by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 1, 2022 | About Summer, Life, Opinions
I told my therapist, yesterday, that I am sure I have forgiven several people in my life completely. The part I am struggling with is that you can forgive someone, let’s call them “Person A,” so many times and then it becomes apparent that they are not a safe person for you to be around because they keep hurting you so you are forced to create a boundary that says Person A can’t be in my life. The really hard part is that because of the dynamics of a particular group of people, you now have to remove yourself from the group of people because the relationship between Person A and you and everyone in the group doesn’t let you just remove one person.
I would love to try to have a relationship with Person B and Person C but they are too close to Person A and Person B is married to Person D and I don’t feel safe around them either. There are more variables but that is too many letters and we will both get confused. It is just easier to stay away but it does make me sad; sometimes it makes me angry.
People say: Oh well, it is the holidays! or Oh well, it is family, get over it!
My therapist said that trust is a hard thing to fix. I told her that I realized that I don’t trust women because the closest ones to me were manipulative towards me. She asked me how that manifests in my life. I said I have 2 close friends and I am married to one of them.
We agreed that it must take a lot for me to allow someone to really get close to me.
Am I writing this so I can whine and complain? No. I am writing this to encourage anyone that has been hurt that it is ok to look at your wounds and realize truths so you can work on them. I am talking to God and my therapist about my concerns. I am creating healthy boundaries for my mental health. I am continuing to affirm my value and maintain my self-care.
Some relationships can’t be fixed, but the relationship with myself can be.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 30, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions
The first thing I think of when I think about Jamie Foxx is “ego”. That isn’t a bad thing. My wife, Karen G Clemenson, and I have pretty big egos but we are women and we live in Longview, Washington so we have learned to be creative with how we show them. Foxx, being a Black man, a stand-up comedian, musician, actor and general entertainer, he gets to swing his around a bit and it wasn’t a surprise to see it in his book, Act Like You Got Some Sense: And Other Things My Daughters Taught Me.
I wasn’t shocked at how intelligent Foxx is either, I think you must be very smart to do stand-up and improv but I really enjoyed his writing too. I had a hard time putting his book down which did surprise me. I appreciated the stories Foxx told about his grandparents, who raised him and how he felt about his parents that were around but not available to him and how this made him very aware of what he didn’t want to do as a parent with his two daughters.
He was honest about mistakes he made as he learned how to be a parent and how he improved. Communication and connection are very important to Foxx and that was something that tried hard to work on with his parents even after he was an adult, as well as with his girls. Forgiveness and boundaries are also important lessons he has taught his girls.
One thing that Foxx made me consider that surprised me, is that each state is its own place. As Foxx described the vast differences between his home state of Texas and where he lives now, in California, Foxx had great pride in his home state, while he enjoys where he is now. I don’t know why I had never thought about that before but it took 46 years for me to come to this place to consider that each of our 50 states has its own laws, customs and expectations. With a Presidential election coming, it makes me realize that the President of The United States has a the job of getting 50 states with different laws, expectations and customs to go in the general same direction. Wow! That doesn’t count all the other stuff they do. I know it isn’t related…but Jamie Foxx brought me to this thought process. I amazed too!
Although I don’t prefer all of Foxx’s language, I really enjoyed this book, and he explains that he is not going to censor himself, so I know I am getting his authentic self, which I do appreciate. What I loved the most about this book is that I could feel how much love his grandparents had for him and how much love he has for his girls and his family. I highly recommend this book.
I got this book from the Longview Public Library you can get your own copy of Act Like You Got Some Sense: And Other Things My Daughters Taught Me by Jamie Foxx on Amazon.
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Read My Review on GoodReads
Act Like You Got Some Sense: And Other Things My Daughters Taught Me by Jamie Foxx
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Jamie Foxx never fails to surprise me. His writing is engaging. I hardly wanted to put this book down.
View all my reviews
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 23, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Fuel Your Wellness, Opinions
I first saw this book on the bed at my sister’s house and was interested. Jamie never gives any clues away, so I was totally shocked that The Gospel of Wellness by Rina Raphael was not what I was expecting. I learned a lot, yet I am not sure I was the target market for this book. (more…)
by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 17, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions, Wellness
I met with my psychiatrist last Friday and spoke with him about my concerns with things that were happening inside my head that were causing me stress. October through February were the hard months for my custodial parent, so I have a hard time in these months too. Plus the holidays are here and they had their own bag of not so fun goodies. We had kept me at the lowest dose I could stand because the Luvox was giving me headaches but that we before we found proof, via MRI, that I have had migraines for most of my life and began treating them. It is time to increase my mood stabilizers.
I don’t act on what happens in my head. I am in control of myself. Even my psychiatrist felt that that the screaming and crying I hear in my head is a part of myself that remembers the pain and not me wanting to hurt myself or anyone. I do have visions of inappropriate behavior but that is usually when I am angry. I try very hard to not get angry to a certain point. In the past I have blacked out and hurt people. I don’t ever want that to happen again. So when the visions start, which are a precursor to the black outs, I walk out of the room and calm down. Along with myself, I promised myself I would never hurt anyone on purpose a long time ago. Violence is not OK, ever.
As the holidays come closer I have more and more dreams about family members of the past. I think about moments and I feel old feelings. I don’t mean to. I don’t want to. I realized today that I don’t trust women because of the type of situations I was raised in. I don’t have much to say about men either. Most of the time the men in my life were working or doing their own thing, until they were needed. They just weren’t around much.
I was raised by a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder. I found the paperwork one day, by accident. I was looking for pictures for a photo album in their desk. BPD is a terrible mental illness to live with. From what I can remember, my parent put all their energy into working and they did that well. But when they came home, understandably they were exhausted and any self-control they had was spent. That self-hatred that comes with mental illness was there. I often didn’t know what parent would come home. I seemed to have several, of different ages. I don’t have a lot of memories because I have blocked most of them out, but I have lots of fears. That kind of fear doesn’t let you trust. I know my parent loves me and has always wanted the best for me, I also know that while I was growing up there were no reliable treatments for this mental illness. They gave me the best they had, and I know they were the best option available to me, but I still suffered.
My step-mother had her own issues. I am not going to go into a lot of details but she never earned my trust, but pushed it away. I know she had her own trauma experiences growing up. I am not a trained therapist or psychologist but I would not be surprised if she didn’t have her own diagnosis. My father loves her and I respect that but that keeps me away, especially since my siblings are so much like both my mothers. Both women have good and bad qualities but I find myself to be very defensive around them; I am not sure they are able to see the healthy, more balanced version of Summer that I have matured into.
I am hoping the increased meds will help quiet things in my head. I am going to talk to God about these new things I have noticed about myself. I want to get better. For my sake and the sake of people who I have yet to meet. Its ok to need to get help. I am thankful that I have a team that works well with me.
Read More:
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 14, 2022 | About Summer, Life, Opinions, Prayers
When I was growing up slapstick comedy was really popular and my mom really loved it. John Candy and Chevy Chase were two of her favorite actors. I have to admit they had great timing. But as I have gotten older and really got to know myself I have lost my taste for slapstick because someone always has to get hurt for someone else to get a laugh. I don’t think it is funny when people get hurt, especially as someone who has been hurt a lot.
