I Have Lost My Taste For Slapstick

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 14, 2022 | About Summer, Life, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

When I was growing up slapstick comedy was really popular and my mom really loved it. John Candy and Chevy Chase were two of her favorite actors. I have to admit they had great timing. But as I have gotten older and really got to know myself I have lost my taste for slapstick because someone always has to get hurt for someone else to get a laugh. I don’t think it is funny when people get hurt, especially as someone who has been hurt a lot.

We still see a hunger for slapstick in smaller forms today. We call them memes. But I don’t think all memes are funny either. Today I saw one with Ivanka Trump wearing a dress that was similar to one that Grace Kelly wore in a movie with a name that made it easy to tease Ivanka. You know what? It made me sad. Ivanka looked beautiful. According to the meme she was at her sister’s wedding and we should have been happy for them. I don’t want to befriend the Trump family and I certainly don’t want them to continue in politics but why shouldn’t I want them to celebrate a happy moment in their family?

The reasons I don’t want to have them on the news, in my living room, or in positions to make decisions that affect my life are because of the chaos they brought the last time they were in that position. Donald Trump invites negativity because that is what he knows. But if I take a moment in their lives that should be joyful and twist it in the manner that I have seen them do, I am no better than they are and I want to be a person that invites peace and forgiveness in my midst.

I do admit that I was not as emotionally healthy when Trump won his election as I am now. I was unable to say President Trump for the first 2 years of his term and I was hateful and spiteful, at every chance I had to speak or think of him. But somewhere in there I had to find a way to forgive and have peace, for my sake. I needed to stop having an anxiety attack every time I heard his name or heard his voice. It was hard. Sometimes it still is. But as I read Running on Empty and began thinking about how we didn’t even know about fostering emotionally healthy children until now and I was able to see how this would cause me to be an emotional neglect survivor, but this would also make most people an emotional neglect survivor and I began seeing how I needed to forgive a lot of people, even Donald Trump.

This does not change my political views but this reminds me to not let my political views change who I am every day.

Jesus took a few minutes to share a parable when He was with us, I am sure a few of you have heard before: The Sower and the Seed:

Jesus is the Sower and the Seed is the Word of God and the garden is our hearts. Not all of our hearts are ready to accept the Word of the Lord, when we first hear it, or even ever, but when we are ready to choose Jesus, we can let the cares of the world get out of the way so that His teachings can become deep in us so that love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23) are easily found in us and become boiling out of us.

This is the beauty of the freedom of choice that God gives us. We don’t ever have to choose Him, but when we do, we find ourselves letting go of pain, judgement and anger more easily and picking up forgiveness. This doesn’t mean we don’t still need to create healthy boundaries in relationships for our mental, physical and spiritual health. We still need boundaries because we can’t make others make the same choices we have made or in the same time table as we have made them in.

My wife, Karen G Clemenson, and I were watching Christmas Vacation the other night and I was shocked at my mind’s response to the movie. I had put myself in the movie. Instead of enjoying a movie, I have watched hundreds of times, I was seeing myself as part of the family. I saw myself opening the front door as soon as the squirrel was seen in the tree, knowing the squirrel would prefer being outside. I never spoke. I saw myself moving from room to room making sure there was a path in every room so people could walk safely and then I saw myself coming back with a garbage bag to pick up what couldn’t be salvaged. After that I was just plan cleaning. I was just putting things back in their place because someone had to. I was not oblivious to the chaos but I was not part of it. I was not thanked, I was not spoken to. I was just there.

I am not saying I ever lived through a Christmas that was exactly like the one in this movie, but emotionally, I think we could top it, between all the households. I think this is why I don’t like slapstick. When you are invisible it is like being at the brunt of slapstick humor. If it is the day you are visible and you are the scapegoat, you definitely know some pain.

I have been reading a biography about Mr. Rogers and I am finding out that I have much in common with him. This shouldn’t surprise me. Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood was one of my favorite shows, even through high school. When he was a boy and people around him told him to not think too much about things that bothered him, he just couldn’t. He couldn’t stop caring. He cared too much. I appreciate this. I am a person that cares too much too, and I think about how children are affected by what the grown ups around them are doing. I love that I have this in common with Mr. Rogers. He also didn’t like slapstick…

Another thing I have in common with Mr. Rogers is my love for Jesus. I want to leave you with this scripture that is so powerful!

Be blessed!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.

If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Book Review: Koshersoul: The Faith and Food Journey of an African American Jew by Michael W. Twitty

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 9, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Food, Life, Opinions, Queer Community

…So I was digging through this bag of books my sister gave me and I found this book with colorful pictures and food on the cover and was excited to read it, thinking I would learn a lot about food but was surprised when I learned so much more. Koshersoul: The Faith and Food Journey of an African American Jew by Michael W. Twitty is a book about just that, a journey, but not just by Twitty, but the other people he has met along the way.

Being Jewish is not just a religion, it is a culture. It is a generally led through the mother so gender is important. Most people have been led to believe that Jews are white/caucasian or Middle Eastern but there are Jews all over the world and many are Black and they have been left out of the conversation much of the time. If you’re a Black Jew, as in most situations, you are a color before you are anything else, as dictated by society’s standard.

“Your place in the mishpocheh, the family, and how you navigate that place, not just with others but within yourself — that is the bootcamp of identity, especially intersectional identity, and it’s where you find your special truth that only you can bring to the table.” Chapter 3

Mishpocheh (mesh-poh-keh) is Yiddish for kinfolk or people that are from where you are from. Yiddish is a transition language between German and the Jewish person’s original language just as Ebonics wasn’t bad English, originally, but a transition between native tongues and English. Twitty doesn’t go into detail about Ebonics beyond this but the fact that people still use Ebonics, does cause my wife’s skin to crawl because it is reminder of being enslaved that should be let go while we celebrate liberation.

One reason I love to read is that it stretches my brain. I really look forward to reading some more about Jewish culture, and then re-reading this book. Twitty uses a lot of Jewish terms without explaining them and although I did find a glossary at the end of the book, and I did Google several terms while I was reading, I think I will better appreciate this book after reading some more on the culture. He did try to explain the words that make up the main tile for the book:

“Kosher” is a standard of ritual fitness according to Jewish dietary laws and sometimes to other parts of Jewish material culture and ritual observance because G-d says so and because it connects other Jews.

“Soul” has its own connotations of soul food, soul music, soul people, soul dancing. However, soul food, has come to mean both African American vernacular cuisine and the comfort food core traditions of other folk cuisines. Soul means a certain vibe and feeling, an earthiness and peace with yourself and your people. Soul food is based on the ingredients: corn, tomatoes, peppers, pineapples and peanuts which were ready available to enslaved people.

About the People

“Loving yourself means you remember you are betzelem Elokim — made in G-d’s image — as much as any other person. It means that G-d has love for you as an LGBTQ person and that your struggles and strengths matter to our Creator. In the LGBTQ community, we have conflicts between one another as men and women, cis and trans, white — identified and people of color, disabled and not, wealthy and financially challenged. Your duty is to apply the best of Jewish values — mainly a concern for the stranger and those in need, and the urge to support the oppressed — because we were all of those in the time of our enslavement and captivity, and we are duty bound to be compassionate and loving and empathetic. Be grateful and thankful for your difference in the world and for the opportunity to feel for others what you feel for others.” Chapter 11; Mayseh; The Letter I Always Wanted to Write

The relationship between people and food helps bring groups together which is why “Jewish” food is a vast word.

Jewish people have been judged and ridiculed everywhere they have been — it is sad to know why it is easy to see why they have failed to reach out to marginalized Black folks — Jews or otherwise. To reach out to Black people would bring them into the position of abuse. White Supremacy has brought division and fear here too.

“We are here to be family to one another, to exist for the sake of others, even as others exist for our sake.” Chapter 1

I have been interested in learning about Jewish culture for some time and I am thankful that I read this book. I believe it has reminded me to learn more about this culture. As a Jesus follower, I see it as learning another part of my Savior, but also I believe we are all connected and learning about other cultures helps me to see me in the world better. There are some wonderful recipes, interesting cultural references and great personal stories throughout this book which make it a fascinating read. I highly recommend it, although it can get a little dry here and there, it is easy to overlook.

I got this book from my sister, Jamie Holloway, you can get your copy of Koshersoul: The Faith and Food Journey of an African American Jew by Michael W. Twitty on Amazon.com.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

Koshersoul: The Faith and Food Journey of an African American Jew by Michael W. Twitty
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I was not expecting what I got when I picked up this book but I enjoyed what I got. Twitty is a well-read person with lots of words and I did have to look several up, which I kind of enjoyed. I plan to read this book again, after I have read a few more books on Jewish culture, and have a better understanding of some of the basics. I enjoyed the many contributors and viewpoints Twitty shared and his personal point of view, it really helped me see outside of myself. I also look forward to exploring some of the recipes.

View all my reviews

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: Yoga Pant Nation by Laurie Gelman

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 7, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Life, Opinions

I had been reading some really heavy books before I picked up Yoga Pant Nation by Laurie Gelman, so I was looking forward to something light and hopefully funny when I chose this one out of the bag of books I had got from my sister. At first I was little let down by the commonality of the home life of Jennifer Dixon, the main character, who spends a lot of her time raising her 5th grade son, Max and watching her 2-year-old granddaughter, Maude a few days a week.

As a lot of busy moms do, she lives in her yoga pants; even I as I write this, I am wearing yoga pants and my baby has four legs and says meow. In her defense, Jen and her husband, Ron, actually own a string of yoga studios but even he, would like to see Jen try harder than her “dressy” yoga pants every once and a while.

Throughout the book, Jennifer takes on leading a spin class, helps her aging parents through some growing pains, leads the grade school’s fundraising group through the most successful year ever and supports one daughter through a career change and another through a custody battle where every ends up with a smile on their face, especially granddaughter, Maude.

I almost put this book down. It was so common, but Gelman did a great job developing the characters and making them real to me. I had to find out how everything turned out. In the end, it was a pleasure to read.

I would like to thank my sister, Jamie Holloway for loaning this book to me. You check this book out at the Longview Public Library or you can buy your own copy of Yoga Pant Nation by Laurie Gelman on Amazon.

