by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 23, 2022 | Cancer, Prayers
I was supposed to have a D&C on Monday. If you don’t know what that is. It is short for Dilation and Cutterage and it is exactly what it sounds like. It would have been my third one since I got my endometrial cancer diagnosis. The reason I didn’t have the procedure is that my insurance doesn’t want to cover the possibility that the IUD would have to be replaced at the end of the procedure.
Because my cancer is in stage 1 and class 1 we are treating my cancer with a D&C every 3 months, placement of a Molina IUD to help balance my hormones in hopes that my body will fight off the cancer on it’s own and then with the highest dose of Megestrol I can take every day. My insurance doesn’t want to cover an IUD that should last 5 years but it has to be removed for the procedure plus normal wear and tear sometimes makes it so that it must be replaced sooner. I can see why my insurance company is saying no.
I have a lot of doctor bills. They actually are probably pretty normal for a middle class family but we are not a middle class family. We have filled out all the applications for assistance but it seems like it still takes a lot of phone calls and time to get the wheels moving to get grants to help. I can understand this too. Right now, Legacy is concerned about the size of my account. I don’t blame them. I make payments each month but it all takes time and money and I have time and very little money.
I can see why we have been rescheduled for August for my next procedure. This procedure is the pivotal moment. This is the one that tells us whether the treatment has worked or if we need to talk about more serious options. This also gives us time to get assistance in order. It also let’s Karen start at her new promotion, get trained and receive her raise and work with her union. It may be that adding me to her insurance and having her insurance cover what mine won’t is the answer. We will see.
I am excited for Karen’s promotion. She has worked so hard for this. She loves it! And I get to see her more…plus it even leaves her more time to work with clients so she can still work on her dream of being a personal trainer. It’s a win-win all around.
When I do have my next procedure, if there isn’t enough change to see that the treatment is working we will have to plan for a laparoscopic hysterectomy. This surgery means I would have to essentially be upside down on the table for the procedure and that will put a lot of pressure on my lungs. If it seems that my body can’t handle this, the procedure will be cancelled and we will have to stop and plan for something else.
I am not a candidate for a vaginal hysterectomy. My uterus is very enlarged and I am very narrow. There is not enough room to safely remove my uterus without making sure all the blood vessels are handled correctly so that I don’t bleed out on the table. I appreciate that my doctor doesn’t want me to die during surgery. That doesn’t sound fun for either of us.
If the laparoscopic surgery doesn’t work we have to talk about an abdominal removal of my female organs which is dangerous and increases the risk of infection. We can also consider radiation. I am not wanting to consider either of these options but I will if I have to.
I am asking you to pray for me and my wife. She is good at wearing a strong face but I know she is worried. I am a stubborn woman and short of death, I will fight through no matter what but I worry about Karen. I don’t like pain but I am used to pain…although that doesn’t mean I want more.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 22, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions
We Are Not Like Them is a novel written by Christine Pride and Jo Piazza. Like the writers, the main characters are women, one black and one white. Riley and Jenny have been friends since they were little girls. Jenny’s single mom was a free spirit who often enjoyed leaving Jenny with Riley’s family while she went on adventures. She knew they were good people and Jenny felt like she was part of their family, even though her skin was white and her hair was smooth and blonde.
The story begins as they are adults well beyond those more simple times. Riley is a news broadcaster and Jen is the wife of a police officer that has just shot a 14-year-old black boy. Jen’s husband, Kevin, is not a bad man or a bad cop, but in a split second, his training to support this partner has led him to a transitional moment that is causing their whole world to shake.
There are many things about racism and prejudice that can’t be put into words but you can feel them if you listen. I felt it in this book and I have felt it while walking beside my wife for the last 8 years. We can hear some of those things in a poem from chapter 7, in the book, that was shared at the funeral of Justin, by Justin, the boy killed at the beginning of the book:
What do you see when you see me?
Have you made up your mind about who I can be?
You could get to know me if you tried
You could see what I’m like inside
I am made of blood, bones, and muscles too.
So how can you say I am less than you?
I have so many dreams, even at my age.
Let me be free, don’t put me in a cage.
Watch what I can do.
In the book, Riley gets the chance to cover some of the story and interview the grieving mother. As great as this is for her career it really stretches her relationship with Jen as they are forced to look at issues they have never talked about before. Will their love and history be enough to carry them through this time?
“When I think of Kevin pulling that trigger…” She stops and shakes her head. “But I also believe that he gets a chance to explain himself, Jenny too. But things have always happened in the world, especially to our folks, but we can’t shut down every time they do. No choice but to keep pushing forward. It’s the same for you and Jenny — you gotta talk to see where you go from here.” Sandra Wilson, Riley’s mother, chapter 9.
I got this book from my sister, Jamie Holloway, you can read her review at JamieChasesButterflies.com.
We Are Not Like Them has come to me at a time when I am trying to come to peace with things I haven’t put words to in my life, but need to, like racism which I never had to worry about when I was a single white woman. I am well aware of prejudice as a woman with mental and physical chronic illness who is poor, fat and queer but I couldn’t understand my wife’s poor luck until I came to terms with the fact that racism is real but not something she wastes time worrying about. I admire Karen G Clemenson for that. Her strength is so much like Riley’s mother. Karen never lets anything keep her down. She takes the loss and keeps moving forward. So that is what we do.
…with that said, I think you should read this book. Your viewpoint will be totally different than mine and I would love to hear what you think!
Buy your own copy of We Are Not Like Them by Christine Pride and Jo Piazza on Amazon…
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 18, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Education, Opinions
“I learned a strange thing — that in a jumble of unintelligible talk the word “nigger” leaps out with electric clarity. You always hear it and always it stings. And always it casts the person using it into a category of brute, ignorance.” John Howard Griffin, Black Like Me, November 8 excerpt
I recently re-read this powerful book entitled Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin. I remember reading it in high school, back in the early 90’s but really all I remembered was that he was a white man, a journalist, and he had chemically darkened his skin with the help of a dermatologist in order to experience the life of a black man. Every other detail was brand new to me and I have to say reading this book has shaken me to my very core as a white woman, as a United States citizen and as a spouse to a mulatto woman, born in 1965, in North Carolina.
“Walking along Dryades, through the ghetto, I realized that every informed man with whom I had spoken, in the intimate freedom of colored bond, had acknowledged a double problem for the Negro. First, the discrimination against him. Second, and almost more grievous, his discrimination against himself; his contempt for the blackness that he associates with his suffering; his willingness to sabotage his fellow Negroes because they are part of the blackness he has found so painful.” John Howard Griffin, Black Like Me, November 10-12 excerpt
Just as the SS encouraged other Jewish prisoners to abuse and take ownership over other Jewish prisoners during the Holocaust, some white people encouraged black people to abuse each other and most of the rest of the white people stood by and let it happen. I have often read about black culture, slave culture. I know it was common for slaves to abuse their children bitterly because they felt it was better that they beat their children then the master do it. In many families this is still in place, this post slavery trauma response that hasn’t been altered by time because of lots of reasons, all individual to each family. And not just because of lack of education or change in some black families but the lack of education and change in some white families; the existence of white supremacy that is so accepted that we don’t realize it is there.
In his November 14 excerpt, Griffin travels to Mississippi, against the advice of his new friends who have been very helpful to his change over to his new life. Recently the FBI had delivered evidence that proved a black man had been kidnapped and lynched in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, yet the Pearl River County Grand Jury failed to return any indictments or even consider the provided information.
Although Griffin found it relatively pleasant in New Orleans, at the train/bus station, his experience was one of pure hatred. The woman who sold his ticket to him, almost would not. She gave him the “hate stare” and when she did finally change his $10 bill, she threw his change and ticket at him, instead of handing it to him or placing it on the counter. Although the depot was large and empty, except for a porter and one white man, that man also gave him the “hate stare” making it obvious he was not welcome. The porter, who was black, showed him to the crowded, COLORED CAFE located behind the depot.
While traveling into Mississippi the black people seemed to become more caring, as if they were a buffer for the hatred from the white folks, this was a common occurrence everywhere Griffin went. When the bus would stop, the driver would allow the white people off but not the black people for bathroom breaks. Griffen noted that farm animals are given more grace. As they came closer to Hattiesburg, a woman was happy to warn Griffen to never look at a white woman, “look at the ground or to the side.” He wasn’t even to look at a picture of a woman at the movie theater or in a magazine.
Another black man advised him of a safe place to stay and offered to check in with him in the morning. Griffen was impressed by his kindness but he was scared. He was intimidated by the white boys driving by and yelling at him and other people on the street. The squalor of the room, the fear he felt, it was so great that he felt he couldn’t even write a letter to his white wife and this led him to reach out to a journalist friend that lived in the area that he thought might take him in.