We still see a hunger for slapstick in smaller forms today. We call them memes. But I don’t think all memes are funny either. Today I saw one with Ivanka Trump wearing a dress that was similar to one that Grace Kelly wore in a movie with a name that made it easy to tease Ivanka. You know what? It made me sad. Ivanka looked beautiful. According to the meme she was at her sister’s wedding and we should have been happy for them. I don’t want to befriend the Trump family and I certainly don’t want them to continue in politics but why shouldn’t I want them to celebrate a happy moment in their family?
The reasons I don’t want to have them on the news, in my living room, or in positions to make decisions that affect my life are because of the chaos they brought the last time they were in that position. Donald Trump invites negativity because that is what he knows. But if I take a moment in their lives that should be joyful and twist it in the manner that I have seen them do, I am no better than they are and I want to be a person that invites peace and forgiveness in my midst.
I do admit that I was not as emotionally healthy when Trump won his election as I am now. I was unable to say President Trump for the first 2 years of his term and I was hateful and spiteful, at every chance I had to speak or think of him. But somewhere in there I had to find a way to forgive and have peace, for my sake. I needed to stop having an anxiety attack every time I heard his name or heard his voice. It was hard. Sometimes it still is. But as I read Running on Empty and began thinking about how we didn’t even know about fostering emotionally healthy children until now and I was able to see how this would cause me to be an emotional neglect survivor, but this would also make most people an emotional neglect survivor and I began seeing how I needed to forgive a lot of people, even Donald Trump.
This does not change my political views but this reminds me to not let my political views change who I am every day.
Jesus took a few minutes to share a parable when He was with us, I am sure a few of you have heard before: The Sower and the Seed:
“And some fell among thorns, and the thorns sprang up with it and choked it…Now the ones that fell among the thorns are those who, when they have heard, go out and are choked with cares, riches and pleasures of life and bring no fruit to maturity. But the ones that fell on the good ground are those who having heard the word with a noble and good heart, keep it and bear fruit with patience.”
Luke 8:7…14-15
Jesus is the Sower and the Seed is the Word of God and the garden is our hearts. Not all of our hearts are ready to accept the Word of the Lord, when we first hear it, or even ever, but when we are ready to choose Jesus, we can let the cares of the world get out of the way so that His teachings can become deep in us so that love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23) are easily found in us and become boiling out of us.
This is the beauty of the freedom of choice that God gives us. We don’t ever have to choose Him, but when we do, we find ourselves letting go of pain, judgement and anger more easily and picking up forgiveness. This doesn’t mean we don’t still need to create healthy boundaries in relationships for our mental, physical and spiritual health. We still need boundaries because we can’t make others make the same choices we have made or in the same time table as we have made them in.
My wife, Karen G Clemenson, and I were watching Christmas Vacation the other night and I was shocked at my mind’s response to the movie. I had put myself in the movie. Instead of enjoying a movie, I have watched hundreds of times, I was seeing myself as part of the family. I saw myself opening the front door as soon as the squirrel was seen in the tree, knowing the squirrel would prefer being outside. I never spoke. I saw myself moving from room to room making sure there was a path in every room so people could walk safely and then I saw myself coming back with a garbage bag to pick up what couldn’t be salvaged. After that I was just plan cleaning. I was just putting things back in their place because someone had to. I was not oblivious to the chaos but I was not part of it. I was not thanked, I was not spoken to. I was just there.
I am not saying I ever lived through a Christmas that was exactly like the one in this movie, but emotionally, I think we could top it, between all the households. I think this is why I don’t like slapstick. When you are invisible it is like being at the brunt of slapstick humor. If it is the day you are visible and you are the scapegoat, you definitely know some pain.
I have been reading a biography about Mr. Rogers and I am finding out that I have much in common with him. This shouldn’t surprise me. Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood was one of my favorite shows, even through high school. When he was a boy and people around him told him to not think too much about things that bothered him, he just couldn’t. He couldn’t stop caring. He cared too much. I appreciate this. I am a person that cares too much too, and I think about how children are affected by what the grown ups around them are doing. I love that I have this in common with Mr. Rogers. He also didn’t like slapstick…
Another thing I have in common with Mr. Rogers is my love for Jesus. I want to leave you with this scripture that is so powerful!
I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and my horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalm 18:1-2
Be blessed!
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 9, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Food, Life, Opinions, Queer Community
…So I was digging through this bag of books my sister gave me and I found this book with colorful pictures and food on the cover and was excited to read it, thinking I would learn a lot about food but was surprised when I learned so much more. Koshersoul: The Faith and Food Journey of an African American Jew by Michael W. Twitty is a book about just that, a journey, but not just by Twitty, but the other people he has met along the way.
Being Jewish is not just a religion, it is a culture. It is a generally led through the mother so gender is important. Most people have been led to believe that Jews are white/caucasian or Middle Eastern but there are Jews all over the world and many are Black and they have been left out of the conversation much of the time. If you’re a Black Jew, as in most situations, you are a color before you are anything else, as dictated by society’s standard.
“Your place in the mishpocheh, the family, and how you navigate that place, not just with others but within yourself — that is the bootcamp of identity, especially intersectional identity, and it’s where you find your special truth that only you can bring to the table.” Chapter 3
Mishpocheh (mesh-poh-keh) is Yiddish for kinfolk or people that are from where you are from. Yiddish is a transition language between German and the Jewish person’s original language just as Ebonics wasn’t bad English, originally, but a transition between native tongues and English. Twitty doesn’t go into detail about Ebonics beyond this but the fact that people still use Ebonics, does cause my wife’s skin to crawl because it is reminder of being enslaved that should be let go while we celebrate liberation.
One reason I love to read is that it stretches my brain. I really look forward to reading some more about Jewish culture, and then re-reading this book. Twitty uses a lot of Jewish terms without explaining them and although I did find a glossary at the end of the book, and I did Google several terms while I was reading, I think I will better appreciate this book after reading some more on the culture. He did try to explain the words that make up the main tile for the book:
“Kosher” is a standard of ritual fitness according to Jewish dietary laws and sometimes to other parts of Jewish material culture and ritual observance because G-d says so and because it connects other Jews.
“Soul” has its own connotations of soul food, soul music, soul people, soul dancing. However, soul food, has come to mean both African American vernacular cuisine and the comfort food core traditions of other folk cuisines. Soul means a certain vibe and feeling, an earthiness and peace with yourself and your people. Soul food is based on the ingredients: corn, tomatoes, peppers, pineapples and peanuts which were ready available to enslaved people.
About the People
“Loving yourself means you remember you are betzelem Elokim — made in G-d’s image — as much as any other person. It means that G-d has love for you as an LGBTQ person and that your struggles and strengths matter to our Creator. In the LGBTQ community, we have conflicts between one another as men and women, cis and trans, white — identified and people of color, disabled and not, wealthy and financially challenged. Your duty is to apply the best of Jewish values — mainly a concern for the stranger and those in need, and the urge to support the oppressed — because we were all of those in the time of our enslavement and captivity, and we are duty bound to be compassionate and loving and empathetic. Be grateful and thankful for your difference in the world and for the opportunity to feel for others what you feel for others.” Chapter 11; Mayseh; The Letter I Always Wanted to Write
The relationship between people and food helps bring groups together which is why “Jewish” food is a vast word.
Jewish people have been judged and ridiculed everywhere they have been — it is sad to know why it is easy to see why they have failed to reach out to marginalized Black folks — Jews or otherwise. To reach out to Black people would bring them into the position of abuse. White Supremacy has brought division and fear here too.