Read my Review on GoodReads:

Yoga Pant Nation by Laurie Gelman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Easy read. Kind of boring but a nice change from the books I had read previously, however toward the end the family had pulled me in and I was cheering them on.

View all my reviews

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Wellness Hurts Sometimes

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 4, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

I have come to believe, from my own experience, and not from any research, that there are many ways to harmony and balance and wellness hurts sometimes. There are more than one type of wellness and these include: physical, mental, and spiritual wellness and all require a certain amount of boundaries, affirmations and expectations of ourselves to protect the one thing we can control; ourself. If we don’t care for ourself then how will we care for others. Jesus told us to give out of abundance not out of want; He told us to rest and find joy in His peace. Those sound like the recipe for boundaries to me…

This week has been hard. Actually it started last week with PTSD flash backs. I didn’t even want to write because I was afraid of what would come out of me. I don’t like to relive things and I don’t like to feed the negativity either. Some of my stories might be told someday but they should be told by a Summer that is in control of herself and not by a Summer that is in torment. I was thankful when I finally had a funny memory, a few days ago about one of my abusers; I knew I was coming out of it. Not all of my life was stressful and terrible. There were good days too.

When one of my siblings was born there was a commercial for Budweiser Beer that had a frog that said,” Bud bud, bud, bud bud, bud, bud bud, Budweiser!” As the older sibling, I noticed that they enjoyed this sound and I often would say the bud part without Budweiser to them to make them laugh. No matter how old they were, or usually what mood they were in, I could get them to laugh if I did this. Even as an adult. When they became a parent, I tried it on their child. I don’t remember if their child cared…although their cousins love it! But I do remember my sibling sitting behind them with a smile on their face, trying not to laugh.

It made me laugh to think about it. I was glad to have that memory after a week of terrible memories that felt brand new. No matter how often I would try to remind myself that I was here now. I was 46 years old and not 9 or 12 or 16 years old. I would pet Xavier who wasn’t born yet and think about that fact. I would remind myself that those people are not in my life anymore because I chose to stay away from them. I would remind myself that I had Karen and she loved me like I always wanted to be loved. It is such a struggle when it feels brand new, but you know it isn’t.

I have a friend that has been going through this too. I was trying to comfort them on Facebook and in their angst they thought I was criticizing them. I had to remind them that I was trying to be supportive. They don’t have a Karen. Part of my strength is that I have a partner that can remind me that I am here now and not there anymore. The hardest part is when she is at work. My friend doesn’t have a partner.

I did contact my therapist last week. She was glad to set up 2 appointments a month for me. She knows between October to February are my hard times. We couldn’t do a second session in October but I have two appointments set up for November. I had hoped I was far enough along in my healing that I could stay at one session a month but real strength is knowing that I need help and asking for it.

This week is a Fibromyalgia flare from hell. I am not surprised. Fibro is connected to trauma and emotions. Fibro is caused by an prolonged psychological stress and genetics, I have both of these factors. After a week of being stressed to the max, I am not surprised that my normal dull roar is now an screaming banshee at times and walking or lifting my arms above my head is an exercise in emotional strength and a shower is a time to cry and pray and when it is over a time to cry and praise God that I made it through. Sleeping is torn between hot flashes, nightmares or stressful dreams where I am in terrible pain and waking in terrible pain. But I will gladly take this over PTSD flashbacks…

I told this to my friend when I was checking in with them on Messenger. I am glad they were ok when I reached out to them.

We all have our triggers. Campaign season is hard on my friend, understandably…Mine are the holidays. I am wondering if I should put a disclaimer out there that I have a weird sense of humor about holidays because until the last few years, I had never had a holiday without fighting involved. I hate fighting.

Karen and I were watching a rerun of Reba, last night and they were fighting over who’s house they would have Thanksgiving at and who would cook. As a child of divorced parents, I thought the answer was easy…have two Thanksgivings. I tell you what, if you are invited to a Thanksgiving at my house and a fight breaks out, I will pack up dinner quicker than a fork can hit the floor and we will reschedule for another day. Holidays are supposed to be peaceful and they don’t have to have anything to do with a day on a calendar, in my mind.

I have been thinking about making a sign to hang near the door that says: If you can’t keep the peace in this home, take a walk, take a nap or take a hike…and I totally mean it.

I have learned that wellness hurts sometimes. There are side effects from important medications and even from a stay in the hospital. My dear sister, Jamie Holloway, is suffering with some terrible wounds caused by water retention she had from her last stay in the hospital. She is exhausted and begging for a break. I wish I could do more than pray and congratulate her for being diligent in advocating for herself. Sometimes healthy boundaries for one person, hurts another person but must stay, for the first person’s mental health. There are times you might have to lose out on a promotion at work because you need to say no to the early morning meetings, so you can have some needed quiet time so you are balanced.

I encourage you to look at your life and see where you can create healthy boundaries and balance in your life even if it is painful at first. When you get used to it, it might be the best thing you did for yourself.

Fibromyalgia by Mayo Clinic Staff

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

This Is My Hard Time of Year

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 28, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life

I know a lot of people that have a certain time of year that is more of a struggle for them than others and this is my hard time of the year; October to February were the months that my custodial parent struggled and so that is the time that my hardest memories live and I tend to relive them. I need to contact my therapist and increase my therapy sessions to twice a month, instead of once a month, I was hoping that I could stay with monthly but I am seeing that the cycles are repeating, as usual.

I was supposed to get up when my wife, Karen G Clemenson, went to work this morning, but I couldn’t. I fell back to sleep. When she came in for lunch today, she woke me from a dream where I was folding orange inmate jumpsuits. It was part of my duties because I was incarcerated for a short time. They didn’t have jumpsuits in my size so I had to purchase my own. I was being told to take good care of mine so that when I had to come back I could bring them with me. I figured as much. What a dream.

Stressful dreams and nightmares are normal for me but more common in this time of year. I sleep a lot more because I don’t get good rest when I having these dreams, plus with the cold weather I have a lot more pain and that is another reason for bad sleep. When I tried to wake up today Veda was here, that is what I call depression, it implies she is a visitor, instead of something I can’t overcome and maybe she will only be here for a short visit.

I know this visit from Veda was triggered by someone that asked my wife if she was the sister-in-law of my sibling. It shouldn’t bother me but it does. My siblings have made it abundantly clear that they want no part of my life. All those wonderful Hallmark cards that describe sisters are only describing, Jamie Holloway, and in no way will I call my siblings sisters and take away from Jamie who has been there for every fun event, diagnosis and growth moment in my life. I have invited my siblings, I have gone to theirs, when invited, I have loved their children with all my heart, until I was told to stop contacting them and then I loved them in my heart and prayers and hoped that when they were 18-years-old, they might choose to see me.

Longview, Washington is not as small as people think it is. But it is small enough. It has been big enough that I have never run into people I don’t want to run into but small enough that I can hear about people I don’t want to know about. I wish that the one sibling that lives here, that I have forgiven, but I can never trust, would just let me and my wife go. Just don’t talk about us. You don’t want us in person, why talk about us when we aren’t there? I promise you I don’t talk about you. Why would I? I realize I have aired my laundry a few times but I have grown beyond that, now I just want to try to heal and I don’t need any help being reminded of my past. PTSD does that for me.

I am so looking forward to spring when the crocuses and daffodils start blooming!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month: But, Why Did You Stay? Why Don’t You Just Leave Him?

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 27, 2022 | Education, Life

This article was originally published on October 20, 2022 on WellnessWorksNW.com.

In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Karen G Clemenson asked me to write something regarding the topic. Domestic Violence is a hard topic and I didn’t take it lightly, but I also didn’t want to repeat the same things we have written before so I contacted Sarah Hancock at the Emergency Support Shelter. Since Karen is on the board at ESS, Sarah was glad to loan me a couple of books she thought were very powerful to read: But, Why Did You Stay? by Mekisha Jane Walker and Why Don’t You Just Leave Him? by Stacey Jameson. These books were not hard to read but they were a difficult topic and I found myself feeling a lot of emotions.

Details about Walker and her husband Luke:

Walker was a successful criminal trial attorney but was too afraid to leave her abusive husband
Luke had deep emotional scars lying dormant that she didn’t know about before she married him
Luke was irritated with Walker’s close friends, especially male friends — even if they had partners
Luke had a bad childhood and Walker thought she could “love him” thought it
Luke had no empathy for Walker’s migraines
Luke was self-absorbed and everything was Walker’s fault
Luke was a textbook narcissist and master manipulator
Luke humiliated Walker in public
Luke broke Walker’s things when he got upset
There were signs of emotional abuse before the marriage
Verbal and physical abuse began after the marriage
Luke guarded the mail to intercept money for his secret bank account while spending Walker’s money too
Luke blamed his bad behavior on his bad childhood and his mother’s death

Walker came from a supportive middle-class family. She was educated, smart and devoted to her career. She had lots of friends and acquaintances. She had a few romantic relationships, but they were not great and she let them go. Her relationship with Luke began fast and hard…

Walker had no idea that Luke had abused his previous wife. He had a son from this marriage, that he forced his ex to give up her rights to, and Walker adopted him. She was always trying to keep the peace to no avail. When she became pregnant she hoped he would not hit her, but that was not the case. She had become very good at covering bruises and marks with makeup and scarves. Walker had gone to great lengths to avoid the “victim’ label for her entire marriage.

The abuse happens to all loved ones as much as the victim. Walker didn’t realize that her family was confused by her husband’s behavior when they were together, which was as little as possible. He had slowly isolated Walker as much as he could.

The background in Stacey Jameson’s story was much different. Growing up Jameson’s mom called her names, was angry all the time, and made her feel like a burden who was meant to absorb her pain. After her parents divorce, her mother did what she could to keep Jameson and her siblings away from her father.

Jameson and Leon met when they were 13-years-old. Leon’s parents fought and they also encouraged stealing. Jameson overlooked this because they had created a sense of family for her.

