Book Review: The Mistress of Spices by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 15, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

Tilo is the Mistress of Spices. She currently resides in Oakland, California where she sells grocery items and spices, some meant to cure people’s troubles. Her Teacher knew she was too rebellious and independent to be a perfect Mistress but she let her take her place and make her choice.

She was not to leave her store.
Se was not to touch anyone or let them touch her.
She was not to care to much or too little, but the same for everyone in her store.
She must only serve others, never herself.

Her Teacher told her that must only let the spices lead her and if she worries beyond the walls of her store she will become overwhelmed. At night she can listen to the wishes of her customers:

I found The Mistress of Spices by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni while looking for other books at the library and it called to me. This story reminds me a little of The Lost Apothecary by Sarah Penner in that the spices had a magic and a cost to those who used it. The Mistress is able to help people but she has trouble living with the consequences and the customer’s choices so she begins to break the rules and in the end she must make a big choice about her own life.

I found this story to be refreshing and I couldn’t put this book down.

I got this book at the Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of The Mistress of Spices by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

The Mistress of Spices by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I found this book by accident at the library…but maybe there are no accidents. I loved this book. It was full of imagination, culture, hope, sadness and any number of emotions. I could not put this book down.

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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.

If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Holiday Peace and Joy

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 14, 2022 | Essential Oils, Life, Marketing, Opinions

Merry Christmas! I wish you Holiday Peace and Joy at this beautiful time of year that is celebrated for many reasons by many types of people and religions and I hope you all feel blessed.

I want to tell you a cute story about my cat. I have been using Certified Pure Grade Essential Oils for 11 years and I am not sure how many times I have been asked if they are safe for cats but, as a person who has been learning as I went, so has my cat. Xavier (pronounced Javier) is very much like his particular and opinionated mommy. He likes things the way he likes them and when Xavier is not happy, no one is happy. I am used to getting up at least once in the night to give him his 5 am feeding (he has IBS and is a compulsive eater) and love on him which is just as important for my anxious little guy. We play music at night because Xavier demands it but he has also grown accustomed to the diffuser.

The other night was not like other nights: We had cuddled. He had been fed. I made sure the bathtub was slowly dripping (he wont drink sitting water). The music was still playing and I was trying to separate myself to go back to bed but Xavier would not have it. He sat on the floor looking at me and grunting until I realized that the diffuser had gone dry.

After I was done laughing; I mean what else can you do? I refilled the defuser and put On Guard in it…that is his favorite oil. How do I know? He will lay on the floor beneath the diffuser for a bit and then run around the room and play and then come back to the diffuser and take a nap…

So the main rule is that the cat needs to be able to get away from the oil. Don’t apply oils to the cat directly or give them to the cat internally. Wash your hands after you have been working with oils to keep them from licking the oils off your hands. Cats have very different metabolisms than humans do and ingesting certain oils can be lethal. But diffusing is the safest way to use oils around cats because they are diluted by the water.

Now back to Holiday Peace and Holiday Joy…These are seasonal oils that doTERRA puts out and they are lovely. Here is my trick. I have never made a point of buying both of them until this year and when I got them I tried them in the diffuser individually and thought they were lovely but what I really enjoyed was putting them together with a little Peppermint…that was the Golden Ticket. Talk about smelling the holidays! I highly suggest this combination!

If you have any questions about Certified Pure Grade Essential Oils please Contact Me.

From my family to yours, we hope that you are blessing during this season.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 13, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Life, Opinions

The first time I read Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, I was about 9-years-old. I was visiting my aunt and uncle in Massachusetts and I had brought it along with me. It was a book that my grandmother had bought for my mother and aunt when they were girls. It was the first real chapter book I had really read. I was so excited after I had finished this book the first time that I also read Jack and Jill, also by Louisa May Alcott and a 500 page book about Helen Keller (I don’t remember the name of it), all in a months time. I had been bit by the book bug.

I think it helped that my aunt took my cousins and I to the library every week and we had times where we just looked at books. We had books at my house and like my aunt’s house, we had a big book shelf full of books and baskets with books in them and my mother read to us, but I think the library was the clincher for me. That magical place with so many books. It feels like magic in there for me. I feel excited in a library or a good book store.

I have tried to read this book again but I had trouble getting into it at different times. I don’t have that original copy with me at this time so I tried to download it onto my Kindle, but I have decided I hate reading on my Kindle. It hurts my wrists to hold it up and I don’t want to spend money to find a better case so it is just gathering dust until I decide what to do with it. I like to read real books so after reading The Reading List I was inspired to give Little Women another go and found it at my local library.

I am convinced that the copy of Little Women, that I read 37 years ago, was a condensed copy. First, it was much smaller than this huge book sitting next to me with 520 pages in it. Second, even with accounting for some of my memories being washed away by the many movie versions of this book that I have seen, there are so many details about the characters that I can’t recall at all. Both of these details make me glad that I checked this book out at the library.

That summer I visited in Massachusetts wasn’t just special because I got bit by the reading bug…and many bugs…it is very humid there…but we also went to see The Concord House where the Alcott Family lived. It was very special to see the drawings on the walls, the stories written by Alcott, the music sheets, needlepoint and other arts that that the Alcott Family all created. It made the book come alive to me. I thought about that several times as I read about their adventures.

I loved the intimacy they all held for each other. I love how Alcott took time to develop each character in a specific and loving way. The book was written during the Civil War, yet she doesn’t develop which war it is, just how important it is to support our troops, with all we have. There is gossip of bias between well-off British and United States citizens and the March girls just don’t entertain those thoughts, they just keep moving forward because they don’t have time for such folly. Each disagreement is brought back around to the well-being of their sister or friend in such a generous way, it was so refreshing to read this especially near Christmas time, this may be a book I read again near Christmas more frequently. I believe this book has blessings for anyone who reads it.

I got this book at the Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of Little Women by Louisa May Alcott on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I first read this book when I was 9-years-old and 37 years later it still amazing!

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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: There There a Novel by Tommy Orange

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 12, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

Among the brokenness, addiction and poverty there sings a sings a song of strength, family and power on every page of There There a Novel by Tommy Orange. I am glad I found this book as I wandered the isles of the library. The stories of 12 Native American people as they traveled through life with little to anchor them were both sad and yet they kept moving forward.

This book left me feeling a lot. I could not bring myself to take notes but just absorb the pain of each character as they went through life disconnected from their past and the legacy of their people, not knowing who was safe to trust or not. I was saddened and reminded of the fact that Black people were just as scared of medical professionals when it came to serious medical conditions because of atrocities that were done against them, as characters in the book let cancer take them without treatment.

In the end, confused children brought the story to a sad end, yet in some way family still prevailed, whether they knew it or not. This book was a powerful read.

I got this book at the Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of There There a Novel by Tommy Orange on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

There There by Tommy Orange
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This book really pulled at my heart. Tommy Orange successfully created characters that I could believe and love. I could feel their pain and confusion at times, but always their strength.

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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: The Good Neighbor The Life and Work of Fred Rogers by Maxwell King

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 2, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

When I was growing up one of the very few shows my mother allowed me to watch was Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood and I watched it every chance I got, even through high school. Mr. Roger’s slow speech and gentle way of explaining things was a welcome change of the world around me that seemed to go too fast. It is refreshing to know that Mr. Rogers was naturally like himself but that he also took the time to train himself to speak to children at their level. I know he was a kindred spirit to myself and many, as we can learn, in great detail in The Good Neighbor The Life and Work of Fred Rogers by Maxwell King.

Fred McFeely Rogers was born on March 20, 1928 at his maternal grandparent’s home. He was raised in Latrobe, Pennsylvania. His mother’s delivery was very difficult and her doctor advised Roger’s parents against another pregnancy. Roger’s parents took this advice and when he was 11-years-old, his parents adopted his sister, Nancy Elaine Rogers (Crozier), who they called Laney.

Roger’s family had a hand in building much of the wealth in their community. Whey they were not working, they were volunteering, helping with fundraisers and writing checks or sending food baskets to families that needed help. Although they were well-off they were not pretentious.

Rogers had a very sheltered life from his over-protective mother, which only encouraged his naturally withdrawn nature. His family was devoted to faith, hard work and philanthropy and these thing were important to Rogers as well. Although he had trouble fitting in with his peers. He enjoyed reading, listening to music, puppetry, artistry and practicing his love for the piano. Even as a child he would perform puppet shows for his friends and he would pay close attention to see what they enjoyed most.

Faith, independence and music had helped Rogers develop his creative and artistic personality.

Rogers was so excited about television as it came to fruition. He saw it as an amazing medium for education. He saw it as a great way to engage children in a positive way. That is what he hoped it would be, until it became a tool for selling.

In 1953 Rogers got an opportunity to be on the ground floor of educational television on public television back in his home town. So he and his wife moved to Pittsburgh. Although he enjoyed his work at NBC, his only way up now was to become an executive and he knew he wanted to remain creative.

While working on the public television show, The Children’s Corner, Rogers remained devoted to becoming a minister. In 1955 he began studying, part-time at seminary while he continued to work.