“We are here to be family to one another, to exist for the sake of others, even as others exist for our sake.” Chapter 1
I have been interested in learning about Jewish culture for some time and I am thankful that I read this book. I believe it has reminded me to learn more about this culture. As a Jesus follower, I see it as learning another part of my Savior, but also I believe we are all connected and learning about other cultures helps me to see me in the world better. There are some wonderful recipes, interesting cultural references and great personal stories throughout this book which make it a fascinating read. I highly recommend it, although it can get a little dry here and there, it is easy to overlook.
I got this book from my sister, Jamie Holloway, you can get your copy of Koshersoul: The Faith and Food Journey of an African American Jew by Michael W. Twitty on Amazon.com.
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Read My Review on GoodReads:
Koshersoul: The Faith and Food Journey of an African American Jew by Michael W. Twitty
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
I was not expecting what I got when I picked up this book but I enjoyed what I got. Twitty is a well-read person with lots of words and I did have to look several up, which I kind of enjoyed. I plan to read this book again, after I have read a few more books on Jewish culture, and have a better understanding of some of the basics. I enjoyed the many contributors and viewpoints Twitty shared and his personal point of view, it really helped me see outside of myself. I also look forward to exploring some of the recipes.
View all my reviews
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 7, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Life, Opinions
I had been reading some really heavy books before I picked up Yoga Pant Nation by Laurie Gelman, so I was looking forward to something light and hopefully funny when I chose this one out of the bag of books I had got from my sister. At first I was little let down by the commonality of the home life of Jennifer Dixon, the main character, who spends a lot of her time raising her 5th grade son, Max and watching her 2-year-old granddaughter, Maude a few days a week.
As a lot of busy moms do, she lives in her yoga pants; even I as I write this, I am wearing yoga pants and my baby has four legs and says meow. In her defense, Jen and her husband, Ron, actually own a string of yoga studios but even he, would like to see Jen try harder than her “dressy” yoga pants every once and a while.
Throughout the book, Jennifer takes on leading a spin class, helps her aging parents through some growing pains, leads the grade school’s fundraising group through the most successful year ever and supports one daughter through a career change and another through a custody battle where every ends up with a smile on their face, especially granddaughter, Maude.
I almost put this book down. It was so common, but Gelman did a great job developing the characters and making them real to me. I had to find out how everything turned out. In the end, it was a pleasure to read.
I would like to thank my sister, Jamie Holloway for loaning this book to me. You check this book out at the Longview Public Library or you can buy your own copy of Yoga Pant Nation by Laurie Gelman on Amazon.
Read my Review on GoodReads:
Yoga Pant Nation by Laurie Gelman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Easy read. Kind of boring but a nice change from the books I had read previously, however toward the end the family had pulled me in and I was cheering them on.
View all my reviews
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 4, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions, Prayers
I have come to believe, from my own experience, and not from any research, that there are many ways to harmony and balance and wellness hurts sometimes. There are more than one type of wellness and these include: physical, mental, and spiritual wellness and all require a certain amount of boundaries, affirmations and expectations of ourselves to protect the one thing we can control; ourself. If we don’t care for ourself then how will we care for others. Jesus told us to give out of abundance not out of want; He told us to rest and find joy in His peace. Those sound like the recipe for boundaries to me…
This week has been hard. Actually it started last week with PTSD flash backs. I didn’t even want to write because I was afraid of what would come out of me. I don’t like to relive things and I don’t like to feed the negativity either. Some of my stories might be told someday but they should be told by a Summer that is in control of herself and not by a Summer that is in torment. I was thankful when I finally had a funny memory, a few days ago about one of my abusers; I knew I was coming out of it. Not all of my life was stressful and terrible. There were good days too.
When one of my siblings was born there was a commercial for Budweiser Beer that had a frog that said,” Bud bud, bud, bud bud, bud, bud bud, Budweiser!” As the older sibling, I noticed that they enjoyed this sound and I often would say the bud part without Budweiser to them to make them laugh. No matter how old they were, or usually what mood they were in, I could get them to laugh if I did this. Even as an adult. When they became a parent, I tried it on their child. I don’t remember if their child cared…although their cousins love it! But I do remember my sibling sitting behind them with a smile on their face, trying not to laugh.
It made me laugh to think about it. I was glad to have that memory after a week of terrible memories that felt brand new. No matter how often I would try to remind myself that I was here now. I was 46 years old and not 9 or 12 or 16 years old. I would pet Xavier who wasn’t born yet and think about that fact. I would remind myself that those people are not in my life anymore because I chose to stay away from them. I would remind myself that I had Karen and she loved me like I always wanted to be loved. It is such a struggle when it feels brand new, but you know it isn’t.
I have a friend that has been going through this too. I was trying to comfort them on Facebook and in their angst they thought I was criticizing them. I had to remind them that I was trying to be supportive. They don’t have a Karen. Part of my strength is that I have a partner that can remind me that I am here now and not there anymore. The hardest part is when she is at work. My friend doesn’t have a partner.
I did contact my therapist last week. She was glad to set up 2 appointments a month for me. She knows between October to February are my hard times. We couldn’t do a second session in October but I have two appointments set up for November. I had hoped I was far enough along in my healing that I could stay at one session a month but real strength is knowing that I need help and asking for it.
This week is a Fibromyalgia flare from hell. I am not surprised. Fibro is connected to trauma and emotions. Fibro is caused by an prolonged psychological stress and genetics, I have both of these factors. After a week of being stressed to the max, I am not surprised that my normal dull roar is now an screaming banshee at times and walking or lifting my arms above my head is an exercise in emotional strength and a shower is a time to cry and pray and when it is over a time to cry and praise God that I made it through. Sleeping is torn between hot flashes, nightmares or stressful dreams where I am in terrible pain and waking in terrible pain. But I will gladly take this over PTSD flashbacks…
I told this to my friend when I was checking in with them on Messenger. I am glad they were ok when I reached out to them.
We all have our triggers. Campaign season is hard on my friend, understandably…Mine are the holidays. I am wondering if I should put a disclaimer out there that I have a weird sense of humor about holidays because until the last few years, I had never had a holiday without fighting involved. I hate fighting.
Karen and I were watching a rerun of Reba, last night and they were fighting over who’s house they would have Thanksgiving at and who would cook. As a child of divorced parents, I thought the answer was easy…have two Thanksgivings. I tell you what, if you are invited to a Thanksgiving at my house and a fight breaks out, I will pack up dinner quicker than a fork can hit the floor and we will reschedule for another day. Holidays are supposed to be peaceful and they don’t have to have anything to do with a day on a calendar, in my mind.
I have been thinking about making a sign to hang near the door that says: If you can’t keep the peace in this home, take a walk, take a nap or take a hike…and I totally mean it.
I have learned that wellness hurts sometimes. There are side effects from important medications and even from a stay in the hospital. My dear sister, Jamie Holloway, is suffering with some terrible wounds caused by water retention she had from her last stay in the hospital. She is exhausted and begging for a break. I wish I could do more than pray and congratulate her for being diligent in advocating for herself. Sometimes healthy boundaries for one person, hurts another person but must stay, for the first person’s mental health. There are times you might have to lose out on a promotion at work because you need to say no to the early morning meetings, so you can have some needed quiet time so you are balanced.
I encourage you to look at your life and see where you can create healthy boundaries and balance in your life even if it is painful at first. When you get used to it, it might be the best thing you did for yourself.