Details about Jameson and her husband Leon:

Leon was a bully at school
Leon was possessive and controlling toward Jameson and increasingly violent until she was equally in love and terrified of him
Jameson would believe Leon was sorry and messed up by his stress at home
Jameson thought Leon must love her to be so jealous
Jameson knew her feelings were and obsession — she didn’t care how Leon treated her as long as she had him
At 17 Jameson got pregnant and her mother forced her to have an abortion
Jameson had been taught to be submissive and take responsibility for other people’s behaviors while Leon was dominant and abusive — their marriage was doomed
Jameson and Leon were married at 19

Jameson was sure she had to leave the oppressive home of her mother — even if it meant putting up with possible abuse from Leon.

Leon had been conditioned to never hit where it would leave a mark that clothing wouldn’t cover. He often pulled her hair and hit her in her torso area, arms and legs. He had learned this from how his father treated his mother. He had extremely high standards for cleanliness in the home and the children. Jameson felt like a slave in her home. She never had any help; even when she was very ill, she was abused for being negative and ruining the day with her bad attitude.

Not unlike Luke, Leon had new clothes, cars and went out when he wanted to while their wives struggled to make due with what they had.

Reading some of the humiliation these women went through, it is not hard to wonder why they stayed but to be honest, if I just waited and thought a bit, there are moments in my younger days that I allowed myself to be abused. Not physically but emotionally. But abuse is abuse and until you are ready to change your circumstances, you stay. Some people don’t leave for financial reasons or fear of being judged, there are many reasons to stay; there is security in the known, even if it is painful.

How to help a friend or family member that is being abused:

Talk about options
Don’t add pressure — they have enough
Done expect them to follow your timetable
Let them know you are always available
Avoid comments that sound condescending — you don’t know what their life is like and you don’t know what they are feeling
Respect their decision no matter what

If you are being abused or know someone that is being abused that needs support there are confidential and free resources available at Emergency Support Shelter for anyone that needs it, no matter what your gender or age. You don’t have to leave but if you are ready, or you just need support until you are ready to leave, or if you have been victimized and you need help, there are people there to help you heal.

ESS offers the following services:

Domestic Violence Advocacy and Shelter
Sexual Assault Advocacy
Crime Victim Advocacy
Sexual Exploitation & Labor Trafficking Advocacy

www.emergencysupportshelter.com ~ call 24/7 360-425-1176 ~ or ~ text 360-726-1003

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233

I have to say I really admire the strength and courage these women showed to write their stories. I know that other people have been helped by their stories. Yes, they took a lot of abuse, but when they were ready they got help and got away from their abusers. This took extreme bravery, when they were exhausted and probably felt like they had no other choice. People living in abusive relationships deserve our compassion and support. I am glad we have programs in our area that can offer this to people needing to get free from abuse.

I would like to thank Sarah at Emergency Support Shelter for loaning me these books to read. I searched the Longview Public Library database and these books are not available there, but you can purchase your own copy of But, Why Did You Stay by Mekisha Jane Walker and Why Don’t You Just Leave Him? by Stacey Jameson on Amazon.

Read My Review of But, Why Did You Stay by Mekisha Jane Walker on GoodReads:

But, Why Did You Stay?: How I Survived Domestic Violence by Mekisha Walker
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Very intense. Domestic Violence is hard topic. This woman is amazing.

View all my reviews

Read My Review of Why Don’t You Just Leave Him? by Stacey Jameson on GoodReads:

Why Don’t You Just Leave Him?: A True Story of Domestic Violence. by Stacey Jameson
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This story of Domestic Violence is brutal. This woman was groomed from birth to be violated for life yet she eventually was able to get free. This was a hard read but a good one.

View all my reviews

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

God, Meds and Self-Care

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 26, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

There are three things I have to be attune to every day to be balanced: God, meds and self-care. Beyond these three things, my activities can vary within a given day, but I have to give a nod to these three things to remain in my best self. I think if I didn’t have mental and physical chronic illness these things might not be so profound but since I do, they are paramount.

I have a friend that lives with a lot with similar issues. They have been having a lot of struggles the last few years because they have different issues than I do and it is hard to find solutions and parameters that we can live with sometimes. They came to visit my wife, Karen G Clemenson, at work the other day. They let her know that they had dropped out of school. They needed more time to focus on their passion. They were so afraid I would be disappointed in them. I am not.

Today is a hard day for me. I pushed myself very hard yesterday AND the weather has changed, bringing more pain. I am anxious about blood clots. I am a little more anxious about a lot of things but that too is cyclical for me. I slept in. I did do my workout; it took a lot longer than usual and included tears in my eyes for most of it. I have taken my meds so far, until my night time meds are due. I have done my bible study and talked to God several times. I have put on my compression sock, done all my toiletries, got dressed, eaten appropriately, fed the cat and I am writing — I even went through the ads on Safeway’s and Fred Meyer’s websites…and worked on my budget for November…I have to make sure to remember to buy my mother-in-law some socks and Karen is out of ketchup…

Sometimes getting dressed means putting my nightgown back on but today I put clothes on. Sometimes writing is just the journaling I do while I do my bible study or notes I take while reading a book. Sometimes I don’t touch a book and I just lie in bed and talk to God. I understand having to change plans. If school is not part of the big picture for you and you feel like it is stealing time from your dream, don’t go. It doesn’t make sense to waste your time, money and energy on something that is not for you. What works for some people, might not be what will work for you.

What is important is that you find what does work for you. What are the three things you need every day to be balanced? Maybe it isn’t God, meds and self-care…maybe you don’t need medications…maybe you don’t believe in God…I hope you believe in some form of self-care…I also hope you do believe in a higher power but that is a different blog.

What are your three things?

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Sometimes You Just Feel Thankful! A Cancer Update

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 25, 2022 | Cancer, Life, Prayers & Thanksgiving

I feel so thankful today! I just got off my video appointment with my oncologist just a few minutes ago and got really good news. Sometimes you just feel thankful and this is one of those times for me.

This appointment was supposed to be a pre-op appointment for my next procedure, the first week of November but because I haven’t been on my blood thinners for a month yet, Dr Westhoff wants to put my next procedure off until early December. Hey, I don’t mind.

She told me that my pulmonary embolisms were very large and there were three factors that could have contributed to why I got them: my inactivity because of my pain levels, my endometrial cancer and the Megestrol to treat the cancer. I haven’t been taking my cancer meds for a couple weeks, when she told me to stop taking it.

She wants to hold off on the next D&C until I have been on the blood thinners for at least a solid month. She also wants to order an ultrasound on my legs prior to my next procedure to make sure that there are no new blood clots in my legs. If there are blood clots found, we will wait a bit longer for my next procedure because the type of anesthesia we use can actually cause blood clots to come loose and send them to my lungs and then I will be in the same position.

Once we are able to do the next Dilation and Curettage she will decide if and when I will restart taking the cancer meds.

She also told me that I will be taking Eliquis longer than 3 months, but as long as I have active cancer in my body. She insisted that I needed to stay on Eliquis and not another medication because it works better with my treatment and the fact that I have cancer is a factor that may cause me to have blood clots. I was a little stressed about that because that means $250 a month, after insurance. Dr Westhoff helped me to feel better when she told me that she would have Legacy’s pharmacy call Karen with resources. Because I have cancer there are resources to help get that number to an easier amount each month. Thank You God!

Dr Westhoff made sure to remind me that during the last procedure she could see that my body was responding to the treatment plan. She is also happy that I haven’t had a period in 2 months which means that the IUD is doing its job in making my uterus a peaceful place…I will be doing blood work for my primary tomorrow to verify that I am no longer anemic…

All in all I am getting good news from my doctors and I am so THANKFUL!

Happy birthday Mom!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Are You a TERF?

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 24, 2022 | Education, Opinions, Queer Community

Recently I had the pleasure of having a conversation with a new friend on Messenger that helped me grow a new wrinkle on my brain, the one place I want as many wrinkles as possible. Her name isn’t really Susan, but I wasn’t sure she wanted me to share her real name so I gave her a name that people, for some reason, often mistake my name for:

Susan: Are You are TERF?

Me: I don’t understand. What do you mean?

Susan: There is a certain comedian that had gone out of their way to include transphobic material in their comedy routines. A TERF is a Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist.

Me: “Well, I didn’t know they did that. And I am not judgmental towards anybody in the family. I just agreed with the statement, in this scenario. They are also an atheist and I don’t agree with them on that level either. I don’t think I will ever meet them so there is no chance we will be friends, but if we do meet, I will ask them why they pick on such beautiful people just for money. It only makes them look small. Do I need to take the post down?”

Susan: “It would make me more comfortable if you did. This post resonates with me on the terms of some of the transphobic things they have said.’

Me: “Thank you for telling me about your feelings and this term.”

Susan: “I’m glad we could have some amount of dialogue over it and move forward.”

Me: “I am too. The post is gone.”

Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminism is a form of transphobia or specifically trans-misogyny that targets trans women and trans-feminine people.

There does seem to be a group of lesbians and radical feminists that believe that including trans-females “erases” them or makes them less relevant,. There are events in Europe where trans-females have been excluded which have caused angst with groups that support both lesbians and trans-females.

In the purest form of feminism, all genders have equal rights and opportunities and there is respect for diversity, experiences, identities, knowledge, strength and striving for women, and everyone to realize their full rights.

Some feminists do not see transgender females as women; they feel as though since this group of people were assigned male at birth, they are privy to male privilege and can’t fully appreciate the subordinate social position of women in society. These women believe that by choosing to live as a female, transgender females are exercising another form of male entitlement. This reason has allowed them to exclude trans women from womanhood and women-only spaces, creating a sex-based oppression.

These radical feminists are losing footing in the United States as annual events are seeing artists boycott events that exclude transgender women. One trans woman that was excluded from Michfest in 2014 said, “it’s not really wanting to invade space. It’s a deep-seated wanting to belong.” But she added, “if you’re identifying with women, shouldn’t you be empathizing with women?” What is a Women; The New Yorker

Why is is wrong to look at only biological gender as a marker for gender? Because there are many differences that make the female experience different. Race, sexuality and social status make a difference in the experiences of womanhood, let alone the binary construct that gender dwells on. Trans females and trans-feminine people face very serious oppression and suffer with high rates of violence, homelessness, poverty, sexual assault and healthcare discrimination. Women’s spaces and resources need to be available to them, including shelters, survivor support, health care, and bathrooms all need to be made available to every person; trans-men may need pregnancy and related services as well. By alienating trans-females, cis women that are more masculine have been targeted because people have assumed they are trans.