The journalist was glad to have him. His viewpoint in his writings left he and his family isolated and he enjoyed having Griffen help him with his writing, but Griffen could not rest there, and he couldn’t do what he set out to do there. Before his friend brought him back to New Orleans, they visited Dillard University (November 16). As kind as his friend was to him, he was different around “real” black people: “Did you ever see such a damn beautiful campus for a bunch of niggers? They’re getting uppityer and uppiter.” This viewpoint was shockingly different from the abolitionist and advocate he portrayed in his work and personal life, working for equal voting rights.
This way of making an exception for a black person you know but not the entire race is another way that prejudice can hide in plain sight and I think it still thrives today. I believe fear comes in all colors and if we aren’t willing to look at it and call it what it is, we will never become enlightened.We will remain afraid, small and unable to change.
“The whites frequently walk into colored restrooms, Scotch-tape these notices to the wall. This man offered his services free to any Negro woman over 20, offered to pay, on an ascending scale, from $2 for a nineteen-year-old girl, up to $7.50 for a fourteen-year-old and more for perversion dates. He gave a contact point for later in the evening and urged any Negro man who wanted to earn $5 for himself to find him a date within this price category…To the Negro who sees the element of the white man’s nature — and he sees it much more often than any other — the white man’s comments about the Negro’s alleged “immorality” rings maidenly hollow.” John Howard Griffin, Black Like Me, November 16 excerpt
Believe it or not, this is not the most deplorable example of degrading actions that white men portrayed against black men and women, yet it explains how a black women could feel she is only worthy as a sex object and how men are supposed to use and abuse that part of her, instead of honoring and respecting her. I know that so many people have grown beyond this. I do know that 1960 happened 62 years ago and I see a lot of growth that I am thankful for but I also see where we haven’t changed too. Areas were poverty and crime prevail women and men still violate and dishonor each other every day. It is like the self-hatred has been passed down through generations and gotten stronger.
As Griffen traveled through the South, he often hitchhiked. This was common during this time and he was most often picked up by white men who wanted to fill their sexual deviant minds with questions they thought were acceptable to ask this man because he was black or COLORED as was the term used at the time. One young college man was surprised that Griffen could tell him that black people were parents just like white people and they wanted their children to grow up healthy and remain virgins as long as possible just like white parents. It impressed him, but not enough to stop him from asking Griffen to show himself to him. Another man became violent and threatened to kill him when Griffen would not answer his vile questions.
Money was another way that black people were controlled. Gas taxes paid by all were used to maintain beaches black people were not allowed to use. Stores would offer credit to black families, yet it seemed like fees were always added so that they could never be paid off so the families were always so poor they could barely afford to improve their homes or clothe their children.
One man that picked up Griffen, brought him home with him, he was positive that there was nowhere safe for him to stay for the night. He let him know that he only had 2 bedrooms and 6 children but he could have the floor and it was clean. Griffen had bought a loaf of bread and a few candy bars before he was picked up. When they reached the man’s home Griffen met the man’s wife and children. She was happy to meet him and happy all her children were healthy, she mentioned that many families had children that were blind or maimed in some way, Her husband was a little embarrassed in his meager home and plain dinner of beans with no meat but Griffen praised his beautiful and obviously healthy children until the father beamed. He offered the bread and they enjoyed a feast. They sliced up the candy bars for dessert and were thankful. This experience really made Griffen appreciate how hard this man worked for his family.
Within a week Griffen could no longer handle being black all the time and stopped taking the medication that was keeping him dark. He applied a dye to his skin when he was prepared to enter society as a black man that would wash off when he had had enough. So much of society was shut off to him as a black man. He spent most of his time walking, worrying about what bench or park he could sit in, what bathroom he could use, what fountain he could drink from, if there was a colored cafe nearby where he could get a bite to eat. All of these things were few and far between. In more religious areas, whites were sometimes more gentle but there was always a line that Griffen had to be aware of in order to keep the peace. There were no jobs he could have. They were either taken or being weeded out by communities that were purposely making it impossible for black people to survive there before the equality laws were passed. White men said these things to him like they were telling him the prices of a bushel of apples.
When Griffen returned home, he was overjoyed to see his wife and 3 children but even his publisher offered him an out. He did not have to publish anything about his adventure. But Griffen was committed to sharing what he had learned. With that came what he was expecting. Hatred. Threats. Quiet gratitude. In the end his family and his parents had to move from their Texas home to New Mexico to be free from the violent calls and threats but Griffen remained faithful to his truth and he had gained respect from many people of all colors.
In no way have I shared the entire story. I think you should read this book. I think you will absorb it differently than I did. I am very glad I walked into Storyboard Delights on Karen’s arm last month and found it on the used book shelf. This book has helped me understand a few things about my wife, things that I always loved but made me really respect her even more for, about the way she responds to people. Her humility and servant attitude are skin deep and I know that some of it is learned behavior from being a mixed girl child of the south. Not just black, not just white, not just Native American…with those freckles and too much pride. I know she has lived through trauma and when she is too tired to hide it, I meet a girl that has been hurt. I have a friend that moved to Arkansas and she often tells me I should move there and how much I would love it. I don’t think I would, but more importantly, and I finally told her this: my wife is a mulatto female that worked really hard to leave the south, and although I would like to visit, I don’t ever see us moving there. I think she finally understood.
I live in a town that is 87% white. In Longview, Washington 10% of the population is mixed and all other races are less than 2%. I have been thinking about this for a few days. Actually I have been thinking about this off and on for quite some time because my wife has eluded to it a couple times. I have come to the conclusion that there are lots of reasons people of color would move here. I am glad they did. When I was growing up here, I bet Longview was more like 97% white and I enjoy seeing the diversity. I like seeing change. I made a comment that I don’t care what color a person is, but it is more than that. it isn’t that I don’t care about a person’s color, because what I care about is the person’s heart. I love to learn about their culture, beliefs and who they are. I do think dark skin is more beautiful than white skin but my wife says that is just a preference…I think she is correct.
Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin showed me that there were many types of people: hateful people, enlightened people, and complacent people and they come in all colors. I don’t care what color you are, what I really care about is how open you are to becoming enlightened; letting go of fear and embracing love, peace and freedom. I am not perfect. I can say I probably have a mix of all three characteristics in me, but I hope I am more enlightened than I used to be. I do know that next time someone asks me if I am prejudiced, instead of being defensive or fighting with them, I am willing to saying, “Let me consider that. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.”
Buy your own copy of Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin on Amazon
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 15, 2022 | About Summer, Opinions, Prayers
I sometimes feel bombarded. The world has so much pain in it and there is so much to forgive. I recently got into a debate with an unwilling person on Facebook and I feel bad about that. I know they are dealing with a lot of past trauma. They are in the venting mode and lately my newsfeed is inundated with the negative memes and messages they feel they need to share with the world as they tell every bad thing that ever happened to them. I usually can overlook this because I understand they are on their own journey and this part of their path, but I am human too.
I chose to step out of my normal supportive mode and challenge them when they suggested that everyone needed to rush over to Hulu and watch a documentary about the evils of tourism. Something in me had to speak. I had to tell them that I don’t watch every documentary and read every negative thing in the world because I can’t feed the part of me that enjoys evil.
In my past I had many fractured parts of me, a coping mechanism that my brain used to handle the stress of my life and through prayer and therapy I have been able to be healed of most of those fractures, but I had a few that didn’t want to leave. I decided to name them so that I could regain control of myself. One of them, I named Gula, another word for gluttony, because she loves evil and she is never satisfied. Since I named her, she seems to be gone. I love that by telling God I didn’t want to be afraid of her, and giving her a name she lost her power.
I tried to share this with my friend, but I knew they weren’t ready to hear this. I wasn’t surprised when they became defensive and suggested that my resistance to know every evil in the world suggested that not enough people cared and that is why the world could not be saved. I told them that I am not ignorant of the evil in the world, I just meter it out in small amounts that I feel I can handle, and as God tells me. I also don’t believe the world can be saved…
That really got them…
I said it. I don’t believe the world can be saved. I have never read in the bible where the world was supposed to be saved. Jesus didn’t come to save the earth. He came to save the children of God. I told my friend that Jesus had conquered the world and told us to rejoice. I believe my job is to unlearn fear and to try to focus on loving myself and others.
They didn’t like what I had to say…I have noticed that they are missing from my newsfeed. I am wondering if they unfriended me. I really do love them. I just got tired. I hope some day they can forgive me.
I have to remind myself that forgiveness comes in waves and layers. I have been having nightmares lately about people in my past. I wake up in pain because I tense up in my sleep. I wake up and forgive the people in my dreams and myself….in layers and waves. I remind myself that I may have to forgive myself and others any number of times.
Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”
Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”
Before I fell asleep last night, Karen had the late night news on. We heard updates on the war in Ukraine. I cried as I watched people desperate to know where they would sleep that night. I cried as I saw the food rotting that was supposed to feed people in Africa and the news feed that estimated that over a million people might die around the world because that food would not be dispersed because of Russian blockades. Then we saw an update on the Buffalo shooting in May, where a white man shot 10 black people to protect the white race. This really made me feel sick, especially since I just finished reading Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin that day.
I prayed before I fell asleep and I woke up praying.
I thought about conversations I have had with another friend that likes Trump for president, again and I am so confused. I don’t understand people that say they are Christians that want him for president. It isn’t that he is a republican. Believe it or not I am an independent and I will vote for any candidate with intelligence, fairness and the ability to work with both parties that I think will be a strong leader. I believe that Trump is probably a genius. I also believe that at the very least he too is a trauma survivor and at the most he is mentally ill and addicted to drama and that makes him a poor leader. Although he is highly intelligent, he kept everyone on the edge of their seat every day of his presidency and it took its toll on me. I could never listen to him and when I did, his words were very antagonistic and sometimes plain foolishness. I am not saying that I probably missed some very intelligent speaking but I know the heart of a man is revealed in his speech and I don’t want a leader that I can’t respect leading me.
Proverbs 15:7
The lips of the wise spread knowledge, but the hearts of fools are not upright.
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Luke 6:45
As good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
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Ephesians 4:29
Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.
I am still praying for Trump, It does me no good to wish hardship on this man that many still listen to. I am praying for myself and my friend too because I don’t like feeling as though I am judging them. I love them. I know they are super smart and a truly loving person. I also know I don’t have to agree with everything everyone says.
Forgiveness is very important and not just for the little things but the things that shake us to our core. We have to look at the things that make us pause and the things that make us feel punched in the chest and decide if we want to be angry or at peace. I want to be at peace. This means I need to be open to seeing other people’s perspective and showing compassion. This world might not be able to be saved, but I can change myself and maybe change situations around myself in the process in love and truth.
Be loved.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 10, 2022 | Life
I recently finished the double book set of A Return to Love and The Gift of Change by Marianne Williamson and I have to say it was an inspiring and challenging undertaking. Although I thought I would like the double book idea, in the end, it felt tedious and I am not sure I will jump at the chance to purchase 2 books in one again. However, that does not take away from the life-changing experiences I had while reading the books and I really think that reading A Return to Love and then The Gift of Change is a wonderful way to reinforce the messages in the two books because the 2nd really reinforces the first. Being that love is the most important thing we need to be relearning and fear be the thing we need to unlearn and forgiveness is key to both.
God Never Loses Enthusiasm For Life!
“Every situation comes bearing a gift: a chance to become who we really want to be and to live the lives we really want to live…God never loses His enthusiasm for life, and neither should we.” Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change
The joy of living comes when we stop seeing ourselves as other people see us, forgive ourselves and others and remember we were born with the purpose of being loved and to love.
The ego is an embodiment of our own self-hatred. It has the power of our minds turned against us while it sabotages our hopes and dreams. It keeps us separate from others. It keeps us afraid.
As we accept that we are children of God and practice loving ourselves and others, our ego gets smaller and less important. Remembering we are all connected through our Creator frees us from fear.
We Are All Connected Through Our Creator
We forget who we are because we forget we are connected through our Creator and Source and we can’t serve wealth and our egos and serve love at the same time. When we remember we are connected we know that by harming others, we harm ourselves so we would never do that. We find ourself saying old negative messages about ourself and we need to stop and reprogram ourself:
I am amazing because God only creates perfection. I recognize my immeasurable value, regardless of my mistakes, for which I ask forgiveness for. I am God’s creation and I ask the universe to reflect back to me the greatness of God that is within me.
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“We are trained within this world, to see ourselves as the ego defines us…We are taught to identify with our guilt more than our innocence, and then we feel haunted by mistakes we feel will dominate the rest of our lives; we are taught to blame others more than to forgive them, and then we get stuck in feelings of victimization; we are taught that we are separate from others, and then we fall prey to grandiosity and insensitivity.” Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change
Changing the World Starts With Changing Our Minds
The thoughts we think can bring us joy or fear depending on whether they are positive or negative. Choosing peace and forgiveness will bring our collective mind closer to peace and forgiveness. What we proclaim to be true will seem to be true. We must train our minds to proclaim gratitude and positive thoughts — there is always goodness. Even if you miss the warm sun and are sick of the rain, trees and vegetables needs lots of rain.
How we see ourself is how we see our life and we are responsible for how we experience our life.
“…life isn’t about not having problems, it’s about becoming someone who knows how to do well within problems in a positive way. It’s about taking full responsibility for however we might have contributed to a problem, forgiving ourselves and others, praying for all concerned, and developing faith that God’s miracle is always on the way.” Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change
When we feel stuck it is because we are looking outside and not inside ourselves and holding onto old coping skills. We blame others when we should take responsibility for our lives. We judge others instead of bless them. We close ourselves off instead of being kind and open-minded. When we deal with our issues we are a blessing to those around us.
How can we bless people instead of judge them when they are hurting us, maybe repeatedly? Ask God to show us their perspective. This will help us have compassion. This might still mean we need to limit our time with this person but loving them instead of closing our hearts to them is a good place to start for reconciliation.
“We were born with a natural desire to extend ourselves in love, yet the thinking of the world then trains us to think unnaturally, spontaneous compassion occurs when situations happen so quickly that ego thoughts of fear and separation are bypassed. Ironically, dangerous situations often bring out the natural in people.” Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change
If You Want Peace You Must Have Time with God
Meditation and spending time with God daily is imperative to peace. It increases our spiritual muscle and makes the challenges of life easier. It also strengthens our relationship and reliance on our Creator. 5 minutes at the beginning of the day is vital. The longer you can spend, the easier it will be to live in peace. These minutes can look like lots of things: giving Him your first thoughts before you get out of bed, bible study, meditation, worship with song and dance, random talks with Him, your last thoughts before you go to sleep. Any time you spend with your Higher Power is going to help you stay focused on your goal to forget fear and learn love.
“If you want a miracle in your life, simply pray for one. For as long as you are willing to change your mind, then God will change your life.” Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change
Our ego is supported by our thoughts that have been trained to pull us away from love and abundance so we experience fear and lack. As we trust more and let fear dissolve, we will live the pure life we were made for. But we have to choose to trust our fears to our Maker. God honors our right to choose our fears. Our ego makes us feel strong when we are defensive but that is an illusion. When we are vulnerable before God, His love can flow through us with His spiritual strength. Childlike peace replaces childish projecting.
“To pray, ‘God please take this,’ is an act of empowerment, not weakness…When I remember that God’s power is unlimited, I stop stressing about how limited mine is.” Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change
God Was With You Yesterday But He Is With You Now
God and miracles only happen now. The ego likes to keeps us in the past or future (otherwise known as anxiety) so we can’t enjoy our life now. Living in the past or future is painful because it leaves God out. The past is only connected to the future if we let it. When we let our thoughts and actions become based on yesterday’s circumstances we are giving up our right to change the circumstances. We are also leaving out what we have learned since then.
“Joy can be found only one place at one time: right here, right now. Regardless of where we’re going tomorrow, it’s important to bless where we are and enjoy the fruits of today.” Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change
When we blame others the ego can remind us of our guilt too and keep our self-hatred growing. When we forgive others and ourself and accept our healing and innocence from the Holy Spirit we will find peace. Trusting the Holy Spirit to heal and care for you and others will free you to be full of joy and maybe the person that hurt you too. Maybe it will change the dynamic of your relationship in a good way or maybe it will show you how your path has moved away from this person but you are still able to love as you walk away. Either way you have peace.
“It doesn’t matter what someone said when you were a child; you know now that you’re smart and attractive. It doesn’t matter what happened before; you can rise up now and start over. It doesn’t matter what they did to you; forgiveness has washed you clean.” Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change
To be a miracle worker we must:
- see forgiveness as our function
- give up all our invented personal goals
- avoid self-initiated plans
- know if you are afraid, you are trusting in your strength and not God’s
“It’s time to see miracles in our own lives, to be resurrected from the littleness of our former selves. Through God, these things are impossible. These miracles are available, and they are necessary now.” Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change
There was so much to absorb from reading The Gift of Change. Believe it or not, these are not all my notes. I learned so much from both A Return to Love and The Gift of Change and many were reminders of many other times I have gone through tremendous growth. These reminders were a gift and made it easy to embrace the messages. It made it easy for me to reaffirm that I want to unlearn my fears and relearn to love and be open to love and forgiveness even when it would be natural for me to close myself off because I feel hurt or scared. I imagine the process of change will require some practice but I am thankful that I am never alone on this path because my Creator is with me always.
