Where We Are Now

by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 19, 2023 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

I have always noticed patterns to help me know where we are now. I look for them often, I think because I don’t always trust what people tell me or I might not trust what I am experiencing. When I was about 14 years old, I recognized that there was a pattern in my family that all the first born daughters were divorced or had marriage difficulties at least back to my great-great grandmother. Because I was the first born daughter, I didn’t think I would marry. My parent’s divorce was brutal and the relationship between my parents, including my step-mother, was very unfortunate. Being the go-between was very painful and stressful. Every important day and holiday was ruined by their behaviors, even after we were adults. I wish they could have just followed the parenting plan; I don’t even think they knew what the parenting plan said.

I did get married, but I was much older. I had gone through a lot of therapy and I married my best friend of 10 years. She had shown me a type of love I had never experienced before. Yes, marriage is hard sometimes and Karen and I have gone through a lot together. I think many couples would not have been able to go through what we have gone through and been able to continue, but we knew we were both broken in some ways before we married, and we knew I was chronically ill too, so it wasn’t a surprise that had to be adjusted to later in life. Our histories are very similar and we work very hard to forgive each other’s brokenness. We are lucky because we truly know God is the head of our household. I don’t make promises because too many have been made to me only to be broken so I wasn’t willing to make any of the traditional wedding vows. My main statement to my wife was that I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life and when I didn’t love her or want to anymore, I would talk to God about it first. I have broken that one time and had to repent. But God is gracious and He has helped me come back to love. I am sure glad we were such good friends before we were married because sometimes we have to coast there for a bit but God always brings us back to love. It helps that we are both willing to be coached.

Another pattern I saw in my family is that there is always a golden child in every generation, as well as a scapegoat. There is also a black sheep, but not in every generation. The golden child is not usually the oldest child, but they could be. They are the strongest one. The scapegoat is the most sensitive one. The black sheep can’t fit in at all. They just don’t like to live like the rest of the family. The rules are too much for them for any number of reasons. The rest of the family can always shine and look good at everything they do but the black sheep just doesn’t know how to measure up. To be able to remain in the family there is a pecking order and emotional abuse, enough to keep everyone in line. The scapegoat will never really measure up but they will have enough success as long as they remember to follow the rules and never talk about their abuse. The golden child will lie to protect everyone else and make the scapegoat feel like a fool if they try to express their feelings about their abuse. The golden child will also use their position to hurt the scapegoat when necessary to remind them of their position. The black sheep will rarely come around. They know they aren’t welcome.

When I was a young adult I had a great-aunt. I had always known of her and yet I didn’t remember her because she didn’t come around. There wasn’t a lot said about her. But the feelings in the room when she was being referred to her were cold. I know she had some unhealthy habits and she had had a hard life. I know she had made some bad mistakes. I knew she had had to start over a lot. When she finally came for a visit and I got to meet her I thought she was great. She wasn’t polished like the rest of the family. She smoked a lot. But she was spunky and full of life. She was an authentic people person and I thought she was very brave. She didn’t need to have success to keep trying. I don’t know what she did to become the black sheep. I truly don’t know the whole story but, I believe we rarely know anyone’s whole story. I did know that I became afraid that I was going to be the next black sheep after I met her.

I haven’t written in a few weeks. I don’t write anymore when I am very upset. I used to write when I was hurting, but over the years I have made the rule to never write when I am angry. My words should never be out of vengeance anymore. I have to admit that I have written in anger and spite before, but I don’t do that now. My words are meant to help people, including me, understand what I have learned while I try to understand my life. I was contacted by a niece who told me that I lost my right to refer to her as my niece when I left the family and that she would seek legal action against me if I wrote about her again. There were other things she said that were very hurtful but I wasn’t angry with her. I have to admit, I don’t know how to refer to her, but I wont be using her name anymore.

When I was talking to my sister, Jamie Holloway, about it she asked me why I wasn’t angry with her and I said, her words were verbatim copies of those a sibling has used toward me several times. A sibling she spends a lot of time with. My niece is only saying what she had been taught to say. My niece doesn’t know anything other than what she has been taught because I have never been specific about my abuse and I never will be. As I told my niece, if I were to write down the specific abuses that plague me when my sibling triggers me, it would be in a notebook that no one would see, instead my wife, Karen G Clemenson, is the only one I have told about some of the really bad stuff. I am vague on purpose because I don’t think my parents intended to do what they did and allowed to happen to me.

I left after years of trying to convey to my parents that I needed change from them and my siblings, one in particular. This sibling was given free reign to abuse me. I was literally told I could never defend myself against my younger siblings because I was bigger than them, growing up. Yet, when I complained of abuse, there were no consequences. Of course, this sibling, the golden child, would think it was acceptable to abuse me. When I was tired of it and asked for protection. It was not there for me so I left. At first it was a break, but as this sibling would find people to provoke me and found ways to infiltrate every part of the family, I was no longer needed. I had always felt unwanted, since my parent’s divorce, so it was better that I just stayed away. It was a boundary I had to make. My parents could not respect my need for protection and anonymity so I had to make my own life without them.

Reading my niece’s message, that she felt that she could sue me for my writing did feel like a slap in the face but I didn’t feel like it was coming from her. I know it can’t. She is by herself, with no spouse or children to protect. She can’t sue me. I have never said anything bad about her. Why would I? I still see her as one of my greatest blessings.

One of my favorite stories about this person, when they were a child, happened when they were about 6 years old. We were living together at the time. I always wore skirts over pants. I still do. At first it was that I liked the more European look, especially with my Birkenstocks, but I had also grown to appreciate that pants are more comfortable and easy to work with than tights or pantyhose, but also if you get your skirt tucked up in your waistband, which happens, or the waistband gives out on you, you are not naked (both situations have happened to me). Anyway on this particular morning I was heading out to my car with my arms full and I heard a ruckus at the front door and a high pitched, “Auntie Summer stop!” That red-haired girl had so much energy and passion and her movements always reminded me of her great-grandmother, my Nana. She was all elbows. She ran straight at me and somehow managed to turn me around so she could fix the back of my skirt. I am sure I was more thankful for the opportunity for another hug than my skirt being fixed but I was also thankful for her “protecting me.” Of course, I can’t be angry with my niece. she had always been a protector and now she is trying to protect someone else. I understand.

If I could have one conversation with my niece, I would tell her that I am very proud of her. She has let me watch a small part of her life on Facebook. I know she has worked hard and followed her heart to travel and see the world. She has made decisions for herself. She is young and still learning. I am very proud of her. I know that being able to watch anything is over now but I am glad I had a small window for a time.

When I told my therapist about this situation, he agreed that my family cannot sue me. I have the right to write about my life. I have been vague and left out names on purpose. If anyone is offended by my writing, they shouldn’t read it. By seeking legal recourse they will only draw attention to themselves, thus telling on themselves, which I haven’t done.

I have several large bumps on my head, that are very painful, that I need to have removed. While going through my diagnosis list online today for e-check in for my consultation, I saw a diagnosis that I have ignored a few times. Not all of my doctors have it on my chart. It is kind of new. I already know about PTSD, Panic Disorder, OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder but now someone has added Major Depressive Disorder to my mental illnesses. I have ignored it because I didn’t want to think about another diagnosis, but when I read about it I know it is real and it fits. There are times I have trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things. I can spend countless minutes staring at the diffuser as the colors change and the mist floats through in the air. Loss of interest of anything I enjoy doing, even eating and self care wains for me at times. Memories of abuse and stressful times can keep me awake most of the night. Keeping myself isolated is normal too. This can happen because life has thrown a stressor at me. It can also happen because my sibling has found someone to try to reach me. They have done this twice in the last few months. Life can be stressful, so normal stress might come with a day or two of being “blue” but when I feel attacked it is more than a day or two and it is more than just being “blue.”

The words, “you are in your late 40’s and are still complaining about things that happened when you were a kid,” are not uncommon to me. I have thought them to myself throughout my life, even before I was in my late 40’s. I didn’t understand that these memories might not go away and in fact would torment me sometimes. For someone that doesn’t have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or is willing to deal with theirs, it might be easy to not have compassion, especially when secret keeping was my superpower. But when I got sick in 2014 and was hospitalized for 8 days, something in me broke. Something that had allowed me to play all the games and stay the scapegoat. I knew at some point I would not be able to come back to the old Summer, but would have to be the authentic Summer, and here I am. I am not trying to hurt anyone but I have to be honest with myself.