Rogers and his wife welcomed their first son, Jim in 1959, Their second son, John was born in 1961.

Rogers earned his Master of Divinity, Magna Cum Laude, after 8 years of study in 1963. During the time he was studying for seminary, Rogers was also studying child development under the tutelage of Dr. Margaret McFarland at the Arsenal Family and Children’s Center in preparation to combine Roger’s love for children and ministry to create Mister Roger’s Neighborhood.

Rogers went to Canada and with the help of Fred Rainsberry, a well-connected television executive, that believed, as Rogers, that children should not be sold to, they created Misterogers. The show was 15 minutes long and showed daily from 1963 to 1967 nationally. Many of our favorite things about Mister Roger’s Neighborhood were part of MIsterogers.

When it was time to create Mister Roger’s Neighborhood, Rogers based it on his hometown, which he loved. Joseph Horne of Joseph Horne Department Store was the first advertiser. Rogers stood strong with his belief that children should not be sold to. The department store was listed at the beginning and the end of each 15 minute show as the sponsor. The store saw a noticeable growth. When the contract of 13 episodes was over, Rogers had to find more funding. With the help of many friends, including crowds of parents and children, sponsors were found, including Sears Roebuck Foundation.

1968 was the first year for Mister Rogers Neighborhood and Rogers knew exactly what he wanted. He knew children learned best in a blend of reality and make believe and that is what he gave them. He encouraged his musicians to play musically complex songs, as they would for adults. Other musicians knew his show was the “hippest” music of the day.

Rogers was always fighting for quality children’s television. In 1969 he spoke before the Senate Sub-Committee on Communications to share his belief in the importance of Public Television and his words kept the funding in place. The recorded works of his speech were used again in 2017 when the funds for Public Television were on the chopping block again.

In an interview between King and Roger’s oldest son we can learn: “Whatever his personal foibles, Jim Rogers observes, his father had only one real touchstone: ‘Being who you are was so important to him that the only thing that would really upset him was phoniness. As long as I was being genuine, honest, he respected that.’ He adds: ‘I think all Dad really ever wanted for John or me was to be happy and pleased with who we are.’” Chapter 9

Mister Roger’s Neighborhood won 4 Emmys. Roger’s won a Lifetime Achievement Award in 1997.

I was almost overwhelmed with the amount of information available in this book but I learned a lot about Mr. Rogers from The Good Neighbor The Life and Work of Fred Rogers by Maxwell King. I am glad I read it. I had many memories of watching his show that brought back good feelings for me. Mr. Rogers truly made an impact on my life and he still does. I highly recommend this book.

I got this book from the Longview Public Library you can get your own copy of The Good Neighbor The Life and Work of Fred Rogers by Maxwell King on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

The Good Neighbor: The Life and Work of Fred Rogers by Maxwell King
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This book was not a light read. I learned more than I expected about Mister Rogers and even myself. He is still one of my favorite icons and probably always will be, for good reason. He was exactly who you saw. He was authentic always and loved always. His life’s work was to reach children, to teach them to understand their feelings and express them in safe ways and to always be curious. He was not a simple man but in the world he created in Mister Roger’s Neighborhood any problem that could be talked about could be managed and that made it more simple.

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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: Act Like You Got Some Sense: And Other Things My Daughters Taught Me by Jamie Foxx

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 30, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

The first thing I think of when I think about Jamie Foxx is “ego”. That isn’t a bad thing. My wife, Karen G Clemenson, and I have pretty big egos but we are women and we live in Longview, Washington so we have learned to be creative with how we show them. Foxx, being a Black man, a stand-up comedian, musician, actor and general entertainer, he gets to swing his around a bit and it wasn’t a surprise to see it in his book, Act Like You Got Some Sense: And Other Things My Daughters Taught Me.

I wasn’t shocked at how intelligent Foxx is either, I think you must be very smart to do stand-up and improv but I really enjoyed his writing too. I had a hard time putting his book down which did surprise me. I appreciated the stories Foxx told about his grandparents, who raised him and how he felt about his parents that were around but not available to him and how this made him very aware of what he didn’t want to do as a parent with his two daughters.

He was honest about mistakes he made as he learned how to be a parent and how he improved. Communication and connection are very important to Foxx and that was something that tried hard to work on with his parents even after he was an adult, as well as with his girls. Forgiveness and boundaries are also important lessons he has taught his girls.

One thing that Foxx made me consider that surprised me, is that each state is its own place. As Foxx described the vast differences between his home state of Texas and where he lives now, in California, Foxx had great pride in his home state, while he enjoys where he is now. I don’t know why I had never thought about that before but it took 46 years for me to come to this place to consider that each of our 50 states has its own laws, customs and expectations. With a Presidential election coming, it makes me realize that the President of The United States has a the job of getting 50 states with different laws, expectations and customs to go in the general same direction. Wow! That doesn’t count all the other stuff they do. I know it isn’t related…but Jamie Foxx brought me to this thought process. I amazed too!

Although I don’t prefer all of Foxx’s language, I really enjoyed this book, and he explains that he is not going to censor himself, so I know I am getting his authentic self, which I do appreciate. What I loved the most about this book is that I could feel how much love his grandparents had for him and how much love he has for his girls and his family. I highly recommend this book.

I got this book from the Longview Public Library you can get your own copy of Act Like You Got Some Sense: And Other Things My Daughters Taught Me by Jamie Foxx on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads

Act Like You Got Some Sense: And Other Things My Daughters Taught Me by Jamie Foxx
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Jamie Foxx never fails to surprise me. His writing is engaging. I hardly wanted to put this book down.

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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: The Gospel of Wellness by Rina Raphael

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 23, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Fuel Your Wellness, Opinions

I first saw this book on the bed at my sister’s house and was interested. Jamie never gives any clues away, so I was totally shocked that The Gospel of Wellness by Rina Raphael was not what I was expecting. I learned a lot, yet I am not sure I was the target market for this book. (more…)

It Is Time to Increase My Mood Stabilizers

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 17, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions, Wellness

I met with my psychiatrist last Friday and spoke with him about my concerns with things that were happening inside my head that were causing me stress. October through February were the hard months for my custodial parent, so I have a hard time in these months too. Plus the holidays are here and they had their own bag of not so fun goodies. We had kept me at the lowest dose I could stand because the Luvox was giving me headaches but that we before we found proof, via MRI, that I have had migraines for most of my life and began treating them. It is time to increase my mood stabilizers.

I don’t act on what happens in my head. I am in control of myself. Even my psychiatrist felt that that the screaming and crying I hear in my head is a part of myself that remembers the pain and not me wanting to hurt myself or anyone. I do have visions of inappropriate behavior but that is usually when I am angry. I try very hard to not get angry to a certain point. In the past I have blacked out and hurt people. I don’t ever want that to happen again. So when the visions start, which are a precursor to the black outs, I walk out of the room and calm down. Along with myself, I promised myself I would never hurt anyone on purpose a long time ago. Violence is not OK, ever.

As the holidays come closer I have more and more dreams about family members of the past. I think about moments and I feel old feelings. I don’t mean to. I don’t want to. I realized today that I don’t trust women because of the type of situations I was raised in. I don’t have much to say about men either. Most of the time the men in my life were working or doing their own thing, until they were needed. They just weren’t around much.

I was raised by a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder. I found the paperwork one day, by accident. I was looking for pictures for a photo album in their desk. BPD is a terrible mental illness to live with. From what I can remember, my parent put all their energy into working and they did that well. But when they came home, understandably they were exhausted and any self-control they had was spent. That self-hatred that comes with mental illness was there. I often didn’t know what parent would come home. I seemed to have several, of different ages. I don’t have a lot of memories because I have blocked most of them out, but I have lots of fears. That kind of fear doesn’t let you trust. I know my parent loves me and has always wanted the best for me, I also know that while I was growing up there were no reliable treatments for this mental illness. They gave me the best they had, and I know they were the best option available to me, but I still suffered.

My step-mother had her own issues. I am not going to go into a lot of details but she never earned my trust, but pushed it away. I know she had her own trauma experiences growing up. I am not a trained therapist or psychologist but I would not be surprised if she didn’t have her own diagnosis. My father loves her and I respect that but that keeps me away, especially since my siblings are so much like both my mothers. Both women have good and bad qualities but I find myself to be very defensive around them; I am not sure they are able to see the healthy, more balanced version of Summer that I have matured into.

I am hoping the increased meds will help quiet things in my head. I am going to talk to God about these new things I have noticed about myself. I want to get better. For my sake and the sake of people who I have yet to meet. Its ok to need to get help. I am thankful that I have a team that works well with me.

Borderline personality disorder by Mayo Clinic Staff

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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: Koshersoul: The Faith and Food Journey of an African American Jew by Michael W. Twitty

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 9, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Food, Life, Opinions, Queer Community

…So I was digging through this bag of books my sister gave me and I found this book with colorful pictures and food on the cover and was excited to read it, thinking I would learn a lot about food but was surprised when I learned so much more. Koshersoul: The Faith and Food Journey of an African American Jew by Michael W. Twitty is a book about just that, a journey, but not just by Twitty, but the other people he has met along the way.

