There Are Many Ways to Stand

This weekend I was accused of being a pacifist by someone I consider a child. Not that they weren’t of adult age but they were in their early 20’s, they have never had a job because they are disabled and they still live with their parents. I remember being in my 20’s I thought I knew a lot. I knew some, but I didn’t know what I know now, which is, I know a little more and asking questions is the best way to make sure you understood what someone meant, listening is the best way to hear the whole comment and not speaking at all is sometimes wise. I never could ask this person about themselves because they shouted at me each time I spoke, even though I was talking about myself. I was very confused. But there are many ways to stand.

We were talking about police and it was clear that they did not like the police. They could not understand my stance. I have had little experience with the police but my few experiences were fine. I respect the police. I believe that it is our responsibility to remain calm when dealing with the police. I don’t know what they just dealt with. I don’t need to trigger them, even if I think they stopped me for no reason; which I have never experienced. Since I have training in trauma de-escalation it is my responsibility to use it, even when dealing with the police. I use it with every chance I need to. When people are yelling, I don’t believe they are communicating well. I don’t believe that it is the police officer’s responsibility to make me choose good behavior.

I should mention that the person was part of a group of people who all joined in, it was quite shocking to me; I have never understood group think. I am suddenly being told about systemic racism and male superiority…blah blah blah…Hello! We live in Longview, Washington. That is everywhere, not just at the police station. Eventually I stopped talking because I don’t believe in arguing with people that can’t or wont let me finish my sentences. But that accusation stuck with me. The look on their faces when I had told them that I had just spent the week reading about Gandhi and I just didn’t believe we needed to start out situations fighting…I felt really pushed out.

I have given a lot of thought to that experience. Not everyone thinks the way I do. Not everyone is blessed with the time I have had to be in therapy and to study the bible and be with God as much as I have. Not everyone has been able to read the books I have that have helped me. A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson really answered a question I have had for most of my life: The meaning of life is to unlearn fear and relearn to love. It fit in what was already in my heart. It made sense. Not going to church regularly for the last 20 years has been a blessing because church politics really slows down the process of knowing Jesus. Many people don’t know there is value in these things to even aspire to them.

We are all hurting people. We all have our traumas. The people I was talking to have been hurt. Unlike myself, who didn’t know I was queer until I was almost 40, these people knew their whole lives and they have been shut out, put down and abused by our community. They have had to fight and defend themselves, for being themselves, for years. This is what they know. I understand this for being female and fat and now disabled, but it has only been the last 8 years that I have learned that it is also like this when you are queer and black and sometimes when you have a cat…That is what I felt in my spirit when I was considering my experience. Until we learn to communicate in a different way, we fight. It is just like this for gay people. I have experienced this in lots of situations with people who have experienced trauma.

I think differently because I don’t rely on newspapers and television to feed my mind. I choose positive music, books and people to talk to; I choose my news media very carefully. I talk to God all the time and He loves everyone and He shows me how to have compassion and see other perspectives. I am blessed because I can stand with Him and know I am never alone. It is easy for me to choose peace first.

After coming to peace with the people I had thought were my adversaries but were really hurt people, defending themselves, I wanted to make sure I understood the word Pacifism. I used to throw it around carelessly when I was a young woman but I have learned to not be careless with my words if I can help it.

Pacifism is a commitment to peace and an opposition to violence. Some people who aspire to pacifism believe specifically that war is wrong and that pacifism should also be used to promote social justice and human rights. Gandhi often used the word Ahimsa along with pacifism which some say is like love in action. When I read his autobiography, the best way I understood him was to say it was a perfect love and non-violence. But Gandhi is not the only voice that has told me about being a peacemaker. Jesus spoke of being a peacemaker on the Mount of Olives in Matthew, Chapter 5; Jesus said peacemakers are blessed.

There are 5 Types of Pacifism:

    1. Absolute Pacifism
      An absolute pacifist believes that it is never right to take part in war. Their view is that the value of human life never justifies killing a person deliberately, even in self-defence.
    2. Militant Pacifism
      Militant pacifists will use every peaceful method at their disposal to oppose violence and war. This may include civil disobedience which may result in imprisonment or even death.
    3. Conditional Pacifism
      Conditional pacifists are against war and violence in principle, but they accept that there may be circumstances when war may lead to less suffering.
    4. Selective Pacifism
      Selective pacifists only oppose wars involving weapons of mass destruction (nuclear, chemical or biological weapons) because of their uniquely devastating consequences to not only humans, but to all living things. Large scale use of weapons of mass destruction also raises the prospect of the annihilation of humans as a species.
    5. Active Pacifism
      Active pacifists advocate peace and argue against violence and war.

According to these precepts I believe that the last three are true for me; Conditional, Selective and Active Pacifism are all true for me but not only in war but in every day life. As someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder I am more sensitive than some people and I don’t need a trigger. That is not anyone’s responsibility but my own but because I feel so much I see that we hurt each other so easily. Yelling is violence. Calling names is violence. Refusing to put down our phones and look at each other is neglect. Not letting someone finish their sentence and attacking them before you have heard their whole thought is abuse. We don’t think about these things because we see on TV that people are dismissive, selfish and covetous all the time so we think this is acceptable. It is but it is not beneficial to our health.

The bible says that all things are permissible but not everything is good for us (1 Corinthians 10:23). War is a good way to make money but is it good for life and Godliness? It is good for our mental health and relationships? I do believe that we live in a world of humans and humans require war sometimes. War is unavoidable at times but when I say war I am talking at many levels.

I can always tell when families yell at each other. Their kids scream and their dogs bark uncontrollably. Families that practice listening to each other, speaking kindly, listening to each other, asking questions and making time for conversation have children that are patient and dogs that can wait.

When you are angry with me if you come at me accusing me, I promise you, I will be triggered and I wont hear you because I too have my own trauma experiences. But if you come to me, calmly, and tell me I hurt your feelings we will have a conversation where we will both grown.

If you can remain calm when you are dealing with a police officer, speak kindly, do what you are told, even if you are feel disrespected, your chances of going home are higher than if you are over react or feel like you have to defend yourself now. You can sue them later. I believe there are more good police officers than bad ones; but they are human and they make mistakes, they get tired and they have bad days just like we all do. We all have a responsibility to each other. It is no one’s responsibility to control my behavior but my own and I plan to remain calm and help anyone, if I can, to remain calm too.

In times when war must happen I feel it should be swift and just. Our current situation with Ukraine has me torn. I hear from a friend that knows people that have lived there that the president is not an honest man, that what we are being told is not the truth, that although Putin is not a good man, he is not the devil he has been portrayed as either. This pains my heart. But then I look at media from other countries and it seems to say similar to what the United States media says. This is the confusion that hurts my heart. Because I know that as we pour money into assisting the Ukrainian people, we are hurting United States citizens. We are not unable to tighten our belts and help our neighbor, that is part of war but I really hope that we are helping an honorable cause because I do understand that there are things we are not privy to that may also be true for these people with ties to Ukraine that my friend knows. I can’t help think about how many nukes are in the area and how many people could be hurt. I don’t understand why we have tools of war like that. If we kill everybody, it doesn’t matter who has the power…

…isn’t that the reason that some people terrorize others, whether it is calling names, treating them poorly or killing them, for power? If that is power, I want to stand a different way. I believe in freedom; freedom of choice, speech, religion, to love who you love, to pursue happiness…The only power I want is to be able to choose to control myself.

Read More:

~

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.

If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

 

Revive me, O Lord, for Your name’s sake!

3 For the enemy has persecuted my soul;  He has crushed my life to the ground; He has made me dwell in darkness, like those who have long been dead.
4 Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is distressed.
5 I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Your works; I muse on the works of Your hands.
6 I spread out my hands to You; My soul longs for You like a thirsty land. Selah
7 Answer me speedily, O Lord: My spirit fails! Do not hide Your face from me, lest I be like like those who go down into the pit.
8 Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift my soul to You.
9 Deliver me, O Lord, from my enemies; In You I take shelter.
10 Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; Your Spirit is good.
11 Revive me, O Lord, for Your name’s sake! For Your righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble.
Psalm 143:3-11

This has been a hard week.

I have thought about writing but decided to do my bible study before I wrote and each time decided I would put it off because I was not right and I didn’t want to write the wrong thing. Knowing when to not say anything is wisdom too.

Today I found the scripture that captured how I have felt and still feel a bit. I am so thankful that God is so faithful! He is so patient and helpful when we keep pushing into Him for guidance and healing.

I can see now that I set myself up for failure. I can blame no one but myself.

I chose to get my final COVID-19 booster on Saturday. I have been exhausted and my arm has been in more pain that I remember from most immunizations but Frankincense and Peppermint have proven to be the best helper.

I chose to visit a church that was an offshoot of a church I have been to before that I know has cult-like beliefs. I wanted to believe they would be different. They have amazing worship but their teachings are not entirely biblical. I know this. I was hurting a lot and I wanted to be healed even though God has told me that no one would ever be allowed to prophesy over me or heal me. I let them anyway and brought home someone’s spiritual junk.

My neurologist has been adjusting my anti-convulsants, hoping to address my Trigeminal Neuralgia with a medicine we are currently using to control my migraines. It seems to affect my moods until my body is used to the new dosage. I can see and feel this. I should stay off Facebook while we do this but I chose to become part of a conversation I should have stayed out of. Instead, a comment I made that was not fully thought about became a huge thing and one of my sibling’s adult children used a comment they used to use to hurt me. I am glad I showed restraint in my response because the next day when I looked at their comment again, I realized they were being 20 years old and not being malicious.

But PTSD had taken hold of me.

This comment had done its damage and they might as well have sliced me in two so I could have had Karen G Clemenson send pictures to my oncologist to see if my cancer was still there. I have been fighting with old feelings all week. Forgiving was painfully hard and didn’t seem to be working like usual. The pain would not go away. It has been very hard to function but I have succeeded to do my workouts on most days, do my bible studies, get laundry done and cook healthy meals…not much more.

I have worked though a lot of things and God reminded me that I don’t have to visit any churches this coming weekend so I can rest a bit more from the stress I caused myself and be able to enjoy some time with Karen on her days off. He never did say I had to join a church, that is something I crave. A family, but I have issues with family and He isn’t done working on me…

One thing that was a turning point for me this week, that really helped me stop focusing so much on my pain was the miracle that Jamie has found a doctor that will help her with her collapsed lung. You can learn more about what she is going through in her article called Update on June Goal! Jamie Holloway has been my best friend and sister for many years and I love her so much. When I need someone to listen or tell me the truth she is always there to listen and pray. She knows my heart, doesn’t feel the need to be defensive with me, and knows me better than most people so her struggle with getting enough oxygen hurts my heart. I pray every day that God heal her lungs and throat. I admire her strength and determination to have the best life she can even in the most scare circumstances.

So…I choose to forgive myself for putting too much on my plate and expecting too much out of myself and setting myself up for failure and I trust myself to the Holy Spirit that loves me and wants to see me whole by the grace of God. Amen

~

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

Life Being Beautiful

I find it interesting that I can learn something from any situation if I look hard enough. There is always a message. For instance the last novel I read, The Lost Apothecary by Sarah Penner, got me to think about my bosom friend and how she has spoken life into me and helped me to not give up on what makes me really happy. The other night my wife and I went out to a public place for dinner for the first time since COVID-19 and it was so inspiring. I saw many lovely people and saw life being beautiful there too. The picture above is from last night. We were glad to hear our friend Jeff Hamilton play his great music and get a picture with him afterwards.

Life is not without struggle. It is meant to be that way. That is how we learn and grow. But there is also moments of joy and peace and we must enjoy those times too. When I got sick in 2014, I never thought it would take this long to get to where I am now, I never thought I would only be this far on my wellness journey, I didn’t even really know what a wellness journey was. There are parts of me I lost back then that are not going to come back and I am glad. They were not the best parts of me. They didn’t serve me or anyone else to their growth. But there were parts of me that I needed and I have missed them and I thought I would never have them back.

I can’t tell you how happy I am to have my migraines more under control than ever. Even knowing that I have always had them is helpful. To not know you are in pain is a different kind of struggle. But to learn how to live without that constant pull and strain in your body is a special kind of peace. The ability to pay attention and focus again has given me the ability to feed my brain positive things when I desperately need it. I had been able to handle my small bible studies but now I can go longer and I can read books that inspire me and lift me up when Veda is here or I am bored. When I was a child, I always had a book on me. So reading is something I have always enjoyed and something I really missed. I come from people who read. This was normal to me; not what I had become. Not being able to read probably fed Veda’s visits more and made me more unhappy with my possible future but now I can go on adventures my body could never go on and my brain can be fed and I am happy.

Part of the journey that the character, Caroline, was on in The Lost Apothecary, that her friend helped her see was that she had buried away what she really wanted to do. My own best bosom friend and sister, Jamie Holloway has done for me what I have done for her this same way. Years ago I built JamieChasesButterflies.com for her to write whatever she wanted to write. I knew she needed to communicate and I knew how to build websites. Through the years she has flourished and her writing has improved, while her communication has soared. She too encouraged me to build a blog for myself. It didn’t make sense for me at the time. I couldn’t read and I was anxious after being online too long so it took a long time for me to listen to her but eventually it helped me to have a place where I could collect a lot of my writings from many online platforms. As I have been able to focus, my blog is something I write in several times a week. It is something I need to do. Writing is something I need to do.

I was talking to my wife, Karen G Clemenson, about that yesterday and she agreed that out of all my hobbies, writing was something she could see that I need to do. It brings me more joy and peace. I still enjoy cooking and it is a practical thing to do to feed my family. I still enjoy crocheting and I will still work on projects as long as my hands hold out. I love to sing but my voice is big I tend to keep it to myself while we live in multi-family dwellings so I don’t bother people…but writing is something I can do and love to do and have always loved to do and reading, well it just seems to make it easier to get words out when I have fed so many words into my brain.