My therapist agrees, I can’t do anything to protect myself. I can’t prove that my sibling is hurting me. But I wont be silenced. I am building my own life. I told my niece that most of what I write about has nothing to do with my extended family anymore because they are no longer part of my life. I write about my life because there are people that read about it and are inspired. This article is for you. Don’t let anyone silence you. You may have had to keep secrets, when you were younger, to get through the hard times, but you don’t have to be quiet anymore. Its ok to get to know your truth and be proud of where we are now.

Be blessed.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.

If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Some Things Are Pretty Great!

by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 4, 2023 | About Summer, Life, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

Some things are pretty great! Being an auntie was the best part of my young life. The memories I have with Jordan, Allie, Jessa, Casey, Kayla and Braden are some of my all time best! I was never more happy than when I was with them. I have always loved children. But never like I had learned to love these children. They were the best of their parents and with them I suddenly understood more about myself because things I thought were weird in me, were in them, and they were perfect.

Braden once told me that he was not perfect, after I had told him he was the perfect Braden. I laughed and told him that is what I meant when I told him, he was the perfect Braden. I knew he wasn’t perfect, but he was the perfect Braden and I loved him for who he was, imperfections and all. I had factored those in.

I wasn’t ready to be an aunt when Jordan was born. I was only 17-years-old, but around the time Jessa and Casey were born I was about 25 and I was ready to drop everything for an afternoon for whatever they wanted. I was ready for clearance shopping all year round so that by the time birthdays and Christmas came, I had piles of great presents for everyone. I was ready to tell my mother that I loved Jordan and Jessa just as much as Casey and she would have to accept that. They weren’t steps to me.

I got to be myself with these children. Sometimes I even slipped in front of everyone else. They were confused for a moment because I was joyful and laughing. I spoke differently to the kids than I had ever been spoken to. I got where I didn’t yell unless they were so loud I couldn’t be heard and I used phrases like, “Did you feel loved when he did that to you?” I talked about Jesus, my best friend and was there when most of them asked Jesus into their hearts. I was glad to buy them all their first bibles, engraved with their names on them. One time, when they had all earned swats I talked about grace and how none of us deserve it, and since I didn’t make sure everyone got a nap and snacks when they needed it, I was wrong too so they were forgiven because that is what grace is. I wanted to be different.

When the other child answered that they didn’t feel loved, it gave the first child the option to make amends, and they always did. Casey, Kayla and Braden, and sometimes Allie were together so often that they were very close. They really did love each other and loved to play together but they sometimes got on each other’s nerves, but they didn’t want to make the other one to feel unloved.

I knew to ask that question because I often felt unloved growing up. I don’t think it was on purpose, but it still happened. If Jesus hadn’t introduced Himself to me under that apple trees in my backyard when I was 5-years-old my life would have looked very different. He gave me a foundation for all the times when I would be left alone or not validated, neglected or abused verbally. When my siblings would be allowed to abuse and mistreat me. When I had no one, I had God, even when I forgot, He always reminded me. For that I am so grateful.

My 30 year high school reunion is about to happen. I don’t feel the need to go. I went to the 10 year reunion, back when I was still in relationship with a few people I went to school with but in reality, I hardly remember anyone I went to school with and I am no longer friends with anyone but my sister, Jamie Holloway, from high school. School was my break from home. I don’t remember bullies. There probably were some but I was used to being called names at home. I was always a fat kid. When I graduated, I weighed 350 lbs. But I know now that my brain disassociates pain very easily so there are a lot of things I don’t remember.

I do remember standing up for Jamie. Boys can be mean to girls with big breasts. Which is stupid since no girl that I ever knew wanted to have big breasts. Kids can also be mean to girls in double casts trying to get into one of the only two doors into the school with a ramp. I remember telling off some football players, one day, and then making sure I got to school as soon as I could, every day, to make sure I could help her get through those doors and up that ramp. Jamie didn’t deserve some of the crap she got in high school. There were several times I defended her. It is no wonder that she has no desire to attempt to go to our reunion. I joked with my wife, Karen G Clemenson, that since Jamie was my prom date, I can’t go without her, but really, I am afraid that seeing certain people might wake up things I don’t want to remember.

This weekend I went to Allie’s 2nd baby shower. It was a beautiful event and the room was filled with family and love. It was a hot day and the building was not air-conditioned but it wasn’t too bad if you weren’t too active. As people began to leave, I was able to have a moment with my niece. She was feeling self-conscious because her nose was bright red and sweating (just like her dad, who has passed away) so I checked her ears. Then I reminded her that her dad’s ears turned bright red when he was tired and only one of her’s turned red and I could see she had a red ear, both her and her brother, Casey, were that way. She smiled. Her faced darkened and she reminded me that her sister, Kayla, didn’t come and her aunt, her father’s sister, lives just down the street and she didn’t come either. I hugged her and I know the words that came out of my mouth were not just mine, but the Holy Spirit: It’s hard to do, but we have to put the past behind us, and today is pretty great!

I got another smile and a nod.

God has been working with me to put the past behind me. Dwelling on the pain has not helped me to move forward. Waiting for changed behavior or validation is probably a waste of time, especially when those who have hurt me don’t think they are wrong.

The division in my extended family had to come. I have forgiven them. But there is no trust. There is no foundation to build it on. As someone who has stood up for others I loved, that were bullied, it took me many years to realize that I was bullied. It took my anger at how my extended family dumped Allie to understand that they did all the same things to me and much more and I needed to stop going back to the circus. I was not made to be a performer. My strength lies in my authenticity.

Their personal traumas are real but they are not my responsibility. They have the same opportunity to seek therapy and whatever it takes to heal for their peace of mind. That is what it would take for me to come back because I don’t give my time to people that don’t talk about issues and try to make them better, who aren’t considerate of someone who is hurting and who can only think of themselves and what will make them feel happy, especially if that is something that hurts someone else. I am not a scapegoat or a whipping boy anymore. I will not be rejected or ignored anymore. I am important and worthy because God said so.

Because I am no longer alienated but I am reconciled and blameless, and I am learning to be patient…today is pretty great!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Thank You God!

by Summer D Clemenson | Aug 24, 2023 | About Summer, Life, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

Sometimes I have to stop and say: Thank You God

There are times that there is just no other answer I can come up with that explains some of the blessings that come in my life. I have had a lot of loss and I do have a lot of things I have to contend with every day but I know that I am never alone. Even when I forget that, I am reminded by Him that I am not. He is always faithful, even when I am tired and forget to be.

I was surprised to find this in my reading on Tuesday. I have been chewing on this because it makes so much sense, yet I was so surprised that it was part of the relationship with God. We are expecting life to get better and easier as we walk with Christ, and in many ways it is so much easier but in many ways it is also so much harder as well. I find myself thankful that He protects me from what I don’t need to know. I am grateful for His wisdom and that I can trust that He knows what I can handle.

God hasn’t chosen to let us have our apartment yet, and I don’t understand that, but I do know that He knows what He is doing in, and, through us. He has allowed some barriers, yet, He is leading us to be fruitful and generous in the other ways and I have to trust Him.

One thing I want to praise Him for is that I budget my part of the expenses almost to the dollar and for the past several months there seems to be anywhere from $15 to $25 left over in my checking account. I have been tucking away those few dollars into savings accounts. This month there was an overage of $60, exactly what I need to get Xavier’s shots next month. I have no answer but God. I check my list of expenses and see they all were paid and I get the same amount of money each month. But I know that God loves Xavier too and He knows that Xavier’s care is important to me.

Those little transfers may eventually add up to the first and last month’s rent and a truck rental to move without the help we have been trying to apply for. Sorrow is not so hard when you are resting in the arms of your Savior.

After I called the vet to make Xavier’s appointment for his shots in September and his exam in January, I texted my wife, Karen G Clemenson, to let her know I had the money for his appointments in a savings account so she didn’t have to worry about that bill when she the event pop up on her phone. She was thankful. I told her about my checking account overages and all she could say is: God is good all the time!

It is good to stop and say: Thank You God!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

There Were A Lot of Decisions That Got Me Here

by Summer D Clemenson | Aug 14, 2023 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

I know I don’t have to explain myself to anyone but I often feel the need to describe myself to me. I am not trying to compete with anyone, I really want us all to win at being the best individual we can be and I know that includes our own paths and purposes. What works for me might not work for you but maybe my efforts might inspire you, and since I believe I was put here to be an encourager, I often share my experiences here. There were a lot of decisions that got me here.