Be blessed.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 8, 2022 | About Summer, Opinions, Queer Community
You know when there are times when you say something in passing that leaves others thinking something you didn’t mean, but maybe there is a grain of truth in it too? That happened to me last week. But I would like to take a moment and clarify that I don’t hate Pride Month.
It was just a week ago and my sister, Jamie, sent me a message: Happy Pride Month!
I promptly responded with: Yes. We will be inundated for the month of June. Ugh!
I didn’t mean to be rude or dismissive but it just seems like Pride Months of the past have been times where flamboyant queer people flash their feathers with great gusto and conservative Christians get offended and everything is suddenly about equality and I feel a bit bombarded. But in my every day life I am happily married to my beautiful wife and we live our lives and in our reality being queer is just something we don’t worry about because we are 46 and 57-years-old and it hurts to get out of bed in the morning, its hard to remember if eating the entire egg is healthy or not and I am very glad Xavier woke Karen up because she forgot to plug her iPhone in and her alarm didn’t go off.
But you know what I have noticed that I love? I don’t feel bombarded this year because certain media outlets have gotten better at including trans people and same sex couples in commercials and TV shows (yes it could be better but I am not ungrateful) and people are safer to be proud more naturally and so Pride is what is should be, an every day thing.
Now don’t get me wrong. I know that in certain parts of The United State where queer folks have it much harder than they do in other parts of The US. I also know that in Longview, Washington gay men have it harder than queer women and no one knows what to do with trans folks here. I know this. I am sorry. I also know that ignorance and prejudice live everywhere and I regret that too but we are growing and I want to take a moment and praise Jesus that humans are hating each other a little bit less and loving each other a little bit better every day, regardless of what the media wants to force feed us. By the way…the answer to all these situations is to treat every one with respect regardless of how they dress or who they love…
Hype comes in all colors and so I know a little bit about drama and trauma, those terrible rhyming words. As a white, disabled, fat, poor, mentally ill woman from a dysfunctional family I know about prejudice and privilege. But you know what? Walking behind people you learn that other people get it too. I have a friend that was more poor than me and more terribly abused than me growing up, and walking behind her has broken my heart at times. Until she became healed through prayer and therapy, people saw that on her and it seems like she drew abuse out of them. Walking behind my wife blows my mind. I am invisible when we walk up to another black person unless they read that we are married and then I am as black as they are…but when we were first married, we were at a park in Kirkland and the looks she got from a man, wow! He was not enjoying sharing air with my obviously mixed wife and he was Asian. I really don’t understand that, but Karen says that is normal. So it never shocked me when I got the evil eye from the old white guy when I was holding my wife’s hand under the table at a restaurant. Hate comes in all forms and I never asked him what he hated about me. I am not going to worry about it either. I forgave him.
When I growing up I don’t remember a lot of talk about queer folks but I do know that when I looked it up in the bible by myself, I understood it was an abomination. This was hard because I was having feelings about a lady that worked a diner I went to a lot. I didn’t understand those feelings and she enjoyed setting me up to see her with another woman, so I am pretty sure, she felt what I was feeling and wanted to make me uncomfortable so it was really easy for me to shut that part of myself off.
I had always found both sexes attractive so I thought I just saw beauty in all people. My nana had taught me to not waste my affections on people I wouldn’t marry and my pastor had taught me that if a person wasn’t my spouse, they were someone else’s and I should wait for marriage so all these things helped me justify why I didn’t think about people the way my friends did. They were horn-balls! Now I know that I am demi-sexual and so it is normal that I would not be sexually attracted to someone unless I was intimately connected with them emotionally…which explained the very short list…which my wife is very happy about. I am too.
I wish I had waited for marriage. Not for religious reasons but for emotional ones. It is just deeper and safer and better with someone you know wants to be there every day for the rest of your life. Maybe that isn’t important to some people, but it is to me.
I was married for 1 year before I came to terms with the fact that I was queer. I remember telling people that I didn’t feel gay. I just married my best friend. One year in and I had a good cry and talk with God and the main message I got when I asked Him if I should divorce my wife was, “No!” When I asked Him for scripture to back Him up and He said: Galatians 3:28
“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”
I said some stupid things that first year. Things I wish I hadn’t said because now I understand I was ignorant and maybe even hurtful to people that hadn’t come out yet. But I have forgiven myself and if I get the chance to step back those statements, I will because I understand now, that I was scared and ignorant. The men in the bible were doing abominable things. They were raping and murdering people out of hatred and control. They were not in loving relationships or even consensual ones. That was the abomination.
Abusing people is never ok. NEVER OK. This is what we should hate. Not a month where we celebrate people that want to be accepted and seen.
I learned a new word today: Heterosexism. It is similar in power to Homophobia but I think it is bigger. The word Heterosexism first showed up in writings by Craig Rodwell, a gay rights activist, in 1971. Heterosexism is a belief that female-male sexuality and relationships are the only norm and that makes them superior. This attitude extends beyond the bedroom, but also in the workplace, medical facilities and every part of society. No wonder people are so offended by Love Makes a Family by Sophie Beer.
But back to Homophobia, this term was coined by a straight psychologist, named George Weinberg, in late 1960’s. He was probably self-diagnosing himself, because this term describes someone who is afraid to be in the vicinity of someone who is queer, their culture and behaviors.
I am glad that my fear is going away regarding people. You know who scares me now? Not LBGTQIA+ people. Closed-minded people. People that think it is ok to hurt people for any reason at all. I have met some of their victims and it makes me want to more than pray, but that is what God said to do and I know He listens to my prayers.
If you are hurting and need support for issues related to coming out, relationships, bullying, self-harm and more contact LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564
As for me, I am enjoying a quiet Pride Month but I am also enjoying posts from friends that are going all out. I am happy for them. However you are celebrating, I hope you enjoy yourself and know that I know you are valuable and beautiful and loved. Happy Pride!
~
Read More at:
- Definitions: Homophobia, Heterosexism, and Sexual Prejudice by Gregory M. Herek, PhD
- Heterosexism from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia by multiple authors
- Living With Social Anxiety Disorder as an LGBTQ+ Person By Arlin Cuncic, Medically reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS and Fact checked by Karen Cilli for VeryWell Mind on October 3, 2021
- What is Homophobia? By Arlin Cuncic and Medically reviewed by Aron Janssen, MD for VeryWell Mind on February 8, 2022
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 5, 2022 | Opinions, Prayers
I was shocked to find myself very upset about the end of the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard trial, which I didn’t watch. I am so glad it is over. I avoided it to the best of my ability. I thought it was about money but apparently Amber really did abuse Johnny and that is why he won. When I looked at him I saw a big man that was not able to avoid the abuse or leave before it escalated out of control, consuming him. Yet even while I thought that, I knew that I could easily relate to Amber because I know about being human.
I didn’t watch the Depp/Heard trail because I try to limit negative media for my mental health needs. I took one look at them and I saw drama and trauma and knew their dance would bring nothing positive to my existence. Just because drama and trauma rhyme doesn’t mean they are good together. Besides, I don’t really follow them, I don’t jump watch their movies, and they aren’t part of my life so it was easy to just move on. But as I learn more and more that we are connected, I realize that it might be normal that I would be affected by their pain.
I still don’t know this ex-couple. I will probably google them to make sure I spell Amber’s name correctly but we are all human and being human we are all connected and all capable of fear and love. When I saw trauma on them, it is because I have experienced enough to know that Johnny is not fully innocent and both he and his ex-wife could probably benefit from some form of treatment, at least some great therapy sessions. I think everyone should go to therapy, so don’t think I am picking on them, personally.
I did hear Johnny say that she was very possessive about taking his boots off. It seems weird but I understand this. There are things that I enjoy doing for Karen that are helpful to her, that only I do because she is my wife. There are things that, if I am not medicated and going to therapy to stay balanced that I might become unbalanced about and a bit obsessive about in a way that my responses may not feel so loving.
When I am following my wellness plan, I might still have moments where I am feeling a bit unbalanced. I can remind myself that Karen is perfectly capable and able to care for herself, if I missed my opportunity to care for her and I don’t have a right to feel anger or jealousy towards her self-care. I can tell myself to find something constructive to do until my negative feelings pass. I can do this because my medications slow me down enough to help me make better choices. You see because I have worked hard to be well, and continue to work hard, and am committed to always work hard, I have a peaceful life but if I just made a few different choices, my life could be a mess.