The other night Karen and I went to the Broadway Barrel Room on 14th Ave and Commerce in Longview, Washington. It was previously known to local Longviewites as Cassava. The service was absolutely amazing! They didn’t really change the decor much from the previous owners except for the bar, but it is still gorgeous in there. Great for live music! It was great to see the live musicians. It had been so long since we had been able to enjoy this!

Live music was performed by Matt Smith, Judah Young, Erik Nordin, Jeff Hamilton and the Broadway Boyz.

I have been friends with Jeff Hamilton for years and I remember when I first saw him perform at an open mic at Evangel Christian Fellowship, over 20 years ago. He was this gangly kid but when he sang he came to life. I had never seen anyone play the guitar the way does up to that point. I had never seen anyone show his heart the way he does when he performs and he has only gotten better. The real joy of this show is that his real heart, is not to be a big fancy famous star but a teacher. I watched him giving inspiration to the young musicians, showing them his way of being comfortable sharing between songs, touching the crowd, giving himself to the music and the onlookers, making jokes, talking about the songs he had written for his children, enjoying the children in the room and encouraging them to join him in songs they knew. I would say that people are Jeff’s inspiration but music is his tool.

The cool thing about going out in public is that you get opportunities to react to people and interact with them. I loved the way a lady in the restroom needed to share with me how touched she was by the children singing with Jeff. I also found people to pray for. I didn’t ask them. They didn’t ask me but I could see they could use it so I silently interceded for them. I guess that is what I do too. I pray for people.

Jeff mentioned that I do a lot and I used to do a lot. Now I go a lot slower than I did before I got sick. I didn’t plan on living to be old. I didn’t want to. I figured I wasn’t going to marry or have children so I needed to leave a legacy another way. I worked hard until I got too sick. Somewhere in all that being sick God changed my mind. Now I want to be 80 years old some day and I am still thinking positive about being a mother and grandmother. I have been a wife for over 8 years now and I enjoy it. I have learned to choose peace and joy more than ever and my life is better all the time because God has helped me see the good and focus on that.

Jeff was correct though. Prayer is important. I do it every day and I do it whenever I feel it needs to be done. He too has helped me find a quiet in myself that wasn’t there before. Some of us have to work hard to find peace and joy and he and I have that in common. There are many gifts in life, mostly people that help make life being beautiful.

~

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

Happy Independence Day from me and who I Used to be..

Today is an important day for The United States. Today is the day we celebrate our Independence Day from oppression and whether or not you feel as though we free from oppression, we are more free today than we have been and some of the lack of freedom we feel now is more in our mind than in actuality. We should stop at think about that for a moment and be thankful. That is a big statement but in reality, at least in my reality it is a true statement.

I Used to be a Person Who Thought She Hated People

When I was 20 years old I got a job at Lane Bryant in the Three Rivers Mall. Within a month, I was excited to be promoted to a co-manager position. I was an angry young woman. I had a lot I needed to deal with that I didn’t even have words for but I felt as if the black sticker with white letters in all caps that said I HATE PEOPLE said it all. I put it on my locker thinking how proud I was to be able to communicate my feelings. Almost immediately my boss made me take it down, so I put it inside my locker. Next she offered to write me up if I didn’t get rid of it. We worked in a job that relied on serving people. I was a leader and how was I supposed to lead people if they thought I hated them. I had never thought about that before. I have never forgot that conversation.

Since then I have been through a lot. A lot of therapists. A lot of medications. A lot of relationships. A lot of life experiences and you know what? I don’t hate people. I love them. I was scared of them. I was scared of me. I was scared of the truth. I was scared of life.

I was raised by a single parent that had their own issues. They deserve a shirt full of medals considering all the barriers they were having to overcome: mental illness without names, proper treatments or health insurance to cover any of it, having little to no help from their ex-spouse, having their own shortcomings…I could go on but I am sure you get the idea. My family is intelligent, hard-working and generous but they are far from perfect; there are layers of dysfunction that go back for generations even though each generation gets better.

I was taught to be afraid of everything. So I was.

But you know what? Remembering that the point of life is to learn to love and to overcome fear really helps. Forgiving myself and the people that have hurt me, even if I don’t know them, really helps. God did not tell me to save the world. The world is His and He has already overcome the world. He told me to be of good cheer (John 16:33). What I am supposed to do is let Him change my mind and as He does that I will change the world through my interactions with others.

Being angry and afraid all the time only makes me sick and tired and then I am useless. So I pray for the situations that make me feel angry, afraid, sad and even happy and wait to see if I am supposed to do anything else. Sometimes I am supposed to write something; maybe for my own good or for the good of someone who might benefit from reading what I have learned. God told us to focus on whatever is true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8) beating a dead horse because we are angry is not going to bring the dead horse back. Beating up a dead animal is also just going to mess up our look and who wants to look like that?…

I Used to be a Person Who Wanted to Die

Depression may be part of my natural chemical make up but it could have been a learned trait too. The parent that raised me was depressed a lot and often felt as though death was an option. I don’t believe they ever acted on it but it was a regular thought. There are a lot of behaviors I have had to unlearn as an adult that I learned growing up. Children raised by a mentally ill parent are often taught the coping skills of their parent as normal. They either have the same mental illness or they have learned behaviors. I do not have the same mental illness as my parent. I have been able to unlearn some of the unhealthy coping skills I was raised with with a lot of therapy, prayer and will power. But it took me moving away and a good friend telling me my behavior was not normal for me to realize that people didn’t melt into a puddle in the hallway without the ability to function or move when they were overwhelmed for me to start looking at my behaviors.

I spent most of my extra time in high school, when I wasn’t in classes, working my 3 part time jobs or chauffeuring my siblings around or cleaning or cooking, studying child abuse and the Holocaust. I am not sure why but I was infatuated. I am sure this was part of the reason I was so depressed. It probably didn’t help. I remember the first time I really wanted to die. I had a pair of old hair cutting scissors in my hand. I was going to shred my wrist. I had been crying and praying. I was on my knees on the floor. I had the scissors in my right hand. As my right hand moved toward my left wrist I felt a hand grab my right wrist and hold tight. I literally could not move my right arm. It held me tight until I fell into more sobs onto the floor. I was alone. I knew that was the hand of God.

I was suicidal off and on from the age of 16 until I was about 25 regularly. But each time I felt it come on I thought about who would find me and what that would do to them. Even though I was miserable I knew that killing myself would hurt other people and I didn’t want to do that. I had a friend that attempted suicide several times and it hurt me so bad that she would be so selfish that at one time I told her if she wanted to die so bad, give me a call and let me do it. I didn’t really want to kill her, I just wanted her to know how badly it hurt me. It never stopped her from attempting.

Every now and then I have a moment where I feel that panic but it is very rare and usually it is triggered by a big stressor. I tell my wife, Karen G Clemenson, and my sister, Jamie Holloway, about it and they pray for me and we talk. I don’t want to die anymore but it is good to have support. I am not afraid to die but I don’t need to facilitate it. Since I named my depression, Veda, it doesn’t seem to have the same power over me. I announce that Veda is here and she doesn’t seem to stay long. I am still in control.

I Used to be a Person That Didn’t Know What I Wanted

I was 35 years old before I occurred to me that I didn’t know what I wanted. I had always been told what I wanted. If my ideas were not accepted at home, they were stupid. I didn’t like being told that so I stopped talking and just put my head down and went to work. But I didn’t know how to do anything but go to work. The problem with that was that I had had to move back home and I really needed to leave but I just didn’t know how to make that happen. When you don’t have a vision you can’t make it happen.

I had tools and knowledge but I was still very afraid.

I am so happy that I have more tools and more knowledge and I have overcome many more fears. I don’t have all the answers yet. I am sure I never will but I know that I want to live in world that thrives in honesty and authenticity. In my world it is ok to say I am not ok today. It is acceptable to warn people that I might snap at them and I am not angry at them but my head really hurts. In my world it is ok to cancel plans because you are not well enough to do them. It is ok to say no. It is ok to choose to not become friends with someone because they need more than you can give or not give your cell phone number out to people that don’t understand that you have a phobia of the phone and they can’t not abuse the privilege of having your number. In my world a discussion isn’t a fight because I don’t like to fight but I do like to know what you think so I know your boundaries better and what is a safe topic to talk about and I want to be able to set safe topic boundaries with you as well.

I naturally want to be a protector. I have thrown myself in front of a lot of people to my detriment and I am learning to choose more wisely when to do that. I am learning better how to protect myself because that is a person that I didn’t protect well in the past. But protecting is different than hiding. Hiding is for people who are afraid. Protecting is for people that are making healthy decisions and I want to be that person.

When I was a child I wanted to be wife and mother, a teacher, a singer and dancer. When I became an adult I wanted to be a web designer, business owner, a good wife and a grandmother. I have in one way or another been everything but a mother and grandmother. Good writer…well that is a perspective and I am writing most days so I guess I am working on it. My wife tells me I am a good wife and she is the one I should ask. So we will keep working on finances and we will head toward fostering and see what happens along the way. God has amazing ways of making families and He always gives us our heart’s desire.

I Used to a Person That Was Less Free

As I have set down fears and picked up more love, learned to forgive more easily and let life happen without worrying about what I can’t control (as much) I feel so much more free. I wanted to be Wonder Woman when I was growing up. I thought I could save the world but now I just want to grow and influence those around me for the better, as God wants me to.

Now I know at a more deeper level that God is the Wonder and I am just one of His kids and I am happy with that. When He wants to use me for a miracle, I am available but I have come to realize that miracles are often not huge, but small and significant wonders that mean a whole heck of a lot to someone if they are looking for them.

You are a miracle. The fact that you read this is a miracle. I hope it blessed you. I know what I was going to write was not this and then God reminded me who I am today. You see holidays tend to remind people with traumatic pasts who they used to be and I woke up thinking I was back there until His still small voice reminded me that we had worked through a lot of that I am here now and I live in a much more peaceful and joyful time and I have chosen forgiveness so many times so I don’t need to relive my trauma anymore. I need to remind myself how strong I am and how far He has brought me.

Today is my Independence Day. I hope it is yours too.

~

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

Book Review: The Watchmakers by Harry Lenga and Scott Lenga

I loved the book, The Watchmakers by Harry Lenga and Scott Lenga, and devoured all 262 pages in one afternoon. I simply could not put it down. There was also a glossary, sources and endnotes that I used and or skimmed as needed. I have to admit this book sat for 3 days because I was afraid to pick it up. I had spent my entire high school years researching the Holocaust and I know the depth of evil that can be in humanity. Learning about the Holocaust and the level of depravity at literally every level: mental, emotional, physical that the Nazi regime used to control a nation and erase over 6 million people makes it easy to imagine any evil on the earth. I don’t say that to take away from any other people group. It is just a fact. Nothing that has happened to any other people group didn’t happen to the Jews during the Holocaust in calculated fashion, yet amongst the hate, filth and depravity there is the beautiful part of humanity: in the midst of the worst some of us are able to come together in love and hold each other up.

This book is written by Scott Lenga, yet he lovingly used interviews and memories of his father, Harry Lenga’s stories and tried to keep the story in his father’s voice. Three brothers: Maileckh, Moishe and Khil had humble beginnings as poor Jewish sons of a watchmaker that honored the religious traditions of his faith.

“For the rest of my life, I resented my father’s readiness to give charity to other people despite the immediate and cruel expense to our family. But it was the religious discipline and poverty that would later translate into valuable survival skills when I needed them during the war. My father’s true reward for his suffering and his commitment to charity was not the two zlotys (Polish currency worth .01) from a strange customer but rather that his four sons would survive the Shoah (Holocaust).” Harry Lenga, Chapter 2

Khil was outgoing and able to speak to many people. He enjoyed his studies and also enjoyed learning to repair watches with his father. There were other opportunities for Khil to learn other trades but he felt his father was an excellent and patient teacher. These things he learned from his father’s workbench would later save his life and the lives of his brothers in the darkest days.

As the Germans were taking over different parts of Poland the brothers traveled from their home in Koshnitz to Warsaw, Poland looking for work. The older brothers were learning to cut leather for shoes, while Khil continued to practice his trade and become better at it under the help of other watchmakers. Soon the Germans were in Warsaw and Khil was summoned to the Parliament building.

“Looking back on it now, It’s unbelievable what happened in that room in the Parliament building. If a Polish guy wanted to beat up a Jew, he would yell at you first. He would call you “dirty Jew” or “Christ killer” or something like that. He would beat you only after he made himself angry. But those German guys were not even angry. They didn’t call me dirty Jew or any other name. They were completely  without emotion, without rakhmunes (compassion), without anything. Even when they saw the blood on me, it didn’t affect them. It was just their job, and they are enjoying it. The guy at the typewriter had been laughing. For him, it was entertainment, a comedy. They were doing those beating the whole day, one after another.” Harry Lenga, Chapter 4

Because the address on his identification card had been bombed he was safe for some time before he was found so he didn’t have to leave immediately. He was able to work a bit longer before going home. With the help of a friend he was able to sneak out of the Warsaw Ghetto and get home to his family without being killed.

He was happy to see his family although it wasn’t long before one of his father’s trusted friends let him know that he needed to send his sons away if he wanted them to live. Mikhoel Lenga sent his 3 sons away with as many watchmaking tools and parts as they could carry, which served them well. By morning the boys’ father was picked up and taken to Treblinka.