Being Jewish is not just a religion, it is a culture. It is a generally led through the mother so gender is important. Most people have been led to believe that Jews are white/caucasian or Middle Eastern but there are Jews all over the world and many are Black and they have been left out of the conversation much of the time. If you’re a Black Jew, as in most situations, you are a color before you are anything else, as dictated by society’s standard.

“Your place in the mishpocheh, the family, and how you navigate that place, not just with others but within yourself — that is the bootcamp of identity, especially intersectional identity, and it’s where you find your special truth that only you can bring to the table.” Chapter 3

Mishpocheh (mesh-poh-keh) is Yiddish for kinfolk or people that are from where you are from. Yiddish is a transition language between German and the Jewish person’s original language just as Ebonics wasn’t bad English, originally, but a transition between native tongues and English. Twitty doesn’t go into detail about Ebonics beyond this but the fact that people still use Ebonics, does cause my wife’s skin to crawl because it is reminder of being enslaved that should be let go while we celebrate liberation.

One reason I love to read is that it stretches my brain. I really look forward to reading some more about Jewish culture, and then re-reading this book. Twitty uses a lot of Jewish terms without explaining them and although I did find a glossary at the end of the book, and I did Google several terms while I was reading, I think I will better appreciate this book after reading some more on the culture. He did try to explain the words that make up the main tile for the book:

“Kosher” is a standard of ritual fitness according to Jewish dietary laws and sometimes to other parts of Jewish material culture and ritual observance because G-d says so and because it connects other Jews.

“Soul” has its own connotations of soul food, soul music, soul people, soul dancing. However, soul food, has come to mean both African American vernacular cuisine and the comfort food core traditions of other folk cuisines. Soul means a certain vibe and feeling, an earthiness and peace with yourself and your people. Soul food is based on the ingredients: corn, tomatoes, peppers, pineapples and peanuts which were ready available to enslaved people.

About the People

“Loving yourself means you remember you are betzelem Elokim — made in G-d’s image — as much as any other person. It means that G-d has love for you as an LGBTQ person and that your struggles and strengths matter to our Creator. In the LGBTQ community, we have conflicts between one another as men and women, cis and trans, white — identified and people of color, disabled and not, wealthy and financially challenged. Your duty is to apply the best of Jewish values — mainly a concern for the stranger and those in need, and the urge to support the oppressed — because we were all of those in the time of our enslavement and captivity, and we are duty bound to be compassionate and loving and empathetic. Be grateful and thankful for your difference in the world and for the opportunity to feel for others what you feel for others.” Chapter 11; Mayseh; The Letter I Always Wanted to Write

The relationship between people and food helps bring groups together which is why “Jewish” food is a vast word.

Jewish people have been judged and ridiculed everywhere they have been — it is sad to know why it is easy to see why they have failed to reach out to marginalized Black folks — Jews or otherwise. To reach out to Black people would bring them into the position of abuse. White Supremacy has brought division and fear here too.

“We are here to be family to one another, to exist for the sake of others, even as others exist for our sake.” Chapter 1

I have been interested in learning about Jewish culture for some time and I am thankful that I read this book. I believe it has reminded me to learn more about this culture. As a Jesus follower, I see it as learning another part of my Savior, but also I believe we are all connected and learning about other cultures helps me to see me in the world better. There are some wonderful recipes, interesting cultural references and great personal stories throughout this book which make it a fascinating read. I highly recommend it, although it can get a little dry here and there, it is easy to overlook.

I got this book from my sister, Jamie Holloway, you can get your copy of Koshersoul: The Faith and Food Journey of an African American Jew by Michael W. Twitty on Amazon.com.

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Koshersoul: The Faith and Food Journey of an African American Jew by Michael W. Twitty
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I was not expecting what I got when I picked up this book but I enjoyed what I got. Twitty is a well-read person with lots of words and I did have to look several up, which I kind of enjoyed. I plan to read this book again, after I have read a few more books on Jewish culture, and have a better understanding of some of the basics. I enjoyed the many contributors and viewpoints Twitty shared and his personal point of view, it really helped me see outside of myself. I also look forward to exploring some of the recipes.

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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: Yoga Pant Nation by Laurie Gelman

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 7, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Life, Opinions

I had been reading some really heavy books before I picked up Yoga Pant Nation by Laurie Gelman, so I was looking forward to something light and hopefully funny when I chose this one out of the bag of books I had got from my sister. At first I was little let down by the commonality of the home life of Jennifer Dixon, the main character, who spends a lot of her time raising her 5th grade son, Max and watching her 2-year-old granddaughter, Maude a few days a week.

As a lot of busy moms do, she lives in her yoga pants; even I as I write this, I am wearing yoga pants and my baby has four legs and says meow. In her defense, Jen and her husband, Ron, actually own a string of yoga studios but even he, would like to see Jen try harder than her “dressy” yoga pants every once and a while.

Throughout the book, Jennifer takes on leading a spin class, helps her aging parents through some growing pains, leads the grade school’s fundraising group through the most successful year ever and supports one daughter through a career change and another through a custody battle where every ends up with a smile on their face, especially granddaughter, Maude.

I almost put this book down. It was so common, but Gelman did a great job developing the characters and making them real to me. I had to find out how everything turned out. In the end, it was a pleasure to read.

I would like to thank my sister, Jamie Holloway for loaning this book to me. You check this book out at the Longview Public Library or you can buy your own copy of Yoga Pant Nation by Laurie Gelman on Amazon.

Read my Review on GoodReads:

Yoga Pant Nation by Laurie Gelman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Easy read. Kind of boring but a nice change from the books I had read previously, however toward the end the family had pulled me in and I was cheering them on.

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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Wellness Hurts Sometimes

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 4, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions, Prayers

I have come to believe, from my own experience, and not from any research, that there are many ways to harmony and balance and wellness hurts sometimes. There are more than one type of wellness and these include: physical, mental, and spiritual wellness and all require a certain amount of boundaries, affirmations and expectations of ourselves to protect the one thing we can control; ourself. If we don’t care for ourself then how will we care for others. Jesus told us to give out of abundance not out of want; He told us to rest and find joy in His peace. Those sound like the recipe for boundaries to me…

This week has been hard. Actually it started last week with PTSD flash backs. I didn’t even want to write because I was afraid of what would come out of me. I don’t like to relive things and I don’t like to feed the negativity either. Some of my stories might be told someday but they should be told by a Summer that is in control of herself and not by a Summer that is in torment. I was thankful when I finally had a funny memory, a few days ago about one of my abusers; I knew I was coming out of it. Not all of my life was stressful and terrible. There were good days too.

When one of my siblings was born there was a commercial for Budweiser Beer that had a frog that said,” Bud bud, bud, bud bud, bud, bud bud, Budweiser!” As the older sibling, I noticed that they enjoyed this sound and I often would say the bud part without Budweiser to them to make them laugh. No matter how old they were, or usually what mood they were in, I could get them to laugh if I did this. Even as an adult. When they became a parent, I tried it on their child. I don’t remember if their child cared…although their cousins love it! But I do remember my sibling sitting behind them with a smile on their face, trying not to laugh.

It made me laugh to think about it. I was glad to have that memory after a week of terrible memories that felt brand new. No matter how often I would try to remind myself that I was here now. I was 46 years old and not 9 or 12 or 16 years old. I would pet Xavier who wasn’t born yet and think about that fact. I would remind myself that those people are not in my life anymore because I chose to stay away from them. I would remind myself that I had Karen and she loved me like I always wanted to be loved. It is such a struggle when it feels brand new, but you know it isn’t.

I have a friend that has been going through this too. I was trying to comfort them on Facebook and in their angst they thought I was criticizing them. I had to remind them that I was trying to be supportive. They don’t have a Karen. Part of my strength is that I have a partner that can remind me that I am here now and not there anymore. The hardest part is when she is at work. My friend doesn’t have a partner.

I did contact my therapist last week. She was glad to set up 2 appointments a month for me. She knows between October to February are my hard times. We couldn’t do a second session in October but I have two appointments set up for November. I had hoped I was far enough along in my healing that I could stay at one session a month but real strength is knowing that I need help and asking for it.

This week is a Fibromyalgia flare from hell. I am not surprised. Fibro is connected to trauma and emotions. Fibro is caused by an prolonged psychological stress and genetics, I have both of these factors. After a week of being stressed to the max, I am not surprised that my normal dull roar is now an screaming banshee at times and walking or lifting my arms above my head is an exercise in emotional strength and a shower is a time to cry and pray and when it is over a time to cry and praise God that I made it through. Sleeping is torn between hot flashes, nightmares or stressful dreams where I am in terrible pain and waking in terrible pain. But I will gladly take this over PTSD flashbacks…

I told this to my friend when I was checking in with them on Messenger. I am glad they were ok when I reached out to them.