This is the truth. We are all human and we are all just a number of choices away from being like Amber or someone that might even be seen as worse. Why am I telling you this? Because alongside my mental illness, my gift of empathy is a hard one to carry sometimes but I have had to learn to know what to do with it or it will take me out, but it is also a beautiful and wonderful gift. I feel things deeply. I feel my feelings and I feel the feelings around me. This is a gift because I know how to pray. I sometimes know what to say to help someone feel better. I sometimes know to say nothing but just let them know I see them. People feel so alone sometimes.
I implore you to not judge so harshly. Every person who hurts someone, has been hurt. That is how they learned to hurt people. They have trauma that they haven’t dealt with. Maybe you have trauma you haven’t dealt with. Maybe that is the reason that you think you have the right to judge because you haven’t cut someone’s finger off or bit someone, but I tell you one thing…just a few different choices and you could be. Because that is what being human is.
God didn’t make us to carry around out hurts. He didn’t make us to capture all our fears and let our ego get so big that all we can hear is fear. He sent His son to take our sins and open a dialogue between us so that we would feel safe to hand Him our hurts, when we were ready, so we could accept healing and restoration. He gave us therapists, teachers, friends and leaders to help us because He knows that is hard for some of us to trust someone we can’t see. He is here. He is always here, waiting to lighten our load when we ask Him to help us forgive the people who hurt us and ourselves and restore us to the perfect creation He made us to be. He knows it is a process because we have collected a lot of hurts but He is always good and always patient.
I could spend time hashing out what the Johnny and Amber trial means to men and women and abuse victims but in reality someone else will do that. My agenda is about love and forgiveness. What I really want is to tell men, women and non-binary people, children and anyone with a pulse that while it is not ok to be abused and you should never allow someone to abuse you, you should never hold onto that abuse either. Forgive your abuser. Forgive yourself. Make room for healing and light in your life. Let God show you that you were made for love and not fear.
You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. Song of Solomon 4:7 NIV
Note: Image found on funhandprintartblog.com.
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | May 25, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Education, Opinions
I bought A Return to Love back when Marianne Williamson was running for president in 2020 but I didn’t get around to reading it until now. I actually think I wasn’t ready to read it until this time in my life and I am really glad I was able to absorb it in this time where I am better able, and trying to forgive more, putting effort into unlearning fear, and learning to love better. I really enjoyed this book and I highly recommend it to a mature reader and a mature Christian or person who is comfortable in their beliefs.
The book I have is actually two books in one: A Return to Love and The Gift of Change, both by Marianne Williamson. There was so much to absorb in A Return to Love that I chose to do two different book reviews. I haven’t read the second book yet but I will do a separate book review for The Gift of Change when I have completed reading that book.
Marianne begins A Return to Love by explaining that she was raised in a Jewish home and has studied many religions. She also set aside her beliefs for some time and now is a Christian. Although her writing leaves room for any higher power, she refers openly to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit as her belief system and some people might be offended by this.
“The spiritual journey is the relinquishment — or unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts. Love is the essential existential fact. It is our ultimate reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
Commonly throughout the book Marianne writes that people undervalue what we know to be true in our hearts and overvalue the things our physical senses can see. We do this because love is hard to see because love is an energy that is experienced through kindness, giving, mercy, compassion, peace, joy, acceptance, non-judgement, joining and intimacy. Fear is the opposite of love and gives a false testimony to the meaningless of love. Fear looks like anger, abuse, disease, pain, greed, addiction, selfishness, obsession, corruption, violence and war. Love is threatening to our ego because it is simple.
Concepts Discussed in this Book:
- Love is the only reality.
- Fear is the opposite of love.
- Fear is an alternative reality.…no wonder we all feel crazy…
- Forgiveness transforms fear to love.
- Ego wants to judge.
- Holy Spirit wants to accept people as they are and provides room for compassion.
“The places in our personality where we tend to deviate from love are not our faults, but our wounds.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
“Forgiveness is the choice to see people as they are now. When we are angry at people, we are angry because of something they said or did before this moment. But what people said or did is not who they are. Relationships are reborn as we let go of the perceptions of our brother’s pasts. ‘By bringing the past into the present, we create a future just like the past.’ By letting the past go, we make room for miracles.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
All negativity comes from fear. Anger, rudeness, manipulation, cruelty all comes from fear. Forgiveness transforms them all. Pain doesn’t come from the love we don’t give others but from the love we choose not to give. So the answer is to ask the Holy Spirit to change our perspective and help us forgive. When we close our heart in response to other people’s choices we hurt ourself but when we remain able to give love we see a miracle.
According to A Return to Love and my personal experience, the world has taught us to fear. This is unnatural to humans because we were created in God’s image and love is the only real emotion. This is what we have to return to — to live in love and let go of fear. When we are feeling angry or annoyed with people we can confess this to the Holy Spirit, who wants to help us, and we will see the help we need, whether it is more compassion or forgiveness, or whatever is needed in the moment.
Steps to Process Change:
- See my dysfunctional patterns
- Confess and ask God to take them
- Commit to change
“Personal growth can be painful because it can make us feel ashamed and humiliated to face our own darkness. But the goal of personal growth is the journey from dark emotional patterns that cause us pain to those that create peace.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
When someone hurts use we can blow up at them or we can forgive them. Here is a helpful prayer to repeat until you are not longer angry:
“I forgive you _________________, and I release you to the Holy Spirit.”
This is a simple and very powerful prayer because it acknowledges that you know that God loves you and this person and wants the best for both of you. It also proclaims your trust in the Holy Spirit. I have tried this prayer out on many people and even with forgiving myself with some pretty powerful responses.
“…there is nothing we have been through or seen, or done, that cannot be used to make our lives more valuable now. We can grow from any experience, and we can transcend any experience. This kind of talk is blasphemy to the ego, which respects pain, glorifies pain, worships pain, and creates pain. Pain is its centerpiece. It sees forgiveness as its enemy.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
Our only real pleasure will come when we do what God created us to do. We must ask Him to help us be an instrument of His peace and use the abilities He gave us to spread love.
“…as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
Trusting God is like trusting gravity. 2 points to remember:
- God’s plan works
- Mine doesn’t
“It is our humility, our desire to be of service, that makes us stars. Not our arrogance.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
We can only receive God’s plan. If we add anything to it we take away the little that was asked of us. We are only to align ourself with God’s plan. He will make it happen. This is a very anti-world mindset. But it can be done.
“Dear God, I surrender this situation to you. May it be used for your purposes. I ask only that my heart be open to give love and to receive love. May all the results unfold according to Your will. Amen.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
Another important concept that is talked about in A Return to Love are that we are interrelated but we have forgotten that because our ego supports a mentality where instead of “we” we talk about “my career”, “my money” or “my life.” But we are not separate. This falsely created separateness leads us to mistake where we put our devotion — our stuff instead of our love, relationships and our higher power.
We hear people say to us to feel our feelings, which is important, but they are usually referring to fear, pain, shame, all the negative emotions, but we also need to feel all the positive ones too: love, satisfaction, joy… The ego does not like positive thoughts and works against them but our natural inheritance is to enjoy the good in our lives, especially if it is small. There is nothing wrong with being too happy.
Love is not just sentimental mush on a greeting card. It is a practiced discipline of defying our ego’s voice. It is relying on the Holy Spirit and focusing on the our capacity to love by training our minds to the habits of loving.
Today’s goal is peace. I should have that tattooed somewhere.
Buy your own copy of A Return to Love and The Gift of Change by Marianne Williamson on Amazon
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | May 10, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Education, Fuel Your Wellness, Wellness
Note: The article was originally by Summer D Clemenson and posted on WellnessWorksNW.com
I am always amazed to hear of a person that is ashamed of their illness, especially mental illness. The stigma of chronic illness is almost as debilitating as the actual illness, in my opinion, but it doesn’t have to be. I am often told that I am amazingly transparent and for some people that is scary as hell and for others, that is refreshing. I come from people that are super private about medical histories and this is not good. We should not be afraid to talk about these things. In fact I would like to encourage you to face the illness so you can enjoy the healing. (more…)
by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 23, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Life, Opinions, Wellness
Love Does is the name of the latest book I read by author, Bob Goff. “That’s one of the things about love. It doesn’t recognize boundaries and never obeys the rules we try to give it,” wrote Goff. All 224 pages of this bright blue book with colorful balloons that don the cover, I think to help us remember to allow some adventure into our every day lives, Bob tells story after story that are meant to remind us that Love Does.
“I think every day God sends us an invitation to live and sometimes we forget to show up or get head-faked into thinking we haven’t really been invited. But you see, we have been invited — every day, all over again.” Bob Goff
Bob is a Christian but he isn’t like a lot of the Christians I have met. He is very laid back. He is very relational. In fact that is his entire motivation, even referring to some of his experiences at bible studies as feeling more like stalking Jesus than getting to know Him. Bob wasn’t trying to put down people who study their bibles he just felt like there had to be more to his relationship than just memorizing words. He wanted to find out how to relate the words to how he lives his life.