Treblinka was an extermination camp. More Jews were killed at Treblinka than any other extermination camp except Auschwitz. The Germans only set up extermination camps in Poland. In Poland 2.7 million people were murdered by asphyxiation with poisonous bass or by shooting. – Chapter 6

“We three brothers made a pact between us that whatever happened to one would happen to all of us. If one got taken to be killed, we all wanted to be killed. If we saw a chance to save each other, we had to try…and we did.” Harry Lenga, Chapter 7

There was a theme where the brothers, especially Khil, had to be brave enough to ask for help. Always willing to give what they had for their brother, but always willing to ask for what they needed.

“We worked hard to keep hope in our minds and not to become meshuga (crazy). And the more you talked yourself into it the more you believed in that hope. If a hungry person believes that he’ll find something to eat later, he can last longer. If he thinks, It’s pointless  and I won’t survive, he dies faster. I saw it happen many times. Pessimism is a terrible sickness. You destroy yourself. You have to have optimism all the time.” Harry Lenga, Chapter 9

The three brothers: Maileckh, Moishe and Khil were together through 2 ghettos and several concentrations camps:

  • Warsaw Ghetto – Poland
  • Koshnitz Ghetto – Poland
  • Gorczycki Camp – Poland
  • Wolanow Slave Labor Camp – Poland
  • Starachowice Slave Labor Camp – Poland
  • Auschwitz-Birkenau Extermination Camp – Poland
  • Mauthausen Concentration Camp – Austria
  • Melk Concentration Camp – Austria
  • Ebensee Concentration Camp – Austria

Once they were freed the three brothers were reunited with their oldest brother. They are able to change their names and establish their own lives. Mailech changed his named to Marcel and moved to Paris. Moishe changed his name to Morris and moved to The United States. Khil changed his name to Harry, after Harry Truman and he also moved to The U.S.

All the brothers eventually married and had families and were able to be together for the wedding of one of their children before one brother died. Each one was a successful business owner. Scott wrote that he knew not to complain to his father about any thing. Most things Scott might find unpleasant were nothing compared to what his father had endured and could endure. He said that the blue tattoo on his arm was something he ever got used to seeing like a mole or a scar. Scott had great empathy for his father, living in an adopted culture that could not possibly understand him.

The atrocities that occurred during the Holocaust still happen today. Now we call it slavery, sex trafficking, child abuse, domestic violence, religious purification and many other names. Hate comes in many names. What can we do? Hold onto hope and share it loudly. When you see abuse, help where you can. Love fiercely. Persecution will always be there, choose peace and optimism knowing that if you get through this you can live another day to do better.

There were times that Harry had the ability to get revenge. He chose to let revenge be for someone else for his own peace. He understood that his revenge might be justified but by joining in the hate he would tear himself apart. When you join in the hate that is what you do.

I want to thank my sister, Jamie Holloway, for sharing this book with me. If you would like to read her book review you can find it at JamieChasesButterflies.com.

Buy your own copy of The Watchmakers: A Story of Brotherhood, Survival, and Hope Amid the Holocaust by Harry Lenga and Scott Lenga on Amazon.

~

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

I Love My New Neurologist

I can’t say I wasn’t just a little nervous yesterday about meeting my new neurologist but I can tell you after meeting Dr. Kathleen Parks at PeaceHealth in Vancouver, I love my new neurologist! You might recall from my posts: Medical Issues and I Believe in Miracles where I spoke about my terrible experiences with my first neurologist where I felt bullied and definitely not heard. That is not the case with Dr. Parks. She not only asked me questions, she let me answer them. She examined me, she touched me, watched me walk and gave great feedback.

She had read my chart and was prepared for me. She agreed that I have probably had migraines for most of my life. She heard me that I was seeing success with my current medications. She appreciated that I still have headaches but they are manageable. When she asked me about the Trigeminal Neuralgia symptoms I told her I was having a flair now, that flossing and brushing my teeth was very painful, sometimes eating and drinking was painful but most of my episodes were only 1-3 seconds since I had been on the medications for my migraines. She let me know that I would have to be medicated all the time for this and since one of the meds we are currently using to treat my migraines is an anti-convulsant and I am not taking the highest dose, she wanted to try to raise the dose a bit to see if that helps with my daily headaches and helps control the face pain too. I agreed that was a good idea.

Although my episodes are getting longer; I had one that as 5 seconds long while flossing my teeth today, I am going to wait to start adjusting my meds until Sunday because it is easier for me to remember when I made a change if I do it when I refill our pill sorters. Lucky for me, I am not driving right now and I don’t floss my teeth when I am driving anyway. LOL! That was my main concern because when the episodes are worse, I don’t see how I could drive because the pain is so excruciating I would not want to cause a car accident.

I am so thankful that my sister, Jamie Holloway, encouraged me to fight for me. I knew from my first meeting with my first neurologist that it wasn’t a good fit but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because people have bad days and maybe it would get better as we got to know each other, but it did not get better so I had to advocate for myself. Now I have a neurologist that I can tell cares about me and wants to help me have a better quality of life.

I am so thankful that I had a day with Karen too! Her new position as the Safety and Sanitation Officer at Safeway is really making her happy. It is the perfect job for her nervous energy and she gets to interact with every department which works well with her desire to be nosey and helpful too. Plus it is a job that can be done every day so it was helpful to us that she was able to get the day off yesterday and make it up on Saturday. We had a nice time driving to Vancouver and back and even got to take a family nap together which Xavier, our cat loved. I heard him purring as his Mama joined us.

~

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

Saying Goodbye

I had a friend that I considered more like family dump me over the weekend. it wasn’t the first time. They do this every 7 years or so, whenever I feel brave enough to ask for growth in our relationship. We have known each other for more years than we haven’t and gone through a lot together. I love them a lot.

I think that is why I tend to be the one that makes contact again after being dumped. I wait until I miss them and can’t stand it anymore. We stay casual and then fall into old habits. Eventually I feel like I am giving more and I say something and I get dumped.

The last time we reconnected, they actually contacted me on my birthday which made me cry because I was confused. I don’t remember what they did to disconnect from me that time, but I know it was painful because it took them a lot to get me to decide to give them another chance.

This has been the longest time we have stayed connected. Maybe it is because this time we are both married and live in different states, maybe it is because we are both being faithful to our mental health and we have healed a lot, but for whatever reason it has been nice.

Recently they came home for a visit and it was wonderful to see them! There was a peace in them I have never seen. I reveled in the healing they have found. I enjoyed the peace in myself too. Although we don’t agree on politics we could talk about other things and most conversations were fun and I thought everything was great. But then it wasn’t.

There was an issue that they brought up that I could not ignore. Not that I wanted to beat them up about it but I needed to be heard. I just needed them to know they hurt me. It was a short conversation. I told them how I felt. I told them how I wished they would have responded. Then I was done.

They got defensive.

I had hoped we could be grown ups. I mean we are almost 50 years old…

As the days went on. We had light conversations. Everything seemed fine but I knew they were going to dump me again. It probably showed in my last two blogs.

I have to remember what they said this time: I don’t want to know you.

Whether or not they meant to be abusive, which I am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt on because I know they have been through a lot in their life. I have to remember this because I have come to a place in my life where I no longer crave being rejected. Emotional neglect survivors at some level get used to this dynamic and create it in their lives and I don’t want to do this anymore.

I have prayed a lot for this person this weekend. I will continue to do so as they are on my heart, because that is what I do for people that are not in my life. Love doesn’t just die but relationships do. I will always love this person but I won’t let myself be rejected by them again.

So goodbye. I forgot to say that…

~

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

What Have We Done?

Yesterday was a big day for emotions. Many people happy and many people afraid or angry about the Supreme Court’s decision to revoke Roe v Wade. I consider myself a concerned citizen for people who live in states that do not leave room for humanity in a legal aspect but what got me thinking was a poll someone put up in a group I didn’t add myself to. I don’t even remember the question because it was so ignorant and one sided and I surely didn’t respond to it…but it did get me thinking. This is not a yes or no question. It is lots of aspects question, so many that one article wouldn’t be enough. But I am going to share a few questions I started thinking about because of that question, that I can’t remember besides What Have We Done?

When people don’t have the right to make the medical decisions that they feel they need to make, for their personal reasons and a child is born that they don’t want what happens? They are stuck with a child they don’t want. Now the beautiful thing about God is that most of the time the hormones He created to be running through a mother’s veins during the birthing process cause them to fall in love with their baby and the rest is a story of hard word and love but sometimes it isn’t.

How many children are in Foster Care in the United States?

According to the Children’s Bureau at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Administration for Children and Families (ACF) there were 407,000 children in foster care in The United State of America at the end of 2020. 117,000 of those children were waiting to be adopted as their parents had lost all legal rights to their children. These numbers were down from the previous year, with no clear reason, but still large.

In more recent numbers, according to iFoster, a nonprofit that helps assist in making sure that foster children have what they need to thrive while growing up in foster care, there are approximately 424,00 children in foster care nationwide. The number of children in foster care changes constantly and there are no two months or years that are the same.

The median age of children in foster care is 6 1/2 years old which has a huge impact on their cognitive and emotional development. Each year 20,000 young people age out of a system that is hugely underfunded. They often have not finished high school and have no chance at going to college. Within 4 years of aging out of the system, and no support system these young people often end up on government assistance or homeless.

How many children are being abused in the United States?

Before we can answer this questions we have to address what abuse is. There are 4 main types of abuse and neglect:

  • Physical Abuse: intentional physical force that results in an injury like hitting, kicking, shaking or burning.
  • Sexual Abuse: Pressuring or forcing a child to engage in sexual acts like fondling, penetration and exposing a child to other sexual activities.
  • Emotional Abuse: Behaviors that harm a child’s self-worth or emotional wellness like name-calling, shaming, rejecting, withholding love and threatening.
  • Neglect: Failure to meet a child’s basic physical and emotional needs like housing, food, clothes, education, access to medical care, validation of feelings and being appropriately responded to.

At least 1 in 7 children have experienced abuse or neglect in the last year in the United States. Since most cases are not reported, this number is probably larger.

In 2020 there were 618,399 reported cases of child abuse and neglect in the US.

In 2019 there were 4.4 million referrals involving alleged maltreatment of children to CPS agencies.

2/3 of all reports of alleged child abuse cases are by educational personnel, law enforcement and legal personnel, medical staff, social services, foster parents and daycare providers. Most other reports of child abuse come from friends, neighbors, relatives and anonymous reporters.

Children that have experienced abuse may have the immediate cuts, bruises and broken bones but they may also have emotional, psychological and cognitive difficulties throughout their life as well. As adults they may experience being a victim or perpetrator, substance abuse, STIs and difficulties finding employment.

In 2019, 29 states reported 877 unique cases of sex trafficking. Of these children, 88.5% were girls and 76.2% of all children were aged 14-17, some of these children were infants.

The top ten states for human trafficking are:

  1. Nevada
  2. Mississippi
  3. Florida
  4. Ohio
  5. Georgia
  6. Delaware
  7. California
  8. Missouri
  9. Michigan
  10. Texas

In 2019 38,625 infants in 47 states were referred to CPS as infants with prenatal substance exposure.

How many children are murdered each year in the United States?

In 2020, 1,750 children died of abuse and neglect in the United States of America.

In 2019, 1,840 children died due to abuse and neglect.

We Must Do Better

So unwanted children have it pretty hard. I have heard the same people who say abortion is evil complain about people on government assistance when the two are partners for a reason. Unwanted children grow up and tend to be adults that are unable to support themselves and have chronic conditions we as a society must continue to support, and the cycle continues.

The next thing I was concerned about is that clinics that offer abortions probably offer other services that are very important. in more rural areas, I am sure that these clinics are a God-send. But as funding is cut off to many clinics they will be closed down, making it harder for people to get the medical help they need.

What services are offered at abortion clinics?

Besides abortion services the following services may be offered at clinics:

  • Birth Control
  • General Health Care
    • Annual Exams (Pelvic and Breast)
    • Pap Smears
    • Screenings and Treatment for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome
    • Cancer Screenings: Breast, Cervical and Prostate
    • Screening & Referrals for Obesity, Diabetes and Dyslipidemia
    • Screening & Referrals for Mental Health Issues and Addictions
  • HIV services
  • Patient education
  • Pregnancy testing & services
  • STD testing, treatment & vaccines
  • Transgender Services
    • Hormone Therapy
    • Surgical Referrals for Gender Reassignment
    • Post-surgical Follow Up
    • Clerical Services

Where Do We Go From Here?

I know I could have gone deeper with my research. I know there is more information to know and to share. I just couldn’t keep going. These things make me sad and angry. I feel lucky that in Washington state we don’t have to worry about these things but I feel bad for people in states that aren’t honest about humanity. Texas is against abortion but they are the state with the highest rate of child abuse too. Over half of the states that are highest for sex trafficking also have laws against women’s rights to make medical decisions about their bodies.

In the end of all my reading I was most surprised by one thing…can you guess who the largest perpetrator of child abuse is? It is white mothers. The stats show that twice as many reported cases of child abuse are of white parents over black parents. Yet the media often portrays the bad guy with a black face. But that is a different blog…

I am going to keep praying. I hope you will too.

~

Read More At:

~

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

Honesty is More Important than Opinions

I was told by someone I have known most of my life that they don’t read my writing because our opinions are so far from each other that they feel if we had just met we wouldn’t choose to be friends now. I agree with them but that doesn’t stop me from loving them. That doesn’t stop me from mourning what I would hope for most, a relationship that was mature and equal.

I am in mourning. I had so hoped we could be honest with each other at some point in our relationship; or rather I could be honest with them. As it is a censor myself a lot, partially because we when talk they dump their life on me, I listen captivated, offer support, prayers, affirm their hard work and compliment their growth. When I have hurt their feelings, I apologize. I try to change my behavior. What I am surprised by is that with all their talking, they haven’t shared their “personal opinions” with me so I can know what I shouldn’t talk about when I do get a chance to talk. When it is my turn, I am interrupted by their busy life, their spouse and in-laws. Many times they just have to go and I sit there out of breath because I am exhausted.