I am really glad that Susan reached out to me and not just because we got to share really cute pictures of our cats after we were done talking about TERFs but because she helped me learn about a topic I wouldn’t have learned about otherwise. When I referred to “the family” I was talking to all queer folks whether they are an L-G-B-T-Q-I or A, we need to stick together and support each other not just because we suffer persecution sometimes but because we are fellow humans. As humans we can all relate to each other, knowing that we all suffer, we all want to grow and we all seek joy.

I wish you well.

How to Spot TERF Ideology by The University of Cambridge Women’s Campaign
‘Pro-lesbian’ or ‘trans-exclusionary’? Old animosities boil into public view by Julie Compton for NBC News January 14, 2019
Price Waterhouse v. Hopkins at Thirty by Sasha Buchert — Senior Attorney, Lambda Legal for Alliance for Justice May 1, 2019
What is a Woman? The dispute between radical feminism and transgenderism by Michelle Goldberg for The New Yorker American Chronicles July 28, 2014
What is Feminism? by International Women’s Development Agency Staff
You many have heard about TERFs Winter 2019 Newsletter by Gender Justice Staff

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: Crazy Joy Finding Wild Happiness in a World That’s Upside Down by Mary Katherine Backstrom

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 20, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

On my last visit to see my sister, Jamie Holloway, she handed me a bag full of books to read. I accepted the challenge, knowing I would pass on these books to new readers when I was done. What a fun contest. One of the books in the bag was bright colored and promised to be fun. Crazy Joy, Finding Wild Happiness in a World That’s Upside Down by Mary Katherine Backstrom sounded exciting.

Right away Backstrom lets her readers know she has been diagnosed with bipolar 2, OCD, PTSD and ADHD so we know she has had some struggles but she herself is probably rather colorful. She says: Some days are blue but other days are manic but she likes how those feel; yes they are destructive but she feels like sunshine.

I enjoyed the introduction and then I couldn’t really follow Backstrom. I don’t know if there is such a huge difference in our ages, where we were raised or what, but try as I might I couldn’t follow her but I did love the questions she asked at the end of the chapters and that is where I got the most from the book.

My answers to questions from the chapters:

Chapter 1

I believe happiness is defined by how your pursue it until you decide what you want to be happy. I want a partner that supports and loves me no matter what. I want to have an idea of what I should do to cope with my chronic illnesses. I want to want to have dreams and the security to start planning for them. I have this. Besides this I have a solid relationship with God who provides all we need in His wisdom and perfect timing. I don’t think happiness is always what we think we want but it is the satisfaction that we are safe and we can build on a firm foundation.
Joy comes in moments where we allow forgiveness to heal resentments. Happiness and Joy are related. Happiness is a state of mind and Joy is like a new plateau as we grow toward love.

Chapter 2

If I could go back to my child-self what would I say? I would say: “I love you.” I would hug myself and say, “I believe in you. I love your smart brain and big heart and it is ok that no one understands you because God does. You are important. You are original and you will have to be very brave and ask yourself what you want. Take a walk every day because you enjoy it. You will never make anyone happy so make yourself happy and meet your responsibilities. Keep listening to that voice in your head.” Most of this I would say in my head because my younger self wouldn’t be able to process this but I would hold her hand and love her with all my heart.

Chapter 3

I think cemeteries are beautiful and peaceful. I have enjoyed exploring them and wondering about the people buried there.
I want my dash to grow every day. I am not afraid to die and I am not generally sad when people die because I believe our souls are eternal and our mortal bodies hold us back — so I just want to feed my soul as much as I can while I am on earth and try to encourage others as well.
I think we we take our love with us and God tells us to rejoice a lot so we must take our joy with us when we die, although I have never contemplated it until now. This makes me appreciate God even more because He is so good.

Chapter 4

I was taught I had to have a beautiful home and things to be happy; money in the bank and trips planned. But you know what? I don’t. Those things might be nice, when I ready for them, but I trust God and He obviously thinks I am not there yet, so my world is small, but my bills are paid and I have what I need and enough to share and I am happy.

Chapter 5

When my self-talk gets negative, I correct myself and forgive myself and then I say something positive like: I am getting better at staying in the now, or I feel stronger when I do my workout daily.
God tells me He chose me and He is with me always. My wife tells me I am beautiful and important. I tell myself I am intelligent and able — I think I am hearing good things. It used to be hard for me to accept praise because it used to come with a backhanded judgement, but I am healing from that. Now I am trying to just be grateful.

Thank you to my sister, Jamie, for loaning me her copy of this book although what I got out of it was unconventional, maybe you will connect with her better than I could. You can buy your own copy of Crazy Joy Finding Wild Happiness in a World That’s Upside Down by Mary Katherine Backstrom on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

Crazy Joy: Finding Wild Happiness in a World That’s Upside Down by Mary Katherine Backstrom
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Backstrom writes in a friendly fashion but I couldn’t relate very well. I did enjoy her questions at the end of each chapter, that is where I found the most growth for myself.

View all my reviews

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I Don’t Accept

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 19, 2022 | About Summer, Community, Life, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

Years ago I was trying to be part of a group of people, learning to use their prophetic gifts. I was very uncomfortable because I didn’t feel like I fit in but I wanted to learn from them so I kept going. As they took turns prophesying over each other, I wondered why no one spoke over me and I heard God tell me that He would be the only one that He would allow to speak over me. As someone trying to be part of a group this was a buzzkill but as a believer, this was a really cool word…that I didn’t feel I could share with anyone in the group and not hurt their feelings…

True to His word, no one has tried to speak over me and when I have volunteered myself for prayer, I have paid the price by bringing other people’s junk home to fight with until I figured out what to give to God so I would be free. Not fun.

I generally, take this in stride. I don’t read a lot of opinions of man. I stick to my bible. The Word is alive to me and I can read the same verse over and over again and get something new each time. My talks with God are informal. He made me. I don’t have to be fancy.

Yesterday a person sent me an article to read. I was surprised because I haven’t had a face to face talk with this person since The Red Rooster was open in Downtown Longview, WA…I really loved their baked peach fritters! If anyone knows where I can find baked peach fritters I would love to know!

I read the article. it was ok. The premise was good but there was a manipulative spirit on it. I stayed with the positive and thanked them for the article and asked them why they sent it to me since we rarely interact. I was surprised by their answer but took it quietly. They told me that I was overly critical of myself and I should read the free book on the site so that I could better understand my identity in Christ.

I know my identity in Christ very well. I assured them it was my identity on this earth I was having trouble with and then I went to talk to God. I also thought about their words a lot. I appreciate them thinking of me, they obviously thought this book was very good and might be of help to me, like it was to them. I asked God to bless them. I felt criticized by their words and I wondered if maybe they were too critical of their own self, so I asked God that if that were true, that He would free them. I even asked that if there was any truth to their words towards me that He heal me but that was just covering my bases.

I couldn’t get it out of my head so I decided to send them another message:

They answered that they could tell by the content of my posts.

To which I replied:

I don’t believe this person was trying to hurt me in any way. But I am thankful for this moment to look at their statement about where they think I am and say I don’t accept. This is important because so many times in my life, people who were well meaning, spoke negative things over me and I wasn’t able to say, “No,” and now I am.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

What Are Gap People?

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 17, 2022 | Community, Education, Life, Opinions

I told someone today I was a Gap Person. I wasn’t talking about someone that shops at The Gap; I don’t do that.

When I read this statement I get a little defensive because my family has been in the system for a long time. In fact, for the last 8 years we have never had a lease in our name. We have either lived with friends or in hotels or motels, while we worked with organizations that were excited to help us until they got to know us.

What have we learned? I can’t live with other people successfully. I can’t live in the Highlands. I can’t live with bugs and yelling voices, fighting and police cars showing up regularly. I have also learned that there a lot of people that work very hard and make enough money to pay the rent but nothing else.

Those people that are an expense to the community that the Cowlitz 5 Year Homeless Housing Plan refers to are the people who live on the street and/or make waves. They get arrested. They make trouble. They make messes. Not because they are bad people, necessarily, they just need help and are very loud about it. When I am properly medicated and I feel relatively safe, I don’t make much noise at all. In order to get help I have to go to a shelter. That is what VIP wants us to do.

I have to give up my Emotional Support Animal to do that. Xavier is not allowed there. My 15-year-old kitty would have to be re-homed. I am not going to do that.

Living with other people eventually leads me to negative thoughts; suspicious thoughts and then the rest of my mind goes to bad places. I might even end up on the Behavioral Health floor at the hospital. Who needs or wants that?

The goal of the 5 Year Plan is to house more veterans, disabled and mentally ill…Hello! My wife is a veteran (with 3 jobs) and I am disabled and mentally ill…we are also a black and queer family if you want to hit a few more stats.

Do you know that since we can never save any money that we can’t ever think of moving out of this nice hotel? I can’t have a kitchen. I can’t grow anything in dirt. We have to drive to find a pretty place to take a walk and forget going out of town for fun. We work hard to keep our minds positive but sometimes it is really hard. We are both really tired.

You probably know other Gap People. We are not the only ones. The definition of homelessness is pretty open. We have friends that live in their cars too. You wont know unless you know what to look for, or they trust you enough to ask you to charge their back up battery or maybe come over for a shower.

Those people living on Alabama are not the only ones that need help. I am praying for all of us. Even the ones who are living in nice houses with more than enough resources because we all need to be kinder to each other.

I thank God every day because I know that I am very blessed. I have a roof over my head and a family that grounds me and loves me. I know that there are many people that don’t have that. I have never been hungry or naked or without a shower for longer than I wanted to be. Even the wars in my mind, I know aren’t real most of the time.

I pray you can respect every person you meet today. You don’t really know what they are battling. Gap people are really good at hiding that they are trapped. And for people that are not in the gap but having a really bad moment, give them some space. They don’t want to hurt you. They may not even know you are you.

We all need to be saved sometimes.