“What if we were just to do awesome, incredible stuff together while we’re here on earth and the fact that only He knew would be enough? If we did that, we wouldn’t get confused about who was really making things happen.” Bob Goff
This book reads like a familiar old friend; sometimes it even feels like a safe hug. Bob Goff has not lost his child-likeness and it is refreshing. I can feel it in my heart that he loves freely, like my wife, Karen, so he must be a kindred spirit. It took me a week to read, only because I was too sick to hold the book up for 3 days. As I read this book it felt like parts of me were being dusted off.
Bob reminded me that the religious people don’t get to pick who goes to heaven, God does. It is my job just to love. I don’t have to worry about anything else. I worry a lot. I needed the reminder.
I think about experiences I have had a churches, even experiences I have had at my own hand in where I tried to “overcome satan” for lack of a better term. I always felt slimed later. It wasn’t for me. I am an encourager. I am not a fighter. I love that Bob refuses to capitalize the first letter of his name. We really do give that guy too much attention…I think I learned a lot about who I am in Bob’s few lines about his approach to this fallen angel, who isn’t sorry and never will be:
“When I think about satan, my thoughts go to how Jesus interacted with him in the desert. Jesus spoke with him in just a few seconds and then sent him away…” Bob Goff
Reading good books is a great part of wellness because it helps us see new ways to live. My therapist suggested this book to me over a year ago and I have had it for about that amount of time. I am so glad I took the time to buy it and read it. I needed to hear positive stories from a person that is easy to respect and like. I highly recommend this book to anyone, even if you are not a believer because the book isn’t really about Jesus, although it does talk about Him, it is about the adventures that Bob takes from his childhood through his adulthood and how those adventures and being open to some whimsy can lead to more adventures and places you never thought you would go. Even if that is just into relationships that are more fulfilling than sitting alone.
Buy your own copy of Love Does by Bob Goff on Amazon.com
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 14, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Life
I had my post-op appointment on Tuesday and it went well. My Oncologist said that the cancer is still there but that it is still stage 1, class 1, which means that it is not growing but it is not gone. Even though I am taking the highest dose of Megestrol and I have a Molina IUD, which has the highest level of hormones, 6 months is a short time to expect my body to eradicate the cancer in my body. Even though I believe in miracles, she and I agree that the cancer being gone that fast, would be a miracle.
For some reason the scale at my oncologist office will not work when I am on it. They have assured me it can manage my weight. I tell the nurses it is probably my magnetic personality. I see doctors frequently so they always ask me when I weighed last and I tell them. This time it was at my surgery, about 3 weeks ago. The nurse looked it up and I haven’t lost or gained anything. I am holding firm, despite not exercising and not really watching what I eat more than my normal restrictions, however I do drink a gallon of water or unsweetened herb tea almost every day. My doctor gave me the look when I told her that I haven’t been exercising. The answer that I had had severe cramping and bleeding until a few days ago was a good answer until a few days ago and I know it. She reminded me that if the drugs and IUD don’t work I will require a full hysterectomy and that is a dangerous surgery at my size. I know this and getting any weight off or at least being stronger would help me in many ways. I know this too.
Change can be a Miracle
As many of you know I have worked hard to be committed to my workouts. These surgeries every 3 months have thrown a wrench in my commitment. However that doesn’t mean that I can’t keep drinking 4 liters of water or unsweetened herb tea every day, which I do faithfully, only missing very rarely and eating well and balanced.
I started exercising Wednesday. This morning was painful but I feel better after my second day of working out and I know that I will continue to feel better as I get stronger, eliminate the extra water and waste in my body and build muscle. Losing weight would be nice but I have learned with this body to be happy with being strong. If I lose weight that is a bonus. Although I would like to be smaller for many reasons: I don’t fit in many chairs, traveling is hard and if I fall, my wife can’t lift me, even though she lifts weights and is stronger than many women, and I know she worries about that…If I need a hysterectomy it will be very dangerous at this size. I do know that, but I can’t worry about that. There is risk in everything and I have made many wellness changes in my life and have committed to continue to do so and that is all I can do.
Each day I have chosen to move my body on purpose has been a miracle because there was a time in my life that I did not do this. I am thankful that I have been able to commit to myself to be as well as I can be, in spite of chronic pain and illness. This is a miracle in my mind. I thank God for His help all the time. I remember when He has coached me and He still does. He knows me best.
Struggle can be a Miracle
I have been struggling with my Neurologist since I began seeing him on January 27, 2022. I thought I misread him, that maybe once I got to know him better that I would be able to work with him but his ego never got smaller. At our first visit he put my other doctors down and told me that doctors that aren’t helping should be fired. He had already decided my diagnosis before he saw me and began treating me for migraines immediately. I agree I have migraines but I went to him for the pain in my face that makes it hard to speak sometimes. This pain makes it hard to drink, eat, floss and brush my teeth, even washing my face can be painful and when it is really flared up, it can wake me up at night. He told me at my first appointment that all I had to do was email him when my face began acting up and he would prescribe what I needed but when I emailed him, he didn’t read my messages. All I got was apologies from his medical assistants. I left him with 3 prescriptions, 2 for every day and 1 for big migraines which I take, but when I have asked questions about these, I have got no response. I have called. Karen has called. No one calls back. So I finally decided I wanted a referral to another neurologist and sent an email asking for one. Still no response. Even when both I and Karen called.
Since I was in the building on Tuesday, I decided to stop by there. I felt so bad for the young lady at the reception area. She looked petrified when she realized who I was. I was not angry but I was direct when I told her my goal was to change my appointment on the 22nd to be with a different neurologist before I left there that day. She seemed tongue tied and went to verify information with someone. She thought I would need to ask my primary for another referral for a neurologist. I had the email penned before she came back but I deleted it when she let me know there was one neurologist that could take my case, if she chose. She would be in the office later. She pointed to her card, but I chose to not take it. I didn’t want to appear to eager. Instead I looked at her with honest eyes and said: I just have this pain in my face that he said he would help me with and he is ignoring me. I just need help. Her stress softened. I think she understood, I wasn’t trying to be a pain.
I am still waiting to hear from them. They do not communicate anything like my oncologist’s office.
Communication is really important to me; vital. I was ignored a lot in my life and I won’t be ignored anymore. Especially when it comes to doctors who I have hired to help me be healthy. The struggle I have had with this neurologist is also a miracle because it has forced me to stand up for myself and yet be fair and direct and not violent. To me this is a miracle. In the way I was raised the only way to be heard was to freak out but that is not healthy for me or for the people that are not hearing me. I have communicated my needs and expectations. I have heard their response. I know that if they don’t choose to serve me that I will be contacting my primary about a referral outside of Legacy next week and I am ok with that. In my mind that is a miracle.
Loving Relationships are a Miracle
Especially with gas prices where they are at, we wanted to make sure to stop by and hug Jamie Holloway before we left Vancouver. It was good to see her and deliver some treats I bought for Nicholas, her fur-baby. Even though she is only breathing with one lung and she started steroids that day, she looks pretty good and Yelena, her caregiver was there. She is a great lady. It was a nice visit.
I love when I get to see Jamie because I know I am with someone that gets me. We don’t even have to speak but our hearts do. Especially at this time, I know we hold each other up. She has encouraged and taught me how to fight for my wellness and I know I encourage her too. I have learned to ask more questions than to offer her advice. No one knows how to live in a chronic body better than a chronic person and what works for Jamie’s body doesn’t necessarily work for my body. She and I have been learning to live as well as possible in our chronic bodies for 8+ years each (she longer than me) we are not newbies. That doesn’t mean we can’t learn more but we do know more than a healthy person. Healthy people are blessed in a way they can’t imagine.
The healthy people around us, know something that healthy people that don’t take care of chronic people would never know. You have different conversations with each other. Karen and I talk about my death more. We talk about pain more. I may not know how to get rid of mine, but I know how to help her with hers. I know she worries about if she dies first a lot more than she tells me. That too is part of a loving relationship.
Tuesday was a great day. Wednesday was a quiet day. To be honest Mahjong was most of what I accomplished. I have slept late today and I know a nap is in the future as well but I am glad to have got my workout done. I have some cleaning that needs to be attended to as well.
I hope your day is blessed!
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 13, 2022 | Opinions
There are things about society that bewilder me. It seems people are so quick to have an opinion about others that they have never met and that seems odd to me. Take for instance the slap heard round the United States…starring Will Smith. I didn’t even watch the Oscars, not because I didn’t want to, I was doing something else and forgot about them but at some point, I kept hearing about something Mr. Smith did so I thought I would check it out.