I am writing this because I have been thinking about this for a long time. I want to be the same Summer all the time and it pains me that I have to censor myself with this person. I don’t get apologies or complements or affirmations from them. They don’t ask me why I think about things the way I do. I don’t believe that most of my opinions are the end all. I know I have a few trigger responses but most of my thoughts could at least be altered by a well-thought response. Not because I am wishy washy but because I understand there are truths that are truth for different people and my truth is not your truth.

Take for instance abortion. I am concerned that Roe v Wade was overturned by the Supreme Court. When I post messages in support of a woman’s right to choose it isn’t because I am for abortion, it is because I am supportive of a woman’s right to make decisions about her life. I am pro life and I believe that life doesn’t end at birth. God doesn’t create babies He doesn’t want. I believe this and I also know He knows the fate of all His children. He is with each of us at every stage of our life and He has grace for every moment. When people hear abortion they don’t always consider all of the reasons why a woman might consider an abortion. But God does. He knows and His grace is big enough for our humanity. He knows that some babies are dead before they are born. He knows that some women will die and maybe the baby too if that child is born. He knows the child that was conceived by a violent rape and the mother wants to die every time the child moves. He knows that if women don’t have safe options they will choose unsafe options and now we have two deaths. I am thankful that Washington state has laws that allow women to make human decisions because God gave us freedom of choice and He respects our choices. We don’t have to judge people for their choices. God will do that. He has that under control. Life is hard enough on this earth. Other states are not as thoughtful about humanity. That is my concern for those people. I pray that God creates ways for their humanity to be honored in their states too.

I am glad we live in a state that has strict background checks for guns. I have never owned a gun so I don’t understand the need for one, yet I respect people that do. I do believe that people that don’t register their guns should have consequences. I believe they should have some serious community service time if they are caught with an unlicensed gun, that has not been proven to be used in a violent crime. Three times and they should serve time. Why? Because if you are not careful with your weapon it could get in the wrong hands and then we have a problem. At least if you are forced to serve your community, you might learn understand caring for your community. However, if you can care for your guns so well and store them so safely that no one ever finds a reason to serve you with community service hours, you deserve to keep your guns and your free time. Why do I think licensing is important? Because it holds people accountable that may not be able to be responsible with a tool that requires much responsibility.

Why do I think we need to remove guns meant for war from households that can’t be responsible for them? Because people are dying for going to school and work and the grocery store by the hands of people that are not mentally able to handle the responsibility of these tools. I don’t think the general public needs to have access to these guns. If you want to have access to these guns I think you should be required join the military and receive the training and be willing to lay your life down for our country. If you are not that generous, you don’t deserve the right hold that kind of gun. I bet once you have been to war, you will think less of wanting one of those guns because you will better understand the actual weight of that gun. Those are the type of people I want to be able to bear those guns. But I believe the same way about guns of war as hand guns and hunting rifles. If you can care for them and secure them so well that they are never a problem and no one feels the need to take them from you, you should be able to keep them because you must be able to handle the massive responsibility of these tools.

I am just a person that wants to be better every day. I am a thinking person. My sister, Jamie Holloway, says I am a deep thinker, more deep than most. Maybe that is my problem. Most people don’t think as much as I do. I don’t care for superficial or silly. Comedies and cartoons are lost on me. I sometimes wish I could be lighthearted, but I am not wired that way which is why Karen has to find other friends to watch comedies with. Because I want to be better every day I appreciate when people say they don’t agree and why. I think they care enough about me to help me see another viewpoint, even if I can’t come to their side, I know it takes courage to tell someone you don’t agree with them.

But I also don’t like to be judged and I think I feel that I have been judged by this friend. Although Trump is a trigger topic for me, which I talk to God about a lot because I know I need to be healed. I am very confused about the Republican party, because many Republicans went against their own policies and beliefs to support Trump. I am not anti-republican and I am not a Democrat. I believe that in the pure sense of both parties, both have merit and both have room to grow. I wish The United States could support several political parties because I feel like we are not being honest enough with only two. In reality there are Republicans that are very far to the right and some that are more in the middle and Democrats that are very far to the left and some that are more in the middle. The ones that are farthest to the right or the left are scary to me because I don’t think they can hear anyone but themselves and then we have no communication. In reality, it is in my opinion that we could use 1-3 more parties to choose from but it seems like when we try to add those the voters don’t support new parties. Too bad; it would be nice if we could be more honest.

Honesty is where the freedom really lies. That is where I want to be. My friend was fine with whatever I wanted to do. They were fine with the way things were, but fine if I wanted to call it quits. I hate complacency but I also love this person and I know that in the past when I have dumped people, I miss them and I know I will come to a day that I will want to know how they are doing. Right now I am waiting. I really don’t know how to give them what they want. They said they were more happy with the “idea” of a friendship than an actual friendship. So I am waiting. I think they should know me well enough to know I wouldn’t know how to process that. Maybe they really don’t know me that well, but I am too old to just dump someone that I love. When it comes down to it, that is the part that feels the most honest to me. I love them so I give them room to be themselves. Even if they can’t do that for me, maybe I will just wait and see if they can make room for me later.

~

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

Book Review: We Are Not Like Them by Christine Pride & Jo Piazza

We Are Not Like Them is a novel written by Christine Pride and Jo Piazza. Like the writers, the main characters are women, one black and one white. Riley and Jenny have been friends since they were little girls. Jenny’s single mom was a free spirit who often enjoyed leaving Jenny with Riley’s family while she went on adventures. She knew they were good people and Jenny felt like she was part of their family, even though her skin was white and her hair was smooth and blonde.

The story begins as they are adults well beyond those more simple times. Riley is a news broadcaster and Jen is the wife of a police officer that has just shot a 14-year-old black boy. Jen’s husband, Kevin, is not a bad man or a bad cop, but in a split second, his training to support this partner has led him to a transitional moment that is causing their whole world to shake.

There are many things about racism and prejudice that can’t be put into words but you can feel them if you listen. I felt it in this book and I have felt it while walking beside my wife for the last 8 years. We can hear some of those things in a poem from chapter 7, in the book, that was shared at the funeral of Justin, by Justin, the boy killed at the beginning of the book:

What do you see when you see me?

Have you made up your mind about who I can be?

You could get to know me if you tried

You could see what I’m like inside

I am made of blood, bones, and muscles too.

So how can you say I am less than you?

I have so many dreams, even at my age.

Let me be free, don’t put me in a cage.

Watch what I can do.

In the book, Riley gets the chance to cover some of the story and interview the grieving mother. As great as this is for her career it really stretches her relationship with Jen as they are forced to look at issues they have never talked about before. Will their love and history be enough to carry them through this time?

“When I think of Kevin pulling that trigger…” She stops and shakes her head. “But I also believe that he gets a chance to explain himself, Jenny too. But things have always happened in the world, especially to our folks, but we can’t shut down every time they do. No choice but to keep pushing forward. It’s the same for you and Jenny — you gotta talk to see where you go from here.” Sandra Wilson, Riley’s mother, chapter 9.

I got this book from my sister, Jamie Holloway, you can read her review at JamieChasesButterflies.com.

We Are Not Like Them has come to me at a time when I am trying to come to peace with things I haven’t put words to in my life, but need to, like racism which I never had to worry about when I was a single white woman. I am well aware of prejudice as a woman with mental and physical chronic illness who is poor, fat and queer but I couldn’t understand my wife’s poor luck until I came to terms with the fact that racism is real but not something she wastes time worrying about. I admire Karen G Clemenson for that. Her strength is so much like Riley’s mother. Karen never lets anything keep her down. She takes the loss and keeps moving forward. So that is what we do.

…with that said, I think you should read this book. Your viewpoint will be totally different than mine and I would love to hear what you think!

Buy your own copy of We Are Not Like Them by Christine Pride and Jo Piazza on Amazon

~

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

Book Review: Black Like My by John Howard Griffin

“I learned a strange thing — that in a jumble of unintelligible talk the word “nigger” leaps out with electric clarity. You always hear it and always it stings. And always it casts the person using it into a category of brute, ignorance.” John Howard Griffin, Black Like Me, November 8 excerpt

I recently re-read this powerful book entitled Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin. I remember reading it in high school, back in the early 90’s but really all I remembered was that he was a white man, a journalist, and he had chemically darkened his skin with the help of a dermatologist in order to experience the life of a black man. Every other detail was brand new to me and I have to say reading this book has shaken me to my very core as a white woman, as a United States citizen and as a spouse to a mulatto woman, born in 1965, in North Carolina.

“Walking along Dryades, through the ghetto, I realized that every informed man with whom I had spoken, in the intimate freedom of colored bond, had acknowledged a double problem for the Negro. First, the discrimination against him. Second, and almost more grievous, his discrimination against himself; his contempt for the blackness that he associates with his suffering; his willingness to sabotage his fellow Negroes because they are part of the blackness he has found so painful.” John Howard Griffin, Black Like Me, November 10-12 excerpt

Just as the SS encouraged other Jewish prisoners to abuse and take ownership over other Jewish prisoners during the Holocaust, some white people encouraged black people to abuse each other and most of the rest of the white people stood by and let it happen. I have often read about black culture, slave culture. I know it was common for slaves to abuse their children bitterly because they felt it was better that they beat their children then the master do it. In many families this is still in place, this post slavery trauma response that hasn’t been altered by time because of lots of reasons, all individual to each family. And not just because of lack of education or change in some black families but the lack of education and change in some white families; the existence of white supremacy that is so accepted that we don’t realize it is there.

In his November 14 excerpt, Griffin travels to Mississippi, against the advice of his new friends who have been very helpful to his change over to his new life. Recently the FBI had delivered evidence that proved a black man had been kidnapped and lynched in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, yet the Pearl River County Grand Jury failed to return any indictments or even consider the provided information.

Although Griffin found it relatively pleasant in New Orleans, at the train/bus station, his experience was one of pure hatred. The woman who sold his ticket to him, almost would not. She gave him the “hate stare” and when she did finally change his $10 bill, she threw his change and ticket at him, instead of handing it to him or placing it on the counter. Although the depot was large and empty, except for a porter and one white man, that man also gave him the “hate stare” making it obvious he was not welcome. The porter, who was black, showed him to the crowded, COLORED CAFE located behind the depot.

While traveling into Mississippi the black people seemed to become more caring, as if they were a buffer for the hatred from the white folks, this was a common occurrence everywhere Griffin went. When the bus would stop, the driver would allow the white people off but not the black people for bathroom breaks. Griffen noted that farm animals are given more grace. As they came closer to Hattiesburg, a woman was happy to warn Griffen to never look at a white woman, “look at the ground or to the side.” He wasn’t even to look at a picture of a woman at the movie theater or in a magazine.

Another black man advised him of a safe place to stay and offered to check in with him in the morning. Griffen was impressed by his kindness but he was scared. He was intimidated by the white boys driving by and yelling at him and other people on the street. The squalor of the room, the fear he felt, it was so great that he felt he couldn’t even write a letter to his white wife and this led him to reach out to a journalist friend that lived in the area that he thought might take him in.

The journalist was glad to have him. His viewpoint in his writings left he and his family isolated and he enjoyed having Griffen help him with his writing, but Griffen could not rest there, and he couldn’t do what he set out to do there. Before his friend brought him back to New Orleans, they visited Dillard University (November 16). As kind as his friend was to him, he was different around “real” black people: “Did you ever see such a damn beautiful campus for a bunch of niggers? They’re getting uppityer and uppiter.” This viewpoint was shockingly different from the abolitionist and advocate he portrayed in his work and personal life, working for equal voting rights.

This way of making an exception for a black person you know but not the entire race is another way that prejudice can hide in plain sight and I think it still thrives today. I believe fear comes in all colors and if we aren’t willing to look at it and call it what it is, we will never become enlightened.We will remain afraid, small and unable to change.

“The whites frequently walk into colored restrooms, Scotch-tape these notices to the wall. This man offered his services free to any Negro woman over 20, offered to pay, on an ascending scale, from $2 for a nineteen-year-old girl, up to $7.50 for a fourteen-year-old and more for perversion dates. He gave a contact point for later in the evening and urged any Negro man who wanted to earn $5 for himself to find him a date within this price category…To the Negro who sees the element of the white man’s nature — and he sees it much more often than any other — the white man’s comments about the Negro’s alleged “immorality” rings maidenly hollow.” John Howard Griffin, Black Like Me, November 16 excerpt

Believe it or not, this is not the most deplorable example of degrading actions that white men portrayed against black men and women, yet it explains how a black women could feel she is only worthy as a sex object and how men are supposed to use and abuse that part of her, instead of honoring and respecting her. I know that so many people have grown beyond this. I do know that 1960 happened 62 years ago and I see a lot of growth that I am thankful for but I also see where we haven’t changed too. Areas were poverty and crime prevail women and men still violate and dishonor each other every day. It is like the self-hatred has been passed down through generations and gotten stronger.

As Griffen traveled through the South, he often hitchhiked. This was common during this time and he was most often picked up by white men who wanted to fill their sexual deviant minds with questions they thought were acceptable to ask this man because he was black or COLORED as was the term used at the time. One young college man was surprised that Griffen could tell him that black people were parents just like white people and they wanted their children to grow up healthy and remain virgins as long as possible just like white parents. It impressed him, but not enough to stop him from asking Griffen to show himself to him. Another man became violent and threatened to kill him when Griffen would not answer his vile questions.

Money was another way that black people were controlled. Gas taxes paid by all were used to maintain beaches black people were not allowed to use. Stores would offer credit to black families, yet it seemed like fees were always added so that they could never be paid off so the families were always so poor they could barely afford to improve their homes or clothe their children.

