to be fact but my own personal thoughts. Today we are all in pain. God bless your American Heart, we are in mourning, in my opinion, and the anger and fear of what might happen next is very understandable. In the last 5 months, we Americans, and the rest of the world have been through something most of us have only read about in books. On top of all this, politically, our country has been beat about the head and heart for so long…no matter what you believe politically, it is a general consensus, from my viewpoint, that we have become set on opposing lines and the ones who scream the loudest are painting a very stressful picture. (more…)
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I feel like my whole life I have been fighting. Fighting to be heard. Fighting to be seen. Fighting with