My experience at the clip I saw of Chris Rock’s comment towards Jada Pinkett-Smith and Will Smith’s reaction left me dumbfounded.
About Mr. Smith…
I don’t know this man but I have followed him a bit because I think he is a great actor. I see he is trying to be a good man. He has great energy and he is trying to grow and be a positive force in the world. The fact that he has remained married so long as a Hollywood A-lister is admirable. Marriage is a special and complicated relationship at best, and Hollywood warps that experience to a place far beyond the norm…Then he walks up to Chris Rock, a comedian, known for his teasing style of comedy and slaps him for a comment that was not terrible…
I am still confused.
Enter everyone’s opinions. Some want him retired. Some sing his praises. Why do we think we get to judge people so much? Why does everyone think we all get a say?
If an actor is known for being violent on set and people don’t want to work with them, then they naturally will lose rolls. Personally I can’t consider that ending his career would be anyone’s right but his and the people who will or wont hire him. If a person has a bad moment at a public event and the committee that runs the event decides to restrict access or fine a person for behavior that is unbecoming, that is none of my business. I am sure the fact that Mr. Smith has been restricted from the Oscars for the next 10 years has made several people very happy; to me it is just a natural consequence.
Innocent people are losing their homes and lives in another part of the world. Children are going to bed hungry. People are living on the streets and every late night talk show host is talking about Will Smith…and I keep hearing how as a nation, we need to heal from this situation. The confusion keeps growing…
About Mr. Rock…
I am going to be honest here. I have rarely enjoyed Chris Rock. I don’t like how he picks at people but I understand that many people enjoy this style of comedy. However, as he has gotten older, I see he is softening. Honestly I thought his comment to Jada Pinkett-Smith about her short hair was not a put down. I think she is incredibly stunning with short hair. I did not know she had alopecia. Maybe he didn’t know either. And his reference to her starring in a GI Jane 2, could have been a compliment, in my opinion. GI Jane is a great movie.
I am incredibly astounded, still, by how he responded to Mr. Smith’s behavior. He took the slap and responded with grace; not only by keeping the show going but by not pressing charges and making the matter bigger. I must say I really respect Mr. Rock for his choices in this matter.
About Mrs. Pinkett-Smith
Why can’t I find what she thinks about all this? Hello? She is a strong woman. She doesn’t usually require saving. I don’t know her, but, like her husband, I have admired her work and the authenticity she tries to embody.
I really thought about this situation more than I wanted to. Days later, it occurred to me that I never prayed for them so I did and God whispered things to me that helped me have even more compassion for all of them. I am so thankful I am not part of the Hollywood Roster
In a Nut Shell…
One guy hit another guy for making a comment about his wife. The guy who got hit forgave the guy that hit him and the guy that hit him admitted he was wrong and asked to be forgiven. Yes, many people saw it, but really it was a personal issue that got aired in public because of a moment of bad judgment. Nobody else was hit. These things happen every day. The only difference is that we are talking about celebrities and not Steve and Mark, down the block. As a society, I maintain that putting people on platforms because they are talented enough to make a ton of money, dishonors the regular Joes and Janes in the world and my brain cannot see value in that. Will Smith is a valuable person but he is no more valuable than me and I don’t want to be judged by one bad moment.
All this judging of each other is a waste of time and this imaginary need to heal as a nation we put on ourselves only distracts us from real things we need to heal from. We definitely need to keep praying for ourselves and each other.
My one thought…the scene that would have been epic..
After Chris Rock made his comment about Jada Pinkett-Smith being in GI Jane 2
Pinkett-Smith: Borrowing Demi Moore’s line after a severe beating by the Master Chief, “Suck my dick!”
Will and anyone at the Oscars: acting as Moore’s fellow soldiers, “Hoorah!”
…now that would have been a great moment…
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 2, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Life
My surgery went well last week. I will see my oncologist on Tuesday and I believe I will hear good news at my post-op appointment. But during this time I have been suffering with a bad specialist of another kind. I have sent numerous messages and Karen has called many times. From the very first time I met him, I have felt confused and that confusion has become bigger and turned into all out feelings of neglect. To have such success on one side of my medical issues and such failure on another has left me exhausted to the extreme.
I sought out the help of a neurologist to help me with the pain in my head that was making self-care and speaking difficult. There are times, I can barely speak and drinking water or chewing, flossing or brushing my teeth excruciating. I was told by my doctor that if these symptoms were to return I would only have to email and he would fill the prescription I need to help me get back into remission but he did not follow through with his word, regardless of my many attempts, even telling him the name of the medication that was previously prescribed by the ER doctor who helped me. He does not respond. The only response I ever get back is an apologetic medical assistant.
He asked me to journal my pain and what I do, which I did. This makes me depressed. I don’t like to focus on the same thing all the time, that leads to the same thing, that is not helpful. This is the same reason my primary does not have me check my blood sugar, because it makes me stressed out and makes it worse, and when I don’t check my blood sugar, my sugars are better controlled and at almost pre-diabetic range. I journaled anyway. I shared with him the information that although I took the meds the way he told me to and I drank a gallon of fluid a day, the pain was getting worse and the Trigeminal Neuralgia pain was coming back…and he wished me well on my surgery and thanked me for the update.
Meanwhile my beloved, sister, Jamie is getting ready for another procedure to see how much damage has been done to her lungs and if it can be repaired and I feel so helpless. I am so thankful for her other friends that can help her. I am so thankful and even jealous of her amazing team of doctors that communicate so well for her good. I want that.<
I deserve that so I have decided to fire my neurologist before my next appointment. Even though I haven’t been told my results from the MRI on my brain. Any doctor can tell me about that. Jamie suggested that I see this doctor face to face and tell him he failed but I just can’t afford to pay to see him again. We are still working on paperwork for assistance and I feel like I am drowning in doctor bills and I won’t pay to see this man again, who cares so little for me and so much for his ego.
I sent the following message to him tonight:
Dr *****,
I have thought about it and I need to make a change in our relationship. On our first consult you put down all my other doctors. You also lied: you told me sinus headaches are not real, but you gave me a magazine about migraines that said they were a type of headache. You also told me if I had any Trigeminal Neuralgia symptoms to email you and you would prescribe the medication I need. That also did not happen. You don’t even read my messages, while my other doctors do. It costs me 5% of my monthly income to see you. I need a bigger return from you to allow you to remain such a large part of my budget. I understand you probably have many clients with similar issues, if you took even a moment to say, “this is to be expected,” or something to let me know that I am on the right track, it would have helped me so much but as it is, you don’t encourage or educate me.
My friend suggested that I face you and tell you that you had failed me but I have decided that I don’t need to pay to see you again. Please refer me to one of your colleagues. Thank you….
I am going to find the doctors that want to help me be better. I plan to call and cancel my appointment on the 22nd on Monday and see about getting connected with another neurologist.
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 22, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Life
My surgery is tomorrow. I have spent today doing laundry, drinking water, updating my blog with posts I wrote in October but didn’t post and trying not to think about my surgery tomorrow. The last time I went through this I didn’t know what to expect and it was kind of nice to just go with the flow. One good thing is that they are allowing Karen to wait with me in the prep area and she will be in the room directly after I come out of recovery. That will be nice. I am not a person who naps or relaxes so it will be nice to have her there to visit with me and make me laugh. They will probably appreciate me not trying to run away too…
But I am scared. Not just from the pain and bleeding following the surgery but the unrelated but even more painful nerve issues that arose in my face following surgery that seem to be arising before surgery now. One good thing, this time I have a neurologist and I have already contacted him via email and his assistant assured me that she has sent my message and details to him for evaluation. I don’t see him until the end of April but I am already seeing some scary changes since the 13th of March. I know that stress can make migraines worse and that is probably what this is, except for the Trigeminal Neuralgia pain that is making it hard to chew or floss my teeth.
When I was single I said I would never treat cancer. I would just let it take me. I had no reason to fight it. But now that I know what a healthy love is, that makes me want to be better not just for me but for Karen and our future and the children we are building our future for, I have to fight this. So as scared as I am. I am choosing to be brave and you know what? I know I am not here by myself. I feel a light holding me. The same one that has taught me, and saved me and protected me when there was no one there who could.
I have had Jeremiah 29:11 on my wall for weeks. It fell off a few days ago and I can’t find it but I have memorized the main idea of it? God said: I know the thoughts I think about you. They are of peace, not of evil. I want to give you a future and a hope.
If God wants to give me hope, He probably wants me to seek hope. I went deeper with my therapist yesterday about some family members who will never be satisfied with what they have. It makes me sad. All I ever wanted was time and relationship. I see money and things as tools to take care of people. I am glad they are comfortable and I pray they are satisfied someday. Hope is what I hope they find.