One man that picked up Griffen, brought him home with him, he was positive that there was nowhere safe for him to stay for the night. He let him know that he only had 2 bedrooms and 6 children but he could have the floor and it was clean. Griffen had bought a loaf of bread and a few candy bars before he was picked up. When they reached the man’s home Griffen met the man’s wife and children. She was happy to meet him and happy all her children were healthy, she mentioned that many families had children that were blind or maimed in some way, Her husband was a little embarrassed in his meager home and plain dinner of beans with no meat but Griffen praised his beautiful and obviously healthy children until the father beamed. He offered the bread and they enjoyed a feast. They sliced up the candy bars for dessert and were thankful. This experience really made Griffen appreciate how hard this man worked for his family.

Within a week Griffen could no longer handle being black all the time and stopped taking the medication that was keeping him dark. He applied a dye to his skin when he was prepared to enter society as a black man that would wash off when he had had enough. So much of society was shut off to him as a black man. He spent most of his time walking, worrying about what bench or park he could sit in, what bathroom he could use, what fountain he could drink from, if there was a colored cafe nearby where he could get a bite to eat. All of these things were few and far between. In more religious areas, whites were sometimes more gentle but there was always a line that Griffen had to be aware of in order to keep the peace. There were no jobs he could have. They were either taken or being weeded out by communities that were purposely making it impossible for black people to survive there before the equality laws were passed. White men said these things to him like they were telling him the prices of a bushel of apples.

When Griffen returned home, he was overjoyed to see his wife and 3 children but even his publisher offered him an out. He did not have to publish anything about his adventure. But Griffen was committed to sharing what he had learned. With that came what he was expecting. Hatred. Threats. Quiet gratitude. In the end his family and his parents had to move from their Texas home to New Mexico to be free from the violent calls and threats but Griffen remained faithful to his truth and he had gained respect from many people of all colors.

In no way have I shared the entire story. I think you should read this book. I think you will absorb it differently than I did. I am very glad I walked into Storyboard Delights on Karen’s arm last month and found it on the used book shelf. This book has helped me understand a few things about my wife, things that I always loved but made me really respect her even more for, about the way she responds to people. Her humility and servant attitude are skin deep and I know that some of it is learned behavior from being a mixed girl child of the south. Not just black, not just white, not just Native American…with those freckles and too much pride. I know she has lived through trauma and when she is too tired to hide it, I meet a girl that has been hurt. I have a friend that moved to Arkansas and she often tells me I should move there and how much I would love it. I don’t think I would, but more importantly, and I finally told her this: my wife is a mulatto female that worked really hard to leave the south, and although I would like to visit, I don’t ever see us moving there. I think she finally understood.

I live in a town that is 87% white. In Longview, Washington 10% of the population is mixed and all other races are less than 2%. I have been thinking about this for a few days. Actually I have been thinking about this off and on for quite some time because my wife has eluded to it a couple times. I have come to the conclusion that there are lots of reasons people of color would move here. I am glad they did. When I was growing up here, I bet Longview was more like 97% white and I enjoy seeing the diversity. I like seeing change. I made a comment that I don’t care what color a person is, but it is more than that. it isn’t that I don’t care about a person’s color, because what I care about is the person’s heart. I love to learn about their culture, beliefs and who they are. I do think dark skin is more beautiful than white skin but my wife says that is just a preference…I think she is correct.

Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin showed me that there were many types of people: hateful people, enlightened people, and complacent people and they come in all colors. I don’t care what color you are, what I really care about is how open you are to becoming enlightened; letting go of fear and embracing love, peace and freedom. I am not perfect. I can say I probably have a mix of all three characteristics in me, but I hope I am more enlightened than I used to be. I do know that next time someone asks me if I am prejudiced, instead of being defensive or fighting with them, I am willing to saying, “Let me consider that. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.”

Buy your own copy of Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin on Amazon

~

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

There is So Much To Forgive

I sometimes feel bombarded. The world has so much pain in it and there is so much to forgive. I recently got into a debate with an unwilling person on Facebook and I feel bad about that. I know they are dealing with a lot of past trauma. They are in the venting mode and lately my newsfeed is inundated with the negative memes and messages they feel they need to share with the world as they tell every bad thing that ever happened to them. I usually can overlook this because I understand they are on their own journey and this part of their path, but I am human too.

I chose to step out of my normal supportive mode and challenge them when they suggested that everyone needed to rush over to Hulu and watch a documentary about the evils of tourism. Something in me had to speak. I had to tell them that I don’t watch every documentary and read every negative thing in the world because I can’t feed the part of me that enjoys evil.

In my past I had many fractured parts of me, a coping mechanism that my brain used to handle the stress of my life and through prayer and therapy I have been able to be healed of most of those fractures, but I had a few that didn’t want to leave. I decided to name them so that I could regain control of myself. One of them, I named Gula, another word for gluttony, because she loves evil and she is never satisfied. Since I named her, she seems to be gone. I love that by telling God I didn’t want to be afraid of her, and giving her a name she lost her power.

I tried to share this with my friend, but I knew they weren’t ready to hear this. I wasn’t surprised when they became defensive and suggested that my resistance to know every evil in the world suggested that not enough people cared and that is why the world could not be saved. I told them that I am not ignorant of the evil in the world, I just meter it out in small amounts that I feel I can handle, and as God tells me. I also don’t believe the world can be saved…

That really got them…

I said it. I don’t believe the world can be saved. I have never read in the bible where the world was supposed to be saved. Jesus didn’t come to save the earth. He came to save the children of God. I told my friend that Jesus had conquered the world and told us to rejoice. I believe my job is to unlearn fear and to try to focus on loving myself and others.

They didn’t like what I had to say…I have noticed that they are missing from my newsfeed. I am wondering if they unfriended me. I really do love them. I just got tired. I hope some day they can forgive me.

I have to remind myself that forgiveness comes in waves and layers. I have been having nightmares lately about people in my past. I wake up in pain because I tense up in my sleep. I wake up and forgive the people in my dreams and myself….in layers and waves. I remind myself that I may have to forgive myself and others any number of times.

Matthew 18:21-22

Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”

Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

Before I fell asleep last night, Karen had the late night news on. We heard updates on the war in Ukraine. I cried as I watched people desperate to know where they would sleep that night. I cried as I saw the food rotting that was supposed to feed people in Africa and the news feed that estimated that over a million people might die around the world because that food would not be dispersed because of Russian blockades. Then we saw an update on the Buffalo shooting in May, where a white man shot 10 black people to protect the white race. This really made me feel sick, especially since I just finished reading Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin that day.

I prayed before I fell asleep and I woke up praying.

I thought about conversations I have had with another friend that likes Trump for president, again and I am so confused. I don’t understand people that say they are Christians that want him for president. It isn’t that he is a republican. Believe it or not I am an independent and I will vote for any candidate with intelligence, fairness and the ability to work with both parties that I think will be a strong leader. I believe that Trump is probably a genius. I also believe that at the very least he too is a trauma survivor and at the most he is mentally ill and addicted to drama and that makes him a poor leader. Although he is highly intelligent, he kept everyone on the edge of their seat every day of his presidency and it took its toll on me. I could never listen to him and when I did, his words were very antagonistic and sometimes plain foolishness. I am not saying that I probably missed some very intelligent speaking but I know the heart of a man is revealed in his speech and I don’t want a leader that I can’t respect leading me.

Proverbs 15:7

The lips of the wise spread knowledge, but the hearts of fools are not upright.

~

Luke 6:45

As good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

~

Ephesians 4:29

Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may  impart grace to the hearers.

I am still praying for Trump, It does me no good to wish hardship on this man that many still listen to. I am praying for myself and my friend too because I don’t like feeling as though I am judging them. I love them. I know they are super smart and a truly loving person. I also know I don’t have to agree with everything everyone says.

Forgiveness is very important and not just for the little things but the things that shake us to our core. We have to look at the things that make us pause and the things that make us feel punched in the chest and decide if we want to be angry or at peace. I want to be at peace. This means I need to be open to seeing other people’s perspective and showing compassion. This world might not be able to be saved, but I can change myself and maybe change situations around myself in the process in love and truth.

Be loved.

~

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

I Don’t Hate Pride Month

You know when there are times when you say something in passing that leaves others thinking something you didn’t mean, but maybe there is a grain of truth in it too? That happened to me last week. But I would like to take a moment and clarify that I don’t hate Pride Month.

It was just a week ago and my sister, Jamie, sent me a message: Happy Pride Month!

I promptly responded with: Yes. We will be inundated for the month of June. Ugh!

I didn’t mean to be rude or dismissive but it just seems like Pride Months of the past have been times where flamboyant queer people flash their feathers with great gusto and conservative Christians get offended and everything is suddenly about equality and I feel a bit bombarded. But in my every day life I am happily married to my beautiful wife and we live our lives and in our reality being queer is just something we don’t worry about because we are 46 and 57-years-old and it hurts to get out of bed in the morning, its hard to remember if eating the entire egg is healthy or not and I am very glad Xavier woke Karen up because she forgot to plug her iPhone in and her alarm didn’t go off.

But you know what I have noticed that I love? I don’t feel bombarded this year because certain media outlets have gotten better at including trans people and same sex couples in commercials and TV shows (yes it could be better but I am not ungrateful) and people are safer to be proud more naturally and so Pride is what is should be, an every day thing.

Now don’t get me wrong. I know that in certain parts of The United State where queer folks have it much harder than they do in other parts of The US. I also know that in Longview, Washington gay men have it harder than queer women and no one knows what to do with trans folks here. I know this. I am sorry. I also know that ignorance and prejudice live everywhere and I regret that too but we are growing and I want to take a moment and praise Jesus that humans are hating each other a little bit less and loving each other a little bit better every day, regardless of what the media wants to force feed us. By the way…the answer to all these situations is to treat every one with respect regardless of how they dress or who they love…

Hype comes in all colors and so I know a little bit about drama and trauma, those terrible rhyming words. As a white, disabled, fat, poor, mentally ill woman from a dysfunctional family I know about prejudice and privilege. But you know what? Walking behind people you learn that other people get it too. I have a friend that was more poor than me and more terribly abused than me growing up, and walking behind her has broken my heart at times. Until she became healed through prayer and therapy, people saw that on her and it seems like she drew abuse out of them. Walking behind my wife blows my mind. I am invisible when we walk up to another black person unless they read that we are married and then I am as black as they are…but when we were first married, we were at a park in Kirkland and the looks she got from a man, wow! He was not enjoying sharing air with my obviously mixed wife and he was Asian. I really don’t understand that, but Karen says that is normal. So it never shocked me when I got the evil eye from the old white guy when I was holding my wife’s hand under the table at a restaurant. Hate comes in all forms and I never asked him what he hated about me. I am not going to worry about it either. I forgave him.

When I growing up I don’t remember a lot of talk about queer folks but I do know that when I looked it up in the bible by myself, I understood it was an abomination. This was hard because I was having feelings about a lady that worked a diner I went to a lot. I didn’t understand those feelings and she enjoyed setting me up to see her with another woman, so I am pretty sure, she felt what I was feeling and wanted to make me uncomfortable so it was really easy for me to shut that part of myself off.

I had always found both sexes attractive so I thought I just saw beauty in all people. My nana had taught me to not waste my affections on people I wouldn’t marry and my pastor had taught me that if a person wasn’t my spouse, they were someone else’s and I should wait for marriage so all these things helped me justify why I didn’t think about people the way my friends did. They were horn-balls! Now I know that I am demi-sexual and so it is normal that I would not be sexually attracted to someone unless I was intimately connected with them emotionally…which explained the very short list…which my wife is very happy about. I am too.

I wish I had waited for marriage. Not for religious reasons but for emotional ones. It is just deeper and safer and better with someone you know wants to be there every day for the rest of your life. Maybe that isn’t important to some people, but it is to me.

I was married for 1 year before I came to terms with the fact that I was queer. I remember telling people that I didn’t feel gay. I just married my best friend. One year in and I had a good cry and talk with God and the main message I got when I asked Him if I should divorce my wife was, “No!” When I asked Him for scripture to back Him up and He said: Galatians 3:28

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

I said some stupid things that first year. Things I wish I hadn’t said because now I understand I was ignorant and maybe even hurtful to people that hadn’t come out yet. But I have forgiven myself and if I get the chance to step back those statements, I will because I understand now, that I was scared and ignorant. The men in the bible were doing abominable things. They were raping and murdering people out of hatred and control. They were not in loving relationships or even consensual ones. That was the abomination.

Abusing people is never ok. NEVER OK. This is what we should hate. Not a month where we celebrate people that want to be accepted and seen.

I learned a new word today: Heterosexism. It is similar in power to Homophobia but I think it is bigger. The word Heterosexism first showed up in writings by Craig Rodwell, a gay rights activist, in 1971. Heterosexism is a belief that female-male sexuality and relationships are the only norm and that makes them superior. This attitude extends beyond the bedroom, but also in the workplace, medical facilities and every part of society. No wonder people are so offended by Love Makes a Family by Sophie Beer.

But back to Homophobia, this term was coined by a straight psychologist, named George Weinberg, in late 1960’s. He was probably self-diagnosing himself, because this term describes someone who is afraid to be in the vicinity of someone who is queer, their culture and behaviors.

I am glad that my fear is going away regarding people. You know who scares me now? Not LBGTQIA+ people. Closed-minded people. People that think it is ok to hurt people for any reason at all. I have met some of their victims and it makes me want to more than pray, but that is what God said to do and I know He listens to my prayers.

If you are hurting and need support for issues related to coming out, relationships, bullying, self-harm and more contact LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564

As for me, I am enjoying a quiet Pride Month but I am also enjoying posts from friends that are going all out. I am happy for them. However you are celebrating, I hope you enjoy yourself and know that I know you are valuable and beautiful and loved. Happy Pride!