The situation that I was talking about in I Don’t Know Everything has bothered me a lot more than I expected. I have spent many more hours being tormented in my mind by the conversation and why it happened and why it concerned me so much. I do have OCD and so obsessive thoughts are part of my world but it took me a few days to understand that this person was part of pattern for me that I am trying to learn and stop.

I have a pattern that I tend to carry relationships. I am the one to initiate contact, make the first call, encourage get togethers, sometimes I even buy things they need, pay for meals and our outings. I am drawn to people that need me. Part of that is that I know what it feels like to need but I also am used to taking care of people that can take care of themselves because that is a dynamic I was raised with. I am aware of this and so in the last year or so, I have stopped contacting people who never contact me first. It isn’t malicious. I still love them and pray for them, but I want a more equality in my relationship. If all they can do is send me a message, that is what I want them to do for me.

When you are chronically ill there is a lot to overcome to create your wellness plan, especially if you have had a lot of unhealthiness in the past. Because I have both mental illness and learned bad habits to overcome, as well as physical illness, I have had to make a lot decisions and fight a lot of demons. I understand that everyone has them. Mine are my own and might look very different from yours. I have learned to create several rules for my day, many you might not see as important to your life and this is what you need to decide.

The fact that my day includes exercise, lots of water, 3 sets of medications, lots of reading, regulated chores because, I only have so many spoons, and little habits that keep me grounded, as my wellness plan, might not be what you need. I fight with food because that is a learned habit that sometimes still kicks my butt in either direction. I probably have specialists that you might not need, or maybe you do and you don’t know it. I have a Primary doctor, a Neurologist, Rheumatologist, Gynecological oncologist, Psychiatric RN, Therapist and I will be seeing a Dietician at the end of August and a Dermatologist in September. I probably need to see an Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist too but I can only afford to pay so many co-pays and right now I am tapped out.

Relationships are super important to me. I don’t take them lightly and I am not good at casual relationships. I have had to really coach myself to not be too much for new relationships because as I try to make relationships with healthier people, who are busy and have their own lives and don’t need my help, I have to remind myself, they are engrossed in their own responsibilities. Needy people tend to be able to respond to me faster because they have more free time. Also most people are not my sister, Jamie Holloway, who is just more thoughtful than most people. She always answers letters, cards, messages. She always shares what she has. I don’t see the things I do for her as carrying her, I see us sharing our lives with each other. I am not looking for another sister. But other friends are always nice.

I had already seen the end of the relationship coming mentioned in I Don’t Know Everything. They were not thoughtful. They didn’t realize how some of the things I shared with them, was me really trying to trust them and they didn’t appreciate it. They never initiated contact and they didn’t always acknowledge when I reached out to them. They made promises and didn’t keep them so I was slowly letting go. When I disagreed with their knowledge, it wasn’t me picking a fight or hating on them, and it wasn’t me trying to show off my big old brain, it was me sharing information I had learned about the topic. When I tried to tell them that, they got really abusive in a way that was not appropriate to the situation. After days of thinking about it I finally realized that this response was so much like abuse I used to live with and that was the real reason I was so upset. It was just too close to home. I wasn’t even that angry with them. I was just reminded of something that I haven’t had to deal with in a long time.

Wellness is essentially a lot of decisions. You can’t keep making the same decisions and expect to change. You have to overcome the old knowledge and as you are able, to make new choices about how you will live your life and what you will allow into your life. It isn’t just about exercise and diet. Abuse towards yourself and others effects our morale and mental health and causes a plethora of negative responses in our bodies. Especially if you have a chronic body, you have to reduce the stress in your life and that includes relationships that take too much from you. Stress can cause an emotional episode, or a flare of physical illness or both for me. I don’t want to have more pain, mentally or physically, I don’t like psoriasis breakouts in new spots, I hate being dizzy or twitching more than normal, I hate it when it my face flares up and drinking water is excruciating…those are just a few of the things that might happen if I have too much stress, and they are the more pleasant ones…There were a lot of decisions that got me here and I imagine there will be many more.

Learning to love myself has been the one of the greatest challenges I have ever begun. But I also think that loving myself properly helps me to love more people better and I think that has been a huge blessing too. I still pray for all the people behind me and I am happy to place them in God’s hands because I know He loves them and wants them to be well too.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I Don’t Know Everything

by Summer D Clemenson | Aug 12, 2023 | About Summer, Life, Opinions

I have read a lot of books and articles but I don’t know everything. I have read the bible a lot but there is still much to learn about God. I have been to therapy for many years of my life and I have learned a lot of tools but I am not a therapist and I don’t know everything about therapy. But I do know a lot about me, not everything, but more than most people. This was the part of me that I was trying to share with someone recently.

I have always loved to read. It has been an escape and a way to feel better as well as a way to feed this thing inside myself that wants to learn things. Even as a child I was teased by my friends and called a snob because I was always in a book. I often had to be reminded to put the book down to enjoy my human friends. The book was safe. I didn’t have to try to be with the book. People are sometimes harder. Because I have always read, I have a larger vocabulary and I think differently than a lot of people, I also tend to know tidbits of information that some people don’t know. Sometimes I don’t worry about things that other people worry about because I have spent time in books with people wiser than me and I know what is truly important and many of the things we put emphasis on in society are just fleeting moments.

There is a person that I tried to befriend because I know they need a friend that wants nothing from them. I have tried many times to connect with them but it always ends badly. I think they think I am judging them and sometimes I am, but not because I don’t like them. I know they were badly hurt as a child and young adult and they have a lot to deal with. I love that they are in therapy but they are resistant to medication and I have to say I was too when I was younger because the meds I was given in my 20’s were not the right ones and it made everything worse. Meds are scary because it is hard to find the right ones. Karen G Clemenson and I went through quite a trial until we found the right ones for me and I am so thankful she was with me, to go through that with me, so I didn’t have to do it alone; so I had someone who could verify that I was experiencing what I thought I was experiencing. It is so hard when your brain lies to you. But when you find the right medications it is amazing because trauma is brain damage and the right medication can help your brain heal faster. In the last 9 years I have been so thankful to find the right meds, the right therapists, been told the right books to read and I have researched what I was told to research because I wanted to be better, I wanted to not abuse my wife, I wanted to be a peace. I want that for this person, that I wanted so much to be able to call friend.

But as it turns out I believe I remind them of their abuser so in the end they abuse me to protect themselves. I can’t allow myself to be abused so for now I guess this person will have to be put on the shelf. Sometimes we find a book that looks like it will be a great read but we are not ready for the content and it takes years for us to read the whole book, maybe this person is like one of those books…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: Pollyanna by Eleanor H. Porter

by Summer D Clemenson | Aug 11, 2023 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

Pollyanna by Eleanor H. Porter was first published in Great Britain in 1927, although Porter is an American author. My first experience with this story was Disney’s movie production, starring Hayley Mills, produced in 1960, which in fact, I have worn out a VHS tape and am working on my 2nd DVD, I must say I can’t totally compare the two productions because Disney took many artistic freedoms.

In the book Pollyanna, leaves her home to travel to Beldingsville, where her Aunt Polly lives. Although Aunt Polly is well off, she does not own most of the town, as the movie production implies. All of the main characters are in tact, but Disney added quite a few, making the movie as much about the town, as about Pollyanna, where the book is much more about this special little girl that teaches a community to be glad so they can support her when she needs it.

I wont ruin the story for you because I want you to read it yourself. The ending is different in several ways, but I still teared up and was very glad in the end.

I got this book from The Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of Pollyanna by Eleanor H. Porter on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

POLLYANNA by Eleanor H. Porter
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I loved this book! I have seen the movie many times but it doesn’t compare. I love them both for the art that they are. Of course the book is better, as always.

View all my reviews

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

7 Books for August 2023

by Summer D Clemenson | Aug 9, 2023 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

Last month I began the task of reading 7 children’s books to review each month. I have ended up really enjoying wandering the children’s section at the library, randomly picking up books off the shelves, if I hadn’t already asked them to pull a few books off the shelves for me. If you are enjoying this as much as I am, feel free to suggest books for me. I would be glad to find your favorite books or books you aren’t sure you want to read and give my opinion. If you have any suggestions please Contact Me.