The world doesn’t offer much hope. We turn on the TV and there is violence, sex, drugs, anger. We are so desensitized to it, we don’t even realize we are drawn to it, even in all our good intentions. Our bodies and minds are frail and it is easy to become sick there too. Hope is the key. Hope is where we find abundance and joy, kindness, goodness and the very Spirit of God.
I hope the next time you think about watching a reality show that you think about how much production goes into that “Reality Show” so it will be compelling enough for you to want to watch it because trauma sells…and maybe choose hope. Find a show that teaches you something…or turn the boob tube off all together and read a book or play a game. Until we stop choosing trauma, we can’t know peace.
Be well.
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 18, 2022 | Life
More nightmares last night. I can’t get away from my abusers no matter what I do. But I am not without empathy towards them and maybe that is part of it. I see that they are worthy of love.
Trauma is passed down from generation to generation and hopefully each generation heals a little bit or a lot and breaks those curses or gets help with mental health issues. I have to get better. I could just close my eyes and keep going but I chose to look at mine because I want to be a foster parent and even though I may not be able to empathize with every type of abuse, I want to be able to promise that the children I am entrusted with have a foster mom that is as strong and healed as she can be at the moment and I know how to stand with them or cry with them or just sit and hold their hand while they process their pain because I have done it.
I wish I knew how to let go of the pain. It keeps coming back. My abusers are not bad people they have been hurt, some have mental health issues and chronic illness which makes their life harder. I am not without empathy but I cannot be the scapegoat anymore. I refuse to be judged, rejected and unknown by people that are supposed to know me best.
Here is a truth that young people might be able to grasp. I don’t follow a lot of pop culture but I have heard bits and pieces about Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s divorce to know that his mental health issues have kept her diligent, even after their divorce was finalized. This man abuses her even beyond their marriage yet he has also donated money to feed people he has never met. This shows me the he too, is not without merit, and this is probably the part of him that Kim fell in love with…
I wish I knew how to just set the pain down. I sometimes wish I could just pick up the phone and call some of them but that doesn’t work out for me…ever. The love I have is real but I guess I will just have to keep praying for them and hopefully I will finally be ready for the realization of healing God has already given me.
Be blessed.
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 14, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life
I hear a child having a meltdown in the hallway and I want to cry with her. Children should never have to live in a hotel. It is not fun living in a hotel. At all… As thankful as I am that we have survived here over 2 years, spending every penny we have to get by, and try to establish credit, and fix our credit, and wait on programs that promised to help us, and did but had barriers that stopped us from our goal of normalcy, of freedom, of doing more than surviving, but having space to move and create, and be able to invite people over…I guess that was the upside of this pandemic. We weren’t supposed to do invite people over so we learned how to Zoom…
I look forward to playing a board game with someone. Karen doesn’t have the attention span for that…I look forward to having a kitchen that isn’t also my desk or the bathroom counter. I look forward to having my yarn at my fingertips to make whatever… I want a patio or yard to grow tomatoes for Karen and strawberries for me. I would love a workspace that doubled as a guest room but I could work at a dining room table…I miss having a table! I miss my balance ball!!! I miss a couch to cuddle with My Love while we watch movies and eat popcorn I made not in the microwave….
I have an amazing blessed life. There are people that have so much less than I do and even people with so much more who are miserable. I know God has carried us and taught us much during our almost 8 years of marriage. I know we are getting closer. Today we got a number we have been waiting a few years for…this number should be a huge blessing and this time we are ready for it. We have grown so much that this time we know we won’t blow it. We have blown it a few times before. Bad habits and bad mental health can really take you bad places but we are prepared and have an action plan.
The big picture seems like it is coming into focus and for that I am thankful. You can’t even imagine!!!!!
I posted about flashbacks last week. Flashbacks aren’t just thoughts, they are all the feelings too. It’s almost like you are there again. On top of that, I had no time to deal with myself because I had to be in Vancouver for an MRI. We did stop at Jamie’s to give her her birthday present early which did help me feel more grounded.
The MRI was supposed to be an open one because I am claustrophobic but when I got there, I found we had missed their calls to reschedule so they squeezed me into a regular MRI, literally. It was terrifying.
They handed me a ball I could squeeze if I needed them to stop but the mindful part of me knew that would only mean they would have to start over so I focused as much as I could on my breathing in order to not hyperventilate. As I got better I was able to practice pursed lip breathing which is very helpful. I had my eyes closed because when I opened them my heart would race because I felt like I was in a coffin. After awhile I started seeing flower shapes. It may have been my imagination but maybe it was God helping me. They keep the room freezing, it is supposed to be helpful but when you have arthritis it is just painful. Halfway through, I hurt from head to toe.
When it was over I was so ready to leave! Karen brought me home and I went to bed. We agreed I had not advocated very well for myself in scheduling a mammogram for the next day so Karen called that morning and rescheduled for a few weeks after my next surgery…which is coming up soon.
I shared my flashbacks with my therapist. She agreed that we should talk in more detail about this family member and their actions and what I want to do with these memories. I talk with her again in a week and a half. I don’t have this family member in my life anymore. I know they have their own trauma experiences and issues. I am not angry anymore but I don’t trust them and I don’t feel safe around them, emotionally, so relationship is not an option, even though they have made it clear they don’t want a relationship. I need the memories to not have power anymore.
These memories are potentially fatal if I had not got away. I visualized that I had been brave enough to face them and realized 1 of 2 things would have happened: 1) they would have potentially killed me or 2) they would have broken. I didn’t let them catch me any of the times they threatened me and they calmed down and we went on with life. Our parents did not have the tools to change the situation. Because they didn’t catch me we don’t know what would’ve happened. If they would have been broken their behavior may have become worse in other ways; because they cannot kill me now the only part of me that can die is the part of me that is scared of them and I might as well work on a few other people I am scared of that I don’t have relationship with anymore, at this time, as well.
I have had a lot of fear in my life. I think I am ready to let some of it go because I am also very brave, in spite of my fears.
Like this surgery coming up… I didn’t know what to expect before. Ignorance was bliss. But I am no longer ignorant. I am a little scared. I don’t like pain. This winter has been hard and emotionally I feel raw and unprepared for much of anything.
I am being really honest here but I also know that my wife really loves me in a way that makes me feel heard and respected and there are people that pray for me that I don’t even know and God is good always and He has given me dreams to strive for and I will keep trying.
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 8, 2022 | Life
Karen came in all hot today because Russell Wilson got traded to the Broncos. I do have some empathy for her but I know Russell and his wife are believers and good business people and they will probably come out even better because of this change…
My heart is heavy for Ukrainians. So I said, “It could be worse. We could be in Ukraine.” Bless her, she tried to follow. She didn’t want to go to such a deep topic. She fell asleep last night during Colbert…
Anderson Cooper was over there sharing stories he has heard and experienced and I have been praying ever since. Every day the men take their women and children and put them on trains to get them out of the war. This division of families tears at my heart, yet it warms it too because this sacrifice is love too. Women carry their sick children on trains because hospitals have run out of life-saving medicine. In Russia you will go to jail if you say there is a war going on…in fact it took two goons to carry away an 80 year old woman carrying a sign.
No, I am not worried about Russell Wilson. He knows and shares love freely. I am concerned about people who need love, now, more than ever. Not just people in war zones, but people that feel they have to let guns do the talking, people who think they are more important than anyone else…people who lie and hurt others because they have been lied to and hurt. If you are one of these people, you are important. There is healing available through therapy and, if you believe, a relationship with God…you don’t have to keep hurting yourself and others.
You are not alone. I will pray for you too, if you want…just send me a private message. God bless you.
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 7, 2022 | Life
Today is Karen’s birthday! She is 57 years old and even though that is just a number I am so thankful for that number. Her life means so much to me because she is a light and joy in mine. Happy birthday My Love.
I often think about how important life is and unimportant we treat it sometimes. We drive too fast and recklessly, to what end? To save a few seconds on our way and stress other drivers and pedestrians out and possibly hurt children, pets, elderly and disabled people who cannot or don’t know to watch out… Some of us abuse the emergency room instead of getting a primary doctor to help us with our medical issues before they require a hospital visit. Some of resort to violence when understanding and good communication could take us much farther. Many of us find more value in money and things than actual people. This makes my heart feel so heavy.
Life is so important. People are so important. You are vital to someone’s existence, even if they forgot to tell you. I encourage you to put as much love in your tasks as you can. Love the people around you. Talk to them. If you are too angry, take a walk or a nap and try again. Words are nothing without actions. Love is a verb. If we stop choosing anger and start choosing growth, honesty, communication and love we will be so much happier.
I love you Karen! You have shown me things I have been trying to learn all my life. I love sharing life with you!
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Please wait...