~

Read More at:

~

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

Being Human

I was shocked to find myself very upset about the end of the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard trial, which I didn’t watch. I am so glad it is over. I avoided it to the best of my ability. I thought it was about money but apparently Amber really did abuse Johnny and that is why he won. When I looked at him I saw a big man that was not able to avoid the abuse or leave before it escalated out of control, consuming him. Yet even while I thought that, I knew that I could easily relate to Amber because I know about being human.

I didn’t watch the Depp/Heard trail because I try to limit negative media for my mental health needs. I took one look at them and I saw drama and trauma and knew their dance would bring nothing positive to my existence. Just because drama and trauma rhyme doesn’t mean they are good together. Besides, I don’t really follow them, I don’t jump watch their movies, and they aren’t part of my life so it was easy to just move on. But as I learn more and more that we are connected, I realize that it might be normal that I would be affected by their pain.

I still don’t know this ex-couple. I will probably google them to make sure I spell Amber’s name correctly but we are all human and being human we are all connected and all capable of fear and love. When I saw trauma on them, it is because I have experienced enough to know that Johnny is not fully innocent and both he and his ex-wife could probably benefit from some form of treatment, at least some great therapy sessions. I think everyone should go to therapy, so don’t think I am picking on them, personally.

I did hear Johnny say that she was very possessive about taking his boots off. It seems weird but I understand this. There are things that I enjoy doing for Karen that are helpful to her, that only I do because she is my wife. There are things that, if I am not medicated and going to therapy to stay balanced that I might become unbalanced about and a bit obsessive about in a way that my responses may not feel so loving.

When I am following my wellness plan, I might still have moments where I am feeling a bit unbalanced. I can remind myself that Karen is perfectly capable and able to care for herself, if I missed my opportunity to care for her and I don’t have a right to feel anger or jealousy towards her self-care. I can tell myself to find something constructive to do until my negative feelings pass. I can do this because my medications slow me down enough to help me make better choices. You see because I have worked hard to be well, and continue to work hard, and am committed to always work hard, I have a peaceful life but if I just made a few different choices, my life could be a mess.

This is the truth. We are all human and we are all just a number of choices away from being like Amber or someone that might even be seen as worse. Why am I telling you this? Because alongside my mental illness, my gift of empathy is a hard one to carry sometimes but I have had to learn to know what to do with it or it will take me out, but it is also a beautiful and wonderful gift. I feel things deeply. I feel my feelings and I feel the feelings around me. This is a gift because I know how to pray. I sometimes know what to say to help someone feel better. I sometimes know to say nothing but just let them know I see them. People feel so alone sometimes.

I implore you to not judge so harshly. Every person who hurts someone, has been hurt. That is how they learned to hurt people. They have trauma that they haven’t dealt with. Maybe you have trauma you haven’t dealt with. Maybe that is the reason that you think you have the right to judge because you haven’t cut someone’s finger off or bit someone, but I tell you one thing…just a few different choices and you could be. Because that is what being human is.

God didn’t make us to carry around out hurts. He didn’t make us to capture all our fears and let our ego get so big that all we can hear is fear. He sent His son to take our sins and open a dialogue between us so that we would feel safe to hand Him our hurts, when we were ready, so we could accept healing and restoration. He gave us therapists, teachers, friends and leaders to help us because He knows that is hard for some of us to trust someone we can’t see. He is here. He is always here, waiting to lighten our load when we ask Him to help us forgive the people who hurt us and ourselves and restore us to the perfect creation He made us to be. He knows it is a process because we have collected a lot of hurts but He is always good and always patient.

I could spend time hashing out what the Johnny and Amber trial means to men and women and abuse victims but in reality someone else will do that. My agenda is about love and forgiveness. What I really want is to tell men, women and non-binary people, children and anyone with a pulse that while it is not ok to be abused and you should never allow someone to abuse you, you should never hold onto that abuse either. Forgive your abuser. Forgive yourself. Make room for healing and light in your life. Let God show you that you were made for love and not fear.

You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. Song of Solomon 4:7 NIV

Note: Image found on funhandprintartblog.com.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

Being a Victim

I have a lot of labels I could wear. If you read my blog, you are aware of them. I have several chronic diagnoses that I deal with every day. But as I am healing from some of the damage from my past, I realize that I can stop being a victim. Victim? Who is hurting me? Well, in reality in every relationship where there is a victim, both the victim and the victimizer are the victim and the victimizer. That is a lot to swallow but hear me out.

Yes, I am an emotional neglect survivor. I have lived through some trauma both real and imagined, in my mentally ill mind, before I found the proper treatment. I come from people that know trauma. I think that is pretty common. But that is not who I have to stay. I can choose to be a woman that is healing and learning to be a positive thinker, a person that is forgiving as issues arise and a person that is trying to live in the moment instead of staying tied to the past or avoiding now by daydreaming about what could happen. I don’t want to be a victim anymore, to anyone, especially myself.

When I am a victim, I become defensive. This is a natural response. In my retaliation, I vindicate myself by hurting my victimizer, therefore I make them a victim and I take on their role as the victimizer. it sounds childish and it really is. I want to grow up. I don’t want to act like a child. I am 46 years old and I want to act like a caring, intelligent woman. Because that is what I am.

Caring, intelligent women, use their brains. They don’t have to tear people apart with manipulation and rejection, they can set healthy boundaries and say yes or no, depending on their own limits and they can choose how much time they give to loved ones that are not making choices to get well or to honor their boundaries.

When you choose to stop being a victim, you might entice some of your loved ones to make healthier choices to work toward their own wellness and that is something to celebrate, but you might not and that is hard. Being a grown up means we have to accept each for who we are and if I choose A and you choose B and B hurts me, I might have to limit my time with you or not have you be part of my life at all. That is not being a victim, that is setting proper boundaries for my mental and physical health.

As I began facing my trauma, I came to a point where I needed validation for my abuse. I wish I had left that between me and my therapist, God and the few friends that weren’t offended to hear my stories. Instead I chose to post things on Facebook and my blog. It felt good to write it out. Maybe I could have just written it and printed it and stuck it in a box to burn later but I posted it. At the time, I thought I was being careful to not name names but some people knew who I was talking about and they printed it and sent it to specific people and it just stirred up angst between me and others.I felt validated for a moment, even for several moments but now I wish I had kept it between me and God, my therapist and my few friends. It didn’t add anything to my life.

I am going to chase a rabbit really quick here…just a short jaunt…when I was 25 years old, I realized I was a 20 year old Christian but I felt like a toddler. So I told God I wanted Him to catch me up. God is always willing to do what we ask and the next 7 years were really intense. Basically I stopped going to church, ran every thought and action through Galatians 2:20 and told God to prove Himself.

“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

Since I wasn’t going to a regular church, I ended up going to a small group that was basically saying that everything was finished on the cross and by the resurrection of Christ we were now a new creation. The renewing of the mind was this: that we had parts of ourself that had been forced to fracture off to handle the scary and traumatic parts of our life that were not saved and it was our job to bring them into the part of ourselves that knew Jesus, while also bringing around any other parts of our mind that didn’t realize we were a new creation. It fit well with my goal of seeing the world through Galatians 2:20 and I saw tremendous amounts of healing and restoration in my life. I was able to forgive a lot and God did prove Himself, although I have no proof to prove Him to you…but, I believe that is the way He likes it. God likes to chase down His kids.

Since that time, I have gone through many other experiences. While in this group I did deal with a terrible break up and after the group stopped meeting I kept my friendship with the people and would get together with some of them and we would talk about issues we were going through and I talked about feelings and fears of feelings I had for Karen. I believed being queer was bad because that is how it was taught to me and the leaders of the group agreed with me.

I lost those friends when I married Karen. They didn’t feel their ministries would be strong if they were connected to anyone living our lifestyle. They weren’t the only people I lost when I married Karen but I can understand why they made their choice and I respect it and in reality it is good to know who can’t stand behind you anymore.

So now that I have finished chasing that rabbit, I want to tell you what I learned while I was growing in that group and have been rekindling while I have been reading Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love and The Gift of Change. Forgiveness is key. Forgiveness comes in waves and layers. Forgiveness is probably never-ending. Forgiveness has everything to do with untying myself from people that I hurt, that hurt me, that want me, that don’t want me, and most importantly giving all authority to God who is the only one strong enough to handle all the mess we can make of each other.

What does that mean:

  • I might have to forgive someone for the same thing, any number of times.
  • I might need to forgive myself for the same thing, any number of times.
  • I can’t fix anyone, especially myself.
  • I don’t have to carry my pain, but I can if I want to and keep hurting, or I can hand it to God and He will take it as many times as I take it back from Him and then hand it back to Him.
  • I am a perfect creation made by God and that is how He sees me and if I choose to act like a fool, that is only on me but I can stop anytime I want….Hurting people who hurt me only makes me look like someone I am not, a fool.

So what do I know? I know that I have to take my medication or I get sick in the head or my body. I have to go to my doctor and therapy appointments to make sure that everything is working right and my wellness plan is still on the right path. I need daily time with God or I fall over and sometimes I need it more than others and since He said to pray without ceasing I can talk to Him while I cook dinner and He is ok with that. I want to unlearn fear and learn positive thinking so I need to read and watch positive things and limit media with violence and other things that don’t add anything to me. I need to apologize when I know I hurt someone and try to stop that behavior. I need to be loving toward Karen and Xavier because that is how we like to be treated in this house full of stubborn tank-heads.

…and most of all…Nothing can separate me from the love of God. He is with me and for me and He knows I am married to the love of my life and we are queer and that is something that makes me want to smile and I need to try to smile and laugh more because it feels good. Happy Pride Month!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

Book Review: A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson

I bought A Return to Love back when Marianne Williamson was running for president in 2020 but I didn’t get around to reading it until now. I actually think I wasn’t ready to read it until this time in my life and I am really glad I was able to absorb it in this time where I am better able, and trying to forgive more, putting effort into unlearning fear, and learning to love better. I really enjoyed this book and I highly recommend it to a mature reader and a mature Christian or person who is comfortable in their beliefs.

The book I have is actually two books in one: A Return to Love and The Gift of Change, both by Marianne Williamson. There was so much to absorb in A Return to Love that I chose to do two different book reviews. I haven’t read the second book yet but I will do a separate book review for The Gift of Change when I have completed reading that book.

Marianne begins A Return to Love by explaining that she was raised in a Jewish home and has studied many religions. She also set aside her beliefs for some time and now is a Christian. Although her writing leaves room for any higher power, she refers openly to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit as her belief system and some people might be offended by this.

“The spiritual journey is the relinquishment — or unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts. Love is the essential existential fact. It is our ultimate reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

Commonly throughout the book Marianne writes that people undervalue what we know to be true in our hearts and overvalue the things our physical senses can see. We do this because love is hard to see because love is an energy that is experienced through kindness, giving, mercy, compassion, peace, joy, acceptance, non-judgement, joining and intimacy. Fear is the opposite of love and gives a false testimony to the meaningless of love. Fear looks like anger, abuse, disease, pain, greed, addiction, selfishness, obsession, corruption, violence and war. Love is threatening to our ego because it is simple.

Concepts Discussed in this Book:

  • Love is the only reality.
  • Fear is the opposite of love.
  • Fear is an alternative reality.…no wonder we all feel crazy…
  • Forgiveness transforms fear to love.
  • Ego wants to judge.
  • Holy Spirit wants to accept people as they are and provides room for compassion.

“The places in our personality where we tend to deviate from love are not our faults, but our wounds.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

“Forgiveness is the choice to see people as they are now. When we are angry at people, we are angry because of something they said or did before this moment. But what people said or did is not who they are. Relationships are reborn as we let go of the perceptions of our brother’s pasts. ‘By bringing the past into the present, we create a future just like the past.’ By letting the past go, we make room for miracles.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

All negativity comes from fear. Anger, rudeness, manipulation, cruelty all comes from fear. Forgiveness transforms them all. Pain doesn’t come from the love we don’t give others but from the love we choose not to give. So the answer is to ask the Holy Spirit to change our perspective and help us forgive. When we close our heart in response to other people’s choices we hurt ourself but when we remain able to give love we see a miracle.

According to A Return to Love and my personal experience, the world has taught us to fear. This is unnatural to humans because we were created in God’s image and love is the only real emotion. This is what we have to return to  — to live in love and let go of fear. When we are feeling angry or annoyed with people we can confess this to the Holy Spirit, who wants to help us, and we will see the help we need, whether it is more compassion or forgiveness, or whatever is needed in the moment.

Steps to Process Change:

  1. See my dysfunctional patterns
  2. Confess and ask God to take them
  3. Commit to change

“Personal growth can be painful because it can make us feel ashamed and humiliated to face our own darkness. But the goal of personal growth is the journey from dark emotional patterns that cause us pain to those that create peace.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

When someone hurts use we can blow up at them or we can forgive them. Here is a helpful prayer to repeat until you are not longer angry:

“I forgive you  _________________, and I release you to the Holy Spirit.”

This is a simple and very powerful prayer because it acknowledges that you know that God loves you and this person and wants the best for both of you. It also proclaims your trust in the Holy Spirit. I have tried this prayer out on many people and even with forgiving myself with some pretty powerful responses.

“…there is nothing we have been through or seen, or done, that cannot be used to make our lives more valuable now. We can grow from any experience, and we can transcend any experience. This kind of talk is blasphemy to the ego, which respects pain, glorifies pain, worships pain, and creates pain. Pain is its centerpiece. It sees forgiveness as its enemy.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

Our only real pleasure will come when we do what God created us to do. We must ask Him to help us be an instrument of His peace and use the abilities He gave us to spread love.