Moonlight Memories by Amanda Davis

Moonlight Memories by Amanda Davis
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

“Mama had been gone almost a month, leaving Piper feeling empty.” As this story begins the sad face on the page tells you as much as the first sentence. Death is a hard topic, especially for a child, but Moonlight Memories by Amanda Davis (published in 2023) offers a way through creativity that helps Piper to regain her memories of her mother and connect more with her grieving father.

As she gazes through the telescope her dad gave her, Piper sees much more than stars. She slowly covers her walls with drawings of memories she has with her mama that help her to heal. When she forgets one, she can look at them again and be reassured.

The illustrations by Michelle Jing Chan are engaging and beautiful.

I highly recommend this book for a child who has lost someone.

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I got this book from my sister, Jamie Holloway. You can get your own copy of Moonlight Memories by Amanda Davis on Amazon,

Grandad’s Camper by Harry Woodgate

Grandad’s Camper by Harry Woodgate
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Grandad’s Camper by Harry Woodgate is a sweet story that was published in 2021 about a little girl that loves to visit her 2 grandfathers in their house by the sea. She enjoys the bookshelves full of momentos from all their adventures, the great places for hide and seek and the wonderful garden full of fruits and vegetables. Most of all she loves to go through the photo album with Grandad and listen to the stories of his adventures with Gramps.

When they have looked at all the pictures she asks if he still has the camper van and if he still goes on adventures. “It’s not the same without Gramps — he made everything extra-special. Since Gramps died, I just don’t feel like it.”

…but then Grandad and his granddaughter clean up the camper van and decide to go on their own adventure because that is what Gramps wold have wanted .

Woodgate’s story is as beautiful as the illustrations.

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I got my copy from the Longview Public Library but you can get your own copy of Grandad’s Camper by Harry Woodgate on Amazon.

The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld

The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld, published in 2018, is a touching story about Taylor, a child dealing with their emotions about a loss. I love that the character is totally neutral. Pronouns are never used and the child is wearing hair and jammies that any child might wear so that any child can relate to this story. The loss was only a block wall being knocked down by accident, but this can seem so large to a small child.

Many animals show up to showcase all kinds of emotions and characteristics and none of them reach the child. The animal the finally is able to reach out to Taylor is a rabbit that does nothing but sit next to the child and listen when they are ready to express their feelings. What an important message. I really enjoyed this story.

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I got my copy from the Longview Public Library but you can get your own copy of The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld on Amazon.

Playing At the Border A Story of Yo-Yo Ma by Joanna Ho

Playing at the Border: A Story of Yo-Yo Ma by Joanna Ho
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

On April 13, 2019 Yo-Yo Ma played his cello while sitting next to the Rio Grand on the shore of the United States, while facing Mexico.

Yo-Yo Ma was a child prodigy who had wanted to play the double bass but he was too little at the age of 4-years-old so he began studying the cello.

Yo-Yo Ma was born in France to Chinese parents. He was raised in the United States. His cello was built in Italy. His bow was made from wood from a tree in Brazil, a horse’s tail in Mongolia and ebony from a forest in West Africa. The colors of his cello come from Indonesia and India. The song Yo-Yo Ma played over the Rio Grand was originally composed in Germany and then lost and found again in a second-hand store in Spain.

Yo-Yo Ma believes in bridging cultures through music. In this beautiful story, Playing at the Border: A Story of Yo-Yo Ma published in 2021 and written by Joanna Ho, you can feel how he loved to bring music to life. The illustrations by Teresa Martinez are beautiful and easy to imagine yourself in.

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I got my copy from the Longview Public Library but you can get your own copy of Playing At the Border A Story of Yo-Yo Ma by Joanna Ho on Amazon.

Can You Believe It? How to Spot Fake News and Find the Facts by Joyce Grant

Can You Believe It?: How to Spot Fake News and Find the Facts by Joyce Grant
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I don’t generally give a lot of thought to the books I pick out at the library for my children’s book reviews. I look for books that are colorful and are about at my eye level, most of the time. I don’t think I even read the entire name of Can You Believe it? How to Spot Fake News and Find the Facts, written by Joyce Grant and illustrated by Kathleen Marcotte. Published in 2022, with 55 pages, 6 chapters, an introduction and conclusion, I am not sure, if I had really looked at this book, that I would have brought it home.

I appreciate that children have to start learning about the world somewhere. I am not even sure what age this book is intended for, but probably at least 3rd grade. For me, I am exhausted by this topic. However the book gives great content, facts and examples. For a child that wants to learn how to be a journalist this might be a very good start.

However, if you are looking for a book to cuddle up to before bed, this is not the one.

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I got my copy from the Longview Public Library but you can get your own copy of Can You Believe It? How to Spot Fake News and Find the Facts by Joyce Grant on Amazon.

The Story of Babar The Little Elephant by Jean De Brunhoff

The Story of Babar by Jean de Brunhoff
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

The Story of Babar The Little Elephant by Jean De Brunhoff, was published in 1933 and must have been quite a hit among children. I know I loved it. Even though Babar loses his mother, his adventurous spirit leads him to the city and new human friends. Later he becomes king. What a sweet story that I believe can stand the test of time.

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I got my copy from the Longview Public Library but you can get your own copy of The Story of Babar The Little Elephant by Jean De Brunhoff on Amazon.

Indigenous People’s Day by Katrina M. Phillips

Indigenous Peoples’ Day (Traditions & Celebrations) (Traditions & Celebrations) by Katrina M. Phillips
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Indigenous People’s Day is the 2nd Monday in October and was began in 1992 to celebrate Native Americans. This is a day to honor indigenous people’s culture through language, art, music and traditions.

Indigenous people lived in the Americas long before European settlers were here and we want to honor them. It is good to be aware of what tribes live near us, whether they are in small towns, big cities or on reservations.

Indigenous People’s Day is celebrated on the same day we once celebrated Columbus Day. We want to correct our misinformation that Christopher Columbus found North America because there were already a lot of people here and Columbus enslaved and abused Native Americans. It is better to learn about the Taino people that first met Columbus that lived on the island of the Caribbean.

On Indigenous People’s Day there may be a powwow or gathering near where you live where there will be traditional dances, singing, music, stories and food to celebrate Native American culture.

I loved the colorful pictures taken by many artists. I felt the words used by Katrina M. Phillips were important and well used to educate readers about our history and people. I enjoyed Indigenous People’s Day.

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I got my copy from the Longview Public Library but you can get your own copy of Indigenous People’s Day by Katrina M. Phillips on Amazon.

It is amazing what you can learn from reading children’s books. I read an article last week that said that reading anything is a natural antidepressant because we are feeding our brains something positive. I have found that children’s books tend to be simple and filled with hope. I can see why everyone can benefit from taking a moment to enjoy them. I hope you enjoy these reviews as much as I enjoy writing them. Be blessed.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

My Final Fracture

by Summer D Clemenson | Aug 7, 2023 | About Summer, Life, Opinions

I had an experience on the day after Nana’s celebration of life that really upset me. I was so upset that Anna was awakened. She was my final fracture. I little over 20 years ago I had had a vision, during the day, that God showed me that I was so hurt, that I had about 5,000 fractures. Each one was part of my brain that had taken on a task that I was not ready to handle throughout my childhood and young adulthood. I was working with a Christian therapist at the time and she was very important to helping me to integrate many of them rather quickly. As far as I know, none of them were actual personalities and very few or none of the fractures were strong enough to take me over, however I was experiencing lost time and this was very stressful to me.

By 2014, I had checked in with God and He had told me I was down to less than 100. This was about the time that this therapist felt that we had grown too close and she didn’t think she could help me as a therapist anymore. I agreed. Also, I was confident that, as I was ready, I could continue integrating fractures, on my own with God. He is very gracious to not insist that we don’t handle issues we aren’t ready to handle until He knows we are ready.

I have written about Anna before. I am not sure, exactly how long she has been the last one and actually I think she might be an integration of several fractures because the first time I met her she was 5 years old, but lately she seems to be many ages, some even pre-verbal, which has made it very hard to communicate. Last week was a hard one. My emotions were all over the place. It was hard to reason with Anna. She wanted to engage with people from my past in ways that I don’t want to. She was making me feel really crazy.