We all have our triggers. Campaign season is hard on my friend, understandably…Mine are the holidays. I am wondering if I should put a disclaimer out there that I have a weird sense of humor about holidays because until the last few years, I had never had a holiday without fighting involved. I hate fighting.

Karen and I were watching a rerun of Reba, last night and they were fighting over who’s house they would have Thanksgiving at and who would cook. As a child of divorced parents, I thought the answer was easy…have two Thanksgivings. I tell you what, if you are invited to a Thanksgiving at my house and a fight breaks out, I will pack up dinner quicker than a fork can hit the floor and we will reschedule for another day. Holidays are supposed to be peaceful and they don’t have to have anything to do with a day on a calendar, in my mind.

I have been thinking about making a sign to hang near the door that says: If you can’t keep the peace in this home, take a walk, take a nap or take a hike…and I totally mean it.

I have learned that wellness hurts sometimes. There are side effects from important medications and even from a stay in the hospital. My dear sister, Jamie Holloway, is suffering with some terrible wounds caused by water retention she had from her last stay in the hospital. She is exhausted and begging for a break. I wish I could do more than pray and congratulate her for being diligent in advocating for herself. Sometimes healthy boundaries for one person, hurts another person but must stay, for the first person’s mental health. There are times you might have to lose out on a promotion at work because you need to say no to the early morning meetings, so you can have some needed quiet time so you are balanced.

I encourage you to look at your life and see where you can create healthy boundaries and balance in your life even if it is painful at first. When you get used to it, it might be the best thing you did for yourself.

Fibromyalgia by Mayo Clinic Staff

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

This Is My Hard Time of Year

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 28, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life

I know a lot of people that have a certain time of year that is more of a struggle for them than others and this is my hard time of the year; October to February were the months that my custodial parent struggled and so that is the time that my hardest memories live and I tend to relive them. I need to contact my therapist and increase my therapy sessions to twice a month, instead of once a month, I was hoping that I could stay with monthly but I am seeing that the cycles are repeating, as usual.

I was supposed to get up when my wife, Karen G Clemenson, went to work this morning, but I couldn’t. I fell back to sleep. When she came in for lunch today, she woke me from a dream where I was folding orange inmate jumpsuits. It was part of my duties because I was incarcerated for a short time. They didn’t have jumpsuits in my size so I had to purchase my own. I was being told to take good care of mine so that when I had to come back I could bring them with me. I figured as much. What a dream.

Stressful dreams and nightmares are normal for me but more common in this time of year. I sleep a lot more because I don’t get good rest when I having these dreams, plus with the cold weather I have a lot more pain and that is another reason for bad sleep. When I tried to wake up today Veda was here, that is what I call depression, it implies she is a visitor, instead of something I can’t overcome and maybe she will only be here for a short visit.

I know this visit from Veda was triggered by someone that asked my wife if she was the sister-in-law of my sibling. It shouldn’t bother me but it does. My siblings have made it abundantly clear that they want no part of my life. All those wonderful Hallmark cards that describe sisters are only describing, Jamie Holloway, and in no way will I call my siblings sisters and take away from Jamie who has been there for every fun event, diagnosis and growth moment in my life. I have invited my siblings, I have gone to theirs, when invited, I have loved their children with all my heart, until I was told to stop contacting them and then I loved them in my heart and prayers and hoped that when they were 18-years-old, they might choose to see me.

Longview, Washington is not as small as people think it is. But it is small enough. It has been big enough that I have never run into people I don’t want to run into but small enough that I can hear about people I don’t want to know about. I wish that the one sibling that lives here, that I have forgiven, but I can never trust, would just let me and my wife go. Just don’t talk about us. You don’t want us in person, why talk about us when we aren’t there? I promise you I don’t talk about you. Why would I? I realize I have aired my laundry a few times but I have grown beyond that, now I just want to try to heal and I don’t need any help being reminded of my past. PTSD does that for me.

I am so looking forward to spring when the crocuses and daffodils start blooming!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

God, Meds and Self-Care

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 26, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

There are three things I have to be attune to every day to be balanced: God, meds and self-care. Beyond these three things, my activities can vary within a given day, but I have to give a nod to these three things to remain in my best self. I think if I didn’t have mental and physical chronic illness these things might not be so profound but since I do, they are paramount.

I have a friend that lives with a lot with similar issues. They have been having a lot of struggles the last few years because they have different issues than I do and it is hard to find solutions and parameters that we can live with sometimes. They came to visit my wife, Karen G Clemenson, at work the other day. They let her know that they had dropped out of school. They needed more time to focus on their passion. They were so afraid I would be disappointed in them. I am not.

Today is a hard day for me. I pushed myself very hard yesterday AND the weather has changed, bringing more pain. I am anxious about blood clots. I am a little more anxious about a lot of things but that too is cyclical for me. I slept in. I did do my workout; it took a lot longer than usual and included tears in my eyes for most of it. I have taken my meds so far, until my night time meds are due. I have done my bible study and talked to God several times. I have put on my compression sock, done all my toiletries, got dressed, eaten appropriately, fed the cat and I am writing — I even went through the ads on Safeway’s and Fred Meyer’s websites…and worked on my budget for November…I have to make sure to remember to buy my mother-in-law some socks and Karen is out of ketchup…

Sometimes getting dressed means putting my nightgown back on but today I put clothes on. Sometimes writing is just the journaling I do while I do my bible study or notes I take while reading a book. Sometimes I don’t touch a book and I just lie in bed and talk to God. I understand having to change plans. If school is not part of the big picture for you and you feel like it is stealing time from your dream, don’t go. It doesn’t make sense to waste your time, money and energy on something that is not for you. What works for some people, might not be what will work for you.

What is important is that you find what does work for you. What are the three things you need every day to be balanced? Maybe it isn’t God, meds and self-care…maybe you don’t need medications…maybe you don’t believe in God…I hope you believe in some form of self-care…I also hope you do believe in a higher power but that is a different blog.

What are your three things?

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: Crazy Joy Finding Wild Happiness in a World That’s Upside Down by Mary Katherine Backstrom

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 20, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

On my last visit to see my sister, Jamie Holloway, she handed me a bag full of books to read. I accepted the challenge, knowing I would pass on these books to new readers when I was done. What a fun contest. One of the books in the bag was bright colored and promised to be fun. Crazy Joy, Finding Wild Happiness in a World That’s Upside Down by Mary Katherine Backstrom sounded exciting.

Right away Backstrom lets her readers know she has been diagnosed with bipolar 2, OCD, PTSD and ADHD so we know she has had some struggles but she herself is probably rather colorful. She says: Some days are blue but other days are manic but she likes how those feel; yes they are destructive but she feels like sunshine.

I enjoyed the introduction and then I couldn’t really follow Backstrom. I don’t know if there is such a huge difference in our ages, where we were raised or what, but try as I might I couldn’t follow her but I did love the questions she asked at the end of the chapters and that is where I got the most from the book.

My answers to questions from the chapters:

Chapter 1

I believe happiness is defined by how your pursue it until you decide what you want to be happy. I want a partner that supports and loves me no matter what. I want to have an idea of what I should do to cope with my chronic illnesses. I want to want to have dreams and the security to start planning for them. I have this. Besides this I have a solid relationship with God who provides all we need in His wisdom and perfect timing. I don’t think happiness is always what we think we want but it is the satisfaction that we are safe and we can build on a firm foundation.
Joy comes in moments where we allow forgiveness to heal resentments. Happiness and Joy are related. Happiness is a state of mind and Joy is like a new plateau as we grow toward love.

Chapter 2

If I could go back to my child-self what would I say? I would say: “I love you.” I would hug myself and say, “I believe in you. I love your smart brain and big heart and it is ok that no one understands you because God does. You are important. You are original and you will have to be very brave and ask yourself what you want. Take a walk every day because you enjoy it. You will never make anyone happy so make yourself happy and meet your responsibilities. Keep listening to that voice in your head.” Most of this I would say in my head because my younger self wouldn’t be able to process this but I would hold her hand and love her with all my heart.

Chapter 3

I think cemeteries are beautiful and peaceful. I have enjoyed exploring them and wondering about the people buried there.
I want my dash to grow every day. I am not afraid to die and I am not generally sad when people die because I believe our souls are eternal and our mortal bodies hold us back — so I just want to feed my soul as much as I can while I am on earth and try to encourage others as well.
I think we we take our love with us and God tells us to rejoice a lot so we must take our joy with us when we die, although I have never contemplated it until now. This makes me appreciate God even more because He is so good.

Chapter 4

I was taught I had to have a beautiful home and things to be happy; money in the bank and trips planned. But you know what? I don’t. Those things might be nice, when I ready for them, but I trust God and He obviously thinks I am not there yet, so my world is small, but my bills are paid and I have what I need and enough to share and I am happy.

Chapter 5

When my self-talk gets negative, I correct myself and forgive myself and then I say something positive like: I am getting better at staying in the now, or I feel stronger when I do my workout daily.
God tells me He chose me and He is with me always. My wife tells me I am beautiful and important. I tell myself I am intelligent and able — I think I am hearing good things. It used to be hard for me to accept praise because it used to come with a backhanded judgement, but I am healing from that. Now I am trying to just be grateful.