“…as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

Trusting God is like trusting gravity. 2 points to remember:

  1. God’s plan works
  2. Mine doesn’t

“It is our humility, our desire to be of service, that makes us stars. Not our arrogance.”  Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

We can only receive God’s plan. If we add anything to it we take away the little that was asked of us. We are only to align ourself with God’s plan. He will make it happen. This is a very anti-world mindset. But it can be done.

“Dear God, I surrender this situation to you. May it be used for your purposes. I ask only that my heart be open to give love and to receive love. May all the results unfold according to Your will. Amen.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

Another important concept that is talked about in A Return to Love are that we are interrelated but we have forgotten that because our ego supports a mentality where instead of “we” we talk about “my career”, “my money” or “my life.” But we are not separate. This falsely created separateness leads us to mistake where we put our devotion — our stuff instead of our love, relationships and our higher power.

We hear people say to us to feel our feelings, which is important, but they are usually referring to fear, pain, shame, all the negative emotions, but we also need to feel all the positive ones too: love, satisfaction, joy… The ego does not like positive thoughts and works against them but our natural inheritance is to enjoy the good in our lives, especially if it is small. There is nothing wrong with being too happy.

Love is not just sentimental mush on a greeting card. It is a practiced discipline of defying our ego’s voice. It is relying on the Holy Spirit and focusing on the our capacity to love by training our minds to the habits of loving.

Today’s goal is peace. I should have that tattooed somewhere.

Buy your own copy of A Return to Love and The Gift of Change by Marianne Williamson on Amazon

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

Book Review: Love Does by Bob Goff

Love Does is the name of the latest book I read by author, Bob Goff. “That’s one of the things about love. It doesn’t recognize boundaries and never obeys the rules we try to give it,” wrote Goff. All 224 pages of this bright blue book with colorful balloons that don the cover, I think to help us remember to allow some adventure into our every day lives, Bob tells story after story that are meant to remind us that Love Does.

“I think every day God sends us an invitation to live and sometimes we forget to show up or get head-faked into thinking we haven’t really been invited. But you see, we have been invited — every day, all over again.” Bob Goff

Bob is a Christian but he isn’t like a lot of the Christians I have met. He is very laid back. He is very relational. In fact that is his entire motivation, even referring to some of his experiences at bible studies as feeling more like stalking Jesus than getting to know Him. Bob wasn’t trying to put down people who study their bibles he just felt like there had to be more to his relationship than just memorizing words. He wanted to find out how to relate the words to how he lives his life.

“What if we were just to do awesome, incredible stuff together while we’re here on earth and the fact that only He knew would be enough? If we did that, we wouldn’t get confused about who was really making things happen.” Bob Goff

This book reads like a familiar old friend; sometimes it even feels like a safe hug. Bob Goff has not lost his child-likeness and it is refreshing. I can feel it in my heart that he loves freely, like my wife, Karen, so he must be a kindred spirit. It took me a week to read, only because I was too sick to hold the book up for 3 days. As I read this book it felt like parts of me were being dusted off.

Bob reminded me that the religious people don’t get to pick who goes to heaven, God does. It is my job just to love. I don’t have to worry about anything else. I worry a lot. I needed the reminder.

I think about experiences I have had a churches, even experiences I have had at my own hand in where I tried to “overcome satan” for lack of a better term. I always felt slimed later. It wasn’t for me. I am an encourager. I am not a fighter. I love that Bob refuses to capitalize the first letter of his name. We really do give that guy too much attention…I think I learned a lot about who I am in Bob’s few lines about his approach to this fallen angel, who isn’t sorry and never will be:

“When I think about satan, my thoughts go to how Jesus interacted with him in the desert. Jesus spoke with him in just a few seconds and then sent him away…” Bob Goff

Reading good books is a great part of wellness because it helps us see new ways to live. My therapist suggested this book to me over a year ago and I have had it for about that amount of time. I am so glad I took the time to buy it and read it. I needed to hear positive stories from a person that is easy to respect and like. I highly recommend this book to anyone, even if you are not a believer because the book isn’t really about Jesus, although it does talk about Him, it is about the adventures that Bob takes from his childhood through his adulthood and how those adventures and being open to some whimsy can lead to more adventures and places you never thought you would go. Even if that is just into relationships that are more fulfilling than sitting alone.

Buy your own copy of Love Does by Bob Goff on Amazon.com

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

GI Jane 2 or The Slap Heard Round The United States

There are things about society that bewilder me. It seems people are so quick to have an opinion about others that they have never met and that seems odd to me. Take for instance the slap heard round the United States…starring Will Smith. I didn’t even watch the Oscars, not because I didn’t want to, I was doing something else and forgot about them but at some point, I kept hearing about something Mr. Smith did so I thought I would check it out.

My experience at the clip I saw of Chris Rock’s comment towards Jada Pinkett-Smith and Will Smith’s reaction left me dumbfounded.

About Mr. Smith…

I don’t know this man but I have followed him a bit because I think he is a great actor. I see he is trying to be a good man. He has great energy and he is trying to grow and be a positive force in the world. The fact that he has remained married so long as a Hollywood A-lister is admirable. Marriage is a special and complicated relationship at best, and Hollywood warps that experience to a place far beyond the norm…Then he walks up to Chris Rock, a comedian, known for his teasing style of comedy and slaps him for a comment that was not terrible…

I am still confused.

Enter everyone’s opinions. Some want him retired. Some sing his praises. Why do we think we get to judge people so much? Why does everyone think we all get a say?

If an actor is known for being violent on set and people don’t want to work with them, then they naturally will lose rolls. Personally I can’t consider that ending his career would be anyone’s right but his and the people who will or wont hire him. If a person has a bad moment at a public event and the committee that runs the event decides to restrict access or fine a person for behavior that is unbecoming, that is none of my business. I am sure the fact that Mr. Smith has been restricted from the Oscars for the next 10 years has made several people very happy; to me it is just a natural consequence.

Innocent people are losing their homes and lives in another part of the world. Children are going to bed hungry. People are living on the streets and every late night talk show host is talking about Will Smith…and I keep hearing how as a nation, we need to heal from this situation. The confusion keeps growing…

About Mr. Rock…

I am going to be honest here. I have rarely enjoyed Chris Rock. I don’t like how he picks at people but I understand that many people enjoy this style of comedy. However, as he has gotten older, I see he is softening. Honestly I thought his comment to Jada Pinkett-Smith about her short hair was not a put down. I think she is incredibly stunning with short hair. I did not know she had alopecia. Maybe he didn’t know either. And his reference to her starring in a GI Jane 2, could have been a compliment, in my opinion. GI Jane is a great movie.

I am incredibly astounded, still, by how he responded to Mr. Smith’s behavior. He took the slap and responded with grace; not only by keeping the show going but by not pressing charges and making the matter bigger. I must say I really respect Mr. Rock for his choices in this matter.

About Mrs. Pinkett-Smith

Why can’t I find what she thinks about all this? Hello? She is a strong woman. She doesn’t usually require saving. I don’t know her, but, like her husband, I have admired her work and the authenticity she tries to embody.

I really thought about this situation more than I wanted to. Days later, it occurred to me that I never prayed for them so I did and God whispered things to me that helped me have even more compassion for all of them. I am so thankful I am not part of the Hollywood Roster

In a Nut Shell…

One guy hit another guy for making a comment about his wife. The guy who got hit forgave the guy that hit him and the guy that hit him admitted he was wrong and asked to be forgiven. Yes, many people saw it, but really it was a personal issue that got aired in public because of a moment of bad judgment. Nobody else was hit. These things happen every day. The only difference is that we are talking about celebrities and not Steve and Mark, down the block. As a society, I maintain that putting people on platforms because they are talented enough to make a ton of money, dishonors the regular Joes and Janes in the world and my brain cannot see value in that. Will Smith is a valuable person but he is no more valuable than me and I don’t want to be judged by one bad moment.

All this judging of each other is a waste of time and this imaginary need to heal as a nation we put on ourselves only distracts us from real things we need to heal from. We definitely need to keep praying for ourselves and each other.

My one thought…the scene that would have been epic..

After Chris Rock made his comment about Jada Pinkett-Smith being in GI Jane 2

Pinkett-Smith: Borrowing Demi Moore’s line after a severe beating by the Master Chief, “Suck my dick!”

Will and anyone at the Oscars: acting as Moore’s fellow soldiers, “Hoorah!”

…now that would have been a great moment…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

Respect is Key

Love is important but respect is key.

Karen and I had a rare moment where we weren’t exhausted or didn’t have to be somewhere. We were enjoying that moment by having a nice talk. I told her I thought love was fickle. To me, respect was most important. I give every person a certain level of respect, as a human, but respect is a two way street and must be earned. I think I respect Karen the most out of everyone I have met (besides Jesus).

Karen is a magnificent person who has the ability to let each person be themself without losing herself. It may appear that she might be a pushover but she is actually very measured and in more control of situations than expected. She is honorable, loyal and wise. She has helped teach me how you can’t have true love without respect. She is not perfect but she will admit that too…and she is working on herself all the time which I totally respect as well.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

Book Review: The Soul of the Indian

I read this book yesterday. It only has 64 pages so I drank two cups of green tea with honey, from my friend Heike, to help with my allergies and digested the words in this book.

The depth of the belief in God, or the Great Mystery, as their Higher Power, is enough to leave me speechless and a little envious. The things taken from the Native Americans and added to or adulterated by white man, are too great to fathom and I shed a few tears and asked God to forgive my ancestors. But the loss white people have, and still may cause the people who were here before anyone else for centuries, is not the greatest knowledge I gleaned from this book.

The reverence the Americans spoken of in this book, toward their Creator is mind blowing. The respect for life, ALL LIFE, before they were affected by alcohol and self centered concepts is astounding! Not just humans, animals and our earth, but everything because they believe that the spirit of God is in everything the Creator made and is alive and worthy of respect. Quiet praise is constant toward the Great Mystery.

Last night I regurgitated some of the beliefs and customs of these peaceful people over and over to Karen. We enjoyed talking about these things and even debated about government influences in the world in response to the information shared.

Today as I put together a meat loaf it occurred to me to thank God for the animals who died for our dinner tonight. Then I was thanking God and asking blessing for all the hands that had a job in growing the produce, processing the seasonings, herbs and condiments…and then the people who created the dishes I used, the tools and appliances I have and home I live in, the clothes I wear and the linens we have, the drivers, the clerks and so on.

We are such a blessed people. History cannot be undone or erased but it can be a tool to bring us to repentance and change in ourself. I have no power to change anyone but I can look honestly at myself and bring the less than perfect parts of me before God, or whatever you call your Higher Power, and make a plan to change: the way I think, speak, live and honor all that My God has let me have in order to bring Him glory.

I can only judge myself and blame myself for the behaviors I have let myself act out, but since restoration is His goal in His great love, Jesus has paid for any blame and I am grateful. I am not perfect, but I am going to keep looking inside myself for anything that does not bring Jesus glory and acknowledge His grace and His newness in me as I try to let go of bad habits that hurt His creation and make Him smaller than He actually is in my life.

If you take anything from this writing, please know that there is no condemnation for those in Christ. If you feel defensive, repent and ask your Higher Power to show you how to be better. This message is not meant to make anyone feel bad or guilty but ask you to look to Your Creator and ask how you can be better from this moment forward.

I do not believe in a fire and brimstone god or one who wants me to feel guilt and shame because that is not what Jesus taught. I believe in The Lord that is happy to have made me, live for me, die for me, return to life and show me how to live in peace and love with Him.

With all my heart: God loves you and is happy He made you, no matter who you are, what you have done or what has been done to you and He is the God of reconciliation. Be blessed!

If you want to purchase this book, I bought my copy of The Soul of the Indian by Charles Alexander (Ohiyesa) Eastman on Amazon.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

I am I and You are You

There should be a difference between our public and personal behaviors. There are things I do at home that I would never do in public. The same with public health guidelines and personal choices.

We must own our behaviors and choices and stop being defensive, while knowing that the same right I have to believe or live in a certain way, is also your right too. We don’t have to agree but we should be respectful.

We also don’t all have to be friends. If my beliefs and choices offend you, and you have discussed it with me, and I don’t accommodate you, you have the right to choose how much of your time you want to give me; as I also have the same right to choose how much time I want give you.<

You don’t have to own the weight of my choices. You don’t have to change me. Your responsibility is to your physical and mental health and to learn and respect your boundaries. If you choose to give your time and energy to others, own that too.

We are all dealing with personal issues from our past and present. It is ok to not engage with people that make you tired or feel defensive. These people may not mean to steal from you, but if someone cannot be enough for themselves and they purposefully or inadvertently take your energy, you have the right to be your best person separately from them.

People that make you tired are not getting the best you either…you eventually will abuse them in your exhaustion even if you don’t want to. I have experienced being the abuser on both sides: I have taken too much and I have defended myself to the detriment of others and myself…even with people I love.

I have reasons for wearing or not wearing a mask, getting a vaccine or not, eating in restaurants or not…or any other behaviors that might trigger you. I don’t have to share these with you. You don’t have to explain yourself to me either; however we must respect each other enough to not abuse each other for our choices and choose how much time we will give to each other.

There have been many lovely people that I have wanted to have a closer relationship with, that never worked out. It didn’t work because our paths were different and we had to choose where we used our time. These choices had nothing to do with the level of respect we had for each other.

Each person has only enough energy for a certain amount of relationships based on how they live, work and view relationships. Karen and I are intense people. One thing we have in common is how we view relationships, although we may interact with the people around us very differently based on our perspectives, personalities and energy levels. Our relationship with each other is paramount to any other, except our God. We have an extreme need for a higher level of privacy than many people we have met and we each have about 2 extremely close friends, about 2 close friends and everyone else is an acquaintance at varying levels. We don’t do this because we don’t love people but because we do love people and highly value relationship and we are hard workers that have to balance our responsibility to our work, personal and family relationships. I also have many chronic illnesses that affect our choices on how we use our time. I am assuming everyone must decide how they use their time, energy and devotion and I know that everyone has different levels of what they can give and receive from the world.