On Saturday night, my wife, Karen G Clemenson, went to work and I finally had had it with Anna. So I told God I was ready to integrate Anna. After talking honestly with God I realized I knew that Anna’s job was to hold all the emotions and pain of my past and I had kept her around because I didn’t want to be responsible for those emotions and pain. Before the integration I felt like my emotions were firecrackers always going on outside of me, startling me. After the integration my emotions come from one place inside of me and I can stop and look at them and decide how to respond to them. There is a new type of quiet in me. I am very tired. I am waiting to see what will happen next. I don’t think I have ever lived without Anna so life is new in some ways.

I told my new therapist about this experience today. He seemed to be very excited for me. He agreed that this must be an amazing experience and it would take time for me to totally get to know the new me that didn’t rely on another part of myself.

One thing that this experience has done is made it very easy for me to be at peace with my decision to leave much of my extended family behind me. Many of them have done things to me and other people that I don’t respect. Not only that, they have done nothing to build a relationship with me. Yes I put boundaries on them, but I did not shut them completely out, they just never took the time to figure out how to reach me. I answer emails. Google me. I have 4 websites and Facebook is not the only social media site that I am on. They may not like this but I get to choose my boundaries. If they don’t like them they can stay in the background. I am walking forward.

There are a few of them that I am just not interested in engaging with at all and I get to make that boundary too. That might be painful to some of them but I didn’t get to choose who was in my life as a child. I have the right to choose as an adult.

It is funny how the more information we have, the richer the conversation can become…this is kind of rabbit trail but I think it kind of proves a point too. Aunt Elaine and Uncle Duane stopped by, unexpectedly yesterday. I haven’t seen them in a while and it was nice to catch up. For some reason an old uncle, via marriage, came up in conversation; I don’t know why. He was my uncle when I was a very little girl, probably younger than 6 or 7 years old, at the most. I didn’t have a lot of words, when I was a child, for what I remembered about him, or life experience. My parents were raised in Seattle, Washington, which is vastly different, demographically, than Longview, where I was raised. Longview is still about 84% white. I looked it up and in 1980, when I was about 5 years old, the population was about 90% white. I don’t know what nationality Uncle Hector was but he was not white. I was telling Aunt Elaine that maybe I thought he was different because of his brown skin. I stopped talking about his skin because she paused loudly. Normally when I am around people that seem judgmental I like to poke as much as I can at this soft spot because I can’t see a reason to judge someone for their skin color or who their parents are because we don’t get to choose, but I know there is not a judgmental bone in my aunt’s body so I let it go. But I did add that his eyes scared me. She told me that he was a Vietnam Veteran and he had PTSD and he was always drunk or high and that was probably what I was seeing.

Today, after I had time to think about it, I was telling Karen about my full thoughts about Uncle Hector…yes the conversations never stop for me when they actually stop. I think about them for a long time until all the details make sense to me. Uncle Hector’s name was super cool to me. I mean what the Heck! He always wore a camouflage jacket and dog tags, a look I borrowed in my teens for awhile, of course I also wore a tuxedo shirt with my look. I didn’t like that every time he saw me, he made sure to announce how big I was. Yes. We all knew I was a fat child. He was a very loud guy. That was hard for me but so were most of the Clemenson family. Not only was his hair thick and black and very big but his skin was dark brown and it was covered in acne scars that in my little girl mind, with the sharp imagination, I think it reminded me of some of the characters in the dinosaur show I liked to watch. I also remember that my mom was scared of him and told me to never be with him alone and to make sure I stayed with my dad, if I was going to be around him. She didn’t really have to push that with me because his eyes scared me and now I know his crazy eyes were because he might be having a PTSD moment or stoned or just drunk.

See I don’t like surface talk, small talk, reality shows, gossip or anything easy. I ask deep questions. I like to debate. I read books, articles about just about anything, the bible. I like to feed my brain because it makes me feel good; like I am doing something good for myself. I think reality shows are the bane of our society and I don’t like to talk about people that aren’t in the room unless we are going to pray for them.

It could be that some of the people I left in the background might be more comfortable back there. I don’t want to perform or play games anymore. But if you meet a very tall, probably Mexican guy named Uncle Hector, let him know that I am praying for him and thank him for his service.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

What Makes a Healthy Marriage

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 31, 2023 | About Summer, Life, Opinions

When I was younger I wondered why my grandparents were married. From the surface, they had little in common and I had little to no understanding about relationships, especially what makes a healthy marriage. When I was really little, grandpa hadn’t married Nana yet and it was just Nana that we went to visit all the time in her little house. Before their marriage, I was told to call Grandpa, Bill. But around the time my youngest sibling was born, Nana and Grandpa had got married and they came to see us and the newest family member. I was about 5 years old.

After Nana and Grandpa were married, because I had a lot of grandfathers, I was told I could call him Grandpa Bill; I was confused and didn’t know how to tell him from the other grandfathers. But by the time I was about 8 or 9 years old, Nana told me it was time to just call Grandpa, Grandpa. She was right, he was the most grandfatherly, grandfather I had. None of the other grandfathers showed up to teach me anything or fix anything. Sometimes I forgot and called him Grandpa Bill, but he was the only one that didn’t get called by his last name and I thought that was special too.

I remember at my first nephew’s, 1st birthday party, Nana had sat on some ketchup. She was notorious for wearing white jeans so it was really noticeable. Grandpa asked me if I would help her. I didn’t know how to file that so I declined. It was so sweet to watch him quietly tell her and then help her clean off her jeans. I see it so clearly like it is still happening. I didn’t know how to be outside of myself then. Now I would be able to offer help to someone, but I think it took Grandpa showing me how to take care of Nana, and some therapy to learn how to show compassion and care for people.

As I have been married, I see how much like Nana and Grandpa I am, but also I see how I chose a partner that is a lot like Grandpa in some ways too. I understand that their opposite ways of being are how they complimented each other. Each person was great individually but they were so much better together. When Grandpa teased Nana it was to stop her from being so serious and anxious. I know this because Karen G Clemenson does it to me too. It’s ok that they liked to read different genres of books, what is important is that they took the time to find out what types of books each other liked to read. Grandpa and Karen both love the Seattle Seahawks and I am sure that Nana chose to watch the games with Grandpa for the same reason I watch them with Karen, but I know Nana and I also learned to appreciate other parts of the game; like the beauty of a well sculpted athlete like DK Mecalf.

I have learned over the years that Love, alone, does not hold a relationship together. Liking someone does not hold a relationship together, by itself either. You must have a combination of Love, Like and the most important element is Compromise. Without these three elements from all parties, a relationship cannot be equal, and cannot stand through the trials of humanity. I am so thankful that I was able to see these qualities in my nana and grandpa. I am also thankful that I see them in my marriage and a few trusted friends.

Happy Belated Birthday, in Heaven, Nana.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

7 Children’s Books for July 2023

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 27, 2023 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions, Queer Community

I got the first book in this review from a box of books from my sister, but before I could publish it I read an article that suggested that grown up should read children’s books and it inspired me to actually do that and so, until I get bored, I plan to find 7 books for the month and review them. So here is 7 Children’s Books for July…

I Pray You’ll Be…by Hannah C. Hall

This copy of I Pray You’ll Be…by Hannah C. Hall came to me in a box of books and I was surprised because my sister often gives me only adult books. But what a joy to have this children’s picture book!

The illustrations by Catalin Ardeleanu are beautiful and easy to engage a little one in conversation about. The story is uplifting and the timing is poetic to read. It was so fun to read by myself that I know I will enjoy reading it to my great-nephews and any other children that come for a visit. I usually pass these books on to a great, but I think I will keep this one for my collection.

Thanks Sis!

I got this book from my sister, Jamie Holloway. You can get your own copy of I Pray You’ll Be…by Hannah C. Hall on Amazon.

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I Pray You’ll Be . . . by Hannah C Hall
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Beautiful illustrations! Wonderful story! I love this book!

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The Story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf

The Story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

The Story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf was first printed in 1936. Ferdinand was a bull, but not like other bulls that like to fight each other, “He liked to sit just quietly and smell the flowers.”

This story is powerful because it doesn’t hide the violence of bull fighting and it doesn’t hide that Ferdinand is not anything like other bulls. In many ways this story could be a metaphor for other topics. I love that Ferdinand is brave enough to be himself and his mother, although she is worried he might be lonesome, is understanding enough to let him do what makes him happy.

The drawings by Robert Lawson are simple in black and white but are easy to discuss with children to encourage conversation and compassion with Ferdinand and other bull’s plight. I think The Story of Ferdinand is a timeless tale.