Cowlitz 5 Year Homeless Housing Plan Updated 11.25.19.pdf created December 2, 2019 by Danielle Rylander and updated by Emily Strange for the Washington State Department of Commerce

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Whether or Not I Have an Abortion is None of Your Business

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 15, 2022 | Life, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

My heart is heavy today. I try to avoid the TV and succeed during the day when my wife, Karen G Clemenson, is at work but at night she likes to watch her shows. Being campaign season, every commercial break bombards viewers with ads about abortion on both sides. I am so tired. Whether or not I have an abortion is none of your business.

I know this is a loaded sentiment, especially because I am a Jesus follower but it is true. The choices I make in my life are mine and the only one I have to answer to is Jesus. I don’t have the right to judge anyone and I don’t have to share my choices with anyone.

According to an article in The Washington Post, Senator Lindsey Graham, representative of South Carolina, has introduced a bill that would ban abortions, nationwide, after 15 weeks of pregnancy.

When asked if his bill had exceptions for cases where there were fetal abnormalities that were found later in the pregnancy or if the child was stillborn, Graham did not know. I don’t understand this. If this is his bill, shouldn’t he know what is in it?

I think the decisions we make in life are getting more important. I don’t want to invoke anger. But I do want to make people think.

I am very upset because all parties have wasted so much money advertising about abortion — what good it would have been done if that money had been invested in public schools, foster care, health care or housing, where living children may need help. It seems so petty to judge and control people’s actions while children suffer needlessly in one of the wealthiest countries in the world. It makes me feel so angry and sad. How do I bless God with these emotions? How do I not judge people when I feel this way?

I do trust God. There are lots of confusing things in this world but I am glad that God’s wisdom is above all and He always helps me find His peace as I need it.

Jesus’ redemption and forgiveness of sins is never-ending and His grace is beyond our comprehension. If the murderer that was on the cross beside him on the day He was crucified was worthy of the same forgiveness as I am, so is anyone in a moment of desperation. Jesus will not return until all His children have been collected, He is that patient and his mercy is that everlasting. I don’t have to judge anyone.

My job is to seek out truth and love and that is what I am doing. I don’t have to lean on my own understanding because I can lean on my faith in the Son of God who loved me and died for me so that I could share in His new life. I know His grace covers every baby that has died and He welcomes them home.

Graham introduces bill to ban abortion nationwide after 15 weeks by Amy B Wang and Caroline Kitchener for The Washington Post on September 13, 2022

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: I Will Not Fear My Story of a Lifetime of Building Faith Under Fire by Melba Pattillo Beals

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 14, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

I recently had the opportunity to read I Will Not Fear My Story of a Lifetime of Building Faith Under Fire by Melba Pattillo Beals and I was so touched by her story. Every moment, it seemed, of this woman’s life was a tribute to faith and strength and it spoke to my soul.

Melba Pattillo Beals was born on December 7, 1941, on Pearl Harbor Day at Missouri Pacific Hospital. It was a whites only hospital but since her father worked there and her grandmother promised that Bishop Riley, a black pastor that had a lot of respect in the town, would be appreciative if an acceptation was made in their case, since it was obvious that the baby was too large for her mother to deliver without help, they were allowed to stay in a storage room. They had to enter using the back door. No birth certificate would be administered with the hospital’s name on it. There would be no visitors allowed and only the mother, father and grandmother were allowed in the hospital.

Beals required forceps to be born which caused an infection that required surgery. The doctor ordered her head to be rinsed with Epson salts every 2 hours but the white nurses refused to care for the infant. As the baby’s temperature reached 105 degrees, the janitor heard their prayers and told them the orders he had overheard the doctor give the nurses. Beals’ grandmother went to the store to purchase Epson salts and took care of the baby herself and she was able to go home in 3 days.

15 years later in September of 1957, Beals was chosen as one of the Little Rock Nine. She was One of 9 students chosen by the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) to integrate Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas. This decision was not supported by the local people. It had been made by the United States Supreme Court, who stated that separate was not equal and all schools must integrate.

Angry, rock-throwing mobs surrounded the school. The Ku Klux Klan rode every night and more frequently in the neighborhood Beals lived in. The local newspaper listed the student’s addresses and phone numbers which brought obscene phone calls and random bullets flying through windows.

On the first day of school the National Guard had been called in by the governor to keep the black students from entering the school. Beals saw her friend, Elizabeth, escape the angry mob to the safety of Mrs. Grace Lorch and Benjamin Fine from the New York Times. Beals and her mother were not so lucky. As the crowd threatened to rape and lynch them, Beals remembered her grandmother telling her that God was as close as her skin and so she prayed to God and they were able to reach their car and get away as the mob threw rocks and punched their car.

The governor called back the National Guard and began using State Troopers to keep the black children out of the school even though the NAACP told the students to stay home while they filed an injunction to prohibit the governor from blocking their entry.

Monday September 23, 1957 the 9 students were led into the school by local police. There were given class assignments where none of them had any classes together. Not any white student or faculty wanted them there and it showed. By 11:30 am the black students had to be evacuated and taken home because the police could not control the violent mob outside. In response President Eisenhower sent the 101st Airborne Division of the US Army — The Screaming Eagles, the heroes of the Korean War — to guard that black students and keep the peace.

Wednesday September 25, 1957, 9 children were escorted by armed 101st Division Soldiers, helicopters flew overhead and troopers galloped back and forth across 2 blocks in front of the high school. Each student had 2 soldiers each. This didn’t stop all the abuse but Beal’s hopes rose that she would get a good education.

Lessons Beals Learned Through Her High School Experience:

The President sending troops to protect black students was a miracle.
It’s God’s plan that prevails — not our’s.
You can’t change other people, only yourself.
Integrating the school was not about the 9 students but about the generations to come.
There is not time for worry — you must be aware and alert about now so you can cope with day to day attacks.
Segregation took away opportunities but mostly self-esteem.
Always be grateful.
Always forgive.

During the summer of 1958 Governor Foubus had a private white school built and closed all public schools. Since they weren’t using tax dollars there was nothing the government could do. The 5 remaining students from the original Little Rock Nine that hadn’t been expelled, had to wait to see what the NAACP told them to do.

Beal’s grandmother also died around this time and it was a great trial for her to go through. Although she spent the morning studying she used the rest of the day doing what her grandmother had used to do to keep the house going for her family.

In 1959 the NAACP sent Beals to Santa Rosa, CA to finish her senior year. The KKK had put posters up offering cash rewards for the death of the 9 students and it was not longer safe for them to stay in Little Rock. No one told Beals that the NAACP was run by white people in Santa Rosa or the family she would be staying with was also white before she got there. This was a huge adjustment for her, but eventually she learned that these people were not going to hurt her and she built loving relationships with them. This was truly a life-changing experience for her. The McCabe family taught Beals that white didn’t mean freedom. Freedom was a mindset that we can all enjoy.

As Beals started college, at 19-years-old, she met and married Jay, a white man. He did not care about skin color and he helped her heal from the pain in the past. But he also wanted her at home. He wanted a traditional wife that was happy to stay at home, cooking, cleaning, and being a mommy. But Beals wanted an education and a career and married life was not working. Their marriage ended but it produced a beautiful daughter and Beals left with positive and loving thoughts of Jay.

Beals was offered a scholarship at Columbia University in New York. Her daughter went to stay with her mother in Little Rock. Afterward she went back to California to fill a position as a news reporter at KQED. Later she moved to KRON TV and soon realized she was facing a quiet form of racism. She prayed to God for guidance and then stood up for herself and let her bosses know if this behavior remained she would have to gain the support of the NAACP. She knew she was given a big responsibility and didn’t want to fail.

By following her heart and God’s lead, Beals was able to push beyond the fluffy stories female reporters were usually restricted to in the 1970’s. She covered several serious crimes and impressed her male colleagues and helped women see they could have the future they wanted. She also moved on to self-employment doing public relations and authoring books.

On Tuesday November 9, 1999 the Little Rock Nine received the Congressional Gold Medal.

Throughout Beals’ life she overcame adversity by praying to God and following her heart. She kept her mind strong and never lost faith. This book is not just one inspirational story but several over one woman’s lifetime. Beals is a good writer and her words compel you to continue turning the pages.

Thank you to my sister, Jamie Holloway, for loaning me the copy of the book I read. You can get your own copy of I Will Not Fear My Story of a Lifetime of Building Faith Under Fire by Melba Pattillo Beals on Amazon.com

Read my Review on Goodreads:

I Will Not Fear: My Story of a Lifetime of Building Faith Under Fire by Melba Pattillo Beals
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I found this book to be very inspiring. Beals writes in a way that is easy to absorb while imagining her ordeals vividly. She is a strong woman with a powerful voice.

View all my reviews

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Coming Home

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 13, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions, Wellness

I mentioned coming home in my blog, I Had to Paint my Toenails Today and said it was a process. I was talking about when you have been away from home for a period of time. If I were returning from military deployment, the Military Family Readiness System would available to me to help me re-engage with my family and life at home. But what I was really talking about was returning to myself.

As long as I can remember I have been trying to understand why I didn’t fit and why I wasn’t happy. I had moments of happy but they didn’t last. About 25 years ago I tried medication and therapy but had a very bad reaction because my doctors weren’t listening to me so I quit. 20 years ago I really jumped in and began digging in myself with God and a trusted pastor and we got a lot of things out of the way. This helped me through until about 8 years ago when I got physically sick and had a mental break down. I knew that this time, there were parts of me that were not going to come back. I was diligent, honest with myself and with the help of my wife, Karen G Clemenson, and my sister, Jamie Holloway, and a team of medical professionals I found an action plan that worked for me. Karen is my rock and soldier and Jamie taught me to be brave and speak for myself.

A couple of weeks ago I was reading a book and suddenly realized I was happy. It was a sudden realization. My expectations of happiness have changed a lot. I now understand that happiness is a state of mind. Nothing you can buy has anything to do with happiness. Happiness is more about having what you need and the freedom to dream. I have those things. I stopped everything and told Karen, who seemed just as surprised as I was. This is part of being home.

When I say coming home, I am not just talking about coming back to where I live but also to my action plan. There are things I do every day that keep me balanced and yesterday was the first day I did them all. It took me 6 days, where I did most or some of them, but not all of them, but on the 6th day I made it. These things are not so big, but they are vital to me and showing myself self-love.