Thank you to my sister, Jamie, for loaning me her copy of this book although what I got out of it was unconventional, maybe you will connect with her better than I could. You can buy your own copy of Crazy Joy Finding Wild Happiness in a World That’s Upside Down by Mary Katherine Backstrom on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

Crazy Joy: Finding Wild Happiness in a World That’s Upside Down by Mary Katherine Backstrom
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Backstrom writes in a friendly fashion but I couldn’t relate very well. I did enjoy her questions at the end of each chapter, that is where I found the most growth for myself.

View all my reviews

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: I Will Not Fear My Story of a Lifetime of Building Faith Under Fire by Melba Pattillo Beals

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 14, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

I recently had the opportunity to read I Will Not Fear My Story of a Lifetime of Building Faith Under Fire by Melba Pattillo Beals and I was so touched by her story. Every moment, it seemed, of this woman’s life was a tribute to faith and strength and it spoke to my soul.

Melba Pattillo Beals was born on December 7, 1941, on Pearl Harbor Day at Missouri Pacific Hospital. It was a whites only hospital but since her father worked there and her grandmother promised that Bishop Riley, a black pastor that had a lot of respect in the town, would be appreciative if an acceptation was made in their case, since it was obvious that the baby was too large for her mother to deliver without help, they were allowed to stay in a storage room. They had to enter using the back door. No birth certificate would be administered with the hospital’s name on it. There would be no visitors allowed and only the mother, father and grandmother were allowed in the hospital.

Beals required forceps to be born which caused an infection that required surgery. The doctor ordered her head to be rinsed with Epson salts every 2 hours but the white nurses refused to care for the infant. As the baby’s temperature reached 105 degrees, the janitor heard their prayers and told them the orders he had overheard the doctor give the nurses. Beals’ grandmother went to the store to purchase Epson salts and took care of the baby herself and she was able to go home in 3 days.

15 years later in September of 1957, Beals was chosen as one of the Little Rock Nine. She was One of 9 students chosen by the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) to integrate Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas. This decision was not supported by the local people. It had been made by the United States Supreme Court, who stated that separate was not equal and all schools must integrate.

Angry, rock-throwing mobs surrounded the school. The Ku Klux Klan rode every night and more frequently in the neighborhood Beals lived in. The local newspaper listed the student’s addresses and phone numbers which brought obscene phone calls and random bullets flying through windows.

On the first day of school the National Guard had been called in by the governor to keep the black students from entering the school. Beals saw her friend, Elizabeth, escape the angry mob to the safety of Mrs. Grace Lorch and Benjamin Fine from the New York Times. Beals and her mother were not so lucky. As the crowd threatened to rape and lynch them, Beals remembered her grandmother telling her that God was as close as her skin and so she prayed to God and they were able to reach their car and get away as the mob threw rocks and punched their car.

The governor called back the National Guard and began using State Troopers to keep the black children out of the school even though the NAACP told the students to stay home while they filed an injunction to prohibit the governor from blocking their entry.

Monday September 23, 1957 the 9 students were led into the school by local police. There were given class assignments where none of them had any classes together. Not any white student or faculty wanted them there and it showed. By 11:30 am the black students had to be evacuated and taken home because the police could not control the violent mob outside. In response President Eisenhower sent the 101st Airborne Division of the US Army — The Screaming Eagles, the heroes of the Korean War — to guard that black students and keep the peace.

Wednesday September 25, 1957, 9 children were escorted by armed 101st Division Soldiers, helicopters flew overhead and troopers galloped back and forth across 2 blocks in front of the high school. Each student had 2 soldiers each. This didn’t stop all the abuse but Beal’s hopes rose that she would get a good education.

Lessons Beals Learned Through Her High School Experience:

The President sending troops to protect black students was a miracle.
It’s God’s plan that prevails — not our’s.
You can’t change other people, only yourself.
Integrating the school was not about the 9 students but about the generations to come.
There is not time for worry — you must be aware and alert about now so you can cope with day to day attacks.
Segregation took away opportunities but mostly self-esteem.
Always be grateful.
Always forgive.

During the summer of 1958 Governor Foubus had a private white school built and closed all public schools. Since they weren’t using tax dollars there was nothing the government could do. The 5 remaining students from the original Little Rock Nine that hadn’t been expelled, had to wait to see what the NAACP told them to do.

Beal’s grandmother also died around this time and it was a great trial for her to go through. Although she spent the morning studying she used the rest of the day doing what her grandmother had used to do to keep the house going for her family.

In 1959 the NAACP sent Beals to Santa Rosa, CA to finish her senior year. The KKK had put posters up offering cash rewards for the death of the 9 students and it was not longer safe for them to stay in Little Rock. No one told Beals that the NAACP was run by white people in Santa Rosa or the family she would be staying with was also white before she got there. This was a huge adjustment for her, but eventually she learned that these people were not going to hurt her and she built loving relationships with them. This was truly a life-changing experience for her. The McCabe family taught Beals that white didn’t mean freedom. Freedom was a mindset that we can all enjoy.

As Beals started college, at 19-years-old, she met and married Jay, a white man. He did not care about skin color and he helped her heal from the pain in the past. But he also wanted her at home. He wanted a traditional wife that was happy to stay at home, cooking, cleaning, and being a mommy. But Beals wanted an education and a career and married life was not working. Their marriage ended but it produced a beautiful daughter and Beals left with positive and loving thoughts of Jay.

Beals was offered a scholarship at Columbia University in New York. Her daughter went to stay with her mother in Little Rock. Afterward she went back to California to fill a position as a news reporter at KQED. Later she moved to KRON TV and soon realized she was facing a quiet form of racism. She prayed to God for guidance and then stood up for herself and let her bosses know if this behavior remained she would have to gain the support of the NAACP. She knew she was given a big responsibility and didn’t want to fail.

By following her heart and God’s lead, Beals was able to push beyond the fluffy stories female reporters were usually restricted to in the 1970’s. She covered several serious crimes and impressed her male colleagues and helped women see they could have the future they wanted. She also moved on to self-employment doing public relations and authoring books.

On Tuesday November 9, 1999 the Little Rock Nine received the Congressional Gold Medal.

Throughout Beals’ life she overcame adversity by praying to God and following her heart. She kept her mind strong and never lost faith. This book is not just one inspirational story but several over one woman’s lifetime. Beals is a good writer and her words compel you to continue turning the pages.

Thank you to my sister, Jamie Holloway, for loaning me the copy of the book I read. You can get your own copy of I Will Not Fear My Story of a Lifetime of Building Faith Under Fire by Melba Pattillo Beals on Amazon.com

Read my Review on Goodreads:

I Will Not Fear: My Story of a Lifetime of Building Faith Under Fire by Melba Pattillo Beals
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I found this book to be very inspiring. Beals writes in a way that is easy to absorb while imagining her ordeals vividly. She is a strong woman with a powerful voice.

View all my reviews

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Coming Home

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 13, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions, Wellness

I mentioned coming home in my blog, I Had to Paint my Toenails Today and said it was a process. I was talking about when you have been away from home for a period of time. If I were returning from military deployment, the Military Family Readiness System would available to me to help me re-engage with my family and life at home. But what I was really talking about was returning to myself.

As long as I can remember I have been trying to understand why I didn’t fit and why I wasn’t happy. I had moments of happy but they didn’t last. About 25 years ago I tried medication and therapy but had a very bad reaction because my doctors weren’t listening to me so I quit. 20 years ago I really jumped in and began digging in myself with God and a trusted pastor and we got a lot of things out of the way. This helped me through until about 8 years ago when I got physically sick and had a mental break down. I knew that this time, there were parts of me that were not going to come back. I was diligent, honest with myself and with the help of my wife, Karen G Clemenson, and my sister, Jamie Holloway, and a team of medical professionals I found an action plan that worked for me. Karen is my rock and soldier and Jamie taught me to be brave and speak for myself.

A couple of weeks ago I was reading a book and suddenly realized I was happy. It was a sudden realization. My expectations of happiness have changed a lot. I now understand that happiness is a state of mind. Nothing you can buy has anything to do with happiness. Happiness is more about having what you need and the freedom to dream. I have those things. I stopped everything and told Karen, who seemed just as surprised as I was. This is part of being home.

When I say coming home, I am not just talking about coming back to where I live but also to my action plan. There are things I do every day that keep me balanced and yesterday was the first day I did them all. It took me 6 days, where I did most or some of them, but not all of them, but on the 6th day I made it. These things are not so big, but they are vital to me and showing myself self-love.

This is my every day list:

My morning anaerobic workout
My toiletries and skin care
Get dressed
Make sure I have my steel cut oats for tomorrow and eat them for breakfast
Drink plenty of water or tea
Do my bible study and journal
Take meds when the 3 alarms go off (thank God for pill sorters)
Read and write something
Take 2 short walks – This one is new!