Read more:
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 28, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life
I know a lot of people that have a certain time of year that is more of a struggle for them than others and this is my hard time of the year; October to February were the months that my custodial parent struggled and so that is the time that my hardest memories live and I tend to relive them. I need to contact my therapist and increase my therapy sessions to twice a month, instead of once a month, I was hoping that I could stay with monthly but I am seeing that the cycles are repeating, as usual.
I was supposed to get up when my wife, Karen G Clemenson, went to work this morning, but I couldn’t. I fell back to sleep. When she came in for lunch today, she woke me from a dream where I was folding orange inmate jumpsuits. It was part of my duties because I was incarcerated for a short time. They didn’t have jumpsuits in my size so I had to purchase my own. I was being told to take good care of mine so that when I had to come back I could bring them with me. I figured as much. What a dream.
Stressful dreams and nightmares are normal for me but more common in this time of year. I sleep a lot more because I don’t get good rest when I having these dreams, plus with the cold weather I have a lot more pain and that is another reason for bad sleep. When I tried to wake up today Veda was here, that is what I call depression, it implies she is a visitor, instead of something I can’t overcome and maybe she will only be here for a short visit.
I know this visit from Veda was triggered by someone that asked my wife if she was the sister-in-law of my sibling. It shouldn’t bother me but it does. My siblings have made it abundantly clear that they want no part of my life. All those wonderful Hallmark cards that describe sisters are only describing, Jamie Holloway, and in no way will I call my siblings sisters and take away from Jamie who has been there for every fun event, diagnosis and growth moment in my life. I have invited my siblings, I have gone to theirs, when invited, I have loved their children with all my heart, until I was told to stop contacting them and then I loved them in my heart and prayers and hoped that when they were 18-years-old, they might choose to see me.
Longview, Washington is not as small as people think it is. But it is small enough. It has been big enough that I have never run into people I don’t want to run into but small enough that I can hear about people I don’t want to know about. I wish that the one sibling that lives here, that I have forgiven, but I can never trust, would just let me and my wife go. Just don’t talk about us. You don’t want us in person, why talk about us when we aren’t there? I promise you I don’t talk about you. Why would I? I realize I have aired my laundry a few times but I have grown beyond that, now I just want to try to heal and I don’t need any help being reminded of my past. PTSD does that for me.
I am so looking forward to spring when the crocuses and daffodils start blooming!
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 27, 2022 | Education, Life
This article was originally published on October 20, 2022 on WellnessWorksNW.com.
In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Karen G Clemenson asked me to write something regarding the topic. Domestic Violence is a hard topic and I didn’t take it lightly, but I also didn’t want to repeat the same things we have written before so I contacted Sarah Hancock at the Emergency Support Shelter. Since Karen is on the board at ESS, Sarah was glad to loan me a couple of books she thought were very powerful to read: But, Why Did You Stay? by Mekisha Jane Walker and Why Don’t You Just Leave Him? by Stacey Jameson. These books were not hard to read but they were a difficult topic and I found myself feeling a lot of emotions.
“Depending on when in the relationship you asked, ‘But, why did you stay?’ I would give you a different answer. In the beginning, I stayed because I loved him, and I believed I could help him change. For better or for worse…Toward the end, love morphed to fear that overcame my ability to get out of the relationship.” But, Why Did You Stay by Mekisha Jane Walker, Chapter 1
Details about Walker and her husband Luke:
- Walker was a successful criminal trial attorney but was too afraid to leave her abusive husband
- Luke had deep emotional scars lying dormant that she didn’t know about before she married him
- Luke was irritated with Walker’s close friends, especially male friends — even if they had partners
- Luke had a bad childhood and Walker thought she could “love him” thought it
- Luke had no empathy for Walker’s migraines
- Luke was self-absorbed and everything was Walker’s fault
- Luke was a textbook narcissist and master manipulator
- Luke humiliated Walker in public
- Luke broke Walker’s things when he got upset
- There were signs of emotional abuse before the marriage
- Verbal and physical abuse began after the marriage
- Luke guarded the mail to intercept money for his secret bank account while spending Walker’s money too
- Luke blamed his bad behavior on his bad childhood and his mother’s death
Walker came from a supportive middle-class family. She was educated, smart and devoted to her career. She had lots of friends and acquaintances. She had a few romantic relationships, but they were not great and she let them go. Her relationship with Luke began fast and hard…
“He was attentive to a level I had not experienced before. The conversation was always about me. He was always checking on me, holding my hand and treating me like a princess. He put me on a pedestal that I didn’t want to come down from…I fell in love so quickly that looking back it is downright scary. Today, I realize that I fell in love with the way he treated me and how he made me feel because I had no clue who he really was in that short amount of time.” Why Did You Stay by Mekisha Jane Walker, Chapter 2
Walker had no idea that Luke had abused his previous wife. He had a son from this marriage, that he forced his ex to give up her rights to, and Walker adopted him. She was always trying to keep the peace to no avail. When she became pregnant she hoped he would not hit her, but that was not the case. She had become very good at covering bruises and marks with makeup and scarves. Walker had gone to great lengths to avoid the “victim’ label for her entire marriage.
The abuse happens to all loved ones as much as the victim. Walker didn’t realize that her family was confused by her husband’s behavior when they were together, which was as little as possible. He had slowly isolated Walker as much as he could.
The background in Stacey Jameson’s story was much different. Growing up Jameson’s mom called her names, was angry all the time, and made her feel like a burden who was meant to absorb her pain. After her parents divorce, her mother did what she could to keep Jameson and her siblings away from her father.
Jameson and Leon met when they were 13-years-old. Leon’s parents fought and they also encouraged stealing. Jameson overlooked this because they had created a sense of family for her.
Details about Jameson and her husband Leon:
- Leon was a bully at school
- Leon was possessive and controlling toward Jameson and increasingly violent until she was equally in love and terrified of him
- Jameson would believe Leon was sorry and messed up by his stress at home
- Jameson thought Leon must love her to be so jealous
- Jameson knew her feelings were and obsession — she didn’t care how Leon treated her as long as she had him
- At 17 Jameson got pregnant and her mother forced her to have an abortion
- Jameson had been taught to be submissive and take responsibility for other people’s behaviors while Leon was dominant and abusive — their marriage was doomed
- Jameson and Leon were married at 19
Jameson was sure she had to leave the oppressive home of her mother — even if it meant putting up with possible abuse from Leon.
Leon had been conditioned to never hit where it would leave a mark that clothing wouldn’t cover. He often pulled her hair and hit her in her torso area, arms and legs. He had learned this from how his father treated his mother. He had extremely high standards for cleanliness in the home and the children. Jameson felt like a slave in her home. She never had any help; even when she was very ill, she was abused for being negative and ruining the day with her bad attitude.
Not unlike Luke, Leon had new clothes, cars and went out when he wanted to while their wives struggled to make due with what they had.
“That is what the abuse feeds on — your strength — like a parasite feeding on all your pride, dignity, self-belief, and confidence. Because they have none, they thrive on feeding off yours.” Why Don’t You Just Leave Him? by Stacey Jameson, Chapter 22
Reading some of the humiliation these women went through, it is not hard to wonder why they stayed but to be honest, if I just waited and thought a bit, there are moments in my younger days that I allowed myself to be abused. Not physically but emotionally. But abuse is abuse and until you are ready to change your circumstances, you stay. Some people don’t leave for financial reasons or fear of being judged, there are many reasons to stay; there is security in the known, even if it is painful.