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I got this copy of this story at The Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of The Story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf on Amazon.

Song of Creation by Paul Goble

Song of Creation by Paul Goble
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Song of Creation by Paul Goble was published in 2004. It is a collection of amazing artistry and songs of praise to the Creator. As you take in the vibrant art of nature and read out loud the prayers you might be able to imagine a flute playing in your mind, as I did.

“O all you works of the Lord, bless you the Lord: praise him, and magnify him forever.”

As a person who doesn’t just read books but loves to talk about them and encourage little ones to grow their vocabulary and ability to think, there are tons of beautiful things to talk about amongst the stunning illustrations.

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I got this copy of this story at The Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of Song of Creation by Paul Goble on Amazon.

Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak

Where The Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

In a world where Max, the main character, who is probably 5-7-years old, felt a little out of control, being able to shout, “BE STILL,” and seeing his terrible monsters tamed was just what he needed. To be able to command the wild rumpus and to make it stop on his authority, made coming home to a warm meal very welcoming.

We all feel out of control sometimes. Whether we are 5 or 50 years old and this story was fun to read and relate to, just as it has been since 1963 when Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak was published.

The illustrations are imaginative and draw you in so it is no surprise that Where the Wild Things Are was the winner of the Caldecott Medal for the Most Distinguished Picture Book of the Year in 1964.

This timeless story will always delight!

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I got this copy of this story at The Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak on Amazon.

Julián is a Mermaid by Jessica Love

Julián Is a Mermaid by Jessica Love
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Julián is a Mermaid by Jessica Love was published in 2018 and has beautifully colorful and inspiring pictures.

Julián is a boy in love with mermaids. He sees gorgeous people dressed up on the subway with his abuela and he wants to be like them. He daydreams all the way home and as his abuela goes to take a bath he becomes creative with things around her house.

As she emerges from the bath, Julián’s abuela sees what he has done. He is nervous that she will be upset but she returns with a beautiful necklace. Once she is dressed, they go for a walk to a place with many fancy people, “Like you mijo. Let’s join them.” And they do.

This touching story of acceptance shows how much love Julián and his abuela share with each other.

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I got this copy of this story at The Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of Julián is a Mermaid by Jessica Love on Amazon.

Butterflies by Seymour Simon

Butterflies by Seymour Simon
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Butterflies by Seymour Simon was published in 2011. It is meant for children that are about aged 5 to 9 years of age but any child would love the outstanding photography by the many artists who collaborated in this book. While I read the book, I learned that there are more than 20,000 kinds of butterflies.

While many butterflies live in North America the greatest variety and number live in the rain forest. Butterflies are important pollinators to flowers, plants and vegetables. Butterflies also provide food to animals like bats, birds, lizards and frogs.

There are 4 stages of a butterfly’s life: Egg, Caterpillar, Pupa (the transformative stage into a butterfly) and Adult. Butterflies drink their food with a long tongue called a proboscis. They smell with their antennae and taste with their feet!

An Irish saying goes: “May the wings of the butterfly kiss the sun and find your shoulder to light on, to bring you luck, happiness and riches today, tomorrow, and beyond.”

I really enjoyed this book and I hope you will enjoy it too!

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I got this copy of this story at The Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of Butterflies by Seymour Simon on Amazon.

Separate Is Never Equal Sylvia Mendez and Her Family’s Fight for Desegregation by Duncan Tonatiuh

Separate Is Never Equal: Sylvia Mendez and Her Family’s Fight for Desegregation by Duncan Tonatiuh
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Separate Is Never Equal Sylvia Mendez and Her Family’s Fight for Desegregation by Duncan Tonatiuh is a book that was published in 2014 but is about a real story that happened in 1945. When Sylvia moved with her family from Santa Ana, California to Westminster, California, she was excited to start at her new school in her neighborhood. But on the day her aunt took Sylvia, her brothers and her cousins to enroll, they were told her cousins could enroll, because their skin was light, but Sylvia and her brothers would have to enroll in the Mexican school. That day Sylvia’s aunt chose to not enroll any of the children, but take them home.

When she told her brother-in-law, he did not understand. He was born in Mexico, but he had become a United States citizen and his children had been born in the United States and had perfect English. He had worked hard and owned his own company. He did not understand why he kept being told, “This is how it is done,” whether he spoke with the county superintendent or the school board.

The Mexican school was not safe. It had no playground. The teachers didn’t care if the children learned anything. It was not a good environment and Mr. Mendez wanted his children to have a good education. As Mr. Mendez kept looking for answers he met a man that suggested that he file a lawsuit. He knew of another man that had helped to integrate schools in the San Bernardino area. This seemed like a good plan and Mr. Mendez spent a lot of time traveling all over Orange County searching for people that wanted to help with this plan and he found them.

In June of 1947, after one hearing and an appeal that were both won by Mr. Mendez and his team, Governor Earl Warren signed a law that allowed all children to go to school together, regardless of race, ethnicity or language.

Separate Is Never Equal Sylvia Mendez and Her Family’s Fight for Desegregation by Duncan Tonatiuh is winning story for children that are at least 5-8 years old. It is also the winner of The Pura Belpre Award.

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I got this copy of this story at The Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of Separate Is Never Equal Sylvia Mendez and Her Family’s Fight for Desegregation by Duncan Tonatiuh on Amazon.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I Am Thankful When Situations Are Easy

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 26, 2023 | About Summer, Life

God tells us to do our best to be a good example and not cause harm to others. I try to live this always. I would hate to make someone stumble. I am thankful when situations are easy.

I had a wonderful experience this week. I went to my niece’s house to give a gift to my great-nephew. My niece had made a post on Facebook that she needed a break. Her little one needs to touch her all the time and she just needed a break. So I bought him a doll made of silicone. When silicone is touched and matches the body heat of the person touching it, it feels somewhat like skin. My great-nephew is going to be a big brother soon so I thought he might enjoy having his own baby to care for while mommy is busy. The doll didn’t come with a bottle so we had stopped at the store to get one. That was a good idea, because he did have a little doll and a shopping cart that he pushes the doll around in, but he didn’t have a bottle or cup to feed the baby with. The doll worked out well. His other baby can’t go in the tub with him, but this one can. He enjoyed taking care of both babies and the bottle and little cup that we bought him helped out a lot.

My niece lives with her mother and it was nice to see her too. Families are made in all kinds of ways and this niece came to me through a marriage that didn’t last but I never stopped loving her so I kept her. Her mother has been through a lot and has worked hard to overcome so much. I admire her journey and strength. I mentioned that I am close to graduating out of therapy. I am still overcome by that idea. After she thought about that, my niece’s mother said: “Good job. That means you have learned all the tools you need.”

People may have said something like that to me but this was the first time that I remember someone looking me in the eye and saying it to me. I really needed to have that experience.

I have been really torn about going to Nana’s celebration of life. I want to see my grandfather. But I am not a small talk person. I am not a big family function person. These people do not send me letters or cards. I have tried to create the type of pen pal relationships with some of them that I missed so much with Nana as she began to deteriorate mentally and that didn’t work. I haven’t spoken to my mother and siblings in a long time. I don’t want to answer questions of people I haven’t seen since my great-grandfather’s memorial service. There are just some truths that are painful and I don’t want to dishonor my mother in order to be authentic.

Becoming an auntie has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I want to see my other nephews and niece so badly, but they have the choice to reach out to me and they don’t.

I am hurting today. I have been hurting for about a week. I always hurt but this is deeper. It is making it harder to function. All I want to do is sleep. I know part of it is a little depression. Funny, Karen never says she can see it, but she says things like: “Please make sure you take your meds and eat some oatmeal today.”

I know that Nana is with Jesus and in my heart. I know that memorial services are to help the loved one remember the one we lost, together, but I have my own memorials for Nana as they naturally happen. I think it would be best if I kept doing that and save my family the stress of my honesty. Besides I hurt. My body is fighting cancer. It is going to be 85 degrees on Sunday and the heat makes me ill. Fibromyalgia is already messing with me…and then there is that bill that I was surprised with that will make it impossible to rent a car for the trip…our car is to temperamental.