I do other things every day but these are the must do’s. When I do these things I know I am taking care of what I need to feel like I have cared for my physical, mental and spiritual needs. In this world we often get so busy that we neglect one or all of these things and we should not do this. Each of us is not just a body but a mind and a spirit and we have to foster health in all areas or we become unbalanced and we lose our feeling of home.

I always thought it was selfish to make time for myself until I got sick. When you get chronically ill you learn that if you don’t create as much balance in your life as you can, you will cause more flares. In a way, this is a gift because it forces you to learn to love yourself. God tells us to rest because He knows we are fragile and He knows we need time to recuperate from our hectic lives.

If you don’t have a routine of self-love for everyday, I encourage you to create one. Maybe you don’t have to do as many things as I do. I didn’t start with a list this long. It took years to get here. But maybe you could find one thing you could do for yourself and when you get used to doing that everyday, add another. You are important. You are your home. You wouldn’t let your roof keep leaking so don’t let your body, mind and spirit go without care.

Military Family Readiness System by Military One Source Staff on August 31, 2022

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacker

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 12, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

So my wife, Karen G Clemenson, brought this book home from the library and I ended up reading it. There were times it was hard to read because I could feel some of the author’s pain but I am glad I read Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacker. Hornbacker’s struggle was real and relatable. This is her story and she openly shares how she self-medicated for many years before she was able to come up with an action plan that works for her and her family and loved ones to deal with her bipolar disorder type 1.

In the 1970’s psychiatry knew little about bipolar disorder – we didn’t even know it by that name until the 1980’s. Many people with bipolar disorder were wrongly diagnosed with schizophrenia. In the 90’s people were misdiagnosed with unipolar depression. “Mental Illness” was rarely discussed.

In order to control the mania and rapid cycling moods she went through, Hornbacker manifested the following coping mechanisms from age 6-13 year of age:

Depression starts in 1981
Obsessive prayer starts in 1983
Anorexia and Bulimia starts in 1984
Alcohol abuse starts in 1985
Cutting starts in 1988

Mental illness runs in her father’s family. Her father lives with depression. Hornbacker’s symptoms began to show as early as age 4. Although she had the full support from her family, doctors often didn’t know what to do to help her. Even with her anorexia and bulimia, Hornbacker felt that doctors often treated the symptoms of the eating disorders but often missed the actual mental illness that was the real cause, wreaking havoc on the person’s mind.

Many times, as Hornbacker seeks help, doctors are not listening to her. The therapist she is seeing in 1995 doesn’t care that emotions are manic or that she cuts daily. She asks if she is journaling, tells Hornbacker to appreciate her success with eating and continue with her self-care. That night she accidentally cuts too deep.

In 1996 Hornbacker gets married to Julian. She has manic fits at night and terrorizes the house, drives like a maniac until she heads home to pass out and compulsively shops. The marriage lasts 2 years.

Hornbacker fails to tell doctors of her extreme drinking and no sleep. She doesn’t eat, she drinks tons of coffee and doesn’t take her pills regularly, if at all. By August 2000 she has a complete meltdown that lands her in a lock-down facility. She is told if she doesn’t stop drinking she will never get better.

In 2002, Hornbacker is 28-years-old and has been sober for a year. She has remarried to Jeff and her bipolar is in remission. As she relaxes she begins her same patterns of working and playing too hard…after 7 hospitalizations…

“Some people with bipolar have only one major episode, or have several and then go into remission and live years without them ever coming back. My bipolar, ultra-rapid-cycle-type-1, is tough to treat, and the doctors have warned me that it will probably put in the hospital again. But they can’t say how often, or when it will happen next. So I have two choices: live in constant fear that the next episode is just around the corner, waiting to attack, or live as if by doing the right things to keep myself well, the episodes will never come again,” Chapter 43

Hornbacker is one of the lucky ones, surrounded by a loving family and close friends that will take time to be with her when she shouldn’t be alone and have her hospitalized when she needs more care than they can provide, which is something that is part of her reality. She has times of clarity and times of confusion, but she is always loved.

“That’s what madness looks like: a small woman in baggy red pajamas sitting on a kitchen chair, her feet dangling above the ground, trying to figure out how to eat an eclair while everyone she knows and loves watches her closely, as if she’s a rat in a cage, to see what will happen next.” Chapter 47

Facts from 2008:

2.8% of the United State population has bipolar disorder
25% of bipolar patients have attempted suicide
There is no drug that specifically treats bipolar
50% of people with bipolar disorder are not being treated at all

I am really glad I read this book. I find myself inspired by the changes in our mental health profession and I have hope that more people are more comfortable talking about mental illness. We must make this topic so common place that we can talk about it anywhere. There is no shame in being sick or needing help. Yes, there are some people that may not be able to function in society or may be dangerous but most people need to have a proper action plan and support to have a healthy and meaningful life. I am thankful for my team that has helped me find the proper medications for me and the right amount of therapy sessions I need and the right schedule and healthy coping mechanisms I need to keep my life in balance so I can be a blessing to my family. I am thankful that Marya Hornbacker has these things too.

I checked my book out at The Longview Public Library. Buy your own copy of Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacker on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Riveting, gut-wrenching, powerful! Hornbacher is amazingly strong and I admire her honesty. I could hardly put this book down.

View all my reviews

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I Had to Paint my Toenails Today

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 11, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

Coming home is a process and sometimes each day has only enough spoons for that day and not enough for coming home. My last procedure for my endometrial cancer was in August and I was told to remove my toenail polish, all my jewelry and wash from head to toe with antibacterial soap twice and wash all my bedding and clothes I would wear to bed the night before and to the hospital. I have been home 5 days from my bout with deep vein thrombosis and pulmonary embolism but I am still not totally here…so I had to paint my toenails today.

If you aren’t chronically ill or aren’t close to someone who is, you might not know what I am talking about when I mention spoons, but basically, it is a way of talking about how much energy you have. If you are my wife, with untreated ADHD, you have many more spoons than I do. If you are a normal middle-aged woman you might have twice as many more spoons as I do…the number of spoons I have varies depending on how much pain I am in, what I did the day before, how much anxiety or depression is affecting me today and if there is something else happening that I don’t know about, like DVT or PE.

I never did repaint my toenails after my procedure in August. There have been lots of reasons why. Sometimes it is hard to come back home after being in the hospital and I just didn’t do it. But it is a vanity that makes me feel like myself and I should have done it as soon as I could sit up.

Having cancer has been not unlike any other diagnosis for me. I know it is there. I take my meds as prescribed. I drink my water. I have cut out some more of my favorite foods. (I should premise that my favorite foods have included tomatoes, pineapple, peppers, chilis, curries, and many other healthy foods). I do my exercises. I try to stay positive. I show up at the hospital when they tell me to. I planned it that way. In fact my diagnosis for arthritis bothered me more, it is not curable and it is debilitating. With cancer there is a chance it will be cured. The fact that I have cancer has made my body more susceptible to blood clots and the hormone treatments has also increased my chances at blood clots.

Enter DVT and PE…I was reading about them today. I am taking my blood thinners. Not the old, less expensive ones but the new and very expensive ones (donations can be sent via PayPal to karen@wellnessworksnw.com…I am not joking…these meds cost double what we usually spend on ALL my meds for an entire month, after insurance). We chose the new ones because the old ones have lots of side effects, I would have to come in for blood tests weekly and I would have to give up even more of my favorite foods and there aren’t many left.

My breathing has gotten much better the last two days but I am still tired really easily. The articles I read said it could take 3-6 months for my body to break down these blood clots.There is a chance my body will never break them down. That is not where my mind is going.

I had an appointment with my rheumatologist today. I like her but she is located inside PeaceHealth St John. I was very stressed while being there. I am thankful that I didn’t have a full blown anxiety attack and my blood pressure was only slightly high…I have lost 10 lbs since I was weighed on Friday…this place makes me crazy. When I checked in, the receptionist kindly asked me if I would like a wheelchair. I thanked her but told her I needed my exercise. I want these blood clots gone. I may move slow, but I am trying to get back to me.

I am glad I painted my toenails today…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I am Here Now

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 10, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

I keep reminding myself that I am here now because it is the truth but my mind keeps slipping back to the past. I keep feeling the cords on me holding me down. I keeping hearing the beeping of the machines. I sometimes feel their hands on me holding me down and telling me not to help them because it makes it worse while they ripped my clothes off of me. I tried to tell them that I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD and I needed to be heard, but their rules were more important than me. My heart rate shooting up, sweating, and my hyperventilating were part of my new condition but they were probably part of mega anxiety attacks. Why couldn’t my wife be with me? She has seen all my parts. She is a trained CNA. She grounds me.

It has been hard to try to come back to my life. I keep slipping back into recent events and very old ones. I am always telling myself: I am here now. My emotional support animal, Xavier, is here. When she is not at work, my wife, Karen G Clemenson, is here. I have my diffuser going and air isn’t cold and dry, although I am still dealing with the after effects of 6 days of cold dry air. My sinuses are killing me and I my nose bleeds all the time. I would tell the nurses about the air and they would all say the same thing: Is it?