This is my every day list:

My morning anaerobic workout
My toiletries and skin care
Get dressed
Make sure I have my steel cut oats for tomorrow and eat them for breakfast
Drink plenty of water or tea
Do my bible study and journal
Take meds when the 3 alarms go off (thank God for pill sorters)
Read and write something
Take 2 short walks – This one is new!

I do other things every day but these are the must do’s. When I do these things I know I am taking care of what I need to feel like I have cared for my physical, mental and spiritual needs. In this world we often get so busy that we neglect one or all of these things and we should not do this. Each of us is not just a body but a mind and a spirit and we have to foster health in all areas or we become unbalanced and we lose our feeling of home.

I always thought it was selfish to make time for myself until I got sick. When you get chronically ill you learn that if you don’t create as much balance in your life as you can, you will cause more flares. In a way, this is a gift because it forces you to learn to love yourself. God tells us to rest because He knows we are fragile and He knows we need time to recuperate from our hectic lives.

If you don’t have a routine of self-love for everyday, I encourage you to create one. Maybe you don’t have to do as many things as I do. I didn’t start with a list this long. It took years to get here. But maybe you could find one thing you could do for yourself and when you get used to doing that everyday, add another. You are important. You are your home. You wouldn’t let your roof keep leaking so don’t let your body, mind and spirit go without care.

Military Family Readiness System by Military One Source Staff on August 31, 2022

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacker

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 12, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

So my wife, Karen G Clemenson, brought this book home from the library and I ended up reading it. There were times it was hard to read because I could feel some of the author’s pain but I am glad I read Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacker. Hornbacker’s struggle was real and relatable. This is her story and she openly shares how she self-medicated for many years before she was able to come up with an action plan that works for her and her family and loved ones to deal with her bipolar disorder type 1.

In the 1970’s psychiatry knew little about bipolar disorder – we didn’t even know it by that name until the 1980’s. Many people with bipolar disorder were wrongly diagnosed with schizophrenia. In the 90’s people were misdiagnosed with unipolar depression. “Mental Illness” was rarely discussed.

In order to control the mania and rapid cycling moods she went through, Hornbacker manifested the following coping mechanisms from age 6-13 year of age:

Depression starts in 1981
Obsessive prayer starts in 1983
Anorexia and Bulimia starts in 1984
Alcohol abuse starts in 1985
Cutting starts in 1988

Mental illness runs in her father’s family. Her father lives with depression. Hornbacker’s symptoms began to show as early as age 4. Although she had the full support from her family, doctors often didn’t know what to do to help her. Even with her anorexia and bulimia, Hornbacker felt that doctors often treated the symptoms of the eating disorders but often missed the actual mental illness that was the real cause, wreaking havoc on the person’s mind.

Many times, as Hornbacker seeks help, doctors are not listening to her. The therapist she is seeing in 1995 doesn’t care that emotions are manic or that she cuts daily. She asks if she is journaling, tells Hornbacker to appreciate her success with eating and continue with her self-care. That night she accidentally cuts too deep.

In 1996 Hornbacker gets married to Julian. She has manic fits at night and terrorizes the house, drives like a maniac until she heads home to pass out and compulsively shops. The marriage lasts 2 years.

Hornbacker fails to tell doctors of her extreme drinking and no sleep. She doesn’t eat, she drinks tons of coffee and doesn’t take her pills regularly, if at all. By August 2000 she has a complete meltdown that lands her in a lock-down facility. She is told if she doesn’t stop drinking she will never get better.

In 2002, Hornbacker is 28-years-old and has been sober for a year. She has remarried to Jeff and her bipolar is in remission. As she relaxes she begins her same patterns of working and playing too hard…after 7 hospitalizations…

“Some people with bipolar have only one major episode, or have several and then go into remission and live years without them ever coming back. My bipolar, ultra-rapid-cycle-type-1, is tough to treat, and the doctors have warned me that it will probably put in the hospital again. But they can’t say how often, or when it will happen next. So I have two choices: live in constant fear that the next episode is just around the corner, waiting to attack, or live as if by doing the right things to keep myself well, the episodes will never come again,” Chapter 43

Hornbacker is one of the lucky ones, surrounded by a loving family and close friends that will take time to be with her when she shouldn’t be alone and have her hospitalized when she needs more care than they can provide, which is something that is part of her reality. She has times of clarity and times of confusion, but she is always loved.

“That’s what madness looks like: a small woman in baggy red pajamas sitting on a kitchen chair, her feet dangling above the ground, trying to figure out how to eat an eclair while everyone she knows and loves watches her closely, as if she’s a rat in a cage, to see what will happen next.” Chapter 47

Facts from 2008:

2.8% of the United State population has bipolar disorder
25% of bipolar patients have attempted suicide
There is no drug that specifically treats bipolar
50% of people with bipolar disorder are not being treated at all

I am really glad I read this book. I find myself inspired by the changes in our mental health profession and I have hope that more people are more comfortable talking about mental illness. We must make this topic so common place that we can talk about it anywhere. There is no shame in being sick or needing help. Yes, there are some people that may not be able to function in society or may be dangerous but most people need to have a proper action plan and support to have a healthy and meaningful life. I am thankful for my team that has helped me find the proper medications for me and the right amount of therapy sessions I need and the right schedule and healthy coping mechanisms I need to keep my life in balance so I can be a blessing to my family. I am thankful that Marya Hornbacker has these things too.

I checked my book out at The Longview Public Library. Buy your own copy of Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacker on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Riveting, gut-wrenching, powerful! Hornbacher is amazingly strong and I admire her honesty. I could hardly put this book down.

View all my reviews

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I Had to Paint my Toenails Today

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 11, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

Coming home is a process and sometimes each day has only enough spoons for that day and not enough for coming home. My last procedure for my endometrial cancer was in August and I was told to remove my toenail polish, all my jewelry and wash from head to toe with antibacterial soap twice and wash all my bedding and clothes I would wear to bed the night before and to the hospital. I have been home 5 days from my bout with deep vein thrombosis and pulmonary embolism but I am still not totally here…so I had to paint my toenails today.

If you aren’t chronically ill or aren’t close to someone who is, you might not know what I am talking about when I mention spoons, but basically, it is a way of talking about how much energy you have. If you are my wife, with untreated ADHD, you have many more spoons than I do. If you are a normal middle-aged woman you might have twice as many more spoons as I do…the number of spoons I have varies depending on how much pain I am in, what I did the day before, how much anxiety or depression is affecting me today and if there is something else happening that I don’t know about, like DVT or PE.

I never did repaint my toenails after my procedure in August. There have been lots of reasons why. Sometimes it is hard to come back home after being in the hospital and I just didn’t do it. But it is a vanity that makes me feel like myself and I should have done it as soon as I could sit up.

Having cancer has been not unlike any other diagnosis for me. I know it is there. I take my meds as prescribed. I drink my water. I have cut out some more of my favorite foods. (I should premise that my favorite foods have included tomatoes, pineapple, peppers, chilis, curries, and many other healthy foods). I do my exercises. I try to stay positive. I show up at the hospital when they tell me to. I planned it that way. In fact my diagnosis for arthritis bothered me more, it is not curable and it is debilitating. With cancer there is a chance it will be cured. The fact that I have cancer has made my body more susceptible to blood clots and the hormone treatments has also increased my chances at blood clots.

Enter DVT and PE…I was reading about them today. I am taking my blood thinners. Not the old, less expensive ones but the new and very expensive ones (donations can be sent via PayPal to karen@wellnessworksnw.com…I am not joking…these meds cost double what we usually spend on ALL my meds for an entire month, after insurance). We chose the new ones because the old ones have lots of side effects, I would have to come in for blood tests weekly and I would have to give up even more of my favorite foods and there aren’t many left.

My breathing has gotten much better the last two days but I am still tired really easily. The articles I read said it could take 3-6 months for my body to break down these blood clots.There is a chance my body will never break them down. That is not where my mind is going.

I had an appointment with my rheumatologist today. I like her but she is located inside PeaceHealth St John. I was very stressed while being there. I am thankful that I didn’t have a full blown anxiety attack and my blood pressure was only slightly high…I have lost 10 lbs since I was weighed on Friday…this place makes me crazy. When I checked in, the receptionist kindly asked me if I would like a wheelchair. I thanked her but told her I needed my exercise. I want these blood clots gone. I may move slow, but I am trying to get back to me.

I am glad I painted my toenails today…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I am Here Now

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 10, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

I keep reminding myself that I am here now because it is the truth but my mind keeps slipping back to the past. I keep feeling the cords on me holding me down. I keeping hearing the beeping of the machines. I sometimes feel their hands on me holding me down and telling me not to help them because it makes it worse while they ripped my clothes off of me. I tried to tell them that I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD and I needed to be heard, but their rules were more important than me. My heart rate shooting up, sweating, and my hyperventilating were part of my new condition but they were probably part of mega anxiety attacks. Why couldn’t my wife be with me? She has seen all my parts. She is a trained CNA. She grounds me.

It has been hard to try to come back to my life. I keep slipping back into recent events and very old ones. I am always telling myself: I am here now. My emotional support animal, Xavier, is here. When she is not at work, my wife, Karen G Clemenson, is here. I have my diffuser going and air isn’t cold and dry, although I am still dealing with the after effects of 6 days of cold dry air. My sinuses are killing me and I my nose bleeds all the time. I would tell the nurses about the air and they would all say the same thing: Is it?

I told my friend about some of my experiences and she asked me why I had not changed into a gown when I was in ER and I had no answer. The ER department is very different from ICU. In ER, my wife could have helped me. I was well aware that I was very sick and in need of help, it would have taken me a long time to undress and dress myself but I trust Karen, in fact she is one of the only people I do trust.

I went to PeaceHealth St John with shortness of breath and chest pain on Sunday October 2, 2022. I had been having shortness of breath since the Wednesday before and thought maybe my asthma had been flaring up, although I haven’t had a flare in years; I have arthritis in my ribs so I am also used to some pain in my chest as well. Up until that day, taking a nap helped, and by the evening the pain was a strong 7 and I couldn’t fall asleep for the pain. I finally agreed that I am not Wonder Woman and since I had never had a heart attack before, what if this was what was happening?