To be honest with myself. I don’t think I can do this event well. Not everything is about me.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: Paris Daillencourt is About to Crumble by Alexis Hall

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 21, 2023 | Book & Product Reviews, Queer Community

This book was found in the bottom of a box of books my sister gave to me. From the picture on the cover, I didn’t think this was my normal type of book but I was committed to read it. I try to expand my reading experiences. I never want to be stagnant. Paris Daillencourt is About to Crumble by Alexis Hall is written for an audience that is probably in their young 20’s but it isn’t without merit.

I had trouble getting into the book because the main character, Paris, is so pathetic. He has no self-esteem, he apologizes for everything and he tends to make everything about himself, but you can tell he doesn’t mean to. A third of the way through the book I decided I had to keep reading just to see if he ever gets better.

Many of the characters in the book, including Tariq, Paris’ eventual love interest, are part of a televised baking contest and this adds a lot of drama to the book and even some fun ideas for readers that like to bake. Through their relationship and the help of Paris’ roommate, Morag, Paris finally gets some help and learns that he has a mental illness and is able to get the help he needs.

When we got to this part of the book, I understood why this guy was so annoying to me, because I have this same diagnosis and he reminded me of a younger me. I did find that the timeline of success with meds and treatment were pretty quick compared to my experience but it is just a novel and not real life and my experience is my own; I am just happy people are normalizing mental illness. Overall I thought this was a cute book.

I got this book from my sister Jamie Holloway. You can get your own copy of Paris Daillencourt is About to Crumble by Alexis Hall on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

Paris Daillencourt Is About to Crumble by Alexis Hall
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I had trouble with this book. This book was written for a younger person than me, but the part that made it hard for me was probably, more that I can relate with the main character in many ways, mainly in that, I too have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and untreated this mental illness makes you miserable and listening to him narrate the story was making me feel miserable. However, in the end, Paris got the help he needed to begin healing and learning how to deal with his what was holding him back in life. I don’t know that the timeline and the process was realistic but I appreciate the author’s approach to making a topic that has been stigmatized more easy to talk about.

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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

My Thoughts on Senate Bill 5599

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 18, 2023 | Community, Education, Local Interests, Opinions, Queer Community

Senate Bill 5599 has been the center of many debates online; Many debates among Christians that believe there is only one way to live. I entered into one of these debates hoping to speak some compassion into the hearts of these fellow believers and along the way I learned a few things. I have waited a few weeks to sum up my notes and thoughts on these conversations so I could make sure that my emotions were not getting in my way. Because this bill can bring up a lot of emotions if you are letting go of common sense. Here are my thoughts on Senate Bill 5599.

SB 5599 was originally sponsored by Senators Marko Liias (primary), Claire Wilson, Manka Dhingra, Liz Lovelett, Joe Nguyen and Emily Randall. It was passed on May 9, 2023 and will take effect on July 23, 2023. In a nutshell the bill states that if a minor comes to a licensed overnight shelter or licensed organization and it is known that they are there, unknown by their parents, that the organization must contact the parents or guardians within 72 hours. However, if there are compelling reasons suggesting that that minor is being abused this rule doesn’t apply, but the organization must make sure that the minor receives proper medical, mental and legal help, which may include gender affirming care or abortion without parent or guardian consent, after proper medical, mental and legal help has begun. FYI this is a paraphrase. There is a link to the full bill below for your reference.

Previously I had read about School-Based Health Center Programs because I had heard about other Christians that were afraid of what that would mean in public schools because there was another bill that mentioned gender-affirming care. My response is always to research. My belief system tells me that since perfect love casts out fear, that God has given me a mind to learn. So I must not let my emotions get in the way. So I ask questions and read what I can so that I don’t need to be afraid. From what I have read, School-Based Health Center Programs are very much like what I experienced as a child in public school. I remember receiving eye exams, hearing tests, scoliosis checks, and my first tuberculosis vaccine at the nurse’s office. I received counseling all through grade school, middle school and high school with a program like this. Kids that need prescriptions given during the day get them from the nurse’s office, minors needing hormone treatments would fall under this category. I imagine that children that show signs of abuse would get help through this program.

The conclusion I have come to about the fear that these Christian parents are worried about is non-existent if they are not abusing their children. If they are listening to their children and letting them be individuals and not extensions of themselves. If they are willing to let go of a version of a legalistic God that doesn’t understand humanity.

What are people afraid of?

It sounds like I have heard the word indoctrinated a lot. And while there may be a few teachers that have an agenda, I don’t believe that all teachers and administrators do and parents have the right to question their children’s teachers and administrators. We live in a world where children have all kinds of families. I had two women in mother roles in my family and it wasn’t because my mother was a lesbian; my father had divorced my mother and remarried. Most of my friends had more than one mother or father when I was growing up. I had no experience with queer families until I was an adult, that I know of, but I know they have been here and children should not be ashamed to talk about their parents. As a woman married to another woman, I can assure you that my wife and I are just like any other married couple trying to grow each day into a better person while we pay our bills and take care of our cat and when we are able to afford children, we will be glad to foster and that is what our foster kids will see; just two imperfect people, trying our best, much like most other married people.

When we have kids our agenda will be to raise healthy, community-minded children that know how to take care of themselves, ask questions and make decisions.

What is a lifestyle?

Dictionary.com says that a lifestyle is the habits, attitudes, tastes, moral standards, economic level, etc., that together constitute the mode of living of an individual or group.

The phrase “Gay Lifestyle” always bothers me, because what the definition above doesn’t specify but does imply, is the factor of choice. We choose our habits, attitudes, tastes, moral standards, way of living and even our economic level. We might not realize this but even by not choosing, but just doing what we know, we are making a choice. I know I didn’t choose to be queer. I prayed for years to be what I thought God wanted me to be and in the end, I already was what He created me to be.

During my conversations with people my marriage was called a perversion and I appreciate people’s right to their opinion but what if the real perversion is the division that is caused when people are being shunned from a body of believers because of who they love or how they feel about their body? I read my bible almost every day and I enjoy my time with God. In my relationship with Him, I have learned to question even Him because the moral standards written in the bible were written in a culture and time that are vastly different than what we experience now. We see this because slavery is illegal and women can own land; in fact there was no cultural standard for a loving, committed relationship between two souls, regardless of gender because women had no value when the bible was written. In the bible, marriage was more about maintaining social responsibility and child rearing and had nothing to do with love. But marriage is no longer defined by my ability to have children, so gender is just a human issue. In Jesus we are all equal, there is neither Jew or Greek, male or female (Galatians 3:28). The bible says that when Jesus returns, we will no longer have human bodies (1 Corinthians 15:52), nor will be given in marriage (Matthew 22:30). This leads me to believe that love is so much more important than gender in God’s eyes (Mark 12:30-31).

Transgender Issues…

We do not see what God sees and we do not know what God knows (Isaiah 55:8-9). If your child is confused about their gender, love them, hear them and help them. Why would you allow yourself to be afraid of such a human issue, when as a Christian we are called to live a spirit-led life? Did you know that a transgender person is not allowed to take hormone treatments until after they have completed 4 months of counseling to make sure they are making the right decision? There is a process to make sure that the person is not making a mistake. So those hormone treatments that the school nurse might be administering will never start immediately. Surgeries are never going to happen at school and not every transgender person can have or will choose to have surgeries because each person’s path is their own. It is common for children to be curious at some point in their development about their sex and most children come to the discovery that they are happy with the sex they were born with but if your child is so unhappy with their gender that they don’t want to live, I know I would be very comfortable with helping a child find peace and safety in their body and God would have grace for that. We are all God’s creation and He loves us and sees our full potential and He wants us to love and care for each other, instead of fighting and dividing ourselves from each other.

One person brought up the bathroom issue and I want to mention here that at every facility that I have been to where children are, there are separate bathrooms for children and adults. Students don’t have a lot of time in the bathroom and they are there to get their business done. At one grade school I visited, a representative nearly ran to meet me at the front door as I entered. It was obvious that it was important to this school that the kids were top priority. I don’t think bathrooms are an issue in schools.

I believe that church and state should be separate. I believe that Jesus came to save me from the law because when I am living a spirit-led life, where I am loving God with all my heart, soul and mind and my neighbor more than myself, I wont need laws to tell me to be careful with others and mindful of boundaries. When the law is more important than love we make a mockery of what Jesus did on the cross (Galatians 2:20-21). I think the fears that I keep seeing in these conversations are the false prophets (2 Thessalonians 3:6) that Jesus told us about and as believers we need to be careful not to forget why we are really here: to let go of our fears and learn to love.