How to help a friend or family member that is being abused:
- Talk about options
- Don’t add pressure — they have enough
- Done expect them to follow your timetable
- Let them know you are always available
- Avoid comments that sound condescending — you don’t know what their life is like and you don’t know what they are feeling
- Respect their decision no matter what
If you are being abused or know someone that is being abused that needs support there are confidential and free resources available at Emergency Support Shelter for anyone that needs it, no matter what your gender or age. You don’t have to leave but if you are ready, or you just need support until you are ready to leave, or if you have been victimized and you need help, there are people there to help you heal.
ESS offers the following services:
- Domestic Violence Advocacy and Shelter
- Sexual Assault Advocacy
- Crime Victim Advocacy
- Sexual Exploitation & Labor Trafficking Advocacy
www.emergencysupportshelter.com ~ call 24/7 360-425-1176 ~ or ~ text 360-726-1003
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233
I have to say I really admire the strength and courage these women showed to write their stories. I know that other people have been helped by their stories. Yes, they took a lot of abuse, but when they were ready they got help and got away from their abusers. This took extreme bravery, when they were exhausted and probably felt like they had no other choice. People living in abusive relationships deserve our compassion and support. I am glad we have programs in our area that can offer this to people needing to get free from abuse.
I would like to thank Sarah at Emergency Support Shelter for loaning me these books to read. I searched the Longview Public Library database and these books are not available there, but you can purchase your own copy of But, Why Did You Stay by Mekisha Jane Walker and Why Don’t You Just Leave Him? by Stacey Jameson on Amazon.
Read My Review of But, Why Did You Stay by Mekisha Jane Walker on GoodReads:
But, Why Did You Stay?: How I Survived Domestic Violence by Mekisha Walker
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Very intense. Domestic Violence is hard topic. This woman is amazing.
View all my reviews
Read My Review of Why Don’t You Just Leave Him? by Stacey Jameson on GoodReads:
Why Don’t You Just Leave Him?: A True Story of Domestic Violence. by Stacey Jameson
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
This story of Domestic Violence is brutal. This woman was groomed from birth to be violated for life yet she eventually was able to get free. This was a hard read but a good one.
View all my reviews
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 26, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions
There are three things I have to be attune to every day to be balanced: God, meds and self-care. Beyond these three things, my activities can vary within a given day, but I have to give a nod to these three things to remain in my best self. I think if I didn’t have mental and physical chronic illness these things might not be so profound but since I do, they are paramount.
I have a friend that lives with a lot with similar issues. They have been having a lot of struggles the last few years because they have different issues than I do and it is hard to find solutions and parameters that we can live with sometimes. They came to visit my wife, Karen G Clemenson, at work the other day. They let her know that they had dropped out of school. They needed more time to focus on their passion. They were so afraid I would be disappointed in them. I am not.
Today is a hard day for me. I pushed myself very hard yesterday AND the weather has changed, bringing more pain. I am anxious about blood clots. I am a little more anxious about a lot of things but that too is cyclical for me. I slept in. I did do my workout; it took a lot longer than usual and included tears in my eyes for most of it. I have taken my meds so far, until my night time meds are due. I have done my bible study and talked to God several times. I have put on my compression sock, done all my toiletries, got dressed, eaten appropriately, fed the cat and I am writing — I even went through the ads on Safeway’s and Fred Meyer’s websites…and worked on my budget for November…I have to make sure to remember to buy my mother-in-law some socks and Karen is out of ketchup…
Sometimes getting dressed means putting my nightgown back on but today I put clothes on. Sometimes writing is just the journaling I do while I do my bible study or notes I take while reading a book. Sometimes I don’t touch a book and I just lie in bed and talk to God. I understand having to change plans. If school is not part of the big picture for you and you feel like it is stealing time from your dream, don’t go. It doesn’t make sense to waste your time, money and energy on something that is not for you. What works for some people, might not be what will work for you.
What is important is that you find what does work for you. What are the three things you need every day to be balanced? Maybe it isn’t God, meds and self-care…maybe you don’t need medications…maybe you don’t believe in God…I hope you believe in some form of self-care…I also hope you do believe in a higher power but that is a different blog.
What are your three things?
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 25, 2022 | Cancer, Life, Thanksgiving
I feel so thankful today! I just got off my video appointment with my oncologist just a few minutes ago and got really good news. Sometimes you just feel thankful and this is one of those times for me.
This appointment was supposed to be a pre-op appointment for my next procedure, the first week of November but because I haven’t been on my blood thinners for a month yet, Dr Westhoff wants to put my next procedure off until early December. Hey, I don’t mind.
She told me that my pulmonary embolisms were very large and there were three factors that could have contributed to why I got them: my inactivity because of my pain levels, my endometrial cancer and the Megestrol to treat the cancer. I haven’t been taking my cancer meds for a couple weeks, when she told me to stop taking it.
She wants to hold off on the next D&C until I have been on the blood thinners for at least a solid month. She also wants to order an ultrasound on my legs prior to my next procedure to make sure that there are no new blood clots in my legs. If there are blood clots found, we will wait a bit longer for my next procedure because the type of anesthesia we use can actually cause blood clots to come loose and send them to my lungs and then I will be in the same position.
Once we are able to do the next Dilation and Curettage she will decide if and when I will restart taking the cancer meds.
She also told me that I will be taking Eliquis longer than 3 months, but as long as I have active cancer in my body. She insisted that I needed to stay on Eliquis and not another medication because it works better with my treatment and the fact that I have cancer is a factor that may cause me to have blood clots. I was a little stressed about that because that means $250 a month, after insurance. Dr Westhoff helped me to feel better when she told me that she would have Legacy’s pharmacy call Karen with resources. Because I have cancer there are resources to help get that number to an easier amount each month. Thank You God!
Dr Westhoff made sure to remind me that during the last procedure she could see that my body was responding to the treatment plan. She is also happy that I haven’t had a period in 2 months which means that the IUD is doing its job in making my uterus a peaceful place…I will be doing blood work for my primary tomorrow to verify that I am no longer anemic…
All in all I am getting good news from my doctors and I am so THANKFUL!
Happy birthday Mom!
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 20, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions
On my last visit to see my sister, Jamie Holloway, she handed me a bag full of books to read. I accepted the challenge, knowing I would pass on these books to new readers when I was done. What a fun contest. One of the books in the bag was bright colored and promised to be fun. Crazy Joy, Finding Wild Happiness in a World That’s Upside Down by Mary Katherine Backstrom sounded exciting.
Right away Backstrom lets her readers know she has been diagnosed with bipolar 2, OCD, PTSD and ADHD so we know she has had some struggles but she herself is probably rather colorful. She says: Some days are blue but other days are manic but she likes how those feel; yes they are destructive but she feels like sunshine.
“Happiness is a moving target. It’s an emotion dependent on so many variables; it comes and goes with the wind. What made your heart smile yesterday isn’t what your heart longs for today.” Introduction
I enjoyed the introduction and then I couldn’t really follow Backstrom. I don’t know if there is such a huge difference in our ages, where we were raised or what, but try as I might I couldn’t follow her but I did love the questions she asked at the end of the chapters and that is where I got the most from the book.