They took me back to a triage room right away and I was given an EKG and my stats were checked. My numbers were off and my heart rate was thready. I was taken back to a room in the ER and also given a test for COVID…which I don’t have. Eventually a doctor came in and told me he thought I was having a heart attack because my heart was creating a hormone that tells that. I was going to be given blood thinners and admitted to the ICU. Eventually a wonderful nurse was following me down the hall, which I couldn’t walk down without leaning against the wall, trying not to pass out. She was listening to what I was saying and running to get a chair. After that she talked the doctor into a CAT scan where they found that I had a large blood clot in each of my lungs. One was putting pressure on the right side of my heart and stressing it out. I wasn’t having a heart attack but that was why my heart was creating that stress hormone.

The CAT scan was terrifying. The ride to get the CAT scan was terrifying. All the lights and colors and people not talking to me, but about me. I couldn’t focus. I can’t handle being man handled. I have no doubt that this team could care for me but they weren’t talking to me or asking me questions. I had never been to this hospital for this service before. My experiences with Legacy were very different. They tell me everything and listen to me; it helps me stay calm and be part of my experience. I know the medical professionals were doing their job at PeaceHealth St John but they were only treating my body, they were not considering my mental status and they were causing me trauma after trauma.

I was trying so hard not to cry. I knew no one would care if I cried and it would only stress my lungs out more. By the time I was admitted to ICU I was a mess and that was the worst experience ever. The nurse that led my experience of moving me from one bed to the other and ripping my clothes off, while refusing to listen to me at all, brought in a fan and wanted to know if we were best friends now. I couldn’t speak. I was terrified of her. Even as she put oxygen on me, which I knew I didn’t need, I kept it on because I was afraid of her.

The next morning they brought in an ultrasound machine to look at my legs and found more blood clots in my left leg. The technician came back the next day to have a look at my heart. He could see my heart was still stressed out on the right side. That ultra sound was super uncomfortable. The skin under my breast is very soft and it got all torn up. It is still healing and very painful. He was a very nice man and that wasn’t his goal but it was another blow to my experiences…

I did have one nurse that I really loved in ICU and she was the main nurse I worked with. She helped me a lot and I really appreciated her.

Every doctor said the same thing…that my blood pressure was good and that they could find no reason for the blood clots other than a reaction to the hormone therapy I am going through to treat my endometrial cancer…that will be another adventure…all of them seemed surprised that even though I was stuck in bed I was doing exercises every day. What else was I supposed to do? I was bored and I have arthritis? Movement is the only thing that works for me. Even if I can only do the easy ones…(My oncologist did take me off the Megestrol and said we talk more on my pre-op appointment later this month).

I spent 2 days in ICU and then I was moved to a regular room. I was still confined to a bed. The doctors wanted me to have a certain amount of days with blood thinners in me before I started moving around. Just like in the ICU they insisted I try to use a bed pan. I told them my body does what she wants, but go ahead and try…and just like in the ICU I sat on that thing until I lost feeling in my rear end, with no luck. Unlike in ICU, they didn’t put a catheter in (Thank God!) but they did bring in an ultrasound to see how much fluid was in my bladder. It was fine until morning and by that time the doctor felt I could get up and walk to the toilet. Was I glad to hear that!

By Thursday I was so done. My anxiety levels were off the chart, regardless of the extra meds the doctors prescribed and my blood pressure was starting to rise to showcase that. I was starting to have bouts of deep depression that I couldn’t shake and fleeting thoughts of suicide. My blood sugars are normally right around 100-120 but they were high every time they checked and I was losing patience with anyone touching me. I actually told off a few of the people who were there to help me. I just don’t like being touched and I needed to go home. I was so happy on Friday morning when I was told the doctors finally were setting me free!

Overall most of my nurses and CNAs were amazing during my stay at the hospital. They were helpful and compassionate, for the most part, but I don’t understand some of the philosophy differences and I am frustrated that the medical profession still does not assess the whole person. I have decided that I wont be going to PeaceHealth St John for my hospital needs anymore.

I am still winded very easily but I guess my body still has not broken down the blood clots. My body doesn’t feel like my own. I am having trouble getting back into my routine. I suppose this is normal. I am still learning what to do with this condition…but I am here now…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: Out of Darkness by Ashley Hope Perez

by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 30, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

Out of Darkness by Ashley Hope Perez starts out with an unlikely love story between a black boy and a Mexican girl but the theme of this story is loss. Loss after loss, piled on top of loss and then more loss. It shows us racism toward black people and Mexicans in a small town built only to dig for oil. The main family in the story is headed by a white man that has only known loss and can’t seem to grow beyond that lesson no matter how hard the local pastor tries to lead him.

This unlikely love story is daring, beautiful and cruel. It takes place around a real event: The New London School explosion on Thursday March 18, 1937 at 3:16 pm in New London, Texas; an all white school…except for the 3 Mexican children, Naomi, Beto and Cari, brought there by Henry Smith, Beto and Cari’s father and Naomi’s step-father.

It is well known that a local black boy, Wash, is seen regularly helping around that school to maintain the grounds. He was also there the day of the explosion. He pulled many bodies from the rubble. He was the perfect one to blame for the many losses to this community.

“Remember, son, when it comes to whites, ‘yesser, yessum’ is the only answer you know,” Chapter 6

Of course when the white people in town have suffered the loss of so many children they need someone to blame so they look to Wash, instead of facing the fact that it is just a terrible accident. No matter how hard they all try there is no setting anything right again.

I found this book in the Banned Books section at the Longview Public Library. There are a lot of tender subjects in this book and I can see why someone might not want to look so blatantly at racism, child abuse, alcoholism and other human conditions. I think Perez did a good job describing her characters and their situations. Honestly I have little personal knowledge of prejudice towards Mexican people but I was not shocked that it is very similar to how black people and Native Americans have been and are treated. I felt a lot while I read about characters that I fell in love with. I might not want to just hand this book to my teenager without a conversation, but I think it is worth reading. I think it will help compassion to grow in any reader.

You can get your own copy of Out of Darkness by Ashley Hope Perez on Amazon.com.

Read my Review on Goodreads:

Out of Darkness by Ashley Hope Pérez
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I could not put this book down. It had a compelling story, wonderful characters and a perfect pace that kept me engaged.

View all my reviews

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass An American Slave and Other Writings by Frederick Douglass

by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 29, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

I have always wanted to read Frederick Douglass’ work but I was always put off by the look of his face. He looked like a hard man so I waited. And then I was at the library with my wife, Karen G Clemenson, and she chose Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass An American Slave and Other Writings by Frederick Douglass to come home with us and it became an option in my hand. I found that although his topic was hard, he was not. He was a pleasure to read and there was a softness, I felt to the voice I read, that might be my imagination or maybe something that was inherent to the time in which he lived, when people were mindful of their audience or possible audience.

There is nothing soft about slavery and in fact Douglass was offended in every way by it. Down to his very soul, he felt it stole the best of a man to be a slave or to be a slave holder. However this was the cultural norm and even bled over to the probable reason that the book was opened by writings by William Lloyd Garrison and Wendell Phillips, Esq., two white men, abolitionists, but white men, nonetheless.

Douglass was born in 1835 in Tuckahoe, Maryland. His father was his master and this was no secret. He had few memories of his mother as he was raised by his grandmother. It was customary to remove children from their mother by 12 month old and then give them to an old woman that could no longer work in the fields to raise them. This was the situation for Douglass as well, and although his mother would steal away to sing him to sleep at night, she was always gone, far before morning, to get back to her quarters and work, she took sick and died when he was very young.

Facts that Douglass shared about slavery:

Brutal whippings were common.
Masters often fathered children that had to be sold or abused by the Missus.
Slaves had to view their master as good or “the best” or face the possibility of being sold to the worse master.
It was illegal to teach slaves to read because it was known if they could read they would not be manageable.
Slaves were forced to breed.
Slaves on plantations regularly were underfed, poorly dressed and given no beds and few to no blankets, yet they would be punished for taking an apple off a tree.
Monthly rations were given to slaves. Hungry slaves that wanted more and applied for them that could not eat them in the time the master said it should be eaten would be punished.
Christmas to New Years Day were holidays and only animals were needed to be cared for. Masters expected slaves to use this time for drinking, dancing, playing and being silly. Masters felt that only a lazy slave would not have collected enough whiskey to stay drunk for 6 days. Slaves that would use their time to hunt, make brooms, mats, baskets or horse collars didn’t deserve days off. This fraud and inhumanity of slavery is one of many things that angered Douglass.
City slaves were often treated better because people lived closer and nobody wanted to hear their neighbor’s slaves being whipped or see them starving and hear about it from others.
Killing a slave held no consequences.

Douglass felt the songs slaves would sing were a testament to the soul-killing effect of slavery:

When Douglass was about 7 or 8-years-old he was sent to Baltimore to live with a relative of his old master. The lady of the house had never had slaves and she was very kind. It would be Douglass’ job to care for the family’s little boy, Thomas. This is where Douglass began to learn to read, as she taught him while she was teaching Thomas, until her husband found out and put a stop to it. Yet he had learned enough that he was able to learn more through asking questions of the neighbor boys and eventually taught himself to write by tracing letters on signs. As he progressed he read anything he could get his hands on. He believed in always building his mind for his own betterment.

In 1833 Douglass was sent work for Edward Covey — a farm renter. He was known for breaking young slaves. He was there for a year. After 6 months of abuse and suicidal thoughts Douglass challenged Covey. He had become sick and instead of allowing him a break he beat him so Douglass returned to his master, who told him to go back. Without another option, Douglass returned but he would not let Covey to tie him down to beat him. Douglass fought him for 2 hours. For the rest of his stay he was not beaten. Douglass was a slave for 4 more years but he refused to be beaten. He had several fights but he was never beaten again.

September 1838 Douglass ran away from slavery and succeeded in reaching New York.

August 11, 1841 Douglass gave his first speech about slavery before abolitionists.