I told my friend about some of my experiences and she asked me why I had not changed into a gown when I was in ER and I had no answer. The ER department is very different from ICU. In ER, my wife could have helped me. I was well aware that I was very sick and in need of help, it would have taken me a long time to undress and dress myself but I trust Karen, in fact she is one of the only people I do trust.

I went to PeaceHealth St John with shortness of breath and chest pain on Sunday October 2, 2022. I had been having shortness of breath since the Wednesday before and thought maybe my asthma had been flaring up, although I haven’t had a flare in years; I have arthritis in my ribs so I am also used to some pain in my chest as well. Up until that day, taking a nap helped, and by the evening the pain was a strong 7 and I couldn’t fall asleep for the pain. I finally agreed that I am not Wonder Woman and since I had never had a heart attack before, what if this was what was happening?

They took me back to a triage room right away and I was given an EKG and my stats were checked. My numbers were off and my heart rate was thready. I was taken back to a room in the ER and also given a test for COVID…which I don’t have. Eventually a doctor came in and told me he thought I was having a heart attack because my heart was creating a hormone that tells that. I was going to be given blood thinners and admitted to the ICU. Eventually a wonderful nurse was following me down the hall, which I couldn’t walk down without leaning against the wall, trying not to pass out. She was listening to what I was saying and running to get a chair. After that she talked the doctor into a CAT scan where they found that I had a large blood clot in each of my lungs. One was putting pressure on the right side of my heart and stressing it out. I wasn’t having a heart attack but that was why my heart was creating that stress hormone.

The CAT scan was terrifying. The ride to get the CAT scan was terrifying. All the lights and colors and people not talking to me, but about me. I couldn’t focus. I can’t handle being man handled. I have no doubt that this team could care for me but they weren’t talking to me or asking me questions. I had never been to this hospital for this service before. My experiences with Legacy were very different. They tell me everything and listen to me; it helps me stay calm and be part of my experience. I know the medical professionals were doing their job at PeaceHealth St John but they were only treating my body, they were not considering my mental status and they were causing me trauma after trauma.

I was trying so hard not to cry. I knew no one would care if I cried and it would only stress my lungs out more. By the time I was admitted to ICU I was a mess and that was the worst experience ever. The nurse that led my experience of moving me from one bed to the other and ripping my clothes off, while refusing to listen to me at all, brought in a fan and wanted to know if we were best friends now. I couldn’t speak. I was terrified of her. Even as she put oxygen on me, which I knew I didn’t need, I kept it on because I was afraid of her.

The next morning they brought in an ultrasound machine to look at my legs and found more blood clots in my left leg. The technician came back the next day to have a look at my heart. He could see my heart was still stressed out on the right side. That ultra sound was super uncomfortable. The skin under my breast is very soft and it got all torn up. It is still healing and very painful. He was a very nice man and that wasn’t his goal but it was another blow to my experiences…

I did have one nurse that I really loved in ICU and she was the main nurse I worked with. She helped me a lot and I really appreciated her.

Every doctor said the same thing…that my blood pressure was good and that they could find no reason for the blood clots other than a reaction to the hormone therapy I am going through to treat my endometrial cancer…that will be another adventure…all of them seemed surprised that even though I was stuck in bed I was doing exercises every day. What else was I supposed to do? I was bored and I have arthritis? Movement is the only thing that works for me. Even if I can only do the easy ones…(My oncologist did take me off the Megestrol and said we talk more on my pre-op appointment later this month).

I spent 2 days in ICU and then I was moved to a regular room. I was still confined to a bed. The doctors wanted me to have a certain amount of days with blood thinners in me before I started moving around. Just like in the ICU they insisted I try to use a bed pan. I told them my body does what she wants, but go ahead and try…and just like in the ICU I sat on that thing until I lost feeling in my rear end, with no luck. Unlike in ICU, they didn’t put a catheter in (Thank God!) but they did bring in an ultrasound to see how much fluid was in my bladder. It was fine until morning and by that time the doctor felt I could get up and walk to the toilet. Was I glad to hear that!

By Thursday I was so done. My anxiety levels were off the chart, regardless of the extra meds the doctors prescribed and my blood pressure was starting to rise to showcase that. I was starting to have bouts of deep depression that I couldn’t shake and fleeting thoughts of suicide. My blood sugars are normally right around 100-120 but they were high every time they checked and I was losing patience with anyone touching me. I actually told off a few of the people who were there to help me. I just don’t like being touched and I needed to go home. I was so happy on Friday morning when I was told the doctors finally were setting me free!

Overall most of my nurses and CNAs were amazing during my stay at the hospital. They were helpful and compassionate, for the most part, but I don’t understand some of the philosophy differences and I am frustrated that the medical profession still does not assess the whole person. I have decided that I wont be going to PeaceHealth St John for my hospital needs anymore.

I am still winded very easily but I guess my body still has not broken down the blood clots. My body doesn’t feel like my own. I am having trouble getting back into my routine. I suppose this is normal. I am still learning what to do with this condition…but I am here now…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: Out of Darkness by Ashley Hope Perez

by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 30, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

Out of Darkness by Ashley Hope Perez starts out with an unlikely love story between a black boy and a Mexican girl but the theme of this story is loss. Loss after loss, piled on top of loss and then more loss. It shows us racism toward black people and Mexicans in a small town built only to dig for oil. The main family in the story is headed by a white man that has only known loss and can’t seem to grow beyond that lesson no matter how hard the local pastor tries to lead him.

This unlikely love story is daring, beautiful and cruel. It takes place around a real event: The New London School explosion on Thursday March 18, 1937 at 3:16 pm in New London, Texas; an all white school…except for the 3 Mexican children, Naomi, Beto and Cari, brought there by Henry Smith, Beto and Cari’s father and Naomi’s step-father.

It is well known that a local black boy, Wash, is seen regularly helping around that school to maintain the grounds. He was also there the day of the explosion. He pulled many bodies from the rubble. He was the perfect one to blame for the many losses to this community.

“Remember, son, when it comes to whites, ‘yesser, yessum’ is the only answer you know,” Chapter 6

Of course when the white people in town have suffered the loss of so many children they need someone to blame so they look to Wash, instead of facing the fact that it is just a terrible accident. No matter how hard they all try there is no setting anything right again.

I found this book in the Banned Books section at the Longview Public Library. There are a lot of tender subjects in this book and I can see why someone might not want to look so blatantly at racism, child abuse, alcoholism and other human conditions. I think Perez did a good job describing her characters and their situations. Honestly I have little personal knowledge of prejudice towards Mexican people but I was not shocked that it is very similar to how black people and Native Americans have been and are treated. I felt a lot while I read about characters that I fell in love with. I might not want to just hand this book to my teenager without a conversation, but I think it is worth reading. I think it will help compassion to grow in any reader.

You can get your own copy of Out of Darkness by Ashley Hope Perez on Amazon.com.

Read my Review on Goodreads:

Out of Darkness by Ashley Hope Pérez
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I could not put this book down. It had a compelling story, wonderful characters and a perfect pace that kept me engaged.

View all my reviews

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass An American Slave and Other Writings by Frederick Douglass

by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 29, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

I have always wanted to read Frederick Douglass’ work but I was always put off by the look of his face. He looked like a hard man so I waited. And then I was at the library with my wife, Karen G Clemenson, and she chose Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass An American Slave and Other Writings by Frederick Douglass to come home with us and it became an option in my hand. I found that although his topic was hard, he was not. He was a pleasure to read and there was a softness, I felt to the voice I read, that might be my imagination or maybe something that was inherent to the time in which he lived, when people were mindful of their audience or possible audience.

There is nothing soft about slavery and in fact Douglass was offended in every way by it. Down to his very soul, he felt it stole the best of a man to be a slave or to be a slave holder. However this was the cultural norm and even bled over to the probable reason that the book was opened by writings by William Lloyd Garrison and Wendell Phillips, Esq., two white men, abolitionists, but white men, nonetheless.

Douglass was born in 1835 in Tuckahoe, Maryland. His father was his master and this was no secret. He had few memories of his mother as he was raised by his grandmother. It was customary to remove children from their mother by 12 month old and then give them to an old woman that could no longer work in the fields to raise them. This was the situation for Douglass as well, and although his mother would steal away to sing him to sleep at night, she was always gone, far before morning, to get back to her quarters and work, she took sick and died when he was very young.

Facts that Douglass shared about slavery:

Brutal whippings were common.
Masters often fathered children that had to be sold or abused by the Missus.
Slaves had to view their master as good or “the best” or face the possibility of being sold to the worse master.
It was illegal to teach slaves to read because it was known if they could read they would not be manageable.
Slaves were forced to breed.
Slaves on plantations regularly were underfed, poorly dressed and given no beds and few to no blankets, yet they would be punished for taking an apple off a tree.
Monthly rations were given to slaves. Hungry slaves that wanted more and applied for them that could not eat them in the time the master said it should be eaten would be punished.
Christmas to New Years Day were holidays and only animals were needed to be cared for. Masters expected slaves to use this time for drinking, dancing, playing and being silly. Masters felt that only a lazy slave would not have collected enough whiskey to stay drunk for 6 days. Slaves that would use their time to hunt, make brooms, mats, baskets or horse collars didn’t deserve days off. This fraud and inhumanity of slavery is one of many things that angered Douglass.
City slaves were often treated better because people lived closer and nobody wanted to hear their neighbor’s slaves being whipped or see them starving and hear about it from others.
Killing a slave held no consequences.