There is no reason to fear SB 5599 if you are loving your children, listening to your children and doing your best to let them grow into the human God created them to be. Remember to be brave!

Bill Sponsors: WA SB5599 | 2023-2024 | Regular Session
Final Bill Report ESSB 5599 originally sponsored by Senators Liias, Wilson, C., Dhingra, Lovelett, Nguyen, and Randall
School-Based Health Center Program by Healthier Washington Collaboration Portal

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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Saying Thank You

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 11, 2023 | About Summer, Life, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

Nana was always a big person to remind me the importance of saying thank you. She always told me that people that didn’t send thank you cards, often stopped getting gifts because people like to be appreciated. I have noticed as I became an auntie that when my nieces and nephews were able to read and write, just like Nana to me, I would send them stamps and stationary and mention this same notion to them. As much as I love them, nieces and nephews that become adults and don’t make sure I have an address to mail something to, which would be on a thank you note, don’t tend to get gifts, because I too, like to be appreciated.

I miss Nana’s letters. I miss Nana but I know she is with Jesus. I also know she is with me. I visit her in my dreams and thoughts much more often than I could see her on earth. It was a pleasure to answer her letters and know that she would so happy to read them. I think people have forgotten how nice it feels to get happy mail. (more…)

Book Review: How To Talk With God by Joyce Meyer

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 10, 2023 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

When you are a Christian or any other religion where you have a Creator, prayer is probably the most important part of your belief system, or at least it should be. That is, at least what I think. I got this book from a box of of books from my sister and it was a great reminder. How To Talk With God by Joyce Meyer is a simple reminder of some very basic things about how to talk with your Creator. It should be basic because it really is just talking to your best friend, at least He is YOUR best friend.

When you don’t know what to do…
When you have a need…
When you feel anxious and afraid…
When someone offends you or hurts your feelings…
When you are sick…
When you are discouraged or feel like giving up…
When someone you love is suffering…
When you have a problem of any kind…
PRAY! (more…)

Book Review: Beyond Magenta Transgender Teens Speak Out by Susan Kuklin

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 8, 2023 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions, Queer Community

I really enjoyed this book. I found out about it from a friend that sent me a link from Alan Rose’s blog. He had done a book review that included Beyond Magenta Transgender Teens Speak Out by Susan Kuklin and another book. Because of his review I bought them both and his latest book and I will eventually read all of them.

What I liked about the book was that each chapter was a different story. The stories were kept simple, probably because each person was still a minor but their stories are powerful as each teenager learns and shares their knowledge with their interviewer. (more…)

Book Review: The Florence Legacy by Lauraine Snelling

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 7, 2023 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

The Florence Legacy by Lauraine Snelling came to me in a bag of books that I have been working on for over a year as I also worked on other piles of books from my own collection and library books. I tend to be attracted to intense reads that require at least a few Google searches and lots of notes. This book was not that but it was kind of a nice reprieve from my usual.

The main character, Bree, is a widow, a single mother of two adult children, a grandmother and an author. At the beginning of the story one of her close friends from a group of friends has passed away. Their group had always talked about going to Italy and in the will of their lost friend, they are surprised to receive the money they need to go on their dream trip. (more…)

Book Review: With All Due Respect Defending America with Grit and Grace by Nikki R. Haley

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 6, 2023 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

Being a person that does not believe in parties but people, I was grateful to one of my wife, Karen G Clemenson’s, clients that suggested that I look up Nikki R. Haley when I was voicing my dissatisfaction with our current president. With All Due Respect Defending America with Grit and Grace by Nikki R. Haley is a great book and Haley is strong woman that helped me to see both my favorite and least favorite presidents as more human, which has helped me personally as well.

Nikkie R. Haley was born to Indian-American immigrants. She was raised in Bamberg, South Carolina. Her parents were well to do in India but chose to come to the United States so that their children would have opportunities they could never have in India. Her fathers wears a turban because he is a Sikh. She was disqualified from a children’s pageant because she was neither white or black. These are just a few things that made her different as a child growing up in the Southern United States. (more…)

Nana Really Tried

by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 27, 2023 | About Summer, Life, Opinions

I keep thinking about this funny story of shopping with Nana lately that keeps me chuckling. My nana really tried with me. She was not accustomed to dealing with a child as fat as I was. When she was a child and had gained a few extra pounds my great-grandmother (Grammy) took her to the doctor and Nana was put on a diet. During her pregnancies, my grandfather was in the Army and the Army hospitals were very strict about weight gain during pregnancies. That is probably why Nana was so calorie conscious. She was naturally a very active woman. At her prime, she was 5 foot 7 inches tall; just like me. If I had been born with her metabolism I would probably have grown to be somewhere between a size 10-12 just like her, but I was born with a different metabolism. (more…)

Dear Nana

by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 12, 2023 | About Summer, Life, Opinions

Grammy came and saw me a few days before Mom sent the email that told me you had had your stroke. I saw her in my reflection in the mirror. I had been thinking about her off and on. She didn’t say anything but I felt her very strongly. I knew it was profound but I didn’t know why until I read that the doctor didn’t think you would recover. I don’t remember her voice; she died when I was so little. But I feel her love and strength. I know she was the head of the family until she died and you had taken her spot. I don’t know what we will do now; I think I will have to become that head of my family. I think I have known that for a long time now.

It was Thursday May 25, 2023 when my mother emailed me. I know it was hard for her. I appreciate her communication. I know you understand why I have stayed away, because you told me that grandparents understand. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t enjoyed our visits in my dreams and the letters I have written you. I wish you were able to answer them. I have missed your letters to so much. As I was talking to God about you, I knew He was with you. Most importantly I didn’t want you to suffer and being unable to communicate or move was not the way you would want to be alive. I asked Him to heal what He was going to heal, knowing that that doesn’t always mean our bodies, and thanked Him for his grace and mercy for our family. (more…)

Book Review: You Don’t Know Us Negroes by Zora Neale Hurston

by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 10, 2023 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

I was wandering mindlessly through the Longview Public Library with a friend when I found this book. I didn’t need another book to read; I have tons of books on my To Read pile but You Don’t Know Us Negroes by Zora Neale Hurston called to me. This is only the second book I have read by Zora Neale Hurston. The purpose of You Don’t Know Us Negroes and Other Essays is to share the true beauty and idiosyncrasies of Black culture. My first experience with Hurston was somewhere around 2005, while I was attending Lower Columbia College. I was extremely ignorant of Black culture, but I was drawn to a book on display for Black History Month entitled: Their Eyes Were Watching God. Because of Hurston and a few other authors I have continued to be curious about all other cultures and I read all kinds of books. I would say, that beyond the grave, Hurston must live on. (more…)

Cancer Update May 2023: I Am Scared

by Summer D Clemenson | May 24, 2023 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Life

The last week or so has been a lot. I am tired and I am scared. These are the words to sum up how I feel and I hate that I have only these words to say. Last Monday, May 15, 2023 I had my final D&C. I didn’t realize it would be my last one, but now I know it is. It was the most painful. I don’t usually ask for pain meds, but I begged for some, at least 2 to get through the first day. After that I welcome pain to help me know my limits, but that first day, I felt like my lady parts were on fire and it was not something to be ignored. When I heard from the doctor again it was to inform me that I had to come into the hospital again for an MRI on Sunday May 21. There is nothing calming, sweet or non-traumatic about an MRI so I wont go into details, but my technician was really nice.

Today Karen and I met with my oncologist, online for my post-op. We were told that the hormone treatments have kept the endometrial cancer from growing or spreading but they have not done anything to get rid of the cancer. We have been working on this for over a year now. But since the treatment is keeping it at bay, my doctor is concerned about my breathing and my weight (it is allergy season and I am very congested and I have only recently begun taking Mounjaro) and my doctor is about to have a baby and going on leave from June to October, we are planning for my hysterectomy to be in October. This will give my body a chance to see if Mounjaro will help me with weight loss, get through allergy season, and my doctor will have a chance to have her baby and heal and bond with her little one.

I trust my doctor. She is a good doctor. She gave me many more details but beyond the fact that my surgery will be at Good Samaritan Hospital because they are set up for larger patients and she wants me to see a plastic surgeon about a tummy tuck if they can’t do a laparoscopic hysterectomy, I don’t remember anything else. It is weird how the word CANCER can create a vacuum in your mind, making it really hard to remember important things.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

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What are people afraid of?

What is a lifestyle?

Transgender Issues…

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