Society paints an illusion that we must be the same with everyone in many versions of codependent experiences and expectations. This is not true. If you cannot or won’t do a certain thing that I find vital to my existence, it is ok. I don’t disregard your freedom to live your life. It is yours and mine is mine. We don’t have to set fire to each other because we don’t live the same way. We only need to give each other the grace to live knowing that some decisions we make will keep others outside our space and we can choose to stay out of other people’s spaces if they do not align with what we need to be successful.

My choices, behaviors, beliefs are mine and yours are yours. This is how we love our neighbor as ourself. Jesus told us to give freely, not to the detriment to ourself and others. I give everything I have until I have to stop. Sometimes I feel loss because I don’t have what others need. Sometimes I feel loss because I don’t have enough for my own needs. This is part of the limitation of being human. Love as much as you can. It is ok to say no.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

Here and Now

This morning, for the first time in almost 2 weeks, I had the energy to lay Karen‘s clothes out for work, tidy up, make coffee and Karen’s lunch (including scrubbing her lunch box), check email and try to get Karen out of bed in time to grab a real breakfast before her long shift at Safeway…

I had this great post planned in my head as I was lying in bed with my family, enjoying the moment. There was a moment that my hand fit in Karen’s and Xavier was lying on my chest with his paw on my cheek. It was sweet. One moment where we were all holding onto each other. I got some great sleep last night, even before I fell asleep it was sweet and silly. I have been really sick all month and I finally decided to stop living with the pain and vape a bit of high CBD so I could relax. I have been using the same cartridge I bought in September 2019, so I obviously don’t do this often.

>Read Learning About Cannabis for Pain

That great post is gone now but I will try for something great…

Last night ended up being great night! I couldn’t talk and that made me laugh. I could feel my body letting go of the tension, first in my face and head, then my hands and then slowly, my midsection. Xavier decided to lay on my stomach for a while and it seemed like much longer than usual. He and I are both very anxious creatures so he generally does a check in and then gets overly stimulated and has to walk away for a bit. He is terrified of being under blankets so if I put my hands under the blanket he leaves. But last night he was happy to sit and purr and didn’t care if I slipped under the blankets. I was pretty inebriated so I can only gauge how long the visit was by the amount of time he spent on me while we watched SNL…even by that measurement, it was a longer and more peaceful sit than we have had in a long time. I think he must have been enjoying my calm.

Being Sick

I have been miserable for the entire month of January. It seemed like all my chronic conditions each wanted to host their own rager…I have a lot of them so it has been quite the ride. I was never much of a partier so I am ready for peace. That said it has been a month of total blessings right along with the trials. Although I have been dealing with symptoms that left me exhausted, and in fact the last two weeks I have hardly been able to stay awake long enough to use the restroom and drink ridiculous amounts of water. The inflammation in my abdomen had effected all of me so I was forcing myself to eat small amounts, in order to just have enough calories to function. I could not cook or do the laundry or any of the things I do to maintain our home and Karen as she works her 2 jobs, on top of trying to keep Wellness Works NW open during a pandemic and all that implies, so Karen had those things on her shoulders too, which I feel bad about but she says I shouldn’t…

As I could do little but sleep, I would pray. I couldn’t sit up long enough to read my bible so I figured I would use the time to just talk with God as He inspired me to. During my moments of lucidity here are just a few things that bless my so much!

  • Karen is so devoted to our family and always figures out how to make everything happen. She even figured out how to do the laundry and only shrunk 2 shirts!
  • Xavier is good at taking care of me. He knows when I need to take meds and does what it takes to get me up to do that. He has figured out how to grab my arm and just hold it to show me to try to relax. Even when he is too anxious to interact too much with me, he sits and holds his gaze on mine to remind me that we will be ok. He is the perfect Emotional Support Animal for me.
  • My sister Jamie is a rock. Even in her trials she learns from mistakes and blesses everyone around her. She had her own COVID-19 scare and made it through with a negative test result, while praying for her caregiver, who does have it. She is so smart and not over-emotional so she is a great help to me when I don’t know what to do.
  • One of my oldest friends, Sarah, got her dream job! Praise Jesus!
  • One of my siblings reached out to me and used the word “Trust”. This is huge. I didn’t overreact or over-serve…this too is huge!
  • There were many chances to pray for people on Facebook and watch the blessings flow…I love that!
  • I learned that I LOVE SEAWEED SOUP from Chinese Garden in Longview, WA. It doesn’t smell great, but if you can take a bite you get over it and it is so full of goodness!
  • God carried me through, as always.

Crazy is REAL and COMMON

I crashed yesterday. You can only try to maintain through pain so long…While I have been sick I have been having lots of nightmares. I would wake up and talk to God about them. Most of my nightmares are either real events I have lived through or symbolic of real trauma situations or relationships. I don’t want to hold people guilty for things they can’t undo, especially when I know they are just as exposed, if not more, to emotional neglect, mental and physical abuse…I can’t hold someone guilty forever without hurting myself and I don’t want to hurt them either. Most of these people are smart, good, hard working people and they were just surviving; the neglect and abuse, no matter how much it hurt me, was in most cases, just them living the way they know how to live.

But I keep hearing a moment in Blue Bloods (Season 10, Episode 16) where Erin says to her ex-husband, Jack, “You hurt me.”

They say a few more lines and then Jack asks her how he is supposed to respond and Erin says, “You aren’t.”

There is a universal truth to this conversation. Many times when people hurt each other, it is only our responsibility to handle our pain. The truth is there are people who hurt me. I know I have hurt them too. The revelation seems fresh to me, however it isn’t. I carry pain inside me that has been with me forever. I don’t mean to. Scientists have proven that our muscles have memory and we carry our trauma with us. Even if that is true, I want to be honest with myself so that I can walk forward and not worry about the past. God wants me to live in the moment. In Genesis 19, Lot’s wife became a pillar of salt when she looked back as they fled for their lives. God told them not to look back. She may have become overwhelmed by the very site of God raining down His punishment on Sodom and Gomorrah but either way the woman lost her life because she looked back instead of living in the moment, like God said. I don’t want to be like Lot’s wife.

I also really want Jesus to bless these people who aren’t with me right now. I want them to be healthy, successful and happy. I don’t want to make a painful situation worse.

Emotional Break was Imminent

Besides this revelation, I had another this week: I have had migraines since at least 6th grade and I didn’t know it. I have a ridiculous pain threshold. I thought the whooshing sound I heard in my head was a hallucination or stress because I never had a heart attack or stroke and they usually happen when I am torqued. I had been checking my temperature and Karen had been checking my pulse and they were normal as it sounded like troops marching in my ears and felt like someone was shoving golf balls through the veins at the base of my neck. I felt sorry for my 10-year-old self who had way too much responsibility. I had to fight back the guilt laden tapes of people begging me to go to the doctor when I was a girl, that I rebelled against because it was the only thing I could control and I would not be allowed to go alone and I didn’t want to be the reason for someone else’s mental break because I wasn’t the child they wanted or needed me to be. I had read the Mayo Clinic website several times trying to take in what it had to say while memories of my younger self flushed over me.

Another reason for my crash, besides the normal stress of living in a hotel and trying to find housing, being chronically ill, both physically and mentally, COVID-19, politics and all the other normal challenges of life is a choice I made. I kept seeing this #senioryearchallenge and I know I needed to stay clear of it. I knew it would not help me. But in a moment of being sick and wanting to find a way to feel less disconnected I answered the questions.

You don't have to read this...it is mainly so I can share it with my therapist...

Think about your SENIOR year in High School…if you can remember that long ago!! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be! It doesn’t take but 5 minutes, do it!!! 😊.

Class of: 1993

  1. Did you know your current love? I knew Jesus but not my wife…
  2. Type of car? White 1976 Plymouth Gran Fury my friends referred to as the Love Boat, which I never understood…but I do remember times we had 8 ladies in the car, sharing seat belts on more than one occasion…we had a ridiculous amount of bomb threats that year.
  3. What kind of job? Nanny for the Pegg’s, Child care provider at First Baptist Church, random babysitting jobs and chauffeur, housekeeper and whatever else they needed for my family.
  4. Where did you live? Longview, WA
  5. Were you popular? I never thought of myself as popular, but people always knew my name… I always thought it was that my name was easy to remember but it could also be that I was disassociating a lot or too tired at school to remember meeting people. Honestly I don’t remember a lot from high school.
  6. Were you in choir or band? Choir
  7. Ever get suspended? No
  8. If you could, would you go back and do it again? No. I would have never been able to hear what I would say to my 17 year old self, which is the only reason I would want to go back…
  9. Still talk to the person that you went to prom with? I went to prom with 10 beautiful women that didn’t have traditional dates. We had dinner at Charlie’s, forced the photographer to accommodate us by rearranging the set so we could all fit in the picture (we even grabbed a few friends from their dates), danced till we couldn’t dance anymore and then overwhelmed the staff at Topper’s with our extreme laughter and a video camera that was used to inspire great silliness. Technically my date was, my sister, Jamie Holloway and we chat daily!
  10. Did you skip school? Yes but usually it was to run errands for my single parent.
  11. Go to all the Football games? Senior year I made a point of going to games but I had no idea about the game until I started watching games with Karen G Clemenson…she is the only one who knew how to answer my questions.
  12. Favorite subject? Journalism and Creative Writing
  13. Do you still have your yearbooks? Most of them…my sibling “misplaced” my senior year book.
  14. Did you follow your career path? I have been so blessed to be everything I have ever wanted to be, short of mother and grandmother, but I am not dead yet… but my plan of being a grade school teacher wasn’t what I really wanted so…no.
  15. Do you still have your high school ring? I never got one. Highly school was not something I really wanted to commemorate with a ring, but I did buy a mini ring necklace that still lives in my jewelry box and my mug holds my writing utensils.
  16. Who was your favorite teacher? Mrs Darby
  17. What was your favorite style? I am not sure there is a name for my style in high school. I was pretty eccentric…I made most of my shirts and they were pretty bright and ridiculous…leggings and my torn up jeans were my favs.
  18. Favorite shoes? I have lived in Birkenstocks since I was 14…flat feet…
  19. Favorite food? French fries with ranch (yuck!)
  20. Favorite band? Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Amy Grant, Heart
  21. High school hairstyle? Long with bangs, dyed reddish brown
  22. What cologne / perfume did you wear? Electric Youth and Avon’s Summer of 1975
  23. How old when you graduated? 17
  24. Who do you think will play along and fill this out? YOU. 🙂 Hopefully. 🙂
  25. What high school did you attend? RA Long High School

I know it seems harmless enough but it opened a chasm of old tapes, feelings and partial memories; kind of like a volcano of hurt.

Every time I have a hurt or a memory or dream I try to give to to God ASAP. I really do. My brain and body have lived through things they can’t forget. I can tell myself it isn’t happening anymore, it wasn’t as bad for me as other people I know, but even that seems like not honoring myself. There are people in my past that wanted me to be like their version of me and they refused to acknowledge that it is ok to not like a certain item, regardless of the great deal they got on a such a high quality item or how thankful they think I should be for whatever they are trying to make me want. On a normal day I can move on. When you are sick it is really hard to get out of your head…Although I tried. I texted a few young adults I know, how proud of them I am. I searched Facebook for people to pray for. I listed good things that had happened in the last few days. I told God how amazing and MAJESTIC He is…

When Karen got home, I lost it. I can’t cry right now. I have had a migraine for a week now and crying with a migraine really FUCKING hurts! (I am sorry there is just no other way to put it) I also knew that with this chasm of old feelings freshly exposed, my tears, if they started, would get out of control and 45 years of soul wrenching sobs would scare the other guests here and I know there are children here. I wont hurt a child, if I can help it…So I threw myself on the bed and surrounded myself with pillows and tried to breathe and let my body convulse. In case you didn’t know, twitching is an anxiety response. Xavier meowed to let me know he was near but he was going to stay out of my way and my beloved stood ready to help and then honored my request to ignore me because I just had to deal with myself. I could hear my family watching TV and playing together (they are awesome) while I thanked God for holding me. It is the biggest anxiety attack I have had in a long time. When it was quiet I realized the prayers, essential oils, my tincture and all the tools I have learned in therapy were not enough and I quietly asked my wife to go buy me a new battery for my vape pen and she did.

We ate a quiet dinner. I got all our medications and supplements in their sorters for the week and made the bed ready for collapsing in and told Karen whatever didn’t get done by 11:30 pm didn’t need to be done…Karen really enjoys Saturday Night Live…she even went outside with me, although she would never use cannabis for any reason and then she helped me walk back inside. I think she really enjoyed this part because I was giggling so much. Even though I was really intoxicated, I realized how much I have healed in the last few years. It has been a year since I vaped and I never giggled like that, since I was 20 and not using cannabis for medical reasons. 🙂

I slept so well! When I did wake up it wasn’t from a nightmare but God was whispering to me, “Here and Now.” I am still only at about 85% but if you made it this far I want to thank you. Not only did you bother to read this short novel, but I want to convey that with the bad there is positive if you really look for it. The hurts I have would not be so terrible if there weren’t so many good memories that make me miss the people that I can’t be with because I am not able to make healthy choices in their presence. Or if I didn’t respect that they have the right to be themselves and they don’t have to want to change to make me better. Being in an EPIC flare was filled with sweet moments with Jesus, talking about people I love and thanking Him for choosing to save me and love me. Even in all the turmoil, Karen and I have continued to support and praise each other for our successes while being authentic and honoring of each other…even though I can often hear venom in my voice which is only because I am suffering and that is what pain sounds like.

I still maintain that I am a blessed woman. I hope you know you are blessed too.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.