My answers to questions from the chapters:
Chapter 1
- I believe happiness is defined by how your pursue it until you decide what you want to be happy. I want a partner that supports and loves me no matter what. I want to have an idea of what I should do to cope with my chronic illnesses. I want to want to have dreams and the security to start planning for them. I have this. Besides this I have a solid relationship with God who provides all we need in His wisdom and perfect timing. I don’t think happiness is always what we think we want but it is the satisfaction that we are safe and we can build on a firm foundation.
- Joy comes in moments where we allow forgiveness to heal resentments. Happiness and Joy are related. Happiness is a state of mind and Joy is like a new plateau as we grow toward love.
Chapter 2
- If I could go back to my child-self what would I say? I would say: “I love you.” I would hug myself and say, “I believe in you. I love your smart brain and big heart and it is ok that no one understands you because God does. You are important. You are original and you will have to be very brave and ask yourself what you want. Take a walk every day because you enjoy it. You will never make anyone happy so make yourself happy and meet your responsibilities. Keep listening to that voice in your head.” Most of this I would say in my head because my younger self wouldn’t be able to process this but I would hold her hand and love her with all my heart.
Chapter 3
- I think cemeteries are beautiful and peaceful. I have enjoyed exploring them and wondering about the people buried there.
- I want my dash to grow every day. I am not afraid to die and I am not generally sad when people die because I believe our souls are eternal and our mortal bodies hold us back — so I just want to feed my soul as much as I can while I am on earth and try to encourage others as well.
- I think we we take our love with us and God tells us to rejoice a lot so we must take our joy with us when we die, although I have never contemplated it until now. This makes me appreciate God even more because He is so good.
Chapter 4
- I was taught I had to have a beautiful home and things to be happy; money in the bank and trips planned. But you know what? I don’t. Those things might be nice, when I ready for them, but I trust God and He obviously thinks I am not there yet, so my world is small, but my bills are paid and I have what I need and enough to share and I am happy.
Chapter 5
- When my self-talk gets negative, I correct myself and forgive myself and then I say something positive like: I am getting better at staying in the now, or I feel stronger when I do my workout daily.
- God tells me He chose me and He is with me always. My wife tells me I am beautiful and important. I tell myself I am intelligent and able — I think I am hearing good things. It used to be hard for me to accept praise because it used to come with a backhanded judgement, but I am healing from that. Now I am trying to just be grateful.
“Love shouldn’t hurt. Peace is found in the kind of community that’s both safe and mutually supportive.” Chapter 7
Thank you to my sister, Jamie, for loaning me her copy of this book although what I got out of it was unconventional, maybe you will connect with her better than I could. You can buy your own copy of Crazy Joy Finding Wild Happiness in a World That’s Upside Down by Mary Katherine Backstrom on Amazon.
Read My Review on GoodReads:
Crazy Joy: Finding Wild Happiness in a World That’s Upside Down by Mary Katherine Backstrom
My rating: 3 of 5 stars
Backstrom writes in a friendly fashion but I couldn’t relate very well. I did enjoy her questions at the end of each chapter, that is where I found the most growth for myself.
View all my reviews
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 17, 2022 | Community, Education, Life, Opinions
I told someone today I was a Gap Person. I wasn’t talking about someone that shops at The Gap; I don’t do that.
“Believe it or not, homelessness is incredibly expensive to a community. The most cost-effective way for the community to respond to homelessness is to prevent it in the first place.” Cowlitz 5 Year Homeless Housing Plan Updated 11.25.19.pdf
When I read this statement I get a little defensive because my family has been in the system for a long time. In fact, for the last 8 years we have never had a lease in our name. We have either lived with friends or in hotels or motels, while we worked with organizations that were excited to help us until they got to know us.
What have we learned? I can’t live with other people successfully. I can’t live in the Highlands. I can’t live with bugs and yelling voices, fighting and police cars showing up regularly. I have also learned that there a lot of people that work very hard and make enough money to pay the rent but nothing else.
Those people that are an expense to the community that the Cowlitz 5 Year Homeless Housing Plan refers to are the people who live on the street and/or make waves. They get arrested. They make trouble. They make messes. Not because they are bad people, necessarily, they just need help and are very loud about it. When I am properly medicated and I feel relatively safe, I don’t make much noise at all. In order to get help I have to go to a shelter. That is what VIP wants us to do.
I have to give up my Emotional Support Animal to do that. Xavier is not allowed there. My 15-year-old kitty would have to be re-homed. I am not going to do that.
Living with other people eventually leads me to negative thoughts; suspicious thoughts and then the rest of my mind goes to bad places. I might even end up on the Behavioral Health floor at the hospital. Who needs or wants that?
The goal of the 5 Year Plan is to house more veterans, disabled and mentally ill…Hello! My wife is a veteran (with 3 jobs) and I am disabled and mentally ill…we are also a black and queer family if you want to hit a few more stats.
Do you know that since we can never save any money that we can’t ever think of moving out of this nice hotel? I can’t have a kitchen. I can’t grow anything in dirt. We have to drive to find a pretty place to take a walk and forget going out of town for fun. We work hard to keep our minds positive but sometimes it is really hard. We are both really tired.
You probably know other Gap People. We are not the only ones. The definition of homelessness is pretty open. We have friends that live in their cars too. You wont know unless you know what to look for, or they trust you enough to ask you to charge their back up battery or maybe come over for a shower.
Those people living on Alabama are not the only ones that need help. I am praying for all of us. Even the ones who are living in nice houses with more than enough resources because we all need to be kinder to each other.
I thank God every day because I know that I am very blessed. I have a roof over my head and a family that grounds me and loves me. I know that there are many people that don’t have that. I have never been hungry or naked or without a shower for longer than I wanted to be. Even the wars in my mind, I know aren’t real most of the time.
I pray you can respect every person you meet today. You don’t really know what they are battling. Gap people are really good at hiding that they are trapped. And for people that are not in the gap but having a really bad moment, give them some space. They don’t want to hurt you. They may not even know you are you.
We all need to be saved sometimes.
Read More:
Cowlitz 5 Year Homeless Housing Plan Updated 11.25.19.pdf created December 2, 2019 by Danielle Rylander and updated by Emily Strange for the Washington State Department of Commerce
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 15, 2022 | Life, Opinions, Prayers
My heart is heavy today. I try to avoid the TV and succeed during the day when my wife, Karen G Clemenson, is at work but at night she likes to watch her shows. Being campaign season, every commercial break bombards viewers with ads about abortion on both sides. I am so tired. Whether or not I have an abortion is none of your business.
I know this is a loaded sentiment, especially because I am a Jesus follower but it is true. The choices I make in my life are mine and the only one I have to answer to is Jesus. I don’t have the right to judge anyone and I don’t have to share my choices with anyone.
According to an article in The Washington Post, Senator Lindsey Graham, representative of South Carolina, has introduced a bill that would ban abortions, nationwide, after 15 weeks of pregnancy.
“I think we should have a law at the federal level that would say, after 15 weeks, no abortion on demand except in cases of rape, incest or to save the life of the mother,” Graham said at a news conference.
When asked if his bill had exceptions for cases where there were fetal abnormalities that were found later in the pregnancy or if the child was stillborn, Graham did not know. I don’t understand this. If this is his bill, shouldn’t he know what is in it?
I think the decisions we make in life are getting more important. I don’t want to invoke anger. But I do want to make people think.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5
I am very upset because all parties have wasted so much money advertising about abortion — what good it would have been done if that money had been invested in public schools, foster care, health care or housing, where living children may need help. It seems so petty to judge and control people’s actions while children suffer needlessly in one of the wealthiest countries in the world. It makes me feel so angry and sad. How do I bless God with these emotions? How do I not judge people when I feel this way?