Douglass felt the songs slaves would sing were a testament to the soul-killing effect of slavery:

When Douglass was about 7 or 8-years-old he was sent to Baltimore to live with a relative of his old master. The lady of the house had never had slaves and she was very kind. It would be Douglass’ job to care for the family’s little boy, Thomas. This is where Douglass began to learn to read, as she taught him while she was teaching Thomas, until her husband found out and put a stop to it. Yet he had learned enough that he was able to learn more through asking questions of the neighbor boys and eventually taught himself to write by tracing letters on signs. As he progressed he read anything he could get his hands on. He believed in always building his mind for his own betterment.

In 1833 Douglass was sent work for Edward Covey — a farm renter. He was known for breaking young slaves. He was there for a year. After 6 months of abuse and suicidal thoughts Douglass challenged Covey. He had become sick and instead of allowing him a break he beat him so Douglass returned to his master, who told him to go back. Without another option, Douglass returned but he would not let Covey to tie him down to beat him. Douglass fought him for 2 hours. For the rest of his stay he was not beaten. Douglass was a slave for 4 more years but he refused to be beaten. He had several fights but he was never beaten again.

September 1838 Douglass ran away from slavery and succeeded in reaching New York.

August 11, 1841 Douglass gave his first speech about slavery before abolitionists.

When asked about Christianity, Douglass had a very clear belief:

his book was not as gruesome as some of the books I have read on slavery. Douglass, himself, said that his account was only his own and he admitted that he did know that the farther south one went, the worse the experiences were and some masters were more evil than others. But what I can say, is that his account was felt more in my spirit. Douglass was very talented in making me feel tired in my spirit with this topic, possibly only a percentage of the amount as it must have made him feel exhausted to even think of it years after he was free. I also feel that his writings are still very relevant today, depending on how you view them. Maybe not slavery, perhaps, but there are groups of people that are marginalized and not cared for by our society, by people that call themselves Christians, that still don’t understand the gospel properly and leave the government to handle the job Christ left for us to handle.

I highly recommend this book and hope that the spirit in which Douglass meant for it to be experienced is appreciated by all who read it.

I checked my book out at The Longview Public Library. Buy your own copy of Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass An American Slave and Other Writings by Frederick Douglass on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass by Frederick Douglass
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Honest, gritty and well-written. The account and view of slavery is still relevant to our study of history today.

View all my reviews

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

The OTHER Side of Suicide

by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 28, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

I am reading a book called Madness A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher right now. This book is her story about her life with Bipolar I Disorder and what she went through. I am about half way through the book and although I don’t have Bipolar Disorder I can relate to some of what she has gone through and I am thankful that I have moved beyond some of the worst parts. When I say the OTHER side of suicide, I am not talking about the side where it isn’t a concern anymore but the side where you are so depressed that you can hardly move and you just beg God to let you die.

I have never been institutionalized but I probably should have been. By the grace of God and a couple of friends that understood that I had been rejected enough in life, that that is how I would have taken them calling the hospital and it would have broken me more, I was able to fight my way back. Not everyone can say that. Not everyone can do that. I am a very blessed woman and I know that and believe it with all my heart.

If you don’t know this kind of pain, I am so grateful to God. No one should hurt like this. Some people have it done to them and some people have it inside of them. I had a little of both but not to the extremes of the woman in this book. Hornbacher’s seems to be all internal and what the fight she had, every day. I empathize with her and am so proud of the fight she put up, even though it looks like failure, I don’t see it that way. She was doing what she knew, until she knew better.

This is what people do. We do what we know until we know better. This is why I am so diligent to keep my head as clear as I can. Why I am very protective of my schedule, my habits, my boundaries and my family. I have three pill sorters I take pills from every day on timers. I am a little rebellious but never an hour or 2 beyond the alarm that reminds me to take my pills, that I have promised to take every day, because Karen does not deserve the wrath that she gets if I don’t take them. I haven’t had an alcoholic beverage since before COVID…I think it was on a birthday and when I do have one it will be one, and with food, and definitely after my body is clear of cancer. I have recently allowed myself 1 cup of Lady Gray tea this week with breakfast. That is my allotment of caffeine. I now drink decaf Americanos with extra cream at Red Leaf and even that is 1-2 per week. I drink lots of water or herb tea. I exercise. I see my therapist and psychiatrist as scheduled. I listen to music all day. I read a lot, books and online for news. The TV only comes on after 7 pm, when my wife, Karen G Clemenson thinks I can handle it and then we watch shows that don’t stress me out (definitely not the news). I go to bed between 11-12:30 every night.

I am boring because being on schedule helps me keep my balance. When I am off balance I become anxious, fearful, and easily set off and nobody likes that Summer, especially me. My diagnoses are PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, OCD and Depression. I have blue days and I have days where I need things just so (I think Karen really hates those day, they bug me too). I have trouble with yelling voices, people that remind me of certain people and small spaces, wet fabric, bugs, phones and conflict. I am terrified of earthquakes, Donald Trump (although I can finally say his name without hyperventilating) and small-minded people although I know I have a tendency to be one and if you give me a minute I will remember that and will come back to listen to you after I have shut you off because I hate that about myself and I don’t want to leave you feeling unheard.

Being on the OTHER side of suicide is complete emptiness. You aren’t hungry. You aren’t thirsty. You don’t want to sleep but you do to kill time and hope you wake up feeling better or maybe not at all. You don’t want anything except for God to bring you home. You hurt so bad that you are numb and you just want it to end and you see no end in sight. There is nothing anyone can do to fix it. No one needs to worry about hiding any weapons, you have no energy to cause yourself any harm. It lasts as long as it lasts until one day you decide to take a shower…

I can’t forget Karen’s eyes during an episode, about 6 years ago. I don’t really remember what she was saying to me but I remember her eyes. Her eyes were saying: Don’t leave me. I think her mouth was saying, “You can’t let them do this anymore.” It was before I had begun to agree with the therapists that I should separate from my parents. Any interaction with them, lost 2 weeks for me. I could barely get out of bed to wash my face. My personal hygiene is paramount to me so if I miss even a day, you know it is bad. Nothing could rouse me, no music, no favorite food, no visitor, nothing. I would just stare at a wall, being tormented by their words, over and over again. I could never understand why they didn’t ever care about how their words and actions hurt me. I could never fathom that they didn’t understand that I was their victim. I was always left last.

Now I know they have their own hurts and troubles. But I am responsible for me. It is not their fault that when I see them, I am reminded of a Summer that no longer exists, except for with them and she is not the best of me. She is broken, hurting and doesn’t know how to take care of herself. They have never seen the best of me. I have probably never seen the best of them either. This makes me sad because I know we are all amazing people, if we could get past our hurts.

I like being on the side of suicide that I reside on now. Suicide isn’t an issue for me most of the time and when it whispers through my mind I can talk to God, maybe mention it to Karen or my sister, Jamie Holloway and it goes away. But that is because I have chosen to live a wellness lifestyle and that includes being mindful and not afraid of my mental illness, which is chronic and will need to be cared for for the rest of my life. It isn’t like a cold. It is like fibromyalgia. It will always be here too. Sometimes it wont bother me much and other times it will flare up and sometimes it will flare bigger. Meaning I will have to be more mindful and let myself rest more to regain my balance.

Is there loss? Yes, sort of. The sense of normalcy I want is gone because I had to embrace my actual normalcy. My actual normalcy is that I live in a body that hurts and a mind that gets overwhelmed if I am not careful with her. She needs me to be diligent with how I feed her and water her, move her, how I stimulate her and grow her. She is a chronic body and mind and I am in charge of her and if I fail her, I will pay the price so I must embrace wellness with a smile and not worry about things I can’t change and work on what I can change which are only in the realm of my reach.

It is good to be reminded of how far I have come. Reading Madness A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher is a good reminder. I don’t miss the manic moments and especially the moments on the OTHER side of suicide. I hope I am never get there again. But I understand people struggling and I think that is why I find people living with mental illness to be amazingly strong people. They have a burden only they can see and they are doing the best they can with something that is hard to describe and even harder to diagnose and properly treat. I think as we become more educated, we need to stop casually using some words. Like, Karen, when she feels overtaxed tells me she is crazy. I told her last night, that is untrue and she should probably stop saying that, when in fact she is overwhelmed and needs a nap. As a community, we should be more compassionate of people who have a battle that wont be fixed by a nap but also don’t want to be called crazy, they just need to find the person that can help them diagnose the real problem in their mind so they can begin the healing process.

What do you think?

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

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