When asked about Christianity, Douglass had a very clear belief:

his book was not as gruesome as some of the books I have read on slavery. Douglass, himself, said that his account was only his own and he admitted that he did know that the farther south one went, the worse the experiences were and some masters were more evil than others. But what I can say, is that his account was felt more in my spirit. Douglass was very talented in making me feel tired in my spirit with this topic, possibly only a percentage of the amount as it must have made him feel exhausted to even think of it years after he was free. I also feel that his writings are still very relevant today, depending on how you view them. Maybe not slavery, perhaps, but there are groups of people that are marginalized and not cared for by our society, by people that call themselves Christians, that still don’t understand the gospel properly and leave the government to handle the job Christ left for us to handle.

I highly recommend this book and hope that the spirit in which Douglass meant for it to be experienced is appreciated by all who read it.

I checked my book out at The Longview Public Library. Buy your own copy of Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass An American Slave and Other Writings by Frederick Douglass on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass by Frederick Douglass
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Honest, gritty and well-written. The account and view of slavery is still relevant to our study of history today.

View all my reviews

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

The OTHER Side of Suicide

by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 28, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

I am reading a book called Madness A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher right now. This book is her story about her life with Bipolar I Disorder and what she went through. I am about half way through the book and although I don’t have Bipolar Disorder I can relate to some of what she has gone through and I am thankful that I have moved beyond some of the worst parts. When I say the OTHER side of suicide, I am not talking about the side where it isn’t a concern anymore but the side where you are so depressed that you can hardly move and you just beg God to let you die.

I have never been institutionalized but I probably should have been. By the grace of God and a couple of friends that understood that I had been rejected enough in life, that that is how I would have taken them calling the hospital and it would have broken me more, I was able to fight my way back. Not everyone can say that. Not everyone can do that. I am a very blessed woman and I know that and believe it with all my heart.

If you don’t know this kind of pain, I am so grateful to God. No one should hurt like this. Some people have it done to them and some people have it inside of them. I had a little of both but not to the extremes of the woman in this book. Hornbacher’s seems to be all internal and what the fight she had, every day. I empathize with her and am so proud of the fight she put up, even though it looks like failure, I don’t see it that way. She was doing what she knew, until she knew better.

This is what people do. We do what we know until we know better. This is why I am so diligent to keep my head as clear as I can. Why I am very protective of my schedule, my habits, my boundaries and my family. I have three pill sorters I take pills from every day on timers. I am a little rebellious but never an hour or 2 beyond the alarm that reminds me to take my pills, that I have promised to take every day, because Karen does not deserve the wrath that she gets if I don’t take them. I haven’t had an alcoholic beverage since before COVID…I think it was on a birthday and when I do have one it will be one, and with food, and definitely after my body is clear of cancer. I have recently allowed myself 1 cup of Lady Gray tea this week with breakfast. That is my allotment of caffeine. I now drink decaf Americanos with extra cream at Red Leaf and even that is 1-2 per week. I drink lots of water or herb tea. I exercise. I see my therapist and psychiatrist as scheduled. I listen to music all day. I read a lot, books and online for news. The TV only comes on after 7 pm, when my wife, Karen G Clemenson thinks I can handle it and then we watch shows that don’t stress me out (definitely not the news). I go to bed between 11-12:30 every night.

I am boring because being on schedule helps me keep my balance. When I am off balance I become anxious, fearful, and easily set off and nobody likes that Summer, especially me. My diagnoses are PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, OCD and Depression. I have blue days and I have days where I need things just so (I think Karen really hates those day, they bug me too). I have trouble with yelling voices, people that remind me of certain people and small spaces, wet fabric, bugs, phones and conflict. I am terrified of earthquakes, Donald Trump (although I can finally say his name without hyperventilating) and small-minded people although I know I have a tendency to be one and if you give me a minute I will remember that and will come back to listen to you after I have shut you off because I hate that about myself and I don’t want to leave you feeling unheard.

Being on the OTHER side of suicide is complete emptiness. You aren’t hungry. You aren’t thirsty. You don’t want to sleep but you do to kill time and hope you wake up feeling better or maybe not at all. You don’t want anything except for God to bring you home. You hurt so bad that you are numb and you just want it to end and you see no end in sight. There is nothing anyone can do to fix it. No one needs to worry about hiding any weapons, you have no energy to cause yourself any harm. It lasts as long as it lasts until one day you decide to take a shower…

I can’t forget Karen’s eyes during an episode, about 6 years ago. I don’t really remember what she was saying to me but I remember her eyes. Her eyes were saying: Don’t leave me. I think her mouth was saying, “You can’t let them do this anymore.” It was before I had begun to agree with the therapists that I should separate from my parents. Any interaction with them, lost 2 weeks for me. I could barely get out of bed to wash my face. My personal hygiene is paramount to me so if I miss even a day, you know it is bad. Nothing could rouse me, no music, no favorite food, no visitor, nothing. I would just stare at a wall, being tormented by their words, over and over again. I could never understand why they didn’t ever care about how their words and actions hurt me. I could never fathom that they didn’t understand that I was their victim. I was always left last.

Now I know they have their own hurts and troubles. But I am responsible for me. It is not their fault that when I see them, I am reminded of a Summer that no longer exists, except for with them and she is not the best of me. She is broken, hurting and doesn’t know how to take care of herself. They have never seen the best of me. I have probably never seen the best of them either. This makes me sad because I know we are all amazing people, if we could get past our hurts.

I like being on the side of suicide that I reside on now. Suicide isn’t an issue for me most of the time and when it whispers through my mind I can talk to God, maybe mention it to Karen or my sister, Jamie Holloway and it goes away. But that is because I have chosen to live a wellness lifestyle and that includes being mindful and not afraid of my mental illness, which is chronic and will need to be cared for for the rest of my life. It isn’t like a cold. It is like fibromyalgia. It will always be here too. Sometimes it wont bother me much and other times it will flare up and sometimes it will flare bigger. Meaning I will have to be more mindful and let myself rest more to regain my balance.

Is there loss? Yes, sort of. The sense of normalcy I want is gone because I had to embrace my actual normalcy. My actual normalcy is that I live in a body that hurts and a mind that gets overwhelmed if I am not careful with her. She needs me to be diligent with how I feed her and water her, move her, how I stimulate her and grow her. She is a chronic body and mind and I am in charge of her and if I fail her, I will pay the price so I must embrace wellness with a smile and not worry about things I can’t change and work on what I can change which are only in the realm of my reach.

It is good to be reminded of how far I have come. Reading Madness A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher is a good reminder. I don’t miss the manic moments and especially the moments on the OTHER side of suicide. I hope I am never get there again. But I understand people struggling and I think that is why I find people living with mental illness to be amazingly strong people. They have a burden only they can see and they are doing the best they can with something that is hard to describe and even harder to diagnose and properly treat. I think as we become more educated, we need to stop casually using some words. Like, Karen, when she feels overtaxed tells me she is crazy. I told her last night, that is untrue and she should probably stop saying that, when in fact she is overwhelmed and needs a nap. As a community, we should be more compassionate of people who have a battle that wont be fixed by a nap but also don’t want to be called crazy, they just need to find the person that can help them diagnose the real problem in their mind so they can begin the healing process.

What do you think?

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 27, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

For years I have been hearing about The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. I first heard about the movie and, in reality, it sounded so much like a similar movie, that I sometimes enjoy to watch with Keanu Reaves and Sandra Bullock, that I decided I didn’t need to bother watching the movie version of The Time Traveler’s Wife. But I was reading The Reading List and although it wasn’t on the actual reading list, one of the main characters was reading the book and it so I added it to my To Read list…and then I started seeing the name of the book everywhere. When my wife, Karen G Clemenson, and I were at the library, the Saturday before last, it literally was on the wall, right at my eye level and I took at as a sign that I should read this book.

The main characters are Henry and Clare who meet when Henry is 36 and Clare is 6 years old. They are in the meadow on the property of her parent’s home in Indiana. Henry is naked and hungry. When he announces himself, she is scared and throws her shoes at him. Bleeding, he asks to borrow the beach towel she has with her and promises not to hurt her. He tells her he has lost his clothes and that he is a time traveler. After a few rounds of conversation they end up sharing the Hershey’s bar in her pocket.

Henry was born with a Chrono-Displacement Disorder diagnosed by a molecular geneticist by the name of Dr. David Kendrick, when he is an adult, yet his parents have taken him to doctors many times throughout his childhood. Henry’s mom passed when he was 6-years-old. She was decapitated in a car accident. This was the 2nd time Henry time traveled. It was Christmas Eve. Henry’s father was a violinist. He was also an alcoholic. He was miserable after his wife died. At 57, his nerves are shot and he can no longer perform. The neighbor Mrs. Kim, known as Kimy was Henry’s main nurturer. Throughout most of the book this is the meat of what we learn about Henry’s past to help us understand the troubled parts of his personality.

Most of the story takes place in Chicago where Henry was born and raised.

Throughout Clare’s life, Henry pops in at different ages. From the moment they met there is a strong connection. Henry is careful to never give Clare information about the future or even of himself. Instead they work on her school work, visit and keep things platonic.

When they are finally in present day together; Clare is 22 and Henry is 30, they are married and the story goes on. Henry continues to time travel. He has no control over when he will leave or how long he will be gone, or what will happen to him while he is gone. This is strain on their marriage. I have to say the time traveling thing was a handicap for me. I just couldn’t believe it and it made it hard for me to believe the story. I am a very literal person. But what I did believe, and this is a testament to Niffenegger, is the relationship. Henry and Clare were real to me. They were friends. They were lovers. They wanted the best for each other. They left room for growth. They left room for failure and forgiveness. They were the best versions of themselves they could be for each other. I could relate to them, if not for the make-believe genetic illness Henry and their eventual child had.

This was not my favorite book. I gave it 3 stars because the topic was too sci-fi for me but the writing was wonderful and the characters were well-rounded and very human. I was very disappointed with the end. The author most definitely made sure that Clare being more happy with a few minutes of wonderful rather than a lifetime of nothing special was her way until the end. Henry had so little joy in his life and so much gut wrenching horror, at least he had Clare, while he did.

I checked my copy out at The Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger on Amazon.com.

Read my Review on Goodreads:

The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I wasn’t sold on the time traveling DNA…but I loved Henry and Clare’s relationship. Great character development.

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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

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