I know I am not alone because God never will leave or forsake me. But I have felt alone lately. God is always here, but I want some people around. God has proven Himself time and time again. I know I will make it through this cancer and this depression, and I know He is in me and I am in Him, but what is the point of so many people in the world, if no one shows up every once and a while? This world is so stressed out and so ridiculously busy that we don’t make time for each other anymore.
I need some of your time. I will make cookies. I have a variety of teas.
Yesterday I wrote on Facebook:
The pain is constant now; with sharp shooting pains as well. The amount of morphine and oxycodone I take are triggering my mental health issues and sometimes I struggle to remember what I am doing. Thankfully I write a lot so I can check my lists or read what I was trying to process. Karen is helpful to ask me what I was trying to do; yesterday my own shopping list was confusing.
I have a fridge full of food I need to cook but keeping my home clean and cooking seems overwhelming sometimes.
The narcotics I take have rules around them. There are no refills on my bottles so I have to juggle when I can call in for refills. I got confused about which ones I called in and Karen G Clemenson noticed I was low on one on Friday, but I had just called in the other and the doctor’s office was closed so I couldn’t call until yesterday. When I called yesterday, I told the nurse I had enough to get me through today. She told me to be timelier about calling. I cried when I got off the phone. I’m crying now.
This is too much. Karen is amazing when she is home, but she has to work a lot. I’m not easy to help. It takes me a long time to answer questions. I’m not accustomed to being taken care of. I have always been the caregiver. I do know it would be nice to not be by myself so much. And I can’t be criticized.
I have imaging this afternoon. Hopefully the CT shows progress. I’m already afraid I am addicted to these narcotics.
My anxiety is high because of the drugs and hormones. I have anxiety disorder, so I don’t need a trigger, however, I am so much better than I used to be. I have gotten used to my self-care routine and learned tools to help myself, but it has become worse and worse as the months have gone on. I had a run in with someone that caused some things from the past to reemerge, and it takes a bit for me to soothe myself back into my norm.
Sometimes I feel sounds. When I am truly overwhelmed, I hear crazy sounds and then I shut off when it is too much; I feel like I imagine a computer rebooting might feel like. I get angry really easily over dumb things. I cry very easily. These things are probably related to my neurodivergence because I have OCD and more than one medical professional that has mentioned signs of autism.
But today I have spent a lot of time talking to God. I made sure to do my work out and take a shower. I have washed our bedding. I met with Dr Westhoff. I found out the hormone treatments are not working because my body has grown accustomed to it. I will getting a port soon. My veins are hard to deal with. They are skinny, deep and they roll so a port will make it easier for the next step. Chemotherapy and surgery are next.
What I really need is people to show up. To be here. Some gift certificates to local restaurants would be nice for nights when I can’t cook. But visitors to just hang out and laugh is what I think I really need.
I hope to see you soon. I love you. Be blessed.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have, and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself, please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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