I do trust God. There are lots of confusing things in this world but I am glad that God’s wisdom is above all and He always helps me find His peace as I need it.
He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins.
Colossians 1:13-14
Jesus’ redemption and forgiveness of sins is never-ending and His grace is beyond our comprehension. If the murderer that was on the cross beside him on the day He was crucified was worthy of the same forgiveness as I am, so is anyone in a moment of desperation. Jesus will not return until all His children have been collected, He is that patient and his mercy is that everlasting. I don’t have to judge anyone.
My job is to seek out truth and love and that is what I am doing. I don’t have to lean on my own understanding because I can lean on my faith in the Son of God who loved me and died for me so that I could share in His new life. I know His grace covers every baby that has died and He welcomes them home.
For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things, to whom be glory forever. Amen
Romans 11:36
Read more:
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 14, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions
I recently had the opportunity to read I Will Not Fear My Story of a Lifetime of Building Faith Under Fire by Melba Pattillo Beals and I was so touched by her story. Every moment, it seemed, of this woman’s life was a tribute to faith and strength and it spoke to my soul.
“God loves you. He knows how beautiful you are. Don’t crinkle that pretty little face. God doesn’t know the word nigger and He will be disappointed if you give in to it.” Her grandmother, India Peyton, to Beals, Introduction
Melba Pattillo Beals was born on December 7, 1941, on Pearl Harbor Day at Missouri Pacific Hospital. It was a whites only hospital but since her father worked there and her grandmother promised that Bishop Riley, a black pastor that had a lot of respect in the town, would be appreciative if an acceptation was made in their case, since it was obvious that the baby was too large for her mother to deliver without help, they were allowed to stay in a storage room. They had to enter using the back door. No birth certificate would be administered with the hospital’s name on it. There would be no visitors allowed and only the mother, father and grandmother were allowed in the hospital.
Beals required forceps to be born which caused an infection that required surgery. The doctor ordered her head to be rinsed with Epson salts every 2 hours but the white nurses refused to care for the infant. As the baby’s temperature reached 105 degrees, the janitor heard their prayers and told them the orders he had overheard the doctor give the nurses. Beals’ grandmother went to the store to purchase Epson salts and took care of the baby herself and she was able to go home in 3 days.
15 years later in September of 1957, Beals was chosen as one of the Little Rock Nine. She was One of 9 students chosen by the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) to integrate Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas. This decision was not supported by the local people. It had been made by the United States Supreme Court, who stated that separate was not equal and all schools must integrate.
Angry, rock-throwing mobs surrounded the school. The Ku Klux Klan rode every night and more frequently in the neighborhood Beals lived in. The local newspaper listed the student’s addresses and phone numbers which brought obscene phone calls and random bullets flying through windows.
On the first day of school the National Guard had been called in by the governor to keep the black students from entering the school. Beals saw her friend, Elizabeth, escape the angry mob to the safety of Mrs. Grace Lorch and Benjamin Fine from the New York Times. Beals and her mother were not so lucky. As the crowd threatened to rape and lynch them, Beals remembered her grandmother telling her that God was as close as her skin and so she prayed to God and they were able to reach their car and get away as the mob threw rocks and punched their car.
The governor called back the National Guard and began using State Troopers to keep the black children out of the school even though the NAACP told the students to stay home while they filed an injunction to prohibit the governor from blocking their entry.
Monday September 23, 1957 the 9 students were led into the school by local police. There were given class assignments where none of them had any classes together. Not any white student or faculty wanted them there and it showed. By 11:30 am the black students had to be evacuated and taken home because the police could not control the violent mob outside. In response President Eisenhower sent the 101st Airborne Division of the US Army — The Screaming Eagles, the heroes of the Korean War — to guard that black students and keep the peace.
Wednesday September 25, 1957, 9 children were escorted by armed 101st Division Soldiers, helicopters flew overhead and troopers galloped back and forth across 2 blocks in front of the high school. Each student had 2 soldiers each. This didn’t stop all the abuse but Beal’s hopes rose that she would get a good education.
Lessons Beals Learned Through Her High School Experience:
- The President sending troops to protect black students was a miracle.
- It’s God’s plan that prevails — not our’s.
- You can’t change other people, only yourself.
- Integrating the school was not about the 9 students but about the generations to come.
- There is not time for worry — you must be aware and alert about now so you can cope with day to day attacks.
- Segregation took away opportunities but mostly self-esteem.
- Always be grateful.
- Always forgive.
During the summer of 1958 Governor Foubus had a private white school built and closed all public schools. Since they weren’t using tax dollars there was nothing the government could do. The 5 remaining students from the original Little Rock Nine that hadn’t been expelled, had to wait to see what the NAACP told them to do.
Beal’s grandmother also died around this time and it was a great trial for her to go through. Although she spent the morning studying she used the rest of the day doing what her grandmother had used to do to keep the house going for her family.
In 1959 the NAACP sent Beals to Santa Rosa, CA to finish her senior year. The KKK had put posters up offering cash rewards for the death of the 9 students and it was not longer safe for them to stay in Little Rock. No one told Beals that the NAACP was run by white people in Santa Rosa or the family she would be staying with was also white before she got there. This was a huge adjustment for her, but eventually she learned that these people were not going to hurt her and she built loving relationships with them. This was truly a life-changing experience for her. The McCabe family taught Beals that white didn’t mean freedom. Freedom was a mindset that we can all enjoy.
As Beals started college, at 19-years-old, she met and married Jay, a white man. He did not care about skin color and he helped her heal from the pain in the past. But he also wanted her at home. He wanted a traditional wife that was happy to stay at home, cooking, cleaning, and being a mommy. But Beals wanted an education and a career and married life was not working. Their marriage ended but it produced a beautiful daughter and Beals left with positive and loving thoughts of Jay.
Beals was offered a scholarship at Columbia University in New York. Her daughter went to stay with her mother in Little Rock. Afterward she went back to California to fill a position as a news reporter at KQED. Later she moved to KRON TV and soon realized she was facing a quiet form of racism. She prayed to God for guidance and then stood up for herself and let her bosses know if this behavior remained she would have to gain the support of the NAACP. She knew she was given a big responsibility and didn’t want to fail.
“…it is important that I follow God’s words to treat others as equals; seeing equal is an essential quest for being seen as equals.” Chapter 12
By following her heart and God’s lead, Beals was able to push beyond the fluffy stories female reporters were usually restricted to in the 1970’s. She covered several serious crimes and impressed her male colleagues and helped women see they could have the future they wanted. She also moved on to self-employment doing public relations and authoring books.
On Tuesday November 9, 1999 the Little Rock Nine received the Congressional Gold Medal.
Throughout Beals’ life she overcame adversity by praying to God and following her heart. She kept her mind strong and never lost faith. This book is not just one inspirational story but several over one woman’s lifetime. Beals is a good writer and her words compel you to continue turning the pages.
Thank you to my sister, Jamie Holloway, for loaning me the copy of the book I read. You can get your own copy of I Will Not Fear My Story of a Lifetime of Building Faith Under Fire by Melba Pattillo Beals on Amazon.com
Read my Review on Goodreads:
I Will Not Fear: My Story of a Lifetime of Building Faith Under Fire by Melba Pattillo Beals
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
I found this book to be very inspiring. Beals writes in a way that is easy to absorb while imagining her ordeals vividly. She is a strong woman with a powerful voice.
View all my reviews
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 13, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions, Wellness
I mentioned coming home in my blog, I Had to Paint my Toenails Today and said it was a process. I was talking about when you have been away from home for a period of time. If I were returning from military deployment, the Military Family Readiness System would available to me to help me re-engage with my family and life at home. But what I was really talking about was returning to myself.
As long as I can remember I have been trying to understand why I didn’t fit and why I wasn’t happy. I had moments of happy but they didn’t last. About 25 years ago I tried medication and therapy but had a very bad reaction because my doctors weren’t listening to me so I quit. 20 years ago I really jumped in and began digging in myself with God and a trusted pastor and we got a lot of things out of the way. This helped me through until about 8 years ago when I got physically sick and had a mental break down. I knew that this time, there were parts of me that were not going to come back. I was diligent, honest with myself and with the help of my wife, Karen G Clemenson, and my sister, Jamie Holloway, and a team of medical professionals I found an action plan that worked for me. Karen is my rock and soldier and Jamie taught me to be brave and speak for myself.
A couple of weeks ago I was reading a book and suddenly realized I was happy. It was a sudden realization. My expectations of happiness have changed a lot. I now understand that happiness is a state of mind. Nothing you can buy has anything to do with happiness. Happiness is more about having what you need and the freedom to dream. I have those things. I stopped everything and told Karen, who seemed just as surprised as I was. This is part of being home.
When I say coming home, I am not just talking about coming back to where I live but also to my action plan. There are things I do every day that keep me balanced and yesterday was the first day I did them all. It took me 6 days, where I did most or some of them, but not all of them, but on the 6th day I made it. These things are not so big, but they are vital to me and showing myself self-love.
This is my every day list:
- My morning anaerobic workout
- My toiletries and skin care
- Get dressed
- Make sure I have my steel cut oats for tomorrow and eat them for breakfast
- Drink plenty of water or tea
- Do my bible study and journal
- Take meds when the 3 alarms go off (thank God for pill sorters)
- Read and write something
- Take 2 short walks – This one is new!
I do other things every day but these are the must do’s. When I do these things I know I am taking care of what I need to feel like I have cared for my physical, mental and spiritual needs. In this world we often get so busy that we neglect one or all of these things and we should not do this. Each of us is not just a body but a mind and a spirit and we have to foster health in all areas or we become unbalanced and we lose our feeling of home.
I always thought it was selfish to make time for myself until I got sick. When you get chronically ill you learn that if you don’t create as much balance in your life as you can, you will cause more flares. In a way, this is a gift because it forces you to learn to love yourself. God tells us to rest because He knows we are fragile and He knows we need time to recuperate from our hectic lives.
If you don’t have a routine of self-love for everyday, I encourage you to create one. Maybe you don’t have to do as many things as I do. I didn’t start with a list this long. It took years to get here. But maybe you could find one thing you could do for yourself and when you get used to doing that everyday, add another. You are important. You are your home. You wouldn’t let your roof keep leaking so don’t let your body, mind and spirit go without care.
Read More:
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 12, 2022 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions
So my wife, Karen G Clemenson, brought this book home from the library and I ended up reading it. There were times it was hard to read because I could feel some of the author’s pain but I am glad I read Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacker. Hornbacker’s struggle was real and relatable. This is her story and she openly shares how she self-medicated for many years before she was able to come up with an action plan that works for her and her family and loved ones to deal with her bipolar disorder type 1.
In the 1970’s psychiatry knew little about bipolar disorder – we didn’t even know it by that name until the 1980’s. Many people with bipolar disorder were wrongly diagnosed with schizophrenia. In the 90’s people were misdiagnosed with unipolar depression. “Mental Illness” was rarely discussed.
In order to control the mania and rapid cycling moods she went through, Hornbacker manifested the following coping mechanisms from age 6-13 year of age:
- Depression starts in 1981
- Obsessive prayer starts in 1983
- Anorexia and Bulimia starts in 1984
- Alcohol abuse starts in 1985
- Cutting starts in 1988
Mental illness runs in her father’s family. Her father lives with depression. Hornbacker’s symptoms began to show as early as age 4. Although she had the full support from her family, doctors often didn’t know what to do to help her. Even with her anorexia and bulimia, Hornbacker felt that doctors often treated the symptoms of the eating disorders but often missed the actual mental illness that was the real cause, wreaking havoc on the person’s mind.
Many times, as Hornbacker seeks help, doctors are not listening to her. The therapist she is seeing in 1995 doesn’t care that emotions are manic or that she cuts daily. She asks if she is journaling, tells Hornbacker to appreciate her success with eating and continue with her self-care. That night she accidentally cuts too deep.
In 1996 Hornbacker gets married to Julian. She has manic fits at night and terrorizes the house, drives like a maniac until she heads home to pass out and compulsively shops. The marriage lasts 2 years.
Hornbacker fails to tell doctors of her extreme drinking and no sleep. She doesn’t eat, she drinks tons of coffee and doesn’t take her pills regularly, if at all. By August 2000 she has a complete meltdown that lands her in a lock-down facility. She is told if she doesn’t stop drinking she will never get better.
In 2002, Hornbacker is 28-years-old and has been sober for a year. She has remarried to Jeff and her bipolar is in remission. As she relaxes she begins her same patterns of working and playing too hard…after 7 hospitalizations…
“Some people with bipolar have only one major episode, or have several and then go into remission and live years without them ever coming back. My bipolar, ultra-rapid-cycle-type-1, is tough to treat, and the doctors have warned me that it will probably put in the hospital again. But they can’t say how often, or when it will happen next. So I have two choices: live in constant fear that the next episode is just around the corner, waiting to attack, or live as if by doing the right things to keep myself well, the episodes will never come again,” Chapter 43
Hornbacker is one of the lucky ones, surrounded by a loving family and close friends that will take time to be with her when she shouldn’t be alone and have her hospitalized when she needs more care than they can provide, which is something that is part of her reality. She has times of clarity and times of confusion, but she is always loved.
“That’s what madness looks like: a small woman in baggy red pajamas sitting on a kitchen chair, her feet dangling above the ground, trying to figure out how to eat an eclair while everyone she knows and loves watches her closely, as if she’s a rat in a cage, to see what will happen next.” Chapter 47
Facts from 2008:
- 2.8% of the United State population has bipolar disorder
- 25% of bipolar patients have attempted suicide
- There is no drug that specifically treats bipolar
- 50% of people with bipolar disorder are not being treated at all
I am really glad I read this book. I find myself inspired by the changes in our mental health profession and I have hope that more people are more comfortable talking about mental illness. We must make this topic so common place that we can talk about it anywhere. There is no shame in being sick or needing help. Yes, there are some people that may not be able to function in society or may be dangerous but most people need to have a proper action plan and support to have a healthy and meaningful life. I am thankful for my team that has helped me find the proper medications for me and the right amount of therapy sessions I need and the right schedule and healthy coping mechanisms I need to keep my life in balance so I can be a blessing to my family. I am thankful that Marya Hornbacker has these things too.
I checked my book out at The Longview Public Library. Buy your own copy of Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacker on Amazon.
Read My Review on GoodReads:
Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Riveting, gut-wrenching, powerful! Hornbacher is amazingly strong and I admire her honesty. I could hardly put this book down.
View all my reviews
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Please wait...
